3 journal of azerbaijani studies in search of 'khazar

Hamlet ISAXANLI

was handed over a pen, but I refused to take it:

- It would be better to sign this document with my own pen. I do not have a pen with me at the moment, let me keep this document until tomorrow.

I do not think they could understand whether I was joking or being serious. Probably, they thought that I was shaken or did not want to be humiliated in presence of everybody. They let me keep the document but did not hide their dissatisfaction:

- Never mind, let it be tomorrow, sign it and send it to us, or we can come and collect it ourselves.

I came up to Fikrat muallim when he was about to leave the room:

• 
  Fikrat muallim, tell me the truth, what is going on here? What happened all of a sudden?
  
• 
  Hamlet muallim, your so called friends and non-friends are attacking. The matter has already been agreed on, we are simply the messengers. Do not trouble yourself, it will not help.
  

I returned back to Rahim muallim. I wanted to know his personal opinion. It was obvious that he was upset about it. He had much more experience with high rank officials than me, and he accepted everything without question:

- Hamlet, son, if there was a slight opportunity to change the situation I would sense it and would have told you about it. You offended those people without any reason. This statement would have never been issued if it had not been agreed on highest possible level. Did you see I had to sign it too? It's useless to isolate yourself; nobody will benefit from it, including yourself. Life will go on, you will still do a lot of things. Sign the paper and send it tomorrow. You should understand that they could easily solve this matter without your signature.

I said good-bye to Rahim muallim and decided to go home. But first I went for a walk at the shore of Khazar (Caspian Sea). I wanted to recover. When I am in high spirits I am strongly attracted to high mountain peaks covered in snow. In my despair I was longing for the sea. The sea is very mysterious. Every time I look at it, it brings out

different feelings in me. Sometimes it is tranquil, its waves are kissing
one another, its shades are emerald and blue, the sun rays and the
moon light dance smoothly in its waters and give rise to the most
beautiful dreams. Sometimes it is dark and unattainable, angry and
inconsistent and it makes me drunk with sadness and nostalgia, makes
me feel powerless. Sometimes all these feelings unite and create a
feeling close to anxiety. I spent a few hours looking at the sea. I left all
my confused feelings, fears and dreams at the seaside and returned
home. «