A single year

March 15, 1988
Growth was the subject of the life in the Spirit seminar tonight.
Growth, kind of scary to grow sometimes, scary not to grow.

Does growing frighten you?

Are you afraid to grow?
Well I don't know if I have any answers, no more than you. Sometimes I think people mistake change for growing. A lot of times people change because of many things, not the least is they do not seem to have any choice. Believe me, when faced with no choice, people change.
Change is not the same thing as growing, not at all. Growing is what happens to you when you open yourself. In that openness to whatever, especially being open to God. It is in that sense that growth can and often does happen. Growing does not always mean putting aside any certain thing. Growing means a willingness to accept a new understanding. Sometimes that understanding is painful and hard to accept.
Usually a good sign that you have been somewhat closed minded is the amount of pain, turmoil, and anger this new understanding seems to be causing you. The more pain the more closed you have been. The more pain maybe the more closed minded you might still be. It is not easy to admit to yourself that you are closed minded. In fact it may be the single hardest thing you do, and it also maybe the single most important.
Until you experience growth you will never know if you are like that, wisdom has been described as the breath of God.
Would say wisdom is God breathing on and in you?
Wisdom comes about through your choice to grow. Wisdom enhances growth and gives you the strength to grow. Wisdom is the Holy Spirit alive and working within you. Growth in the Lord God is the Holy Spirit in you. I love you Lord God and I ask you to help me grow. Amen!

March 16, 1988
A few days ago I wrote about preparing the income tax return for a Hispanic fishing family. This family had one handicapped child and a father that had been injured. They also owed about $40,000 in income taxes for the years 1981-1984.
I finished their 1985, 1986, and 87 income tax returns today. They owed another $9,000 plus.
Everyone talks about the heartless IRS. I am as guilty as the next in this matter.
Today I settled over the telephone with the IRS lady agent in charge of their case. The IRS will "forgive", set "aside", the complete taxes due in return for the one small piece of property owned by this family. This piece of property is worth about $6,500. That amount would not come close to covering their current taxes of $9,000 for the last three years much less the $40,000 in even further back taxes.
The IRS is also requiring this family to just get current, meaning pay their 1988 taxes on time and stay current.
I think it is a miracle.
Some might say it is the logical thing for the IRS to do. I think it is a wonderful miracle.
Thank you God!

March 17, 1988
Wisdom
Wisdom is the breath of God in each of us.

Wisdom is not only knowing what is right but doing it.

Wisdom is being who you are called to be.

Wisdom is loving unconditionally and forever.

Wisdom is accepting God's forever love for you.

Wisdom is reaching out from yourself to another in love.

Wisdom is being forever patient when you are ready to scream.

Wisdom is knowing when to listen and when to speak out.

Wisdom is listening when you would rather be speaking.

Wisdom is listening when you know more than the speaker.

Wisdom is being unafraid to say something is wrong.

Wisdom is being unafraid to face what is wrong.

Wisdom is being able to change when you are so afraid to change.

Wisdom is being able to allow someone else to change.

Wisdom is being able to accept someone else is changing.

Wisdom is standing up for what is right and good.

Wisdom is being strong enough not to lie for any reason.

Wisdom is knowing and relying on the strength of God.

Wisdom is knowing when to give it over to the Lord God

Wisdom is allowing yourself to venture where you are afraid to go.

Wisdom is knowing whether to stay there or to leave.

Wisdom always gives the other person a chance.

Wisdom never considers if a person deserves a chance.

Wisdom is not forcing yourself on the one you love.

Wisdom is giving yourself freely to the one you love.

Wisdom is knowing what is important to you and what isn't.

Wisdom worships only the loving Lord Creator God.

Wisdom does not desire anything from the earth.

Wisdom only desires that which is of and about God.

Wisdom understands what it takes to live on the earth.

Wisdom works for her daily bread and is easily satisfied.

Wisdom depends on the love of her creator for sustenance.

Wisdom is unconditional love.

Wisdom is the unconditional love of God for God's people.

Wisdom is Jesus forever living among his people,

Wisdom is the breath and being of God lives in God's people.

Wisdom is indeed that which inspires people to be.

Wisdom is the fire that causes men to seek God.

Wisdom is the: spirit that inspires man to be better.

Wisdom is the means by which man can rise above himself.

Wisdom is to be sought by man fervently and lovingly.

Wisdom is the Holy Spirit one in and with the Lord God!

I pray for wisdom. I seek wisdom.

Lord God please allow me to be open to your spirit, please fill me with wisdom!

March 18, 1988
I had my eyes examined this afternoon it was a quite thorough examination. After the doctor had put some drops of fluid in my eyes to dilate them I began to get nervous. The doctor explained to me that he was concerned that I might be developing glaucoma. Just hearing that I was terrifying. I have always worn glasses at least since I was about ten.
Have never forgotten my first pair of glasses. Mom and Dad took us to the drive in and the movie was in glorious color. In the middle 1950's, a color-movie was still a big deal. What I remember the most was seeing things in a bright new clear world. I remember taking my glasses off and looking at the movie and seeing two blurred images quickly putting my glasses back on and marveling at how clear and bright and beautiful everything was. Tried to explain to my family what I was feeling but they could not understand. It wasn't that they did not want to understand, I don't think anyone could have understood. I have never forgotten.
Since that time I have always more than valued my sight. I have had regular checkups almost every year. God blessed me with something called astigmatism. I have pear shaped eyes while people with normal eyesight have more round eyes. God blessed me with healthy eyes.
Today when I heard the doctor say I might have glaucoma, I was terrified. I did not know what to do or say except, God please help me.
As I waited for my eyes to become fully dilated with my ten year old daughter who has a serious hearing problem, I told her that I was scared and I was glad she was there. She was glad she was with dad too. She told me not to worry because I did not have that terrible disease. She told me it would not help to worry anyway.
I realized God had blessed me in immeasurable ways. God has given me riches that are so special I could never be poor or lost. My ten year old daughter is one of those riches. My ten year old daughter worried as she told me later, loved me so much and comforted me in just the right way. What a gift! What a gift of love from my God to me.
I do not have glaucoma. The pressure on the optic nerve for most people is between 12 and 21. Mine had measured at 22. Now I am not sure what that meant except that my doctor had felt the need for a much more thorough and complete examination. He said I am a glaucoma suspect and must have regular yearly eye examinations. He also said stress could be a factor.
Lord God you must know of the huge amount of stress my wife, my family and I have been under for over four years. It has gotten progressively more stressful for us.
Please let the stress soon be over. We are willing to do what ever it is you would ask of us. As you know, we don't know what that is. Please help us Lord God. O font of wisdom, please help us Jesus, please help us.
We accept your love and offer our love. Thank you for the riches you have given us. Please help us find our way according to what you would have us do. Please!
Thank you for not letting me have glaucoma.

March 19, 1988
God, I am mad at you and more than just a little disappointed. I need you!
I have been explicit in my pleas and prayers for your help. I have been as faithful as I can be. I have been and continue to be steadfast in my faith. I believe in you. I believe in your love! I believe you have a place for me where I do not have to lie, I do not have to exaggerate or pretend, a place where I can be me and I can work for you and do your will! It is true I need this to be true but so what? I still believe it to be true.
I have sent out resume after resume and received turn down after turn down. I simply do not have the right papers. It doesn't seem to matter what is in my heart or mind. It does not matter what I say or do or if I can do the job. The only thing that seems to matter is having the right paper. I don't have a paper.
I am to the point where I do not want to send out anymore resumes because I have been rejected so many times and so often.
Alright Lord, so you do not want me to serve you in the Catholic Church as a minister. Fine.
What do you want from me? What do you want me to do? How am I to make a living and provide for my family?
You must have a place somewhere for me doing something or you would not have created me. You do not make mistakes. I am not a mistake.
I have written and I believe you love is all powerful and all wonderful and always there for each person under all circumstances. I believe love and God are the same word.
I keep reading fear the Lord is this my problem? Is it I do not fear you Lord? Well I'm getting there.
I love you! I do not fear you. I fear doing the impossible that is doing anything that would cause you not to love me. I have written and I believe it is impossible to do anything that would cause you not to love me.
So here I am. Even if you turn away from me Lord. Even if that is what you seem to do. I will not turn away from you my God. I continue my belief in you oh loving Lord Creator God. You are all I have to hope in and you are enough.
It is just I keep begging you for something, anything , Lord just give me a chance.
I know so painfully well I am not qualified to do anything I am aware of my total ignorance. I beg you God to remember your own words. You said I am precious to you and you would do anything for me. I beg you God to remember that you, Lord, told me I was to give your people a drink of water. I beg you Father God. Remember you sent an angel to me to tell me I was much loved by you.
Am ready willing and able. Please Lord let me fulfill what you want of me.
I remember and I believe. Please lift me up and show me the way. It does not matter what I dream or have dreamed. Anything. My self worth is not important to anyone but me. I will do anything you ask, just hear my prayer.

You are my God and I am your people. I love you!

Today is the feast of St. Joseph your earthly father. I have special feelings of great love and admiration Joseph. When you called on him, I wonder if he was as ready to assume the responsibility of your son as readily as we are told. Ready or not, he did take them on. He must have needed enormous strength and will. He must have been very strong in his faith and very faithful to you our God. I am faithful too. I am no where near as strong as he was, nor am even close to being as talented. I thank you my God for Joseph and I thank you Joseph for what you did. I love you Joseph. I suspect you, Joseph, can very easily understand my problem tonight. Please try to intercede with our Father for me. I mean no disrespect and I sure don't want God to be angry at me.
Please let me feel you ever present love, Lord God. O wisdom please come to me and dwell with me. Inspire me and lift me.
God I know you can hear me and I just know you are listening. I just know it. Is it not time Father to give me a great and good and glorious answer?
I want so bad to find a way to do something to make a respectable and honest living for my family so I can attend to their earthly needs. I want to do your will at the same time. Is that so wrong, if it isn't, then Lord, I expect you to help me. Please, please, please.

March 20, 1988
Dear God,
Well, here I am, Lord. I have come face to face with what believe. I finally understand a little better just what am afraid of. It is difficult to face your inner most fears head on.
O God, fear of the Lord. I think I have a little more understanding of what it is. It is not being afraid of you, O God.
Fear of the Lord. I am so afraid that if I lie or exaggerate who I am to get any kind of a job, I will be turning away from you. I am afraid of doing anything that will cause me to turn away from you O God. The end never justifies the means.
I used to do what ever it took to get any job. That became my way of life; doing what I saw as necessary to survive, whatever it was. I still want and need to survive.
If it means doing anything that takes me away from you I can't and I will not do it.
I know now what that means. I am afraid, afraid not only for myself, but for my wife and daughter. This fear is real but even in this fear which is hurting me so, I know now, I will not, I can not, do anything that will cause me to turn away from you O God.
So here I am God - I asked for you 0 Wisdom and it seems you came.
The strange thing is and I seem to be saying this more and more often, glad you came. I am just aware of more. I am aware of so much more, I started to say I almost wish I was more ignorant of you. That is not true of course. I can't even tolerate a small untruth in myself.
All right here I am. Got no one but you, Lord. Thank you for the insight.
One more time. Fear of the Lord is being aware of doing anything that would cause you to turn away from God and God is love. More than being aware of this, it is not doing it. No matter the pressure.
That is where I am at. I know what it really seems I must do in order to get a job in God's church and by doing this thing I would be turning away from God. I can not do it because I am afraid to turn away from God even when doing one wrong thing would allow me to do many good things in God's name. This is my fear of God. It is not a fear that God will turn away from me if I do this thing. That is not possible. God never ever turns away from anyone. It is the real and present fear I will turn away from God by doing this thing. I can not allow myself to turn away from my God no matter what. I will not. God will see my determination and come to my rescue. Even if God chooses not to rescue me, I will not turn away from God. I wish I could say I would not question God in these matters but I think God understands my questions.


March 21, 1988
Dear God,
I wanted you to know I am still committed to what I wrote yesterday. I had a tough day today. I was angry about not having a job most of the day. In particular I was angry at you, my God for not helping me.
Of course I have hot given you time to help me and if you did help me today I was too mad to notice.
In spite of all my anger, the day went rather well.
I am afraid of failing and I just can not tolerate any more failure at this time in my life.
I love you and I do not regret in any way my choice. I pray you will give me the strength I need to live up to it.
Thank you for being my God,
John

March 22, 1988
One night a man went to sleep, his eyes closed and weary he rested. He was so tired his body did not feel. Soon he was deep into the world of sleep.
The world he entered this night was dark,

This man had no preconceived plans for his rest. In fact he simply wanted to allow his tired being to slip away from the reality of the past day.

The world he quickly entered was as troubled, it seemed, as the world of his reality, his day. In fact the darkness of his dreams became so real, there was no doubt he had become an active participant.
Numbers by the line and each number vivid and real, and then a face of evil and it was real and more stress. This man knew at once who the face belonged to. Once again this man had come face to face with the devil.
This was not a new happening but the man was tired. Indeed it seemed to him his being was beyond exhaustion. Even in his indefatigable exhaustion this man knew what to do, without hesitation Jesus, Jesus come and protect me.
Jesus did not seem to hear, Jesus did not seem to come. The devil's grip became even more real, ever more firm, daytime and nighttime had become one time for this tired man. He called even more loud for his God to come save him. When hope seemed not possible and utter despair about to set in, this man reached for some deep inner strength deep within. He faced the devil and told the evil one God loved it. From that moment on, time became blurred with restless sleep.
His next recollection was a real dream facing another fear. You see his dreams were no longer a place of rest and hope, his dreams had become his fears of the reality he lived in. His strength lost in the day was being taken away even in sleep.
This man questioned these things and wanted to know why his God was a God of unlimited and unlimiting love. He did not know a God that would allow this to happen. This man refused to give up his complete belief in a loving God.
Will his loving God rescue him from the arms of evil?

Will his imperfect belief in a perfect loving God be enough?

Will this man be given the strength to be what his God asks?
I am this man and I choose to believe my answer is yes!

March 23, 1988
I am tired and my eyes hurt from looking at number after number of two income tax returns I did today. They were profitable but still my eyes hurt.
I am determined even at this late hour to write and so I begin.
What God taught me today is that the truth, no matter how straight forward it would seem to be is somehow almost always more complicated than it would seem at first look. I did something today in the most truthful way and it was wrong. I looked at the same thing again and saw a way to do what I was trying to do but that way while just as truthful was not nearly so straight forward.
This evening I learned the same lesson. A family who lived in a northern state purchased a house to be used as rental property here in Florida. They bought the house in June in Florida. They actually lived in New York through December of the same year. The rental property in Florida set empty through December . They had a large loss for income taxes for that house in Florida. No problem.
In February of this year they were transferred to Florida and now live in the house they claimed as rental property for the last half of last year. They are getting a substantial refund of taxes being sent to the house in Florida that they now live in but took a deduction for as rental property last year. The house in New York they used to live in will now become rental property for them.
Their return is honest and true and right. It is certain to raise questions.
Sometimes the straightforward truth raises more questions than one would like.
Thank you God for this day and thank you for the income. Please Lord, give me the wisdom to do as you would have me do.


March 24, 1988
Dear Search Committee,

After much prayer and with the encouragement of my wife I am applying for the position of parish administrator advertised in the NCR.

I have no experience as a parish administrator. It is very difficult to gain such experience without someone willing to take risk on someone like myself.
I worked as an accountant, ass't controller, and a controller for over five years. Owned and operated successfully and unsuccessfully my own business for another thirteen years. The last three years my wife and I began a journey of full time service in the Catholic Church. I served as a home missionary in Floresville, Texas with my wife. I was the pastoral minister and co-directed the religious education Programs. My responsibilities included marriage preparation and counseling, family financial counseling and other counseling, youth, wane services and more. My wife and I then worked for a year in an inner city setting in mid state New York as co-directors of religious education. Both years though very rewarding were extremely difficult.
Because of what we did, what we learned and the subsequent confusion, my wife and I stopped our journey this past year. We very much needed counseling and prayer and wisdom. We prayed a great deal for discernment.
While we enjoy at least adequate credentials in religious education, I have felt a strong calling toward parish and pastoral administration. Sometimes in the previous few years my organizational ability and computer knowledge really were not able to be used to their fullest degree
After this year of prayer and discernment, my wife and I are now ready to resume this journey. We know that God has called us to ministry and we like doing what God asks of us.
Thank you for considering met
John W. Flakes Jr.

14 Minna Lane #208

Merritt Island, Florida 32953

1-305-453-8584

March 25, 1988
The Lord is great and good and gave me today.

It was a good day, holy Lord God I thank you.

I think I did what you would like this day.

Most of all I think I did not knowingly lie or hurt anyone.

I think today I helped people as best I could, and I do know it was far from perfect how I know this.

You my Lord know I tried to do it right, I tried hard.

For the times I failed please Lord do not be angry.

If I wandered from where you wanted me to go this day –

Well Lord put me right back on the right pathway.

I am more than willing to do your will as your servant.

I am also very easily swayed by the ever present devil.

Love you Lord God and I thank you for being my God.

I beg you though please take firmer hold so not to let me wonder.

March 26, 1988
Praise you Lord God
I rode with you on the back of that little donkey,

It was the most wonderful of days and I'll not forget.

You had such a clam about you knowing what was to come.

I could not see beyond the back of your head.

All I could see was you and how everyone loved you.
That little donkey had such a boney back, Lord.

Perhaps that should have been a clue that all was not as seemed.

Every once in a while he'd step in a hole and we'd feel it.

Nothing could interfere with our joy this day.

There was such a feeling being loved and loving
Not one person complained of the heat and it was hot.

The breeze from all those palms served to cool us.

The spontaneity of each and everyone reaching and loving.

It was indeed a great and glorious day and I loved it.

I wonder how I'd have felt if I knew what you knew then.
There is no doubt I would not have believed it.

These same loving people standing by while you are crucified.

These same loving people shouting for you to be killed.

These same loving creations of you killing you.

Who would have believed it and what would I have done.
Well Lord that is another time, another thought.

Today is all I wish to dwell on for I did not know tomorrow.

Today was a great and glorious day and I loved being there seeing you love and be loved and taking part, to say thank you under the circumstance doesn't seem right.