A single year
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July 15, 1988 Father Ed said to me "you have good people skills John." Good people skills, what does that mean? Do I cater to peoples' needs in order to get them to do what I want them to do? Am I gentle, considerate, friendly, honest, dishonest with people to get them to do what I want? I don't know. I wish it would mean I really try to show people I love them in all I say and do. I hope it does. I hope it means with me there is no doubt about what I consider important. What I consider important is loving people. I wonder if I use these same people skills with my family whom I value more than anything. I wonder if I am considerate and loving in all I do and say to my family. I know I am not perfect. I know I will never be perfect. I know of my God' s love for me. I hope and pray I can be better than I am now at this moment. I am trying to be a good man. A man that reflects the love of God in all he is. I don't succeed very often. Maybe for second today I did ok. I hope so. July 16, 1988 Today is my precious wife's birthday. She is 41. It is strange we view the worth of a person. One minute we treat someone in the most aside manner, the next moment we fall all over ourselves trying to gain influence with that same person. One moment, a mean, unkind and unthinking action is what we offer a person, in the flash of a mere instant we cannot envision life without that person. What is a person really worth? Does a person's worth depend on yours or my awareness in that moment? Sometimes it must seem as though it does. I can state absolutely our opinion and actions have absolutely nothing to do with another human's worth. Because we are human; our opinion and actions show love and bring pain, often at the same- time, to other humans. You or I cannot add to or change in anyway ever any part of the worth of a human being. You see, a person's worth is dependent on only one thing. That single thing is the love that person's almighty creator has for him or her. This love is always and ever present and can never be affected by anyone. Even the one loved, the love of the loving Lord Creator God is always, is complete, and is limitless. If you have life of any kind, you are loved by your creator God. Therefore a person has infinite worth forever. Our actions, words, and deeds reflect the value you add I give to another person's worth. There are times when our own awareness of our worth is in personal doubt. At such times we are not inclined to value the worth of anyone else. If you do not value yourself you will not value others. There are times when we go out of our way to hurt people especially people we really love and care about. People whose value to us is unquestioned. The question is of course, why. I'm not sure I know. I think it is because, for whatever reason, we temporarily have misplaced our own value. I think it is because we have felt the lack of value that others have for us and in our pain, we act, say, and do without regard for our actions. If you are like me, after having such a time, the personal pain of having injured anyone, which is magnified immensely by having done this to someone of great values to yourself, is almost beyond coping with. The only way I have been able to survive such a time is through the love my God has for me. In God's limitless love for me, God helps the one I have hurt to not only forgive me, but in constant surprise to me, these people still seem to really love me. I have trouble understanding how people who love me and whom I love so much, and have hurt so deeply, could continue to love me. The powerful only answer is that I am loved infinitely by a supreme being, my God, who constantly lifts me up and shares love with me in the most personal of ways, by letting those I have hurt, still love me. My wife is such a person. She is constant reminder of the love of my God for me. My wife constantly loves and lifts me up. My wife always forgives me when no other human would consider forgiving. My wife is greatly loved by God and by me. Lord God, thank you for all you constantly give me. I am thankful most of all for my daughters and my parents. At this moment, however, I am most thankful in ways and words I cannot express. For the gift of love you Lord God have given me, my partner, my friend, my wife – Linda. July 17, 1988 Last night listening to the music of Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Coat, I felt so close to my God. The words took on meaning beyond their writers' intentions and my heart soared with love for my God. That feeling carried over into this day. I am tired right now and sleepy although it is early. Probably the heat has once again drained my strength. There is much I want to say but I think it can be summed up in these words. Love was poured out upon me. I was not really ready and was not prepared. Love came anyway and dwelled in me. I became ready through my willingly and openly acknowledging its presence in me. In other words, if you are open to love, no matter when or where it comes, love will come and dwell within you. Go with the flow so to say open yourself to the presence of God, and live. I do not know what tomorrow will bring. In a way, I do not care. You see, I am still in today. Thank you Lord God for this moment. John
July 18, 1988 What doe the word Christian mean? Doe sit mean that I alone know the truth? Could it possibly mean that on one else knows the truth? Does the word Christian mean truth? Is there more than one truth? Does it mean Roman Catholic, Baptist, Assembly of God? Surely it would seem to mean that if you don't believe as I do, you are wrong. You believe something different so must not be Christian. No way you and I can both be Christians at the same time. That's it! I figured it out. Christian mean different. I also must mean wrong, different and wrong. Has Christian really come to mean different and wrong? What does the word mean? Christ…what and who was Christ anyway? The man who was always God and yet became man. The God man who lived his life loving God's people. The God man who brought only one simple message. And what was that message? Love God and love each other. A Christian I always thought was a human being who believed that Christ was God, become man. A Christian I always thought was a human being who knew, believed, and tried to live as Christ taught. Christ taught us to love God and to love each other. The word Christian means of, from, and about Christ. A Christian, I always thought, was a human being who through his or her actions, lived a life according to the teachings of Christ. I think either I do not know what Christian means or there are not many Christians in the world I live in. In my world, people who call themselves Christians refuse to love one another. In my world people will call themselves Christians in attempt to convert or change other different Christians to the way they believe. If not by peaceful manner then by violence. In the world it is much more difficult to live as a follower of Christ than to call yourself a Christian and follow any which way that suits your individual need. In my world it is important to be known as a Christian, to call yourself a Christian, and to be seen as a Christian. It just is not important to live as a Christian. I think this is because very few people in this world have ever stopped to get to know just who Christ is. I live in a sad and frustrated, an angry and unhappy world that must soon come to grips with the word Christian. July 19, 1988 In a few moments a black man born out of wedlock in South Carolina will speak to the Democratic Convention in of all places, Georgia. Jesse Jackson is that man. A short four years ago, yet in my life, a lifetime ago, I was a white delegate at the State Democratic Convention for Jesse Jackson. All men, all humanity, all life is equal in every way in the eyes of God. It has not been so in the eyes of man. Who am I to value life over life if my maker and creator values me the same as all other life? As I have often said, no life can be without the presence of God. Where there is life, there is God. Where there is God there is love. Jesse Jackson is the hope of equality of all Americans tonight. He is not all right. He is not perfect in any manner shape or form, but he is a real sign of hope for us all. I have just finished listening to him speak-. He said when his name is put nomination, our name, yours and mine, are put into nomination. He said he understands. I think he does. Common ground is what we seek. Common ground is more than mutual respect. Common ground is love. The little common ground we share tonight is a direct result of some of us beginning to allow God's love to come forth in our being. I thought he gave a magnificent speech of hope, he spoke as a peacemaker, he spoke of common ground, he spoke as he said for all of us who have believed. The Apostle Paul said it was not enough to live by the law. The Apostle Paul wrote what was necessary was that we should believe. I hope Jesse believes. I think he does. I hope I believe. I think I do. I love you Lord God. John
July 20, 1988 O Lord my God, where you are is life. O Lord my God, where life is you are. O Lord my God, where you are there is love. O Lord my God, love is in every life for that is where you are. Today Gigi, our oldest daughter, told us she is pregnant. She is engaged to be married to a fine young man and in trying to abstain from sex, it seems a new life has come. The have decided to marry at once and to have their marriage ratified by their church as soon as practical.
John
July 21, 1988 A new day is upon us. There is hope in all things new and I am trying to feel that hope this day. I am looking forward to serving my God and being a good husband, father, and man, Newness is special. It is a freshness that is the healthy renewal of man. Man's spirit needs healthiness. It is fitting that anything new, fresh, and alive originates from the loving Lord Creator God. Nothing that is old: comes from God. If it is new and fresh, and it is alive and filled with the hope of tomorrow, it is of, from, and by God. God knows man needs constant renewal and provides for that need in the person of Jesus. Jesus is man's hope. You and I cannot choose to be renewed. You and I have no way to renew our spirit. The choice that is ours is the choice to allow ourselves to be renewed. If we are not willing to be renewed to be reborn, to begin all over, it will not happen. God has provided us with the means but we must choose to accept the means. Jesus is the means. Jesus renews each of us and refreshes each of us in specific and the most personal of ways. There is no one way for all of us except to say that in Jesus we all can find the way. It is just that in Jesus the way we find may not be the way that anyone else finds. This sometimes can be the most difficult thing. Our way of being renewed is not the way we think it will be or even an acceptable way to someone else. When anything is not absolutely our way or acceptable to others we find ourselves resisting renewal. Renewal is absolutely necessary in an ongoing and constant manner for all humanity. Humanity is constantly overwhelmed with the death of normal everyday living. Humanity is constantly faced with the superior power of the Evil One who constantly is working in the most subtle of ways to control and thus possess us. Humanity must be constantly refreshed and renewed. Most insidious infliction the Evil One has succeeded in placing on mankind is lack of awareness. If humanity was aware of the things humanity, under the powerful influence of the Evil One, is doing, humanity would in the instantaneous flash of a millisecond of awareness eternally reject the Evil One. In that one incredible moment of awareness, humanity would cry out as one for the Lord God and humanity would, through the unlimited love of its God, be renewed and refreshed. I pray with all my being for such an instant. Awareness. I cannot believe if we were aware we would act as we do. I do believe humanity has to choose to be aware! The Evil One has made it so easy for humanity that humanity has unknowingly chosen to be unaware of its actions. Unawareness does not in anyway excuse humanity. Humanity must choose to be aware! Humanity must choose to be refreshed and renewed. Freshness, renewal, hope all around us. The love of the Lord Jesus, all around us. Today I choose to be renewed and I choose to be refreshed and I choose to be aware I am loved by Jesus my God and my God's gift to me. July 22, 1988 Once upon a time there was a man who lived in fear. He lived in fear of failing, himself, his wife, his family. He lived in fear of failing at his job. He lived in fear of losing his job and not being able to get one. The single most over-riding fear he lived in that could not ever happen, he feared we would do something that would cause his God, the God of unlimited love to stop loving him. The worse part of living in such fear was this man had the knowledge to set such fears aside. This man knew that such fear was unfounded. This man knew that his God would love him no matter and forever, and so one day this man decided he could no longer live in fear. Oh yes he still understood all the sad and unjust things. Things, that had happened to him could still happen yet again. He just decided that he could no longer live in fear. This man came face to face with himself and a great battle ensued. He called with all his human being on the unlimited love of his God. He spoke plain words to his God and his God heard. He said come Lord Jesus and rescue me. Stand firm with me. He begged his Lord to grab him and hold him tight. And he knew his God was listening and would not turn him loose. Today this man lives in faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. Today this man has daily knowledge of unjust and evil things. Today, and tomorrow, this man will have the strength to live free - because this man had the strength to call for help from his God. Most absolutely because his loving Lord Creator God heard and answered. Who is this man and how do I have such knowledge? I am this man and I thank my God for holding me tight. July 23, 1988 In the middle of a day one begins to wonder. The morning is over and gone and cannot be recaptured. The afternoon is here and flying away ever so quickly - soon the evening will be upon us and nighttime follows. Then before we are ready, yes morning starts the cycle once more. In the middle of the day it is easy to get sleepy. Things just seem to weigh so heavily upon your soul. Your body begins to feel old and weary and you tired. Your eyelids begin to close unexpectedly. You feel yourself fight to maintain control and yet you are asleep before you have begun to fight. The middle of the day is like that you know. The middle of the day is not a time for making firm decisions. It is a time for catching up, a time for slowness. It is the time to draw a clean fresh breath of air. You heed to breathe deeply and slowly and relax. When you wake up you can start going 100 miles an hour again. The middle of the day is not that kind of time. I like the middle of the day because my body puts me in my place. I like the middle of the day because I am brought back to who I am. One nice thing about the middle of the day, it always comes and therefore must be a special gift of love from my God. July 24, 1988 For the last three years, maybe 4 years, but especially the last 3 years, there have been so very many desperate times for me as a husband, father, and provider. Whenever these times happened for me, and they were all too frequent, they also happened for my wife and children in just the same pain. These times in the last years were more the norm than the exception. So many times we did not know where the money for the next meal, even where we would be living, so alone and lost and still trying. Most people I meet today have no understanding of these kinds of times and yet we were not alone. We were better off than so many. I mean better off financially and physically. The most important thing we had though, was the faith that our God would take care of us. Our God did take care of us. There were so many good tines and yet we had nothing to sustain us except our faith in the love our God had for us. I know it must sound crazy to you but they were the most wonderful of three years indeed, just as they were the most horrible. I find myself living in fear today that is unjustified on my part. My single biggest fear is that I will inadvertently do or say something that will cause me to lose my job before we qualify for unemployment and before we have saved some money for such an emergency. I cannot believe I who have first hand knowledge of the love of God. I cannot believe I have so little faith. How can I justify making my family scrimp and save most of our salary? If anything I should be giving what I am saving away. There are so many of my brothers and sisters living in the dread fear of not having. They haven't had for so long they have given up. They gave up without even knowing of Jesus and his infinite love for them. Lord God I refuse to live in fear. Lord God I am so torn. A part of me says have to be prepared and another part of me says why didn't your God protect you and take care of you when you had such great need? I know of my God's love firsthand and I still do not have enough faith. "John you're doing what I want you to be doing.. Keep it up. This is my plan, John, not yours!" "Oh, by the way, John, your faith is just fine." Jesus. July 25, 1988 O Lord, my God, I love you. Please come to me and let me know just what I should be doing. Please don't let me fail you or myself. I so want to please the people here, but Lord, I don't want to please them or anyone ever at the expense of offending or hurting or just not loving you. You are my strength and my hope and my everything and I am so glad your are. My daughter got married this day and I was not there. It hurt so much not be there. I hurt for her mother more than I hurt for myself. Linda had so much right to be there. Be with them and let them be strong in you. Give them the help they need please Lord. Be my wedding gift to them. You are the finest of all gifts and I just know they'll need you. Smooth over the problems with Tim's parents and help them by letting them know they are loved both by their family and, most of all, their God. Linda and I have hurt so much these last few years and I hurt her so many times and ways in the previous years. Somehow because of your love for me, there is happiness, great success, and the fulfillment of dreams still ahead for us. I thank you for that knowledge. Hey God, it's ok. I'm really fine and you're ok too. I guess even you, my God like to know you are ok too once in a while. Well God, you are doing a pretty good job. Hang in there and don't forget please do not turn me loose. I love you and I know you love me. Thanks. John
July 26, 1988 I am not in touch with my feelings, perhaps I am too in touch with my feelings. I am so angry without knowing why and yet I know exactly why. I am angry. I think I demand way too much of myself. I think I expect me to be able to do anything and to cope with all situations. I think I have unrealistic expectations of me and when I fail to live of to my expectations, I get tired and depressed. The only problem is I know better. I am in such a hurry and yet I cannot make myself work on what is most important to me. The one thing that if I did it enough, and often enough, might provide me means for me to be who I think God has called me to be is writing and because I have not had immediate success, I am reluctant to keep writing. I have started a project now that I know is much b than the one I finished last. I must keep on trying and I must have more patience with me. There are only so many hours in a day and I am working too hard and too many hours doing something that, although I might be good at, I do not want to be doing. I am a minister, not a bookkeeper. People are what is important to me not managing an office. I belong to my God and not the Evil Ruler of my world. I belong to Christ Jesus and not to anything else. I will not give in to the devil and I will serve my Lord God. I will. Stand with me Jesus and hold me. July 27, 1988 At first I thought I talked too much and, maybe I do. At first thought I was too open with too many people, and, maybe I am. At first thought I was too sensitive to my pain, my hurt, and, I am sure I am. At first thought I was too sensitive to the pain of others, and, I probably am. On second thought I do talk too much. I am way too open with way too many. I feel my pain way too much and certainly too long. It is true I feel deeply the pain of others. Yet, I am compelled to say; thank you God for giving me the gift of being unafraid to talk with your people. Thank you God for allowing the gift of being able to share me with others. Thank you God for allowing me to feel my pain, and most of all, I thank you my God for giving me the gift of being open to others' pain. I believe it is through these gifts that I have grown. It is through these gifts I will continue to grow. It is a result of my growth that I am who I am this day. And who I am? Is a man who, through the gifts God has given him, is an open, trusting, and loving man who is unafraid to share his God with his God's people.
I have called you by name to be mine! I do not like being rejected! I love you even when I have been rejected. I want you to choose to love me. John, you have chosen to love me. Your faith sometimes needs a little work, but I know you love me. You have reached the point in your life where you could not choose not to love me. You have worked very hard to get here, and your God has watched you grow. This does not mean you will not fall or stumble. You will do both and unfortunately often. I just wanted you to know I, your God, know you really love me and your love is a permanently a part of you. O Lord my God, I hear and I thank you. Please Lord, do not turn me loose. Continue to hold me close and maybe I can find the way through you not to fall or stumble so very often. Yüklə 1,1 Mb. Dostları ilə paylaş:
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