A single year

February 14, 1988
Today is Valentine's Day. My daughter, Nikki, is being visited by her first real boy friend. She calls him her fiancé. Maybe he is and then again so what if he is just first young love.
Watching them brings back memories. Special memories of when Linda, my wife of almost twenty three years, and I were first married, even first engaged. We got engaged officially on Friday, February 12. Officially because that is when I gave her a ring. It was a ring that I picked out at Zales Jewelers and bought with my mother's co-signature. It was a beautiful ring and cost the huge sum of around $300. I wanted Linda to like her ring so much. She loves it and treasures it more I could have hoped. The interesting thing is that I was so broke after the down payment that I could not even afford a seventy five cent movie. The next day, Valentine's Day, I visited her and could not help but notice twelve incredible red beautiful roses. It seems her most recent love before me had remembered Valentine's also.
It wasn't very funny then.
Our relationship survived that and so much more, but can you imagine? I had spent my last dime on an engagement ring and here she has red roses.
Watching my daughter tonight reminded me her mother when we finally got married, a whole six months after we first met. I remembered her as tiny and beautiful and perfect and then in the middle of my remembering, she asked me,-pre we really old enough to have a daughter have a boy come visit?" we both knew the answer. We both knew no answer was needed.
I thought of my first love and the number of young loves that I had experienced. I know that this young man is truly my daughter's first real romance. I hoped she would not jump into anything more permanent. Then I looked back at my wife, a short very plump incredible sexy and whole woman, forty years young, and I thought how glad I was I jumped.
I guess because Linda and I were so very young and immature when we got married, we assume that other young people as immature as we were could not possible make a marriage work. I don't know that is fair on our part. You see when God wants two people to live together in marriage, God gives those young people special gifts. I think if they decided they were really in love and seemed to have any kind of understanding of what marriage meant, in our love for each other and them, we'd say ok. I know we first would insist on some solid marriage preparation. That would seem to me to be a parental obligation. Such preparation would be God centered and include everything from sex to money and children. I think marriage preparation should include prayer and time. Time is important because it allows a man and woman the opportunity to step back and look long and steady at the person they are saying they want to spend the rest of their life as partners with.
Now I know Linda and I did not have such preparation. I also know we were not just lucky. It also has occurred to me that God would take care of them as God took care of us.
It is also true that they may not share the same determination not to allow their marriage to fail as Linda and I share. It is also true they may not share the same determination to make their marriage work no matter the personal cost that Linda and I share.
It is also true, and I hope it is not, that they may not allow God's love to be the center of their life as Linda and I have. Without the love of God, the need for God, the willingness to seek God's help; our marriage would not have lasted six months. This is what we most want and wish for our daughters.
Now we feel that because of the way we have raised our children, they have this intense and wonderful relationship with God that I just described. Time in a marriage preparation period allows our daughter the opportunity to discover if the one she wants to spend her life with/has this same relationship with his God.
It isn't just knowing that God is important to making a marriage work that is important. It isn't knowing that God is important to your life that is important. What is important is living your life in such a way that reflects this knowledge,
It's the doing that is important!


February 15, 1988
An open letter to God dear God,
I know who you are. I know you to be my creator. You created me from you. You are love and so I too, am love. When you created me, you did not abandon me. You dwelled within me and stayed within me from my first moment of life. The only time you left me is when I shared you with others. The more I shared you with others, indeed the stronger I felt your presence within me. It seems as though the more I gave you away, the more you dwell in me.
Sadly I do not do that all the time. I promise to share you more.
Through your love for me, I was lead to marriage with my wife. Our love for each other, along with your love dwelling in us, enabled us to be chosen by you to help in the creation of other humans. Our blessing was three wonderful and most special daughters.
Your love for us has always been my wife and my rallying point. When we knew not what to do, when we could not see tomorrow, when everything we tried just fell flat and failed, we always knew you were with us.
I am a little disappointed in my being unable to handle this. I hope you, God are not disappointed.
I still want to be your servant. I want this on your terms, not mine. It is just that right now I am almost out of hope.
Well, Lord, there you have it. What ever you ask, I will try to accept.

John

February 16, 1988
It is a time for feeling tired, it is a time for wondering why,
It is a time for answers and patience, and I do not seem to have any of either!
I talked clearly to my God from my heart, what I said came from deep within my being, I believe my
God listened to what I said, I just know his love heard my cry for help.
I need now to have more patience with everyone, you see my impatience shows not just with God,
It seems my painful being shows through my impatience, I do not want to cause anyone pain ever.
Action seems to be what I am crying for, action, yes, Lord, action, but Lord let it be your action.
I don't want to follow any action just because it's there, the only action I would like to follow is yours, Lord!
Once more I express the fact that I am truly sorry, and I will try not to repeat the same mistakes, I ash not only your loving forgiveness, but, I also ask the forgiveness of all I have ever hurt.
You can see Lord how much I need your presence, Lord, please know I want your hand guiding me,
Lord, I choose to love you for you are my God,
It could be no other way for you dwell within me, and,
We are one!

February 17, 1988
I am trying to be patient,

The Lord needs time to work,

I am trying to be thankful for any and all gifts given.

It is not easy to be patient or thankful when the need overshadows all else.

Sometimes the need demands such a huge miracle, small miracles are not noticed by the needy.

We should be thankful for any and all miracles, and we are,-we just need to be aware a miracle happened.

Patience means waiting for someone else to do something, the longer it is you have waited, the harder it is to wait. Patience means depending on someone else to fill a need, in this case God is the only hope to fill this need.
The reason that is, is because we have rejected the devil, the devil and his way is no longer an acceptable way. We have rejected the ways of the flesh for the ways of God, we are happy in our choice, we still need the miracle.
There are those that would make a good case – that God has indeed given up on us and gone on to others, they are quick to point out how lazy we are to wait for God, they think we have an unfounded foolish faith.
What they do not understand is the nature of man. You see, God not only made man but dwells forever in him, since God dwells forever within me, I do not fear his leaving, I know I have placed myself at God's disposal.
God has a purpose for me and this is a learning time, you see I have never been a patient man. You see I have never before with knowledge forsaken control, now I am learning patience and giving myself to God's control!
The truth is I do not know if I am doing the right thing, I suppose no one could know except God. I do know I have listened to what I heard my God say, and, I believe with all my being he knows I am trying!
Lord God, if I am not doing your will, I ask you instructions on what I am to do. Loving Lord God, I know you have heard me, with all I am, I await your answer.

February 18, 1988
I rode forty five miles today on a thirty mile per hour moped. It was a real experience.
I felt more than a little fear when big and even bigger cars passed very close to me. Their hot exhaust would both warm me and serve notice to me of their close presence.
My right hand was closed tightly on the throttle. After a short time this hand became almost numb. The short distance of ten miles in a car became an unending thirty minute ride on the moped. My rear end began to throb and feel every bump in the road.
Yet in a strange sort of way, there were some nice things that happened on this ride. I noticed birds in places I never noticed before. Not only did I notice more things I began to look at these things in a most comprehensive way. At thirty miles per hour, you not only see more but you tend to experience what you see. Every little thing becomes personal.
It was a clear pretty day. The temperature was around sixty five degrees and the sun was so bright so as to make the day seem even warmer. In between cars the air was very breathable.
It occurred to me that it would be nice to slow our lives down so that life could be experienced in the same manner as I experienced what I saw during my ride today. The thought also crossed my mind that in the slowing down of life, there would be noxious fumes to occasionally make us sick. If you slow your life down to experience the good, you can be sure that you will also be much more aware of the yucky as it seemed every time today that I would began to get just a little comfortable, a big car would roar past leaving a wake of foul fumes in its path, and, right in my face. I would keep on going almost in defiance of these cars and their fumes. I kept on going because I was headed somewhere specifically and I knew that the only way I would get there was to keep on going. I kept on going because I just knew fresh clean air would follow. It would seem that life is a lot like this ride I took today.
In life we try so hard to reach a goal. We know that in order to reach this goal, we must do certain things. We do these certain things and even then things don't turn out as we had planned. We don't give up because we just refuse to give up our dream. We don't give up because we just know that it will happen, whatever it is. The most important reason to not give up is that all things are possible for man when God is involved. If man is involved, God is involved. God resides within man. Man can not dismiss God from man's being. We do not give up because we are creations of hope. That unlimited and seemingly indomitable spirit that refuses to allow us to quit, hope, is the love of God within us.
There can be no question that life can be very uncomfortable. This ride today was most uncomfortable and left me with some real aches and pains.
I not only survived the ride today but in retrospect, I thoroughly enjoyed it. As difficult as life can be, and my life recently has been most difficult, I thoroughly enjoy living.
Perhaps this spirit of hope I was speaking of is what creates such an attitude in me. I think it is.

February 19, 1988
I have so much to write.
Nikki Marie told us she got married yesterday. It was a horrible lie. I almost wish she had. She told us this lie and then proceeded to tell us she was going to Syracuse to live with her boyfriend/fiancé and his parents. She ended up leaving tonight after admitting she had been lying all week to us. I can't write about it tonight. I am numb. I hurt so much. It seems to be a fact that whatever bad can happen to us is going to happen.
I had to let Nikki go. You see, I love her. Love is I wrote, unconditional. I love my daughter Nikki no matter the situation. So I had to let her go.

Isn't this the same love I have been writing about? Well, where is God's unconditional love for me and my wife right now? What more is there that we must endure in order to prove we are not going to turn away from God? Is there more that we can endure? I think not, yet, I have thought not before.

For the record, despite the words I spoke in anger earlier today, despite the horrible hurt I feel now, no matter! I love my God! My God loves me! My God will take care of me! I have not turned away and I will not!
I sure need you Lord.


February 20, 1988
Unconditional Love.
Unconditional love is perhaps the single hardest thing a human can try to achieve. I have tried loving a most precious daughter unconditionally. I exploded first and then I somehow found the incredible courage to try to love unconditionally. Outwardly it would seem I did it. I am still so angry at her and so very hurt by her actions, I must really wonder if I actually did give her unconditional love.
Love without strings. Love without bargains. Unconditional love is this and yet even more. Accepting a human as they are without putting any other expectation on them. Loving without regard to their action. Loving without holding them responsible in any fashion for what they are doing. All of these things are unconditional love.
One of my problems with that is that I think a person is responsible for their actions. I believe a parent has an obligation to aid a child in their development from child to manhood. My wife says that ,yes we do have this responsibility, and yes once we have pointed out our understanding of the action being taken, we have to in unconditional allow that person to do and be as they wish.
Our daughter is 19 years old. She was attending a local community college. Her education was being financed by Pell Grants awarded to her on the basis of our income. Her aunt had given her the money for her books. She had registered as a state resident after attending school in another state for a year and a half as a state resident there. Her 38 year old boyfriend, who admittedly is uncomfortable around us, her family, because we are too religious etc., came to visit her from another state. The day before he arrived our daughter told us how happy she was in her classes. Yesterday, barely five days later, she left her home to go live, platonically she says, with his family and him. She hopes to continue her education in that state although she is not a resident there (out of state tuition), will have no job etc. She said that she will withdraw from her current college which is at mid semester.
Because she knew her mother and I would not understand such a hasty move; a move that seemed to have much urgency to it, she made up a horrible terrible lie. She told the parents of her young man the exact lie she was going to tell us. She also told them that there was too much pressure on her for her to continue to live with us. The lie was that she had married this young man in a civil ceremony the day before. Of course when you tell such a lie you presuppose your parents must not know anything about what it takes to get married.
It did no good that we suggested she take an apartment by herself, live with her grandparents, do anything she wanted just to give herself time to finish the semester. My wife and I were face with a daughter out of control and filled with the glory of her power. This was the same daughter that only a few days earlier had state so clearly just how much she loved us.
What should we have done? Legally she is of age and she of course knew it. Physical restraint? I considered it. I wanted to physically take hold of her and shout, slow down! I probably wanted to do more than that. After clearly stating our strong objections to just pulling out of school with no real understanding of what she was undertaking, my wife and I kissed her , told her we loved her so much that no matter what she said or did, she would always be our daughter whom we dearly loved. My wife said this was unconditional love. All I know is that I have never done anything so hard.
The most important hurt we, my wife and I, both felt was the realization that our daughter could deliberately plan a serious lie, understand the lie and the serious pain and hurt it would cause, and still decide to do it. Before she left she acknowledged that this was exactly what she had done. She said she felt she had done nothing wrong.
As hurt and angry as we are, this was just shattering. Her actions called into question everything we had ever stood for or done or believed as parents.
When this has happened to other parents, Linda and I always assured them that what their child was doing was not a personal reflection on their ability to be parents. Today we know first hand how they feel.
All things pass and good can be found in everything. Maybe this young man with whom she shares almost nothing in common is her real and true and God given love. Before they left our home, Linda, my wife, and I prayed for God's blessing to be on them. This made them very uncomfortable. I did not care. I did not have any difficulties with her choice of young men. If she chooses to get married I have no problems. It is the most natural and wonderful of life choices. The fact that this young man is uncomfortable with us because of our daily reading of the bible, our love of God, makes me so very uncomfortable for our daughter. Without God in their marriage from the start, the marriage would seem destined for failure. 0 Lord we pray that you will not allow them to fail.
We love her very much and know there is a fair chance she will find herself needing us down the road. We will be there for her, unconditionally.


February 21, 1988
Have you ever wondered if Jesus ever tried to run away from home? What would Mary and Joseph have done? Suppose Jesus, who according to all reports, decided to date a girl that Mary and Joseph didn't like. What do you think would have happened?
I know 1 could not happen. Mary and Joseph were the perfect parents, and, children of perfect parents don't do such things. Beside, Jesus is God and son grew up just right.
Ok, no problem. You know though, have you ever looked very hard at who Jesus hung out with when he grew up? Not the vest thought op people in society I mean come on, Mary Magdalene? Heck even his twelve special followers were somewhat of a motley crew. I know Jesus was God.
Well you know so what if he was God. He was also fully - and that means in every way - human. Humans have a tendency to do not so perfect things even if they come from the finest of families and homes. Sometimes in spite of that fact. What would be so wrong if Jesus did have a bit of a rebellious nature? He sure had one when he grew up. No one denies that!
Can you imagine being father God watching Mary and Joseph struggle with a bright sensitive young savior of your people who first or all wanted to get on with it? I mean do you remember when in the bible we read how he asked a worried Joseph and Mary, "don't you know I have to do my father's business?" Consider the Lord God commiserating with Mary and Joseph that, his son, their child, might age them beyond their time. Hey, don't laugh. It might have happened. You noticed we were not left with much knowledge about Jesus as a teenager.
I don't know. I may be writing sacrilegiously right now. I hope not and again do not think I am. In fact, as a father myself, I would kind of like to think God the father and Mary and Joseph did have one or two difficult moments with their son. Oh sure, like me and you, they knew Jesus would turn out fine. After all, Jesus is and was God. After all Jesus had the most perfect human parent a human could have and yes Jesus did have God the creator of everything for his real father. With all that going for him, he still managed to lose his temper physically in a place of worship. He still managed to choose unusual friends and followers. He still managed to get himself publicly nailed to a cross. He still managed to fulfill his parents -earthly and otherwise. Yes he, Jesus still not only fulfilled his purpose for being here, but actually did it willingly.
Being a father who has placed a great importance on fatherhood and it's inherent responsibilities; being a father who has endured hurt and pain in the growing up op his own children; it pleases me to no end that the God who created me "thought 90 much of me that he, God, might have suffered and loved and enjoyed fatherhood in much the same way as I. Not only does such a thing not take away or limit God in any way in my eyes, but, on the contrary, in this way God becomes even more precious to me. No question about it.
And Jesus, well look how he turned out. Pretty super. Makes me think, hope and believe that there is hope for my children yet.


February 22, 1988
What is hell? Many of us have been taught hell is fire. It is intense fire where someone who is in serious sin will burn literally forever upon death. Some of us believe hell is any existence anytime or place where God's presence is not. In the bible hell is variously described as: the pit of torment, an eternal fire, eternal punishment, outer darkness, eternal destruction, lake of fire and a place of separation. In the bible hell is a place prepared for: the devil and his angels, the wicked, angels who sinned, the beast and the false prophet, and worshipers of the beast. All in all, hell, is not a good place.
My wife and I were reading the book of Daniel yesterday. In the third chapter there is a story of mankind, hell, and hope and salvation. This is how we seemed to understand that story.
This king had gathered all of his money in one central location. This money was the outward sign of his power. It was an awesome display. The ruler gathered all his people together and laid it on the line. Bow down before my worldly power and thus bow down before me. If you do not then you will be killed in as horrible a fashion as is possible. You will be burned literally in fire.
The world is king and if you do not play the game according to the world's rules, you will be shunned, you will be made unhappy, you will die-until you are dead you will be terribly unhappy.
This king had several advisors. Some of which this king really respected. It is the same in our world. There are several people in this world that even if we do not love, we surely respect. Three of this king's advisors refused to bow down and worship their earthly ruler's earthly power. These three dared to be different. They were not being different for different's sake but rather because there was no other way for them to be. You see they believed in bowing down and worshiping one God. They believed their one God was the only God and that their God was the creator of all. In that belief there was no room for them to worship an earthly God, not even at the expense of their life.
The earthly king called his respected advisors before him. This earthly king was not pleased. For one thing he respected these three advisors and did not want to lose them. This earthly ruler was willing to show respect for their belief, he just wanted them to publicly acknowledge his belief in his God. They simply could not do that because they knew there was only one God and no other. The king in a rage told them that he was going to have the fire burning as hot as he could mare it and that if their God was so great, their God would come and rescue them.
Their answer is my faith. Even if our God does not come and rescue us from this fire and certain horrible death, we can not bow down and worship your God.
It seems that with all that seems to have gone wrong in my own life recently and it is considerable, I share their same answer. No matter the fire I am in, no matter I can not see beyond the moment and I am unsure of the moment, I will not worship another God. Like those advisors, I too, believe that my God will rescue me. But if he doesn't, it does not matter. He is my God and I believe in him! In the story as these three were thrown in the fire, a person variously described as a son of God or an angel of the Lord came and walked with them and they were saved. As they walked in this fire they gave praise to their God in word and deed. They acknowledged they had sinned in every way and yet went on to beg God for his mercy. They then acknowledged God as the one true God glorious over all the world. When they saw they were to be saved, they began pouring out their heart soul and mind in words of praise.
My wife and I think perhaps we are in this fire-we are in this hell. We have been praying to our God in much the same way as these advisors were. We think in the intense fire we are in God must surely be walking beside us. It is God walking beside us that has allowed us to survive so far. It is only because God is here right this moment with us that we are able to continue. If we are to come out of this fire it will only be because God is with us. There is no doubt we can not survive it on our own.
If we are to perish then it is important that we do not give up what we believe. What we believe is that God created us from himself. God created us from his infinite love and God dwells within us. God will never turn away from us-even if we perish, our belief will not.
The king saw the glory of God and ordered that all his domain would worship this all powerful God.
The world we live in has not acknowledged the glory of its god. The world we-live in worships false gods. What god do you worship? What world do you live in? What is your hell?