A single year

February 23, 1988
I sit and wait expectantly not knowing what for, I guess I just can't stop anticipating his love, and it is in his love that I will find what I expect, for sure something good is about to be upon me, I can feel his breath on me so very close and warm.
Sometimes what we expect is not what we get and yet, this time, this one special time, I'll get much more, more even than one such as I can reasonably expect, so often his answer. Is that which we need, not want, this time. What we need and what we want are the same.
I have no tangible proof, you know, that this will happen, I have gone to the well before and come away dry, maybe because for the first time ever I really believe what I want, what I need, is what he wants for me, it is because I know this that he will let it happen.
So, what if it doesn't happen and I am wrong again, you know I have quite a history of being wrong.
In my head I hear me saying, this time is no different, yet no matter even if I did not know what I now know, this time is really special and I know it because
My God told me so!


February 24, 1988
It is so hard not to feel angry at what is happening, or should I have said what seems not to be happening, have I not been humble enough, or sorry enough, have I not been contrite and prayerful and patient, have I not begged my God to in his love for me help me, what is it I am not doing, or being-please, Lord
No matter if God saves me or ignores me, he loves me. No matter if I am to be humbled even more, he loves me.
No matter what happens to me, God loves me and I love him! My God knows this is my answer and knew it would be so, yet still I am tested almost beyond endurance - and I do not understand why, I am beyond understanding.
I have come to the conclusion that it does not matter it simply is of no importance why all this is. What matters is my knowledge that my God loves me, it doesn't even matter that my God knows I know. It doesn't matter that I have continued to be faithful, what matters now is that I have need to feel my God's love!
That is where I am at, maybe not where I want to be. But still it is true, just knowing God loves me should be all one would ever need or want, should be. The truth is I need to feel God's love for me personally I need his love manifested in good positive action, an action that will enforce and support who I am trying to be?
So what happens if I do not set this action? Well God will still love me and I will still love God, this thing can not be changed for it is written in stone, no doubt my understanding and anger will grow more, it is just I see my God only as all powerful good love, this lack of obvious support seems not from my loving God
Lord God as you can see I am trying to reason through this and I am not doing so very well because I am scared Lord God please know I have sinned in everyway and, I do not deserve in any way your love or support, also know Lord God, just the same, I am counting on it. Please Lord God, do not get mad at me, just love me.

John

February 25, 1988
Ask and you shall receive, Jesus' words.
I know Jesus as my savior, my friend, my love, to say I believe what Jesus said to be true, would be like saying that I am a human being.
Seek and you shall find, knock and doors will be opened, this is the promise of my loving God, my savior Jesus.
I have been asking Jesus not to turn me loose and I have no reason to doubt he has let me go. I have asked Jesus to provide me with a job for him. And I have reason to doubt this is what he wants for me, I have sought the truth that I think Jesus wants of me.
I am seeking to do and be what it is Jesus would have of me, yet I do not seem to be finding just what that is, I have been knocking on doors begging to be let in, instead of opening, doors are shutting at every turn,
If I were still seeking to do my will, I could understand, but it is not so and Jesus I know acknowledges this, if I am knocking on the wrong doors and it seems to be so, it must be because I am not seeking what God wants me to, so Lord I am open, whatever it is you want, make it known: I am willing to do your will, I just need to know it,
I ask you my Jesus, my God, make your will known to me.
I ask you my God to provide me with a means to serve you, I ask you my God for this means to provide for my family, I seek what your answer. I await your answer. I need it.
Give me the right door to knock upon so that it might open.

If I am doing the right thing at this time, then give me the strength to be patient, to wait.

Give me the strength to keep on knocking on doors.

Please give me the strength to wait until you open a door.

Lord Jesus, I have tried to treat my children with love, even when I was terribly hurt and confused by their actions, Lord Jesus, you said the Father would love us more than I have loved my children and I know God loves me,
Lord Jesus, I am counting on your words, I depend on you.

I am ashamed of my weakness, my failings, my sins.

I ask the Father not to treat me as I deserve.

I ask the Father, the Son and the Spirit, as one God, just to love me.

John.

February 26, 1988
I am so angry at you, my God, It seems no matter what I do or no matter how hard I try, failure is all I can achieve!
No I am not feeling sorry for myself, yes I am tired of being a loser

I hurt so much over my failures,

Yet there seems to be nothing I can do.
My daughter ran away from home and me, my daughter is glad to be away from me, my daughter just wants a permanent home my daughter is all three daughters .
My wife tries with all she is to survive, my wife doesn't have what she needs. My wife never wants because she knows it can't be, my wife is the all and everything I have.
I want to change my being and get back what is mine, maybe nothing was really ever mine, I just thought it so, that is why I can not change things around,

It seems I lost all I had before I knew had it 

I cling to an impossible belief that God will save me, what I need is for something wonderful to happen, I have almost given up hope but I choose not to, the only thing I have left is my belief that God loves me :
It is this belief that I cling to and can not give up, this hope I maintain that the loving creator God, that I believe dwells within me, knows I am trying to hang on, this is my strength and I admit it is getting weak.
Please Lord God don't get mad at me or desert me, please know depression causes unusual reactions.
This depression must go away but only you can make it so.
Please Lord God just love me and lift me from this mess!

John

February 27, 1988
Dear God,
My wife and I are applying for any position you might have open within your earthly kingdom.
I suppose you would be interested in just what we feel qualifies us for a position with you.
The truth is often we feel we have no qualifications other than a persistent love for you.
To begin with we have been married for about twenty three years. I hope that shows a willingness on our part to make something work. Since, as you know, we were both self centered and very selfish at the beginning of our marriage, it would seem that we have had to work all the harder to have a good marriage. With your love always present our marriage has grown and changed. Not only do my wife and I cherish and love each other, we are most willing to share this love with others-we have reached an understanding of marriage that calls us to care for our brothers and sisters who are also considering or entering or already entered into marriage. We see our marriage as a witness to who you have helped us become.
Another qualification might be that we are parents. I assure you Lord, not the best of parents but still parents of three daughters. One daughter is giving a year of her life to help those who have a need to learn. Another daughter has all but forsaken her religion for a young man. Still another daughter takes great pride in having parents who want to work for you.
My wife and I have taken every opportunity that was possible for us without neglecting our parenting or marriage responsibilities, to learn about you. We did this so that we could teach not only from our heart but also with responsibility. We have much more to learn.
The way we try to live is one of our qualifications. You see, Lord, we try to live in a way that shows our love for you and more important we hope the way we live shows our awareness of your love for us. We want people to see that you, Lord, are the center of our life. Now, Lord, sometimes, more often than not, we don't do this so well. We still try.
Finally Lord, you know what is in our heart. I started to joke and say, please consider us anyway. You know what is in our heart. If you want us as your servants, well, here we are.
Now Lord, if you do offer us a position, boy is this hard, Lord, you will have to remind us constantly and help us always because there isn't a chance we could do it on our own. We hope that doesn't discourage you Lord.
While we would certainly consider other positions that might be open in your heavenly kingdom, you could certainly understand that we feel we still have things here on earth that we would like to accomplish. Please understand at a not too later date we hope to apply for a heavenly position.
Thank you for considering us, Lord.
Hope to hear from you soon.
John and Linda

February 28, 1988
What changes right before you and stays the same?

What is constantly new and different and still the same?

What is always challenging and never easy?

What is wonderful, very costly and yet free?

To all of the above I give you one answer, life!
No matter how much changes, isn't it always the same? Everything that happens in life is new and different. It also is always the same in most every way that counts.
At the times when life would seem to be lazy and effortless, so often we are brought to reality in the most harsh of ways, it cost you and me the same thing to be born, nothing, yet in order to live we must always spend what we have not, life is all of this and much more !
Most of us would give anything to get our life in order, most of us have trouble accepting our life as out of order, there is not one of us willing to give up our life, because no matter our faith, no matter how hard life is, it is here now, present for us, It is ours to live, and we aren't sure what's on the other side of life, so indeed we spend much of our life trying to possess life.
I wonder how you slow life down, can it be prevented from leaving, and I doubt it can be even slowed just a little. Sometimes I want to scream at life, please one more chance, just give me one more moment to get things in order. Allow me just one more chance to live the way I want. Slow down life, there is so much I want, need to change, what most of us would give for such a chance,
You wake up one morning and you are no longer young,

You wake up and middle age is well settled in your life, you wake up and your life is out of order, in chaos, and what can you do? Absolutely nothing it would seem,

You feel so helpless and out of control, not knowing what to do, so you cling tighter than ever to what you believe, you beg your God to help you, you beg your God to love you,
And when this God turns what seems to be a deaf ear, when you seem to even have lost the ability to dream. It is at this time in your life that who you are becomes apparent for you have been stripped of all your clothing and shelter, it is now that what is inside of you must be good in nature, for it is from what is inside you that you will find survival, if you truly believe in your God, this God will know it now, if at this time you believe in the one true God.
This God will find a way to save you and you will live.
It is also at this time that many men are reborn, given new life, because these men have not turned away from their God. God did not turn away from them, indeed, God created them God created them from within so that in these men reside God, in this new life man and God burst forth as one on the world, and the world ready or not receives God and man in life.


February 29, 1988
This is the one day that only comes every four years, leap year day.
It is strange because I have no special reason to feel as I do, yet, I have great expectations.
Perhaps these expectations are the result of all the prayers, all the fervent pleas, all that I have offered to my God. Maybe he has been answering me all along. It is just that if he has, I have missed his answer.
Maybe I am like Jonah of the bible in that God wants me to be somewhere I do not want to be. Maybe God wants me doing something I am not. That's ok. If I knew what it was, it would be fine.
Maybe like Jonah, God has had me swallowed up and will eventually have me spit out where he is determined to have me be. If again, I say if, that is so, no problem. I urge God to get on with it though. You see Lord, it is the not knowing, the inactivity, the frustration of not being able to do, this is what has fed my depression. This is why I am so confused and unhappy. It is not that I do not want to do what it is that you want me to do. As you, Lord, know, I have tried all the things I think you would want me to try with no success. I am a failure Lord, because you have not allowed me to be your servant. You, Lord, have not allowed me to be what you want me to be.
Ok, Lord, so your definition of what you want me to be and what I think you want me to be are somewhat different. So change my definition Lord until it matches yours. Just put me back in the game. In baseball a hitter can not hit unless he is allowed to bat. A pitcher can not strike a batter out unless he is allowed to pitch. A fielder can not catch a ball unless one is hit in his direction Lord.
Hey, I know the bench warmer is important. Bench strength is most important. Just knowing Babe Ruth is on the bench affects the game. Lord, are you sure I'm Babe Ruth? If I am your bench strength, well ok, it's really ok. I'd rather be your player. Please Lord make a player out of me. If I am not to be a player, then Lord, I am going to need strength I don't think I currently have. So please help me Lord.
Whatever it is you, Lord, want of me, it's fine. Really it is. I do not promise to be quiet about it though. I will pester you Lord until maybe you will give me one more chance to play. I know I can be a good player. I just need your permission.
Like I said, Lord do with me what you want. In fact no matter my protestations Lord, don*t turn me loose. Never turn me loose. The one thing I am counting on above all other things is your love for me. I am counting on my God not ever giving up or turning me away. This is my being, my soul, my entirety.
I just need Lord for you to straight forwardly put me where I should be doing what you want me to do. Don*t be offended Lord, but please get on with it!
I am expecting a miracle. I wish I could say I didn't care what kind of miracle it was. That is not true. I am expecting the miracle of being allowed back into the game. I am expecting the miracle of being allowed to be a player.

March 1, 1988
Today is my birthday. I have lived forty-three years. I have a wife and three daughters who love me.
When I was eighteen I was sure my God would do a great miracle that would allow me the chance to be. The miracle that I was expecting and anticipating did not happen. A different miracle must have happened for today twenty-five years later I still expect a similar miracle. Perhaps I will never learn. Perhaps what I have learned is that God never gives you the miracle you expect.
I suppose I have also learned that hope always is. Hope in what would seem to be impossible is sometimes all we have. Since no human can do the impossible, there must be a God to do these things. Since I can not imagine being created by accident, I believe in a God who created me with a purpose in mind. Since my God created me deliberately, I must have been created out of love. Since I am created from God's love, I am love and I believe in love. Since my God loves me I always have hope. Yes, I still hope for what would seem to be impossible.
I even hope and believe that God will give me the miracle I have been praying for. You say it didn't happen twenty five years ago and doesn't seem likely to happen now. That may be so but it does not deter me from maintaining hope. This consistent and persistent hope in my loving creator God is my life substance. I refuse to turn it loose.
In the same way I also believe that my creator God loves me no matter my insane mistakes. My God loves me no matter how often I fail or fall.
Even if the miracle I am seeking does not come about, it will not affect my relief in my God and my God's love for me.
It is quite conceivable that my God has all he can handle just taking care of me. It is quite believable that my God! Is answering me every moment I am alive. God loves me and knows all so perhaps God is providing me with all I need. Because God's answers are not the answers I dream of I tend to think God is not answering me. It would seem that sometimes I do not seek what God wants me to.
While I understand all this, the plain truth is that I would not fight God's plan for me if I only but knew just what that plan was. I would not expect the impossible miracle from God if once an impossible miracle was clearly given to me in a way I could see and appreciate-that is not to mean I do not appreciate Gods present presence in my life. I can not imagine life with out God's presence. The plain truth is no life is possible without God's presence.
So here I am on my birthday. I have great and impossible needs yet, I am most thankful for all the miracles already given me. While I expect an impossible miracle this day, I also acknowledge that God's continuing and ever present love in my life is the greatest miracle of all. It is this that I give thanks for this day.

March 2, 1988
My wife told me that I don't need to tell God what my needs are. She said that God knows my needs. For one thing, my wife said, I have told God in the most open and precise manner just what my needs are. God has heard my pleas. I asked her why there was no answer. My wife said maybe there was no answer because I did not expect an answer.
That kind of bothers me. Could it really be that I have given up on God answering me? I think she is right.
Well God I want to blame you because if you had answered my desperate plea, I would not have given up on you answering me. On the other hand I suppose if you had answered my prayer, l still would not be expecting you to answer me. Again my answer would have been already received.
I feel so closed off toward you, Lord. It is as if I am almost afraid that you will answer me. You see if you do answer me and I screw it up one more time, you may just give up and walk away from me forever.
Now my brains tell me that can not happen. The main thing is I know I can do nothing that would cause you ever to stop loving me. I also know I haven't stopped loving or needing you. Something else inside me is making me afraid. Maybe it is the evil one. I don" t know what it is. I think it is the devil. The devil knows I am in a weakened state. The devil knows I am tired, frustrated, worried and desperate for a positive sign from you, my God. The evil one nurtures itself on these feelings inside me.
Well I state once more. Come Lord Jesus, come to my heart. Rid me of the devil once and for all. I reject Satan, I reject evil. I reject and abhor anything that takes away from you my God! Come Lord Jesus. Come Lord .Jesus, come to me!
I am sorry for my lack of faith. I love you Lord Jesus! I love you and I reject the devil and the devil's ways.
Be gone Satan! In the name of my and God, Jesus I command you Satan to be gone from my being forever! In the name of Jesus, I command this!
What is inside of me is Jesus Christ. What is inside of me is the essence of God and that essence is love! Love is God's being. No matter if I am weak and fall often and seriously, my inner most being is God. You see, God created me and dwells within me. No wonder the devil is so attracted to me. The devil can not keep away from that which is God and inside me dwells God. I think the devil truly yearns to be reconciled with God. Devil, I can tell you how. Just say these words and God will take you, dev I l and heal you. Say after me, come Lord .Jesus, come into my being. Come and fill me Lord Jesus. Say those words and I know as do you, devil, the Lord Jesus will heal you.
Lord Jesus I am sorry for not expecting my miracle. I am sorry for making excuses about my humanity. Send me strength in the form of an angel to help me until I am strong enough to be that which you want me to be. I know it may take a long time. I also know you will not turn away or give up on me. Send me that angel and watch me, Lord, watch me grow.
I am sorry for all my signs and failings.

March 3, 1988
The Lord gave me an answer today. As per normal it was not the answer I hoped or prayed it would be. On the other hand it was not a negative answer. My wife said I should look for the positive in this answer. At first I felt that I could find nothing positive in it. In fact I sort of felt that it was a slap in the face. An out and out punch.
As usual, I am wrong.
The Lord God knows of my hope. He has heard my prayer and seen my faithfulness. The Lord God does not ignore his people. The Lord God listens and loves and answers his people. I am the Lord God's people. Now I know of course that you are his people also. The point is that this Lord God who created you and me from within and dwells forever within us could never deliberately hurt one of his own.
It would seem that me, yes me, the one who preaches to you that the essence of God is love, and that God's love is eternal and all powerful, well, it would seem that I tend to forget that on occasion. You know the saying, what kind of fool am I? I hope God smiles when he hears me say I am his, God's fool.
The hope in this answer was obvious. I received a letter from a subsidy publisher today. The letter was dated March 1, my birthday. I did not know the letter was from a subsidy publisher. What is a subsidy publisher? You, the author, pay them to publish and promote your book. Well I just thought I had received a great and glorious answer from my God. I thought a publisher had decided to publish my book.
I think my feelings of hurt can be understood in that I thought at last God had provided me with a publisher, then I found that I would have to pay them to publish me.
The hope is this and it is real. God was telling me not to give up. God was telling me to continue to believe. God was clearly saying hang on.
I think faith is just that, hanging on. Yesterday I challenged the devil to call God into the devils heart. Today the devil took advantage of my weakness and need to send me on a rollercoaster of emotion.
In the end, after the human reaction, after the emotion; I turned once more to my Lord.
That is the answer. Turn to the Lord. Expect a miracle and one will be forthcoming. My miracle must be getting very close now because the devil is taking much interest in me. That's ok, Mr. Devil you can win any number of small battles with me. Hey I fall as easy and as often as ever there was a sinner. I am ashamed and sorry about this. But know this, I have been claimed by Jesus Christ. I guess the correct way to say that would be like this. The loving Lord Creator God has claimed me for his own. In accordance with Jesus' teaching in John chapter 6, verse 37, the loving Lord God has sent me to his son my savior, Jesus the Christ. Once so claimed I am forever his. Verse 39 of John chapter 6 is my proof positive that I am never going to be lost to my God. I am his and nothing can change that.
You know I knew this inside of my self without even having it in scripture. God had revealed this to me. Having such proof in scripture, having my Jesus' words in written form is a separate and great blessing and gift.
Thank you Lord for my gift today. I was not rejected and you hold out hope to me. I expect my miracle and I expect it soon.
O Lord my God, how I cling to you. How I love you and how very much I am glad you have claimed me.
Praise and glory to you Lord Jesus Christ. Praise and glory to you Lord God, father, son, and spirit one.
If you are lost and there is no dope, look within yourself and find the God of eternal hope and love that forever dwells there!