'Bill Drammond is a cultural magician, and

IT'S SHIT

Mick Houghton read what I wrote.

I value his opinion.

He reckoned

I should qualify my glib dismissals

Of various Bunnymen recordings.

I re-read

And thought, 'If you think a record is shit

It's shit.

And everybody knows what you mean.'

Then I thought,

'Maybe it's only shit compared to

What I wanted it to be like

In my head.'

Then I thought,

'No. It's shit full stop.'

Mick also said,

'You need to fill in some

Biographical details

About the numerous characters

You mention in passing.

Contextualise them.'

I sort of agreed

And wrote this:

CHUNKY THIGHS

Julian Cope (circa '78)	Headboy good looks. Middle class, confident, but dickhead factor still intact. Favourite word - 'seminal'.
Ian McCulloch (circa '78)	Unable to recognise his own mother without his blue-tinted aviator specs with one arm missing. Council-estate-bedroom boy dreamer with strong premonitional vibe about future star status. Favourite observation - 'chunky thighs'.
Will Sergeant (circa '78)	Short-order chef with black moods and beautiful eyes. Favourite Stone - Brian Jones.
Les Pattinsön (circa '78)	Boat builder, van driver. Man of dreams. Specialist subject - weird '60s TV programmes.
Alan Gill (circa '70)	Only unpermed Scouser brave enough to sport a muzzi in 1978 and still be hip. Later taught Julian Cope to smoke dope. Favourite command - 'Skin up la.'
Gary Dwyer (circa '81)	Evertonian. Six foot four. Ex-Big In Japan roadie. Stage names: Rocky and Buff Manila. Most likely to say – Tuck off, Balfey.'
Charles Alexander {circa '76)	Southern public-schoolboy-type but good sort. Always pleased to see you. Articulate. Hugh Grant good looks but with fuller figure. Where are you now, Charles?
Smelly Elly	No further information available.
Dave Balfe	David Ian William Miguel Balfe, but Balfey to the world. First male in Liverpool to wear leather trousers. Created Blur then bought a big house, a very big house in the country. Damon doesn't like him. I do. Favourite pastime - winning.
Pete Wylie	Spokesman, not for a generation but for mankind. When the mood takes him, the second-greatest songwriter from Liverpool. Ever! Favourite position - on the stairs.
Seymour Stein	Everything you want from a fat Jewish New York record man. Wit, genius, magnanimity and a close acquaintance with everybody who's made a great record. Signed Madonna. Bad habits - signing pretty boys.
Tony Wilson	Mr Granada Land. The man on the telly. The most articulate man in the north. Without him things would be different. His favourite weakness - vanity.
Alan Hörne	The boss of Postcard Records, Glasgow. 'The Sound of Young Scotland' circa 1981.
Peter De Freitas	From certain angles he could be mistaken for a duck. A perfect body and a perfect way to die.
Bob Last {circa '78)	The man from Fast, Edinburgh. The sound of serious young men. The definer of Post Punk.
Rob Dickins	Became MD of Warner Brothers Music aged twenty-four. Twenty years later he was the boss of the British music industry. A man who has never felt the need for doubt. Born to charm. Born to win. He does both.
Budgie	Born to drum. The Spitfire Boys, Nova Mob, Big In Japan, The Slits, Siouxsie and the Banshees. Girls like him. So do boys.
Ian Broudie	Guitarist with Big In Japan '77-'78. 'A spotty, four-eyed yid with an attitude problem' and composer of England's National Anthem, 'Three Lions'. From King Bird to Lightning Seed.
Brian Griffin	A photographer and film-maker who understands power, speaks with Brum blur (sic) touched with a Welsh lilt. Makes very expensive TV commercials. Wins awards.
Mick Houghton	Cricket, Billy Fury, The Beach Boys, The Grateful Dead, Raymond Chandler and cricket. Favourite thought - 'The Ashes coming home'.
Bill Butt	Looks like a film-maker. Is a film-maker. Born to sell salads on Northampton market. Understands women.
Hugh Jones	Journeyman in the best sense. Produced the summer record of '96, Dodgy's 'Good Enough'.
Courtney	She will go to the ball. She will win an Oscar. She will not be Yoko Ono for Generation X. And Hole is an even better name for a band than The Slits.
Roger Eagle	Towering and glowering. The man who invented the concept of Northern Soul. The third-greatest visionary in Rock 'n' Roll. Anyone from my generation out of Liverpool who ever made a record is eternally in his debt - or can blame him for the mess we have made of our lives.
Peter O'Hallaghan	Mystic, Guru, Scouser, Poet. Still pushing.
Karl Gustav Jung	As the Everlys said, 'Dream, Dream, Dream', and he did. And we are grateful, especially those young folk on their voyage of discovery. Dead.