Corporate America

Latter-day Saints. I thought there were only 12 millions of them in this world, I meet them everywhere, I guess they are perhaps 1 billion altogether.
He showed me his wall, almost as if to prove that he is a good Mormon. Posters of Temple, the latest prophet (and dear me, I knew his name, and the names of the two disciples appearing in the photo, how sad of me, though he was quite impressed). And then I went back to my flat and took out the Book of Mormon and al the pamphlets I have. I sure think he believes I would be easily converted. For the first time in eight months he asked me to sit down, after I told him that I was not on LSD and I was not a LDS. I could not imagine a worst night, so I politely declined. Without thinking, I asked him if he was paying his tilthing, 10% of all he makes with his pension, before tax. He was too quick to say yes, and it sounded as if I was testing his faith, and I regret. What I really wanted to tell him was that he should stop paying now, even the big ones in Utah don’t pay it anymore. Only 20% of the Mormons in Utah pay their tilthing, and with that money, I almost told him, their buying shopping centers. But I stop short of insulting the old man. And now, he certainly sees me in a different light. Of course, he showed me photos of his girlfriend, and asked me if I had one. The poor guy has certainly not been spying on me, he would know by now that I am the biggest Queen alive, well, sort of. I bet he would not speak to me after knowing that this British guy who was here, and he asked again tonight what was happening with Stephen, was in fact my long time boyfriend.
And for some weird reason, I think the Black man at work is a Mormon. Today when I was saying that I had visited the Temple and was ready to sign up to become a Mormon (of course as a joke, of course made ironically without anyone suspecting), I watched his reaction. He knew all about the other Mormons, the polygamists, the prophet being tracked down by the FBI. I suspect he wanted to say more, that this had nothing to do with the HQ of the Mormons in Salt Lake City, he did not get the chance to say more. If he is a Mormon, we certainly have every single religion represented in this office. Though I could be the only Catholic, from what I could gather. Nothing that original, however, it could mean that I am the one who is the most free to think than that lot. Because say what you want, being a Catholic today, is not that frightening. No dedication required, no money to be paid, no one overseeing everything you do or say in your life. Unless of course you make it your life ambition to go to Church, get the ear of your priest and get involved in the community. Which I will never do. It is like the Army, just have to announce that I’m gay, and I am automatically disqualified, rejected, excommunicated. Great! I would not have it any other way anyway.
Now, if I ever need help, I just have to go next door, bring my book of Mormon, pretend I want to join in, talk all night about Moroni and Joseph Smith, play the guilty card (have you paid your tilthing? When is it last time you went to the Temple, are you worthy of entering it?) and then, ask for money. I would never do that, but I have to admit that it crossed my mind. If people are stupid enough to be Mormons, then they should be ready to be exploited and taken advantage of, since this is the scheme of the Mormons Church and any Church anyway. I have learned on the Net that they are easy targets for con men, because they can easily believe any kind of crap on faith alone. And not much is required to convince them that they are bad Mormons and we might just send them a few Mormons agents their way, and then they will be judged, condemned on appearance alone, and therefore, not worthy of entering the Big Temple in Beverly Hills on Santa Monica Boulevard. And I have seen that Temple, and he almost took the map out to show me where it was, when I told him that I had seen it, perhaps the only thing I actually saw since my arrival in Los Angeles. Since I haven’t gone anywhere else in months.
And that was my exciting news for tonight, for the week, for the month. Wild coincidences. Happening with what seems to be without purpose, but could lead somewhere eventually, if I let it develop, that is, which I have no intention of doing. For now anyway. Not sure where that could lead, not sure if I want to find out.
I just once again finished my last book, the dark poetry one. The one that I was not supposed to write, the one that took me a while to start since I’ve arrived in L.A., but in the end, it was a necessity for me to write it. The first ending alienated just about every single American who read it. I was so upset by the instant reaction and feedback I got (for once that I actually got an instant and unanimous feedback!), that I did not even have the courage to read it! I just knew that I went too far, and I tasted what it was like to self-destruct myself.
So I immediately took it offline. And I finally wrote another ending tonight. One that I can be really be proud of. I’m impressed that this whole episode was not for nothing. Because now it can mean many things, in many directions, from many different interpretations. Before it was clear what I was saying, too clear, it alienated the whole planet.
I did not know I had it in me to be able to achieve such a thing, but I did. It was instant rejection, death threats and everything. Wonderful! I finally was able to create some sort of impact, get some sort of feedback, create a reaction of any kind.
Sad I had to go so far though, to get that result. And sad that I almost immediately took it offline. However, it has been online one day, so I’m not worried. It has now become some sort of literary event, the visitor counter went off the scale, even if it lasted for only one day, all that was required to create an absolute panic all over the place.
These people who never heard of me before, never took the time to read another text of mine, who suddenly were confronted with that one page I wrote the night before, whilst I was completely drunk, and suddenly felt the need to shut me up, to destroy me. It was madness!
I can laugh about it now, but it freaked me out for over two weeks, even when I was in Salt Lake City, where logically I should have disconnected from it all at that point. All I wanted was to lose myself in a Sherlock Holmes novel, and never resurfaced, where it is safe and not threatening.
I can now put that behind me, I am not going to be wiped out from this world, the government is not going to send its squads to kill me just yet, as it is offline. For one second there, I really thought that this was it, I would immediately be kicked out of America within minutes. No need for the FBI or the CIA, everyone was willing to volunteer to eradicate me from this planet! And it is nice to think that I was able to write something so flammable and explosive. I’ve been trying for years, and it never had any impact whatsoever. I was obviously not read, in the English world anyway. But now, my God, I can have quite an impact, and I’ve got to be careful about it. It works wonder! I can destroy myself within seconds.
It is only because I am still nobody that I could delete it without consequence. If I had been known in the English world already, it would be all over for me now. They would be burning my books right now. I have learnt a valuable lesson, there’s no need to be too extreme, you can only alienate everyone, against you. Got to be just extreme enough to still be part of the mainstream. And you might not realize it, but this is far more reaching and damageable than being completely out of your mind and out of this world. It is after all with a whisper and not a shout that you can reach this world.
What does that really means? God knows, but I know I cannot be too extreme, that is all. Or else, people just shut down, and they do not hear anything anymore. So stating the truth directly is not the solution, it’s got to be done indirectly, talking perhaps about something completely off mark, and then hope that they will make the link with who they are and what they are doing.
Letters to Persians. We have not changed centuries later, there is still no freedom of speech, we have to speak indirectly, still today, and I’m afraid, it might still be true tomorrow. Alienating the whole world is simply not an option, I’m afraid. Words, literature can still have quite an impact. Beyond any dreams. Just have to go overboard once to understand that. And as I said before, I might have made that mistake many times over, and will only find out much later, once what I have written gets more widespread.
I never cared before, because I never thought it would be more widespread, but I should brace myself, it could happen overnight, and I would be in deep trouble. Might have to change my name, start a new life somewhere as a nobody.
Might have been talking forcefully for some parts of this world, at the cost of alienating other parts, in which I will no longer be welcome. I was never anyway, without any kind of reputation, so it should not really matter. But still. With a reputation, then it is clearly closed, unwanted, unwelcome, get lost! If your plane happens to crash in the Pacific ocean, that would be fine, we don’t want you here! Small minded people.
Is it not just literature after all? In my case it has been so meaningless for so long, why should it change now? Why would suddenly people want to wish my death? Small minded world.
14 May 2006
At work my bosses were more worried about if I were to leave, and she caught with me the minute I left. She was able to because I took the time to say have a good weekend, when really I could have just got out without saying goodbye. She made a point to tell me that they did not charge me the $500 to fix their car that I stupidly reversed into a pole, saying that they wanted me to enjoy L.A., and not have to worry about money. It is gracious of them in a way, but how bad would it have looked if they had charged me for it. Ultimately I have to admit, that my bosses are not that bad, they are correct people, it is all down to their managers and directors if life has become untenable lately in the office. I don’t know however what goes on in their meetings, and what comes from them or the directors and managers.
She asked me how I was doing, and I had to lie. I told her that she did not have to worry about me, that I was fine, in my little routine, writing and stuff, and that as long as the Chinese Girl and the Director understood that I am working as fast and as much as I could, and give me more time (and less shit) to do my job, everything would be fine. I told her that I was working from the minute I came in to the minute I left, and that doing anything for the first time took time, but the second time around I must have beaten some records of rapidity. I must have reassured her, and now once again I feel guilt because I will be leaving now, one way or the other. Our little chat might have won her another week, because I won’t have the courage to announce it to them next week, might wait until the end of the month instead.
And something else to report from yesterday, about the Mormon next door. He knocked on my door as early as 9 am, inviting me to go to the church, can you believe? And to get involved in their Mormon community, and what else. He suggested sending me some missionaries to learn more about it, made a point to say that the polygamists ones were not linked to the their Church, and that now they were accepting Black people, which they not for a long time, perhaps even until a few decades ago (probably a long time off from accepting gay people I would say). A very discriminating Church, I have to say, with women worth almost nothing and men being the king of their kingdom. Just like in every religion on the planet. If I had been a woman, my God, I would have written three times more, to denounce all the unfairness of this world. I can’t even believe why and how it took so long for women to finally see more clearly and fight for their rights to anything, especially in religion where they are still far off.
So, why is it so important to Mormons to recruit new people? Have they been trained to spot any weak mind and jump on them at the very second there could a chance? Calling headquarters to send me almost what it felt like their police to assess me, convince me, take me away, brainwash me, and finally ask for my tithing, a big chunk of my salary?
My only defense, and I never thought that one day it would be my salvation, I told him that I was Catholic. He said, oh, that is a hard one to leave, to move into a new Church. And I thought, why, have you tried a lot of converting other people, and with Catholics it fails? Is it easier with Protestants? And I supposed that with the Jewish faith, it is nearly impossible to convert them? Maybe I should have told him I was Jewish, then he would have understood that there was no way ever that I would join his Church, and he would have left me alone. Catholic might not convince him, we both have the Old and New Testament as our basis.
He knocked on my door again that day, but I did not answer. Once was enough. He invited me in, insisted many times that we went to the Church together, that he had a car (her has a car?), a big Jeep 4X4, completely new, waiting in the car park to bring me to heaven. Where does he get his money? How did he managed such a god pension? I can’t even afford a new car whilst working full time, how could I ever in retirement buy one? Anyway, he was ready to give me everything if I were to join his Church, helping me as much as he could, and the price was just too much to pay, I had to say no, thank you, and leave me alone! I’d rather die alone on the street with nothing than become a Mormon or join any Church. He told me that he became a Mormon because he was miraculously cured by one of them when he was 10 years old. And said that his faith became more important and official after he survived World War Two and the Korean War. I almost asked him how many people died from his own hand in those two wars, I did not, but then I assumed that it was ugly, when he mentioned that when it was over, he felt shame for what he had done. And I understood that if there is a heaven, whether I am gay or not, whether I join a Church or not, whether I pray or not, I am purer than he is, I never killed anyone, I will go to heaven, he will go to hell.
I have been trying to reach Stephen all weekend, and before that since I arrived from Salt Lake City. Four days. Last time he did a trick like that, he said he simply was not answering the phone, from fears that it would be whoever or whatever. Maybe this is the same this time, however, he could have called me, he must have known I would try, we talk each weekend. Again I’m worried that he found a new boyfriend, but it seems a bit much that he would spend all his time there. Or that if the other guy was at our place, that he would not pick up the phone. So perhaps he did an overdose and he is dead? That’s all I would need right now, to throw me into a permanent existential crisis that I’ve been trying to escape since I was born. And we already know the Mormons are not the solution.
It is Sunday again, and I am freaked out again. Not sure why. I think now that even being with the Spanish Boy is simply too much. That’s one more element I cannot stand anymore. Including both my bosses there in that same office. Since she talked to me, I live in fears. Going in the office in the morning is now such a torment, they really succeeded in screwing up my mind.
Where is Stephen? Why does he not pick up the phone?
15 May 2006
Stephen finally called me this morning. If I was paranoid, I would say it was convenient indeed that his phone was reconnected five minutes before the time I get up to go to work. Some children apparently destroyed a box exchange, and he was without a phone for a week at least.
He still has not found a job, and obviously his situation has gone from bad to worse. And so, I still cannot go back to England, and might be here for much longer. And I’m going back to morning to face that Chinese Girl coming back from Japan, and God knows in what mood she will be in.
God, what am I gonna do? Can I just sail through all this, survive this indefinitely? Will something happen to save me now? Anything?
16 May 2006
Yesterday une carte de mode (fashion card?) entered the office. He fitted exactly the profile of the young successful American freshly out of the University in which every big CEOs hover over believing they will turn them into the best slaves they ever got, baving in their office over what miracles they might accomplish.
The young man was so perfect, he could be one of those actors in those cheap series on TV. Slim, tall, blond, perfect jaw, expensive little SUV, a model I had never seen, wearing jeans at his interview, and yet, looked the part entirely. He was offered a high position in marketing and if he accepts the job offer, will sit next to me whenever he starts.
Now, that is very funny, because every time they had in interviews what we could call the image type of the professional American who could easily sell you a house in the middle of nowhere, because you only feel like dropping at their feet as you know they must be honest and beyond intelligence, compared with the rest of the population, they always either refuse the job or leave soon after. Indeed, they’re the intelligent ones. They don’t waste time where they know there will be trouble, they seem to be able to smell a bad place, not because of the bosses, but because of management. And yet, that one did not even meet the management, and our new desks and space could somehow make him think that this might be a professional and young company on its way to great success, perfect for a fresh career. And yet, I think he will refuse the position, he looks way too normal. And this is when I realized that we’re all misfits in there, and you know what? I am too, I fit perfectly with the misfits. None of us look the part, look like him.
Apparently he’s got an accent, for a moment there the Admin Director thought he was French, then from his name she thought he was German, and now we know he’s from Israel. Isn’t that weird? For someone who looks so much like the biggest American stereotype portrayed by Hollywood? But yeah, a lot of people we see on TV are Jewish, so I guess it is normal if he fits the bill.
One look at him, and I thought it would be nice if he were to start working with us, sitting next to me. Not because I think he could be gay, I am quite certain he is straight, perhaps even married, otherwise, someone like that must have a girlfriend, he’s got success written all over his pretty face. I thought it would be nice because he looks normal, and hence, how could he be unfair, petty, jealous, small minded, wasting time with futilities and backstabbing? I’m hoping he will bring some sort of balance in the office, stop the others in their tracks, the one no longer with their feet on the ground. However they probably will try to destroy him in no time, and he will most certainly leave at the first opportunity. There’s a chance though, working in marketing, he probably won’t have to answer to any of the management, he might have an easier ride than the rest of us, mere mortals at the bottom of the hierarchy.
Am I going to finally have some sanity in this office? I could be mistaken, but I don’t so, I am a good judge of character, and that is why I know he won’t accept the job. Unless somehow they made it clear at the interview that the bosses are Jewish, which I’m sure they did, and so, he might feel this is a safe job after all. From his point of view, a nice Jewish and successful business, might be hard to resist. The problem is that the rest of the office is far from being Jewish, we’ve got just about every ethnicity, every religion, and many hippies. Heek! Let me out of here!
I thought this book was finished, I thought I was already out of here, and yet, I’m going to witness a new change in the structure. I understood speaking with Stephen that I am in an even worst position now to go back to London than I was two months ago. He’s sinking more and more, and therefore, I cannot quit my job. I could be here a long time indeed. And as long as the Director and the Chinese Girl leave me alone, it is okay, it is acceptable, it is bearable. Just have to do my job, as quickly as I can, and I should be fine.
My enemy now is the Sun, as it is so hot in here, cycling to work is not exactly a good idea, even if the price of petrol has gone so high recently, that I’m glad I don’t have to worry about that. My Mormon neighbor has stopped using his car, too expensive, must be counting his pennies then, better stop paying the tilthing then.
If I were stuck here for many more months, I think I would have accepted his offer to bring me to the Church, get mixed in their community, pretend that I am a Mormon pure and hard, read the damn book, and impress them all. I could be the best extremist Mormon they would have ever seen. I would have had to pay the tilthing to be more convincing, but I would have there a great book to write, perhaps two, most likely. Oh, and turn straight I guess, also a requirement, and make my websites disappear, also not acceptable. Hey, that’s not a crazy idea! If I were rich, capable of sustaining myself with my writing career, I might consider it, right now this is just impossible. Maybe later on in my life.
Might be better though to infiltrate some Catholic or Protestant sects, who cares about the Mormons these days, their shortcomings are all over the news, we all know they’re corrupt to the limits. So you need to be pretty blind to still be part of that Church. Or like my neighbor, a Mormon needs to have save some little health impediment you had which most likely would have corrected itself on its own. You have to admit, it is quite extraordinary that so many people believe in a God or another, without any kind of proof whatsoever, and base their life changing decisions on that. The ultimate control of humanity, a great success story achieved through fear of whatever, and what else. God for the weak minds, the lost ones, in need of a little bit of help to get back on their feet, religion and abuse for the weakest ones. Better be strong, feel the confidence building inside of me, they can smell misery miles away, and will never fail to take advantage of it.
A new book just came out in France, called Gay Vinci Code, a parody of Da Vinci Code. I jumped on it with my two hands, telling the author I would like to translate it in English, never mind that my English is very bad, they might not find out before I do it. How much time would that require? 220 pages. I could write three books instead. Somehow I have convinced myself that this could be huge, and that I wanted to be part of it.
The author appears all impressed that I am in Los Angeles. His eyes must have gone out of its orbits, thinking there for a second that his book could be turned into a movie. He simply said: what a chance! History is a myth, no? Did not know exactly what he meant by that. Perhaps that everything we may think that Hollywood is all about, when you get there, turns instead into the biggest nightmare you have ever lived. Perhaps, I have no idea. It made me think that I also thought that whatever I thought L.A. was about, actually exists, but that I have no access to any of it. Now that I think back, I am here, I have not witnessed any of it, so perhaps it does not exist after all?
And now I’m going to speak about a painful subject. The fat and rejected Jewish boy at work. The total opposite of the other one who might start to work soon. Let’s just start by saying that he looks weird, as I’m sure I mentioned before. We could think that it was because he was Jewish, but we know now that it has nothing to do with it. It is just that he is like that, poor soul, and does not help himself in the process, convinced that he is in the only lane he will ever be able to be in, and so he is trying to convince everyone that he is somehow a marginal and that he’s worth something for it.