Corporate America

I did not have to tell Isabella that I found their voice annoying, that’s the first thing she said. And she even does a great imitation of the valley girl. Isabella did say that the valley girl could be helpful at times, and very nice, and this is also true, I have to admit. She just appears to be incapable of thinking before she speaks, it comes out naturally automatically, and sometimes she can be very rude or insulting. I’m glad I’m not under her, I would have been sacked by now.
One more thing, the lost of our salesman had a horrific effect on all of us. We have all been promoted to salesmen as well. Now I will have to sell sponsorship deals and exhibitor’s space. Something I am certainly not enjoying. Cold calling, asking for money, being hung up on the phone. Not counting how long that will take, considering what we already have to do to finish these conferences in no time.
The one positive thing about this is that I will finally learn the only thing I had not learned in my 10 years in conferences. Sales of SPEX. After that I would guess that I will not be afraid to pick up the phone and ask for money. I might learn a thing or two that will be useful for my future company.
And obviously, all that news today made me want to go home and work on my own business. The only thing that stopped me is Stephen, saying that neither of us will be able to get the money to start that business. Me because of my so-called bankruptcy, and him because, if he puts the apartment for collateral, his parents will never forgive him and will disinherit him. Not counting that his mother had enough of me, and would probably hope by now that I will remain here and Stephen in London.
I have been there before, my first boyfriend and his mother, freaking out when I left for Paris and brought along her son to Paris and London. Her wish was realized, our relationship was over before we came back. But she regretted, me no longer being here. Sebastian slept with something like 50 people and was still depressed, and then met a drug addict that made is life a misery for two years, before finally getting back to normal with someone who looked just like me.
What Stephen’s mother does not know, is that if our relationship ends, Stephen will die of an overdose. And without me in his life for the past 11 years, he would certainly be dead by now. I should have told her that before I left. As it stands, I was hiding in the toilets when she last visited, I could not confront her. I wanted to say goodbye, but she left too quickly. And Stephen was not pleased about that.
I will still do my business plan, you never know.
29 January 2006 (2)
One cousin in prison, the other in hospital
My mom just called, my cousin is in prison and my other cousin is in hospital, she almost died. One of the other passengers who were in the car accident has many broken things, and the other one, as my cousin who is now in prison, have nothing.
Apparently there was ice on the road. It is so common these car accidents in my region in the North of Québec, it is amazing that we are still all alive today. I myself had quite an accident once, and I thought I was going to die.
What is less usual, well not exactly, but my cousin was three or four times over the alcohol limit, and everyone else in the car were also completely drunk and were only 15 years old.
I then called my sister, who will have her new baby in less than 11 days. She was so hyperactive, in the end she hung up the phone on me, despite the fact that I was quite laid back. I could not believe it. I then called my father, but he was not there. I spoke with his wife, and she said that with pregnant women, it was normal to be freaked out for no reason. She said to call my sister one week after she had her baby to congratulate her, and everything will be forgotten.
Perhaps, but I call my sister once every six months, if she is lucky. I must have called her less than 10 times in the last 15 years. I can assure you that it will be a very long time before I call her again. Even if we love each other very much and are usually very close.
All of this was quite a shock, but I am watching Ship in a Bottle now, Star Trek the Next Generation, the episode about Sherlock Holmes and James Moriarty. I thought how great an actor Daniel Davis is, and how perfect he would be in the film script I am working on. And then I did a little bit of research and realized that he was in the TV series The Nanny. I wonder if he could still be the right actor now, if he is going to be recognized as that butler. I would certainly hire him if I could, and if this film is ever made.
So sad that my cousin is in prison now, and the other one is dying in the hospital. My mom was saying that a lot can happen in one day, even in one hour. She is certainly right there. And yet, nothing has happened in my life in the last three months. It is just as well, the only big life changing events that happen overnight, are usually the most destructive ones. The productive events in your life seem to take months if not years to come to any conclusion.
30 January 2006 (2)
The Cool Spanish Guy I am working with, a Metrosexual?
And after all this, which was just an appetizer, let me talk about that little Hispanic guy at work. The cool Spanish guy, as described before. I think I have been flirting a bit too much with him, only because he let it happen. So how straight is he then? Today I had to fight Isabella twice, she was suggesting out loud that I was interested in him. I had to hit her a bit and call her some names out loud. Hopefully she will calm down.
Well, at least now the cool Spanish guy knows I am interested. It is most probably a tired long running joke in my back at work that I fancy him. I even think that the Director is involved, as at one point some days ago he said that he needed some sunlight, and he went to the Spanish guy and acted weird. As if the Spanish guy was some sort of illumination or positive force. And somehow, I feel this is all down to the fact that I feel it could be that way, and everyone knows.
I certainly like to look at him, he is the only thing that makes this whole job bearable. He usually wears sandals, he has big feet, and a nice face. He seems so pure and innocent, and childish, despite his 28 years. As I said before, there is nothing threatening in his eyes, he is totally genuine. And intelligent and quick. He comes to me to correct his English, can you believe, when his English must be twice better than mine.
I can just imagine what it would be like to be in his arms for one long big night. The Earth will stop turning, that’s for sure. Love would be written all over this special event. But before I get carried away, he is most probably straight, even if I have my doubts.
First he is too comfortable with my flirting, he had girlfriends before, and apparently he had a date last week with one of them. That does not look like someone incapable of accepting his homosexuality, it sounds more like a Metrosexual. Someone who is comfortable with the thought that men could be attracted to them, but ultimately would never go any further than flirting on the edge.
So I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t want either to become the clown of the office, by going for a lunch with him, whilst the only purpose would be to get back to the office to tell everyone whatever I might have implied.
He took two photos of me today, why? What was the purpose of this? Again, I am reading too much into this. It means nothing. But his interest in me seems to have gone higher since I started to wear my black jeans, and black polo shirts, and especially my black shoes. He seemed to think that I can be cool as well. And what he does not know, is that I am light years more cool than he is, so I think anyway.
He is 28 years old, he has nothing to show for it. He is definitely two dimensional. I think I have lived enough on this earth, and in so many countries, and written so much, that I am living in at least 10 dimensions.
Which means that I will have much more to give to him than he will ever have to give back in return. It would most likely be a one way relationship, I will give, he will take. This is how empty I see him. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. A man who’s only friends are the three insignificant girls surrounding me, cannot be that cool. Unless somehow these girls were more specials than I first assessed. Which I doubt very much.
The truth is that he could enjoy this flirtation for months, when I would actually act upon it. That makes a big difference. It means that he is someone who’s not mature enough, despite his 28 years. Nothing will ever happen between us, I know that. It is a game for him. And I play it because I’m so bored in that office.
The difference is, that if he is gay at all, he’s lost. He will definitely fall in love with me as if he had never lived before, a bit like Leonardo, even though Leonardo is much more complex and had some sort of background. And it would not be certain that I will fall in love with him. Though he is so charming and cute, it would be very difficult to resist.
But one thing that being older and mature bring, is that I can stop myself from loving someone. I can understand that it will lead to disaster before it even begins. The head is controlling the body, not the other way around. It may be sad, but this is where I am at in my life.
I have a life, I have a destiny. It spawns many lifetimes, many relationships, many countries. I am going somewhere and nothing will get in the way of that destiny. I might not know where I am going, but I don’t care. I know what I want, I know what’s good for me. I know where I will be in five years time, because it will be exactly where I want to be.
He’s got no clue of who he is and what he represents. He does not even believe he has any kind of potential. I don’t even think he has any dream or goals in life. I asked him if he could write conference programs, for a report I was writing, suggesting that he should, instead of being the slave of that Chinese girl. He interpreted it as if I did not believe he could. He felt the need to prove to me that he was capable, saying that I doubted he was even intelligent. How cool is that, I ask you?
I had to tell him that I sincerely thought he could be responsible for his own conferences, and get rid of being a slave, an assistant. I don’t think it registered in his brain what I was talking about. He has no idea that I am writing reports for the bosses, on how this whole company should be. I can’t tell them either. The bosses have hired these expensive consultants to change it all, and in the end they will all agree that my suggestions are the way to go. Because I have seen the perfect way to achieve what they are trying to achieve, in many companies I worked for before.
They are not asking for my reports, I write them on my spare time. They obviously did not trust my judgment, my experience. They need to pay big money to have it confirmed to them. I don’t mind, I am beyond caring, since my single idea is to get out of this job. And yet, everything I have written in my reports so far, seems to have been observed. Even before I started. I am only realizing now that they have changed a lot before I arrived, based on my reports.
And now they are addicted, they want more from professional sources. Without understanding that it could only come from someone with the specific experience that they are in. They were not crazy when they decided to get me there in the first place. They knew I could help them change, the way they wanted. They are just incapable of admitting great work when it is there, something echoed by my Valley Girl.
Sad that I will have left them by the time they realize what they had. Sad that they will be powerless to prevent me from leaving when I do, as at that point they would want to say how helpful I have been, and how all my reports were on the dot and will lead to happiness and success. It will be too late then. I did not feel appreciated, I was pressured, I was pushed out. I am leaving with a smile on my face, feeling liberated from that nightmare.
I don’t even think that in the next two months they will be able to change my mind, that place is not a nice place to work. If people maintained themselves for so long, it must be out of necessity, good paying jobs they could not so easily abandon from fears of looking like useless people to the people they’re living with. And a lack of guts to get out there and find a better job.
These small minded people make me sick. I would have thought to meet them in Arkansas or Oklahoma, not in Los Angeles.
1 February 2006
Like a young actor who has not made it yet in Hollywood
Oh, what a day. Nothing of any significance happened, and yet I am dead. I spent last night helping Leonardo, my new friend in L.A., figuring out his piano (for god’s sake, he has that piano since 1997, and he still knows nothing about it). After that I helped him sending me the film script we are working on, even though he does that almost every day, 24 hours is enough for him to forget how to do this. And then I tried to help him sort out his antivirus. By the time we had finished, it was past 1 am.
I took two hours for lunch, but I still managed to work 30 minutes more tonight, to send many emails that should have been sent days ago. So it looks good.
I also got the chance to ask the Spanish guy, who has been flirting with me for weeks now, if he was gay or not. He said that he is as straight as they come. I find that hard to believe, however I believe it. So that is at least sorted.
The last two days he came at work dressing like some sort of young actor who has not made it yet. Funky, shorts, bubble hat, whatever. I asked him if he had a date or if it was for us that he decided to dress like that. For us apparently. And the Valley Girl had another one of her comments to make, she asked: what have you decided to wear today? Ah, you’re wearing everything!
He knows he is kind of cute, and he will take any flirting from anyone, even men. At the same time, the guy is fatter than me, so he can’t brag too much! Well, I’m not that fat, and he is not either, so he still has his sex appeal.
Today he referred again to the fact that he knew everything about me, that everyone knew. As if somehow they were aware of my blog and were all reading it. It made me freak out. I probed him, and he mentioned the word blog, about other of my readers having blogs about me (I did show him I think some people blogging about my books in Paris).
I think he realized he said too much and at that point he would have had to tell me that they were all reading my blog at work. At that moment, I would have deleted it. So he concocted that other excuse, that he was talking about others talking about me.
I believe he might have been talking about what the Black guy can read in the files I am sending myself home sometimes. That’s also possible. God knows.
Well, if they are all reading this blog, let’s give them something to chew on. All the girls at work are quite fat, and they are all buzzing around him, probably in love, but he is not interested. Yet, he loves the attention, he needs them to feel better about himself. And now he is exercising to lose weight. I wonder why, something must have changed, perhaps he is interested in someone after all, but not me, that’s for sure.
The only girls who are not fat in the office are the two Chinese girls and the wife of my boss. One of the Chinese girls is so annoying and rude, it does not really matter if she is not fat, she kinds of cancel the fact that she is not fat by her behavior.
The other one is so lovely, I could take her as my wife quite easily. At least she could become a friend, but I just don’t know how to make friends anymore, especially in a work environment. Anyway, I don’t have enough time for friends. Leonardo is already stretching me to the limits. And I have to remind him when it is just too much.
Oh God, I’m bored, I’m sick, I have to go to bed, it is merely 8 pm. I only live to work, I don’t write, I don’t read, I had only a beer, and a full plate of god knows what, thinking it would make me feel better, but now I’m ready to puke everywhere. What a sad unproductive life. Please someone just shoot me in the head!
I don’t even look forward to the weekend. I used to be so excited to regain my freedom, but my weekends are so boring, they have become as routine as my daily job in conferences.
Something has got to happen soon, before they find me dead drunk in my flat, weighting over 15 stones. Because I would have eaten and drunk myself to death for leading such an uninspiring life.
Just shoot me.
2 February 2006
A big spamming machine, here are our brooochuuurres
Today lot’s of stress at work. I think the Spanish guy went around all the girls at work to let them know that I asked if he was gay yesterday, and obviously he is not. I think they all had a good laugh about it. I can’t blame them, life is so boring in this office at the moment, despite all the background action from all these consultants they hired.
Maybe something will happen to change it all, and somehow I don’t think it will be for the better. Change is seldom for the better, which is why following changes in any office, many people leave right after. Especially if they have been there for years and were used to do their job a certain way that worked for them.
Today, despite sleeping for 9 hours yesterday, I could not stand the Chinese girl speaking, to even hear her say the word Brooochuuure with her accent is just too much for me. So you can imagine I was not in the mood to listen to the valley girl either.
And I managed to insult her badly, as everyone else in the office. When I told them about Bush cutting 40 billions in the social services area, and wanting to make the Terror Laws (Patriot Act) permanent. When I understood that the valley girl found all that very much acceptable, I said no wonder this country is going down the drain. I did not really thought that, it was meant as some sort of joke, but obviously it came out as a huge insult to all the Americans in the office.
So there were tensions, after the valley girl said that she will not discuss these things at work. I did not even feel guilt for saying such a thing, I felt disgusted and tired of this life. I don’t know what else to invent to get back on the train, to be motivated to accomplish anything. I would need at least three days off, not a weekend. Two days is just enough to decompress me and then I have to go back to work.
Dear me, I have to go back to work. Sending emails and call people for money. A woman called this morning to let me know that we were sending them too many emails and broochuuuurres. Which reminds me, that is what I will create with my conference company, a big spamming machine that will bother everyone that will have the misfortune to end up in my database.
I refused to spam people about my literary website, and now I will have to do so for my company. This thought only came to me recently, and I don’t really like it. I’ll become one more big spammer on the net. I guess there are ways around this, that could make it a little bit more acceptable. Giving them the chance instantly to be out of my database, but will that be enough? I receive so much spam, if I were to want get out of all these databases it would be impossible. Especially that when you do request that, instead you confirm your email address and suddenly you are added to 20 more lists.
Real spammers have destroyed it for everyone. Not sure how I will live with all this, my conscience, bothering people, in the name of making a few bucks. Ah, if only I was selling such a great service that everyone would just flock to me. But that does not exist without great visibility. And that means marketing, telesales, publicity, other concepts I just hate and would gladly live without.
3 February 2006
Los Angeles is a paradise, like a virtual world in 3D
I don’t know what the temperature reached today in Woodland Hills in the San Fernando Valley, but it must have been 35 degree Celsius, something like 90 Fahrenheit. I slept only four hours last night and so I did not do anything today at work.
I left the office at 16h (4 pm) and I simply feel electrified. A surge of electron cloud bursts filling my body. I feel like I just got out of hibernation and I could scream and dance and sing all night long.
It is not a sexual burst, it is a creative Big Bang. I am ready to write some great stuff, accomplish something huge, anything. I even forgo doing my laundry, I am already on the beers, I have plugged myself onto the Eurhythmics Greatest Hits full blast, I am ready for all the inspiration in the world to fill me in.
It is not the choice that is lacking, I can work on my theoretical physics ideas, a new film script, my blog, even on the long overdue update of my websites. I could also work on my poetry like book that I started some time ago but kind of forgot in the last few weeks. Dear, I could even start writing a novel! Oh, I am even ready to work on my own conferences, my future company. But I’m afraid, I might already be too drunk to care about that.
Gosh, I need to plug the computer directly to my brain, maybe some of those IEEE 1394 cables would do the trick, it needs to be an instant transfer!
But the day did not start like that. For the first time ever this morning, I so not could stand hearing the voice of the Valley Girl in full bloom, that I had to leave the office at least three times. She was also feeling the burst from the Sun, she too did not do anything, she went from person to person and talked all day.
The Chinese girl gave me some looks that told me all, she really does not like me. She can’t even hide it, and there is nothing I can do about it. Yesterday she attacked me for the first time, saying that one of my jokes was not funny. She was defending the Valley Girl.
They are closer together than I thought, even if everything about their personality tells me they should clash like water and fire. They are essentially the only two Conference Managers, and what the Valley Girl worked on the previous years, the Chinese girl is now in charge of. They both feel ostracized by too much management over their head, and not enough control on anything they are working on.
And the Spanish guy who is just the assistant of the Chinese girl, appears to give himself more credit than he deserves. He calls his Manager’s conferences his. And he could almost be right there, since apart from writing the conference program, he did about just everything else. Which makes me wonder what is it exactly that the Chinese girl has done in those last five events they produced together.
Give me an assistant any day, and that’s it, I will never do anything again at work! I will simply make the hard decisions, the decisions I have made all my life whilst doing my conferences, and then tell someone else to do everything else.
Well, all that might change soon. My last report states quite clearly that assistants should be something from the past. They should produce their own events, including writing the programs. That would please the Spanish guy, he wants to own these conferences, he does not understand yet the hell that comes with that. I would not be surprised if he were to leave after three months, the time I guess it would take him to have to write three conference programs. Careful what you wish for, it is a bastard of a job.
I stopped myself from telling them to forget about the huge fairs they are organizing, because it monopolizes the Valley Girl and two assistants for over six months, so basically she can walk around doing nothing all day, and it seems completely acceptable.
I just love my little reports I have written for that company in Los Angeles. Twelve so far I believe. All very insightful of my deep and felt experience in the world of conferences. I could turn them into a book, for a very niche market. They are a piece of art now, and they had a measurable impact on that company, even if for a while I could not see that.