Corporate America

26 March 2006
It is Sunday night again, I am starting to feel the panic of going back to work. Fortunately I don’t feel it is as bad as it was last week, or the weeks before. I am beginning to have a radar capable of telling me when the next week is going to be a real nightmare, or just a normal week. It is true that before any terrible events at work, I felt it the night before, or on my way to work after lunch time, I have never been mistaken. Well, it is also true that usually they have a good reason to get me in the office, because of my past actions. However, it is definitely some sort of sixth sense, I can predict how they will be certain days or weeks, as if I knew my destiny, or that if nothing happened for quite a while, you can bet they finally reached some sort of plan to make it much worse, since this is all they appear capable of doing.
I did not go to work on Friday, I had three days off and I read Timeline of Michael Crichton. I thought it would help me evade my reality, but it did not work. Then I played Gabriel Knight 3, The Blood of the Sacred, which perhaps Dan Brown played before writing Da Vinci Code, since it is the exact same story. I thought walking around Rennes-Le-Château in the South of France, in the country of the Cathars and Merovingians, might definitely do the trick, and make me forget the hell I am in. I think it only reminded me how far I was from France, and how long it would be before I can go back there as a tourist, on the Canal du Midi, visiting Castelnaudary Castle.
Whatever I do, I can no longer escape my reality. In London on my way to work in the train, at lunch time, and sometimes on breaks, I would read Sherlock Holmes short stories, and it worked for a while. That’s how I survived my last job, which was also some sort of hell, but in retrospect, not as bad as it is now. That’s why nothing works anymore, everything here in Los Angeles reminds me of work, of the people I have to face everyday, all the problems and complications to come up with to make my life a misery. I don’t tomorrow will again be a day from hell, and there is nothing I can do about it. All I know is I don’t feel guilt for not showing up on Friday.
I just devised a plan, I need to get back the Spanish Guy on my side. I will go and apologize to him and get back on a friendly tone. I heard him complain on Friday, I believe, about the Chinese Girl, it seems that he turned against her, re-enforced by how I exploded in her face last Wednesday. I think he finally realized that the problem was not him, but her. And since we are three now against her, he seems to have taken the opportunity to empty his bag in front of the bosses. I may be dreaming all that, I’m not sure who he was talking about to the Black Guy. And I don’t know either what I will tell him when I will go and apologize to him for whatever it is that I said that freaked him out. Not hard to tell, I said something about the fact that he was gay, and the problem is, he is, but does not want to tell anyone. So somehow he had to stop me from convincing the whole office that he was. And now, how can I apologize to that? Especially when the Valley Girl in the background repeats that what I said was sexual harassment. God knows where she gets these ideas. More headaches.
Stephen in London is now convinced he will lose his job on Tuesday. Which does not help my case of going back to London to start our business. It should, but it does not, because his parents told him that he has to find a new job tomorrow morning in any shop, even MacDonald if necessary. Of course, he wants a driving job, but he will again lose his driving license soon, we don’t know when. So his whole life is in the air. And we don’t have the initial money we need to survive until the company makes money, even if the investment we need is minimal. I don’t know what we are going to do. I might very well stay another two months here, unsure if I will be able to survive it.
28 March 2006
Today I made peace with everyone at work. I sort of apologized publicly to the Spanish Boy, we appear to have resumed making fun of each other, without crossing the line this time. My strike of silence was only supposed to last a week, however he also went of strike and we have been a few weeks without talking to each other. We’re almost sitting next to each other, it has been very difficult. I’m glad I’m the one who took the initiative to correct this situation, even if really he is the one who backstabbed me to the bosses. I had however insulted him. So we were to both to blame I guess, now this is all behind. And Isabella is over happy about it, her two friends are friends again.
I also had some sort of normal conversation with the Chinese Girl, where I understood that every single word I shouted at her really had gone down into her psyche, and today she said that I would not have to work that hard in the future, that we’re almost finished with those two conferences, and everything will be fine. I guess the old trick worked, saying you do a lot of overtime, even you don’t, still works, they believe it. I have not done one minute of overtime since I have been transferred to her, in fact, I barely worked at all. Once I finish all that marketing crap, I will resume working as usual. Whenever you do something for the first time, and you’re not quite certain of what you are doing, it is very difficult to be motivated and to do it quickly. So now what I am doing from the beginning to the end, I sure will be able to do everything faster.
I also told her that I had said to the boss that I felt she was very efficient and good at what she does. Funny, I again saw on her face some weird expression that I never witness coming her before. Hopefully it won’t go to her head, but is it not extraordinary how the simple of compliment can go a long way to restoring your nightmare?
Even the Valley Girl has now calmed down and has become my ally. They continuously pick on her at the moment, every hour now she’s got some meeting where they tell her to do everything differently, and convince her that everything she does is wrong. Not surprising, she is so incompetent, compared with the Chinese Girl, I’m glad they finally figured that out. That huge Internet thingy she suggested will be a monumental flop. It will be so painful to see it crash, all that money down the drain. What were they thinking when they believed her when she came back one day after thinking for one long minute about it, telling them it was the next best thing? They’re trying to confirm someone from Google right now, none of them want to do it, and anyway, who would want to hear about Google? I can’t think of anything more boring.
She came back from a long meeting today where the Chinese Girl was in it, as the big overall Manager of the place, and she said at her desk afterwards that every single suggestions she made in that meeting, was rejected and ridiculed. She stated that she would need a whole bottle of Brandy tonight, and as some sort of complicity I said that I would also be drinking a lot tonight, as I have in the last few weeks.
My outburst last week against the Chinese Girl must have filled her with envy, I’m sure this is what she has been waiting to do herself, but cannot, or else she would not be there the next day. I exploded for all of them last week, also for the demoted Senior Manager, the Sweet Chinese Girl and the Spanish Guy. I might have alienated the whole management, but I certainly made a lot of new friends, who before that were lost to me.
A complicity with the Valley Girl is not easy, it comes at a price. She always feels the need to complain against management, and I don’t like to do that either at work or with colleagues. I am always very superficial in the office, making unrelated jokes on about everything, except work. Until my panic attack last week, none of them had any idea about how I really felt inside. That I was ready to explode for a long time. They thought I was the perfect sheep, in line, happy go lucky, peaceful, while I was dying inside. No wonder I can be so negative in my writings, it needs to come out somehow, otherwise I would have exploded the very first week and I would never have lasted that long.
Everything now is peaceful for me. I hope it will last, I have reason to believe that it will. Good. I always leave a job after the thunderstorm, never during. Like if it was only time to move on once everything is all fine, I am appreciated, I appreciate them, we’ve all become friends, we all got it out of our system, and then it seems there is not much to learn anymore about human nature. And hence, it is time to move on, go and learn somewhere else.
I know it is time to move on, when I have finished writing two books about any period of my life. And they are finished now. My third one is half finished, but that one will take longer, it is about the other side of Los Angeles, Hollywood, and my career as a scriptwriter. Now, that will take much longer before anything happens, and do a lot will happen before I go back to London either next month or in two months, it is a book that can be written from London, since I will still have my connections here in L.A. It could be my best yet, however it may take another few years before it is finished, the time it would take for the film script to be sold and made into film. It will take forever. I have the time to go back to London, try to start that business, sell the film script, get back to L.A., and start writing full time. Then it would be finished.
I am a bit worried that I am still her for a month or two, and yet I have already started on my endings for both of my books. Surely more stuff will happen? Would I not simply repeat myself? Perhaps I could concentrate instead on writing that fictitious novel? Good idea, I could only start it. I did, I was not happy with the opening stance, and yet I read it again and I thought it was ok. Guess I will have to rewrite it. I think I will change my whole idea. More thinking is necessary for that one. I guess I also have to work on my future conferences, if I really want that business to see the light of day. I need a damn good idea, there also. I need to think outside the box, a paranormal science conference will flop, I know that. It’s no good. I am so free right now to do whatever I want with this business, I really need a great idea that cannot fail. I need to think some more.
The key are the speakers. They need to be well-known, recognizable instantly, on a hot topic debated in the newspapers every day. And it cannot take place a year later, I cannot risk it not being in the actuality after that. Need to think some more. Need to read all the newspapers for the last six months and figure it out.
Won’t be easy, I have been so disconnected, I am not even watching TV anymore. In America, they have gone so overboard with the commercials, it is simply not bearable. I can now record everything, and fast forward the commercials, but by the time I succeeded in sorting that out, I had already lost interest in whatever it is there is on TV here.
And for the newspapers, the first thing you learn when you move country, is that whatever appears in the biggest paper around where you live, none of that would be in the newspapers of where you were before. And then, you understand that it is useless to read newspapers, they don’t report the news, or these news are insignificant. You will survive if you don’t read any of it. And I’m not worried, if the President of the United States gets shot in the head by a terrorist or one of his close allies, I’m sure someone at work will mention it to me, eventually.
3 April 2006
My godmother just sent me an email, she is the only one really who has kept contact with me since I am in Los Angeles, apart from my mother who never called me in the last 15 years whilst I was in Europe, and must have found out that calling Los Angeles from Québec as actually as cheap as calling Montréal. So now she is calling me every two weeks with a revenge.
Since my answers to my godmother form a good résumé of my actual situation, I thought I would share it with you.
-Hello!!! How do you feel?
-I feel ok. I felt bad recently at work, I thought they were going to sack me, in fact I was quite sure since I exploded in the office at some point. However I must have proved myself more essential than they let on, because it looks like I can get away with murder. At the moment there are not many problems at work, we finally moved to another room, we have new desks, more space and more privacy, which I like. However there is a lot of work to be done and obviously I am doing a lot of overtime. I was in San Francisco at the beginning of the month for a conference, it was nice. I will be going to Salt Lake City Utah next month for my conference, and perhaps Philadelphia Pennsylvania in two months if I am still here.

 

-How is your life in L.A.?

-Well, to be honest, I have not done much, or gone anywhere, really. I just stay in my apartment most of the time, writing books. I have written two books and a half since I am here, and usually when I finish two books (one fiction, the other non-fiction), I usually move on almost by magic, as if I had nothing else to learn and my life/destiny was suddenly bringing me somewhere else. I’m reaching a point where I have nothing left to write about, otherwise I would simply repeat myself. So I think I have reached my limit here. Funny that I could have been so prolific in such a short time. A lot has happened. I have not yet met the big writers/producers I was supposed to meet, I don’t really care to meet them, I still have this film script that I am writing with that actor/musician, and they are his friends. So it does not matter if I meet his great friends or not, the film script could still be sold sometimes this year, even if I am back in London. I have not tried to meet anyone else whilst I am here, I don’t feel like it, and I no longer feel guilt for not contacting anyone. If nothing happens within the little circle in which I fell in, then I can forget writing for Hollywood forever. At the moment I am debating writing a novel like Dan Brown, The Da Vinci Code, but I am still wondering if my English is good enough, or even if my French would be good enough for those French bastards which cannot really recognize French-Canadian as something worth of great literature. I am also quite determined not to write in French anymore. So we’ll see.

 

-Is there any good reason to be there longer?

 

-No. I have made my contacts in Hollywood, they are the best. Now there is no reason to stay. I can work even from London, and I have someone here who can make it happen.

-Do you think to go back to London soon?
-In fact, I was debating with Stephen today if I should give my notice in right now, and go back to London at the end of April. However we have decided that I will remain here for at least two more months, because he just lost his job (on a technicality) and we could not support ourselves if both of us were not working. It looks like destiny to me, I could have gone back to London immediately and we could have started this conference business together, especially that I have established that we don’t need a loan from a bank or any investment, as long as we can confirm sponsors and delegates within three months. However we would still need the money to survive those three months, and perhaps have a minimum of money to pay to register the company, etc. And we don’t even have that. The main obstacle however is Stephen’s mother. She thinks it is a crazy idea because she feels any new company needs investments. And since Stephen has just lost his job, and he has no money, she has gone into panic mode and she is pushing him to find a new job as quickly as possible, in a McDonald if necessary. So Stephen at the moment in not exactly in a position to make any big decision, he has his mother freaking out in the background, and he is depressed because I am away, he has lost his job and he has no money. I’m still hoping that his mother will come to her senses, and realize that starting a conference company could be very profitable in the long term. Somehow she could get us some money to start, or even it could be taken on Stephen’s mortgage. But this is sacred to them, Stephen will be disowned if he touches the mortgage. So at the moment I remain in L.A. because I can at least support myself, even if I cannot help Stephen financially. I think the plan right now is for Stephen to find a new job, then me going back to London in two to three months time, and then I would start this conference company on my own until money starts coming in. At that point Stephen would quit his job and we will both work on this together. I could also get back to my previous conference job in London, in Westminster, however I would prefer to remain here than doing that. If I get back that job, starting a conference company will be virtually impossible, because Stephen’s mother (or Stephen) will never allow me to leave that job again to start the company. If I go back to London, it is to start this business venture, nothing else. No more bosses. If I am to do everything on my own events including finding sponsors, and making other people rich, I might as well do it for myself. And now is the right time.

  

-There are many questions, but the most important is, are you on your dream path right now, and are you happy?

 

-I don’t know. I think it will take a while to truly understand the consequences of coming to L.A. for seven to eight months. Not sure if my dream of being a well paid scriptwriter will become a reality. All I know is that coming here is what convinced me completely to start my own business. I have learnt a lot in the last two years in my last two jobs, and I don’t think I would have felt that ready if I had not come here in the first place. The less developed is the company you work for, the more you have to do everything yourself, develop your own processes, and ultimately learn everything you need to do if you were to start your own business. I even learned a lot about management, which is also important, since I could quickly need to hire a few employees to call lists to confirm delegates and sponsors, and then produce more events as we go along and make more profit. And I have also become more realistic, I will have to produce those corporate events where you can charge an astronomical fee to attend, my secret is that I will still charge half of what my competitors charge, and still make a fortune. Am I happy? I will never be happy. In my life I have only been completely depressed or ok. And right now I am ok, even if Stephen is going through a crisis right now, and I don’t know much about my future and how I will go about doing all that I have set myself to do. One thing for sure, the next few months should be interesting and bring about big changes in my life. As usual. Difficult decisions, the obstacles to overcome, god knows what else. And what about you?

 

***
I’m drinking Corona beers right now, the best beer there is except that Dorada I had in the Canary Islands a few years ago. As I said, nothing new at work, no problems, no crisis, it’s getting boring, I might have to do like the Valley Girl, and create my own problems, just to make this life and this blog more interesting.

Either some new crisis are about to happen, which I hope not, or else this blog is coming to an end. We’ll see. I guess this conference is Salt Lake City, with only the Spanish Guy and myself for four days, might bring something worth reporting here. God knows, I could end up sleeping with him. Though I doubt it. Still, something extraordinary might happen to me in Salt Lake City, the most extreme right State in the U.S.
I will have to watch what I am writing while there, I could easily end up in prison. Every single rave in that State end up with the police arresting everyone, I was reading recently, and that, despite the fact that everything is completely legal with all the permits in order. If it ain’t country music, you must be worshipping the devil, and your place is in hell.
Should be interesting. I think I will move my film script about a bunch of old women striking and freaking out in front of a porno shop from Arkansas to Utah after that visit. Should I bring my Bible to blend in? Oh, there’s no need, I’m sure the hotel will provide me with at least three different versions.
6 April 2006
I had already set myself to the idea that this blog was almost over. However more stuff and crisis will happen between now and the next two months that I will be in Los Angeles. So it is not quite finished yet. No problems, eventually I can delete the boring pages out of this blog, when I will have any time to myself, probably in 30 years if I’m still alive then and if at that point this blog is of any interest to anyone on the planet, even myself.
Not much to report at work, despite that fact that I am in my new office space, and under new management. My to-do-list is a mile long, and I have been told today by Master Bitch (the Chinese Girl), that I was not fast enough to achieve my tasks. Is it my fault if suddenly I have to transcribe a 45 minutes conversation on tape, of highly complicated stuff about Nuclear Power? And then have to book a plane ticket for a stupid delegate who let his assistant decide for him, and both of us are there wondering in the 100 different possibilities at hand what to choose, when neither of us really know? Took me a whole afternoon. And another afternoon to write my five personal goals I am supposed to achieve before the end of the year. Looking at my to-do-list, and how I don’t have the time to do anything, I know very well that none of my corporate goals will ever be achieved, and I can tell: goodbye bonus at the end of the year. But no worry, I won’t be here anymore at the end of the year to collect that bonus anyway. I predict that not many of us will still be working there at the end of the year.
I also understand that they have not followed my reports, because now they have made a big mistake. Before there were six people actively working at producing conferences, and now three of them have stopped completely under the pretence of doing research and finding sponsors and managing people. We have moved from Managers actively producing events, to Managers doing nothing, like it is in just about every big company around the globe.
The Director is said to now be doing research, he is not, I am. The ex-Senior Manager is said to be doing research. He is not, I am. They are said to also find new topics for conferences. They are not, not only they have all been identified for the next ten years, but the new one here and there, we are all in charge of finding them. That leaves sponsorship for the Director. Then again, who’s doing the sponsorship? I am. What are those two going to do now? Take it easy, as they feel they deserve, after working there for over ten years.
Let’s look at the third one, the Manager, newly promoted to Managing the four others. She is no longer producing any event, she supervises us producing them. Her duties on top of that? Writing a conference procedure manual, developing processes, basically, the job of a management consultant. Who did that for the last six months? I did. She can just take it all, adapt it to the company over a weekend, job done.
None, ingenious of them, there are still over 50 conferences to produce this year. I am just a bit over in the hierarchy than the three remaining ones, I am responsible for all the big events, they are in charge of the smaller conferences. I have to make $85,000 per event, they need to make $21,000 per event. I have more to produce than all three united. They are still just assistants with more responsibilities, they won’t be assisting me, I am very much alone to dig all these sponsors and marketing deals on my own, on top of writing the conference programs, researching them and confirming the speakers. Maybe they think I will be working over 100 hours a week for them? I’m laughing. No wonder Master Bitch though I was not working faster. I’m already late on my next 30 conferences for the year.