Identify the Current Issue
Note to leader: Provide each person with “Dinner Table Talk in a Violent World” from Gifted for Leadership, included at the end of this study.
At the end of a long day, you return home, cook up an appetizing and healthy supper (right?), and sit down with your family for some good connecting time. Questions about the day’s events circle the table, as well as reminders about the week’s agenda. Your husband bemoans his troubles at work and your kids gripe about their strife at school. You soak it all up, trying to be a support, a cheerleader, and an inspiration.
The trouble is, you haven’t got any more cheer in your pom-poms, and you lost your inspired feeling earlier in the day as you pondered a new ministry and tried to balance work with home. The nightly televised news only added to your stress.
Discussion starters:
[Q] Pick a word that describes each aspect of the environment in your home: physical, emotional, and spiritual.
[Q] How often do you sit around the table together as a family?
[Q] When you do sit down with your family around the dinner table, what kinds of conversations do you normally have?
[Q] Do you have a friend who welcomes you to her home and invites you to relax and be rejuvenated? What elements in that home make it comforting?
[Q] How does your family encourage or discourage you?
[Q] Where do you turn to escape the chaos of daily life, the turmoil in the world, and the burdens you carry?
Part 2
Discover the Eternal Principles
According to the Hebrew-Greek Key Study Bible (AMG Publishers, 1990), the Hebrew for “to seek refuge” can mean several things. We seek refuge in God because we want protection and safety. Often in the Scriptures, someone sought refuge when he or she was pursued by an enemy or in the midst of a battle. A refuge can also be understood as a place of trust. We trust God with our lives and we trust him to always do what is good. We find refuge in God when we are discouraged by the challenges we face and need hope. Safety, trust, and hope are all elements that can be built into our family life to create a home of refuge.
Teaching point one: Make your home a hideaway from the world (protection and safety).
The story of Corrie ten Boom and her family, as told in The Hiding Place, provides a great example of how to make our homes a place of refuge. Corrie’s family sheltered Jews during the Nazi occupation of Holland. The ten Boom home offered refuge as a hiding place for many people suffering great persecution. Their family provided protection from evil and a place of peace. They even created a hidden room for their guests so the Nazi police would not discover them. Their home became a refuge, and because of the family’s heroism, many were saved.
Your family may not need a secret place to hide from an evil regime, but they do need a place to hide from the unseen evil ruler of this world. You can provide a home where your family and friends are safe for a while from their enemy, who prowls around looking for someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8)—a place where they can be free from the accusations of the enemy and his lies.
Your home is not just a shelter from the rain; it is a shelter from the challenges of life. It begins with your family when you create an atmosphere that is warm, inviting, and safe. How can you build up the spiritual walls around your home that will enclose your family in God’s protection?
Read Isaiah 26:1–15.
[Q] List the spiritual walls that we can build up around our homes to create an environment of safety and peace (based on Isaiah 26).
[Q] What is the core reason that this world is filled with troubles? In other words, why do we need a place of refuge?
[Q] A home that is a refuge from the world must first of all be wholesome. But in today’s society, the corrupted world sometimes enters our homes through the television, internet, and other media. How can you maintain a haven of righteousness in your home?
In addition to the attacks of Satan and the influences of the world, our homes must be guarded against the stresses of ministry and work. Women lead busy lives—balancing ministry, work, and family. Your home will not be a safe haven if you do not have boundaries to keep family time separate from your other responsibilities. You must set aside hidden “space” for your family, just like the ten Booms built a hidden room to hide the Jews.
For example, if you spend your morning counseling a woman whose husband has just left her for someone else, you cannot carry that conversation and burden home with you. Can you listen to your husband’s plans for an upcoming vacation if your mind is fixed on someone else’s problems? When you leave an unfinished project on your desk at work, do you fret over that work all evening instead of enjoying a family game time? Is your couch or dining room table cluttered with Bible studies you must plan, laptops beckoning you to work, or cell phones ringing urgently?
[Q] Have you set up clear boundaries between work, ministry, and home? If yes, give an example of what these “walls” look like. If no, what can you do differently to make places or times in your home life that are not intruded upon by work or ministry?
Teaching point two: Turn your table talk into something transforming (trust).
In “Dinner Table Talk in a Violent World,” Carla Foote shares how her family dealt with the trauma of the Virginia Tech shooting by gathering around the table and listening to each person’s perspective on the tragic events. From this peek into Carla’s family life, we see that they have openness, freedom to be honest, and respect for each other in their conversations.
As they talked, they explored the mystery of God’s workings and got a glimpse into his heart and the great cost of redemption. In Carla’s family, they were able to openly share about tragedy and God’s working in the world because they had a commitment to honoring conversations that built each other up. The family dinner table was a safe place to share deeper emotions and thoughts, since they knew their hearts would be treated with gentleness there.
Read Ephesians 4:25–32.
[Q] What words should describe our conversations at home?
How can you encourage conversations that build your family members up?
[Q] What attitudes need to be eliminated from family conversations in order to make your home a safe place for heart-to-heart discussions?
[Q] Ephesians 4:29 in The Message says that each word should be a “gift.” Words can be packaged in shiny paper with bright bows, but still be empty. Meaningful words, however, can be filled with power. Give examples of words spoken to you that were gifts.
[Q] What if you and your husband disagree on important topics? How can you discuss these with sensitivity and gentleness, even if you have to agree to disagree?
Optional Activity: Ask two people in the group to role play such a discussion— first with negative overtones, and then using Ephesians 4 as a guideline.
Read Psalm 32.
[Q] What is the context for this oft-quoted verse: “You are my hiding place” (v. 7)?
[Q] What makes God a safe refuge according to David, the psalmist?
[Q] In what ways does your home exemplify God’s forgiveness? How does this make your home a “hiding place”?
[Q] How can you build an environment of trust in your household? Find one or more Scriptures that support your plan for building trust (use a concordance to look up the word trust).
Optional Activity: Choose one member of your family that you would like to encourage. Write down a specific plan to lift up his or her spirit. You could write a little note with a powerful verse that will be discovered at lunch, make an uplifting phone call at midday, or send a fun text message at an unexpected time.
Teaching point three: Let God’s Word lift your family’s spirits (hope).
When thunderstorms crash through the Midwest, people sit in their basements watching the weather channel with one eye while using the other eye to search the blackness outside for funnel clouds. The sturdy walls around those families huddled together in their basements provide shelter from the wind and rain, but not from fear.
After the events of 9/11, Columbine, and Virginia Tech, people’s fears were heightened because everything seemed uncertain and unpredictable. Personal well-being and safety suddenly felt uncertain and out of our control. Although there is no guarantee of exactly how long each of us will live or what troubles might come our way, there is still hope because God knows what he is doing, even if we do not.
Hope is not a fluffy, empty promise of better times ahead, but a firm, true expectation that God is in control. We have hope that he will take care of us, no matter what storms blow through our lives, and we have hope for a perfect eternity with him. This hope pushes aside those fears and worries so prevalent in our society.
[Q] What “battles” do you face each day? What kinds of trouble from work, relationships, ministry, and the world come into your home at night?
Read Psalm 91 and consider the following questions.
[Q] This psalm provides hope that God will rescue and protect us from evil. So why do people who love God still face disaster at times?
How can we still find hope in this psalm?
[Q] How does God’s refuge for the soul differ from perfect protection from all physical harm?
Read Psalm 57, which David wrote when he was hiding in a cave from Saul, who was trying to kill him.
[Q] What were David’s circumstances when he wrote this psalm? (Look up 1 Samuel 22:1 and 24:3 if necessary.) Visualize yourself in David’s place. How might he have felt?
[Q] What characteristics of God does the imagery of “wings” and “refuge” evoke?
[Q] How does the promise in Psalm 57:2 refine your understanding of God’s refuge?
Teaching point four: Make family prayer a refuge for the heart.
Every day, spiritual arrows fly over our heads, nearly miss our hearts, and sometimes even find their target. We walk about without much thought for these dangerous weapons, because we cannot see them. Our enemy attacks us on an emotional and spiritual level, so we sometimes forget he is there. Because of our ignorance and lack of preparation, arrows of bitterness and anger hit their targets, and wounds of unforgiveness or criticism fester deep in our hearts.
When we don’t realize we’re in a battle, we don’t plan accordingly. In any real-life battle, military commanders prepare in advance for a retreat if necessary, and even for a place to take refuge. Your family needs to be aware of this battle and to make your home a refuge by covering each person in prayer on a regular basis. You probably pray for your family regularly. But family prayer time can welcome the peace of God into your home.
Read Ephesians 6:10–20.
[Q] Each word that Paul welds into this suit of armor has meaning. Consider how salvation protects us or truth supports us. How does each of these spiritual traits cover us?
Leader’s Note: If time permits, examine each of the elements in the armor of God by defining their spiritual traits and discussing how they protect us.
[Q] Look at the verbs (the action words) that Paul uses. What do these words imply to you?
[Q] In verse 18, Paul reminds us to remain “alert.” How can you be more aware of the unseen spiritual battles going on around your family?
Part 3
Apply Your Findings
Our homes are not built out of straw, wood, or bricks, but out of love. We lay down bricks of patience and forgiveness around the boundaries of our homes, and we build upon the foundation of trust in God and obedience to him. Your dining room may be filled with knick-knacks, antiques, and china, but it also must be filled with the beauty of hope, gentleness, and compassion.
Choose one of the following to do this week:
Action Points:
Sit down with your family this week and set up ground rules for conversations in your home. Read Ephesians 4:25–32 together and discuss the kind of words that you want to hear between family members on a regular basis.
Make sure that the next decorative item you buy for your home contains spiritual meaning too. For example, a wreath in the shape of a heart could remind you to decorate your home with love. Or a plaque that contains Scripture can keep you focused on what’s truly important.
Set aside a space in your home for prayer and peace. It could be an armchair in the corner away from the busyness of the house or a bench on the porch. Don’t allow that space to be cluttered with anything other than Bibles and journals. Make it a place of rest, a haven.
Plan one night a week for a family prayer time after you have finished eating. Pray the armor of God for each family member, and pray for specific prayer requests regarding work, friendships, ministry, or school. Give everyone a chance to share deeper emotional and spiritual concerns as well.
—Heather Cox balances life as a ministry leader, mother, and math teacher. She writes from her home hidden away in the beautiful countryside of the Midwest.
Additional Resources -
ChristianBibleStudies.com
-Six Principles for Women Leaders
-Soul Care for Women Leaders
When Families Pray: The Power of Praying Together, Cheri Fuller (Multnomah, 2002; ISBN 978-1576738884)
Five Signs of a Loving Family, Gary Chapman (Moody Publishers, 1998;
ISBN 978-1881273929)
Strong Families in Stressful Times: 10 Ways to Fill Your Home with Stability and Faith, John Trent (Harvest House Publishers, 2004; ISBN 978-0736912822)
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life, Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend (Zondervan, 1992; ISBN 978-0310247456)
Reclaiming Surrendered Ground, Jim Logan (Moody Publishers, 1995;
ISBN 978-0802439482)
Article
Dinner Table Talk in a Violent World
Let your family be your refuge.
By Carla Foote, for the study, “Error: Reference source not found”
For many of us involved in ministry and leadership positions, our days are full and our brains are fried by the end of the day, when we return home to re-group with our families. Table talk over dinner is an important place to process the small and large, local and global issues of our day.
Last night at dinner, I started to say grace, and I just couldn’t say anything. My husband picked up and finished for me, praying for those families touched by tragedy.
There are sad stories on the news every day, but some just hit a certain way, in a vulnerable place. And our voices catch as we discuss the news of the day around the dinner table. The conversation becomes more intense and emotional and less theoretical on these days.
My son is away at college. We missed his presence at the dinner table in a more pointed way last night.
Two people were killed in a college dorm and many more in a college classroom. The story happened more than 2,000 miles away from his campus, but it made me sad. I e-mailed him and told him I loved him, that nothing is for certain except for God, and that if anything ever happened he should try all of us on our cell phones and if he couldn’t reach us, go to the next level of relatives – a little maternal advice never hurts. He called me last night, just to “touch base” and I appreciated the call.
Over dinner, as I regained the ability to talk, I described Blacksburg and what a lovely little town it is and how it fits into my family history. I needed to give the place a face and a context. My parents met on the campus of Virginia Tech over 50 years ago. My mom was a local woman, from a poor family in the countryside nearby, working on campus as a secretary in the Engineering Department. My dad was a graduate student from Iowa, studying Engineering at Virginia Tech and later teaching on the campus. They met, fell in love, got married and had two children in Blacksburg. I was born in the second phase of Dad’s career, after he left academics for the excitement of the jet age at Boeing in Seattle. So Blacksburg isn’t my hometown, and I’ve only visited there a few times, but I have roots there. Blacksburg is a lovely little college town in the Blue Ridge Mountains of southern Virginia.
Horrible things aren’t supposed to happen in lovely towns, except that they do.
As we continued to talk around the dinner table, our 16 year old provided additional perspective. She participates in foreign extemporaneous speaking, so she regularly researches issues from around the world and keeps a clipping file on world events, sorted by country for her competitions. She said that about the same number of people have died in Nigeria this week, from violence surrounding their elections. Some candidates were assassinated before the election. Officials were actually surprised that there wasn’t more violence. She said that she has to distance herself from the death in international news, to a certain extent, or she wouldn’t be able to speak about it.
No one died in Denver in our last election.
Sitting around the dinner table contemplating the news of Virginia and Nigeria, we agreed that each life matters. A life in Virginia, a life in Nigeria, a life in Denver, a life in Darfur. And when news of a tragedy, either near to us or distant, tugs at our heart and makes us process the deep questions of life, we are getting a glimpse, just a small glimpse, into the heart of God.
Because we can’t see or understand the whole heart of God for the world. It would overwhelm and crush us.
Last night, sitting around our dinner table, just a few days after the event of Good Friday and the miracle of Easter, we had a tiny glimpse into the cost for Jesus. He died on the cross for every single person, individually. His heart literally broke for each of the millions and billions of human beings, each created in his image. Each with the capacity for good and evil, each with free will. Each needing redemption.
When we feel pain from the events in our near world, or the distant world, we are reminded of how much God loves the world, and how much pain free will has cost, and how much it cost Jesus to redeem us.
Even though it might sound trite, and simplistic, and super-spiritual, we have no choice but to wait with anticipation for the certainty of a day with no tears and no sadness. A day we cannot see yet, but hold as promise. When no parent will wait for the phone call from a young student which will never come. When the dinner table conversations will have a different tone and subject.
Because without the hope and promise, we truly have nothing.
But in the meantime, I have my family to talk with around the dinner table, and e-mail and phone to connect with those of my family who are distant. Last night my dinner table was a sacred place of connection, where we could together understand a little more about each other, God and the broken world where we live.
—Carla Foote
“Dinner Table Talk in a Violent World,” by Carla Foote, Gifted for Leadership, April 18, 2007
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