Defining Moments

A Moments Definition
I woke up hung over. I walk into my kitchen to make myself lemon water and pop some tynol for my headache. Hilda telling me the truth about Danielle devastated me. The truth was worse than telling me that someone needed time and space to find balance. IF Danielle had just told me that it was permanently over, I could’ve move forward perhaps. Instead she dangled a golden carrot of hope in front me with her mixed messages and wanting to spend the night with me. I was the white rabbit that followed the golden carrot down the hole. It is a dangerous thing to give hope to someone then destroy it with a facade for personal benefit. My mind couldn’t wrap itself around the truth. Life seemed surreal. The Universe played a joke on me and I was the butt of it.

I walk into my bedroom, going to Facebook as I reread the messages from the coffee shop, Hilda. Danielle has blocked me as a friend. Up until yesterday, I was a friend. I wasn’t surprised since I knew the truth now. Hope, faith and love didn’t exist for me anymore. My life was empty.

My anger began to turn to God as to why he would allow such cruelty and why did he allow me to live. Why did God believe in a species that hurt each other on a daily basis? It seemed like a cruel joke in my eyes. I thought sarcastically that it was funny that I was a bartender. I only got the job so I could prove to Danielle that I could. There was an additional benefit. My job was right down the street from her catering job. Nothing mattered now.

The star restaurant had been calling me all week to return as a shift supervisor. I thought what the hell. I am damaged anyway. If I return back to this job as their shift supervisor then I won’t have to feel the pain.

I walk back into my living room to the side wall, standing up against it, beginning to slide down as tears run my cheeks. Looking around, dazed, my breath getting deeper with the tears streaming down. I sit on the floor. What do I do now? Nothingness fills my head for hours on end. It’s a place where you just sit there, not moving, hoping that reality will somehow change if you stare at it long enough. My rational mind knew it was over. My emotional self didn’t.

One thing that I did know that my writing always helped me to process life. No matter what hell was going on in my life, I always turned to my journals and wrote about it so I could understand. I always found a certain peace in my writing. The funny thing for me was my journals, my letters that I had written Danielle and all the letters that she wrote me that I had kept. My anger began to consume me once again. The answer is like fire wanting to burst however it was nothing in comparison to the sorrow that I had. My sorrow was telling me that had I Just kept my mouth shut about my past childhood, Danielle would be here today.

Standing up, I walk to my bookshelf picking up my journals and Danielle’s letters. I was going to burn them all. I decided that I was also to give up writing forever. I turn to see the painting on my wall of the willow tree against the river, remembering my sister, Sarah. Sarah’s voice enters my head,

“Sister, if you burn the letters, and stop your writing then our mother won.” Sarah was right, I couldn’t do this.

Grabbing my computer, I begin writing about my experience with Danielle and our love. Now granted that when I first began I was filled with anger from a broken heart and I wanted to say look at me, look at me. I would keep writing in the months and year to come in the memoir. Now today in rewriting/editing the memoir I have come to realize it was never about me or Danielle or our love. It was about the experience of true love, its loss and the impact it had on my healing process in the discovery of me.

I began with first writing a letter to Danielle that night.

May 9th, 2012:

My dearest Danielle,

I found out by accident that you are with a new woman and that you two are very serious. I guess what we had meant nothing to you. I wish I had been the one you had returned to. You said that there was no one else. You said that I would be the first woman that you date. So what is Hilda? A man in disguise? You just stopped loving me and broke all the promises to me. How could you do that knowing what I went through? A real woman of integrity would have just said, “Look we are not compatible.”

Instead you continued the relationship. Why? Did you do continue our relationship out of PITY? Your new girlfriend said that you spoke highly of me. Yet you tell your new girlfriend that we were not a perfect match. You had no problem accepting the gifts. You had no problem with how we made love. You spoke that I was the only one that could touch you the way I did. You had the audacity to stand in a room full of people and tell them that we were dating and we were serious. This journal will be my last to you. You told me to have hope. I did. You said that you would return to me. You never intended to return to me. I was the easy one to eliminate. Or don’t you remember your last words to me. You won’t even talk to me. You are trying to forget that I exist.

I don’t know what to say anymore. I am at a loss for words. I went through hell and back to reach you. I do have one thing to say. You are a coward for not telling me yourself. For that I shall never forget what you did to me. Instead you allowed your girlfriend tell me the truth.

I cannot believe that you broke your promise and made me make promises to you. You would get upset if I broke my promises. You were with her prior to the breakup. Really!! The woman that I knew you to be, had pride to tell people the truth. You even said that you taught your children to tell the truth. Who is the liar now? What are you really teaching your children?

Now I know why you never introduced me to your family as your fiancée. You were ashamed of someone like me. Most importantly you were with someone else. I finally got it. God speed to your journey.

Thank you, I finally cried for the first time in my life. How dare you make me believe in love and hope. Even just two weeks prior to you telling me that you broke us up, you wanted to be next to me based on your text messages that you sent me.

1.2.2012:

When we talked she was telling me about how the job was picking up, that the catering business was projecting another 31 million dollars in revenue. That she was going to a monster truck jam. How she is allergic to mangos.

1.7.2012:

She was frustrated because she had no time for self, for me or even the kids. She does not even have time to do the basic things like taking her daughter to do a project for school. She had to work her birthday and that sucked.

1.8.2012:

She wished that I was next to her right now to wake her and that she wished I was next to her every day waking her.

2012. 
      :
      

She had a challenging event yesterday. 1 hour into the event and they realized they were missing 19 tables. She slept ok. Today is a long event. 3000 people plated for army folks. We amaze ourselves. I told her I can’t wait ‘til the day I wake her with coffee and she moaned saying hmmm yes honey I want that. She had to take shower and she will talk to me later.

1.12.2012:

I told her about Tabula Rasa Extraordinary Measures. She was overwhelmed by me and how I am her true gift. Told me that she was going to get together with me on 1.19 but she has to work. Her son said that was weird because mom is home.

I understand now. This reality was a bitch. I find myself in the darkest of spots because you said you loved me. I am nothing. Thank you for making me realize that.

Katherine Symthe
I was beyond devastated at finding out Danielle moved on and was in another relationship with a woman that went into the time of our relationship together. I had felt betrayed by Danielle’s behavior, and refusal to communicate to me in person the truth. In that moment when I found out, I was angry at Spirit. The truth was not the anger. I was angry at the loss of love.

When I look back to this day, I know it was about manipulation on both of our parts. Danielle used me to get what she could. I used Danielle to validate my existence. I look at my life now and see how this one moment lead me to my journey of finding my authentic self. I will admit that I am wary of an future potential intimate relationships because of my experience with Danielle. I do not see a potential new intimate relationship at this time. Perhaps I am hiding from that feeling of being in love. Perhaps my time has come and gone for a possible soul mate. I do not know the answer. I would like to hope that there is a companion out there for me. Perhaps is the question at hand.