Defining Moments

JOURNAL TO THE UNIVERSE 1
I felt like a wounded animal begging for my life to end. No place to turn or hide without me thinking about Danielle. Thinking about the love that we had is overwhelming. This whole thing reeked of my mother’s cruelty to me. My mind is having flashbacks to what she did. I feel like I am in a movie yet I am reliving it. I attempt to tell myself to move on, move forward and to forget. Love is hard to forget especially when it touches your soul. Over and over I keep going over her words, her promises and I cry just at the very thought. My mother broke all her promises to me as a child including never hurting my sister Sarah, who is dead by her hands.

All I can do at this point is cry and write. I’m no saint either. Danielle knew and accepted my baggage. Who doesn’t have baggage? The pain is so intense. As I am writing images from the past come up. Now I must work through them.

May 14, 2012(Journal Entry)

Dear Journal. I am now writing to you on the computer version of my journal. Outside is nothing. There’s almost a relief in knowing the truth. For Five months, I waited, prayed and had faith. I sat outside at my current job at the Star Restaurant today, looking upon the sunset. I saw nothing but failure. I wondered what I am to do with my life now. I don’t belong at this job either. Where do I belong? I don’t know. I’m lost and am a mess.

Soon my 40^th birthday will be here thinking that I would’ve celebrated it with Danielle. Guess that changed. My current job at the STAR restaurant keep telling me that I am not the same manager I once was. I am not the strict manager that did anything that I was told. I lost the coldness that management has to have in many ways to deal with employees. I was even told that now I care too much about the employees. When they told me this, I knew it was a matter of time before they find a reason to fire me. This restaurant fed on management that had no problem with degrading their employees. I could no longer do that for them. I was considered a weak link in their eyes.

I have become friends with this one woman and her partner. Her name is Saundra and her partner is Lucky. Saundra is the tarot reader from the Press Release Party. Saundra is interesting because she is genuine and keeps challenging me on this mythology that I am not different and not alone. My instincts say to trust her and her family. She keeps poking holes into my walls and showing me the sunshine. What if Saundra is right? What if I need to change because people have been using me?

I look at the Sun at the sun remembering the first time I saw sunlight. I was never allowed to go outside in the daylight ‘til I was seven years of age. I was locked in a closet for the first seven years of my life. I still remember the smells, the darkness and coldness of the closet. If I wasn’t locked in the closet, I was locked in a six by six dog box outside. The only time I was allowed outside was at night.

If I was hungry I had to eat dog shit, or maggots. I was only taken out during the day if I was being sold to a john. The experience of seeing the sun for the first time was amazing.

I still remember thinking wow what is this light? It felt so warm against my skin. Nothing like the coldness of the dark from when I was in the closet or the dog box. The sun was pure and there was no smell of urine, blood or death.

Why journal am I flashbacks and thoughts to when I was younger. These flashbacks are disturbing me. I try not to think of them yet evertime I think of my own sadness with Danielle, they keep, I need to focus.

Received great news today as I was invited today by Tara to present one of my poems for a public poetry reading.