Defining Moments

JUNE 6, 2012: JOURNAL ENTRY

Three months since Danielle departure in my life. Almost a month since knowing the truth of that departure. I look at this journal that I am writing. In the last month I have gone home and had drinks. I thought by drinking I could get rid of her in my mind and heart. Didn’t work. Instead I kept focusing and remembering what we had. Damn you Danielle. You might try and tell your new girlfriend that you were not in love with me. We all know the truth.

Her letters tell me that we were soul mates. Danielle never knew I kept those letters. They reminded me how she loved me. I never realized those letters would serve as proof that we were together. Her letters were instant messages, text message, and written letters. I kept them because they were sacred to me. Some of my friends told me to burn them after I had found out the truth. I couldn’t burn them. They represented a time of innocence, a learning experience. It would be like throwing away a book and burning it. Here are a few of the letters.

Every night I punished myself by rereading her letters, crying as I drank a class of merlot. What did I do wrong Journal?
September 8, 2011:

Danielle: I would kiss away all your tears. You are my one and only!

September 10, 2011:

Danielle: I miss you so much! I wish you were here with me.

September 11, 2011:

Danielle: You have no idea how much I am missing you! I am having the crappiest day! I am so glad it’s almost over.

September 14, 2011:

Danielle: I am so in love with you!!! If I can make it for a minute or two I will.

I am becoming very emotional over remembering how Danielle loved me. It is so hard. Why did she throw me away? I find myself asking the question why? What did I do wrong? Why Danielle? If you loved me so much why did you abandon me, reject me and throw me away. Danielle won’t even respond to my calls.

It’s like I am a disease and she wishes me nonexistent. This loss reminds me of my mother and it hurts. I want to die however I am too scared of committing suicide. All I ever wanted was to be loved. I know that Danielle loved me for that moment. She showed me with the letters, the way she made love to me, and how she cared about my writing. If Danielle were here I would ask “Why? “

Hell at least, when I was a child, I understood Kendra, my mother.

I was never allowed to call my mother, mother. I could only call her by her name, Kendra. At least when I asked her why she was abusing me, she responded with the cruel truth.

“Cause I hate you. You are a bastard child”

I keep hearing her voice inside my head right now, saying,

“She left because you are a whore. Did you really think that she would want to touch you knowing that I raped you?”

My inner voice is playing tricks on me. Yet a part of me wonders if this is the truth. I feel like a hamster replaying moments from an event.

What about that day Danielle placed her hand on my heart and looking into my eyes saying,

“I will never hurt you the way they did. I will protect you and love you.”

Was this a lie? Danielle, if you only knew what you have really done to me. You took my heart and shattered it as if it was a daisy so easily broken. You told me that you wanted to give me new experiences. Well you did. I am the Kat that has learned that not everyone keeps their promises. I have learned that not everyone sees true love with honor.

Funny thing is that I said I would not write in the journals like I am talking to you. However it’s all I can do to maintain peace.

I feel hurt, betrayed and angry. I still occasionally get moments where I think back and wonder. What did I do wrong? Wait perhaps Danielle never saw herself as deserving. Perhaps in her time she never met someone like me. I can show her if she allowed me. Wait, this is my inner voice once again trying to justify her behavior because of my love. I will never know because Danielle never had the courage to talk to me. The deed was done.

The dream that we had has become bittersweet. The past never excuses bad behavior that we do upon others. Once Danielle told me that she was raped and abused. That does not excuse Danielle from lying to me and moving on.

It reminds me of a time I once told my so called mother that just because you were taught a certain way doesn’t mean you have to continue the cycle. Strength and courage lies in doing what is right even against the odds. Of course my responded with,

“How would you know? You’re just a bastard child that we sell and use for my pleasure.” Kendra said.

Memories can be haunting. In just under a week I will be reading a very powerful piece of poetry for The Black Women Unite, here in San Antonio Texas. I have come a long way in my life. I have made choices because I have had to learn on my own. Now thinking about this whole situation, and how I thought being different was odd.

Sweet Lord in heaven, I do miss those moments when I use to give Danielle my journals. Danielle and I had this understanding that because our time was limited and sometimes she would only be accessible by her cell phone, I wrote love letters to her. I would detail how my day was going and ask her questions. I would write to her. When I would see her, I would take red roses to her, a yellow pack of American Spirit cigarettes and listen to her day. It was a way of connecting. Danielle told me how amazing it was to be loved by me and to have a woman write her journals. Danielle use to say to me,

“You are the answer to my prayers. I prayed for you when I was a child, and God answered.”

I remember and still have the letter that she wrote me in the very beginning of our relationship. It touched my soul so much that for a month I use to carry it around in my pocket at work. On the nights that were rough, I would silently go outside, smoke a cigarette and read the letter. The letter provided a comfort to me. Just knowing that she was there for me, gave me inspiration. I knew by this letter that I could be better; that everything and all the challenges I was facing in the restaurant was worth it because at the end of the day I had something very precious. I had Danielle at my side as my wife and girlfriend. Danielle loved me. I had love for the first time in my life.

When she gave the note, she passionately kissed me saying,

“I love you”

The note was written on lined paper and read:

“My dearest Kat,

Hello my dear! I am just getting into bed…Wishing you were

Here with me, holding me, caressing me. I want you in my arms

now and always. There is a Beetle's song “Something”. It reminds

of you. It is one of the sweetest songs. It’s about knowing this person is so special and knowing you is in love or really just starting to love someone.

It was so great to see you today. To be in your arms. To lie next

to you. To fall asleep with you. To wake next to you. We have the best time together just holding one another. Another day gone,

another day closer to seeing you. I am not sure why I have this

need to see you. But I do. If I didn’t have kids I would be over

there every day. But alas I do so our time must be limited and

you’re wrong about one thing. Three months is three months

not three weeks. So it is 90 days. Their father got out of prison

today. Not too sure how to feel about that. I want to hate him

but he gave me my beautiful kids. Oh well he won’t try to come

back here. He is too much of a ***. Any way enough about him.

I am getting excited about seeing you on Thursday.”

I remember that Thursday when Danielle and I met for dinner. We submitted to one another, our love. We exchanged vows. Danielle got on her hands and knees to me, professing her love.

What did I do wrong?