Defining Moments

PERSONAL NOTE REGARDING: June 10, 2012:

Today as been a day of reflecting back on my conversations in February with Danielle, the text messages, and my journals to her. There are many things to wonder about. I wonder if Danielle’s new girlfriend knew about anything that which was going on between us. According to the new girlfriend when she talked to me in May, Danielle and her had know each other for “quite a while. Furthermore they got together “officially” as a couple days after we broke up. I know how to do math. That would place the relationship with the new girlfriend in January/February.

People have the tendency towards the propensity to not keep promises and blow it off like oh well it’s just a promise. Danielle’s promise of loving me meant the world to me. Danielle’s promise that she would never reject me tore me apart. What Danielle did reminded me of the broken promises of my mother, Kendra.

My childhood taught me not to trust people and their promises. Innately I knew that people had the capability to want to do what is right. The key lied in the person’s price. There is an adage that states “everyone has their price”

Kendra use to give me lectures,

“All you have to do is find their price. The price will lead you find gold. People will sell others out and could be bought for that price. If you find that price you would become the master.”

It was a belief that I didn’t agree with.

When I was 15 years old I asked Kendra to stop her abuse.

“When are you going to stop this madness? You promised that you would try and stop. ” I asked.

Kendra struck me across the face,

“Everyone has their price, bitch. Find it and they will break.

People will even kill their own children for this price.”

She laughed walking to the refrigerator. She pulled out a bowl of rice and inside the rice something was moving. It was maggots. Those maggots was going to be my dinner. I hate rice. Even to this day I refuse to eat white rice.

“You can change, I know you can. Not everyone has a price. And promises can be kept,” I said.

‘Why? Because you survived so far. You read that fucked

up Holy Bible shit. Where was your God when I took your sister’s life?”

I sighed. I knew that because I had refused to eat dinner I would have to sleep outside with the dogs. So I grabbed my collar and put it on my neck. I began to walk outside when Kendra said,

“You will see. One day someone will promise you a family and break

you like the bitch dog you are.”

I said to myself,

“You are wrong. There are good people out there.”

Kendra went outside and tied me to the inside of a wooden dog house. She started to walk away when she came back.

“Who is going to love you when you tell them what I did to you.

Who will fuck you whore? A bitch that ate maggots to live, raped by her own mother?”

Kendra took a stick and started pounding on the top of the wooden box.

“You know why your fucking God loves you. Cause he pities you.

A worthless Bitch. I should have gone deeper with that knife and cut your throat all the way through,” Kendra taunts.

I did nothing because I knew if I said anything Kendra would pull her knife out and kill one of the dogs in the kennel. Kendra walked away.

I reflect upon that conversation with my mother. My sadness seems to be triggering my memories that I thought I buried in me.

Was Danielle like my mother? I refuse to believe that all people are not to be trusted. I refuse to believe that people want to hurt others for the pure pleasure of power. One day I will find a girlfriend that will keep her promise to me. It is hard to imagine that it will not be Danielle.

There is a part of me that wishes I could have saved Kendra, my mother. Kendra was so consumed with the adrenaline of hurting children that I could not save her.