Defining Moments
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| THE SPIRITUAL QUEST
Life was empty, hollowed out by Danielle leaving needing time and space. Nothing made sense to me anymore. I feel like a zombie, numb by the events of life. The pain in my heart was intense and I am so confused and lost. We planned a whole life together. She took my engagement rings. Danielle said to have hope, that she would return as soon as she found balance. I know she can do this. The universe is playing a cruel joke on me. Why? What did I do wrong? Ah shit, it’s my childhood. Danielle couldn’t handle my childhood. I remember how she looked at me weird about my mother raping and torturing me and I asked, “Are you okay? I’m telling you what I went through,” “Yes, it’s just a little hard to take in however I love you.” Danielle states. I should have never told her about my abusive past. She said she was never bothered by it however at the end of the day she is not here with me. I get up and throw my journal across my apartment floor looking up at the ceiling. “Why have you done this to me God? They say you’re a merciful God? I was alone when I was raped and electrocuted. No you make me live as a survivor and now punishing me by taking the love of my life. What kind of God are you?” I take a deep breath in knowing that God will not answer. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. A day of lovers and I’m alone. I walk over and pick up my journal. “What kind of God are you? I never asked to survive. No you made me live for what? This curse of what happened so I can be a mockery? Well I hope you have a good laugh because I am going to make this right.” I shout. I decided I was going to make it right and reach out to Danielle. She always said that we were soul mates and that we can feel each other. If we can feel each other then she is feeling my sadness. I know this. I text Danielle. “Hello. How are you Danielle?” Oh my god, she responded to my text. I knew I could reach her. “Drunk. With my mother and her friend drinking.”
What the hell? She’s drink. I knew it. She is drinking because of her depression however I know that trying to reach her while she was drunk was not going to work. The time had come to reach out to her in a different way. There is more than one way to skin a cat. Every time I had tried to reach out to Danielle she rejected my calls and text messages. I refuse to give up on her. I promised her that I would be her rock no matter what. I have nothing to lose. A person with nothing to lose is very dangerous because they will do anything to reach their objective. I swore an oath that I would not leave her behind. I remember Danielle and me talking in bed once. “I’ll be your rock and will never leave you behind.” I said “Promise me that no matter what happens you never leave me.” Danielle states. “I promise.” “I am counting on that.”Danielle replies kissing me. My promise is my oath. There is another way to reach Danielle. The answer is Spiritual. I need to find Peyote and initiate my own vision quest. It’s time to return to the source, my beliefs. If I use Peyote, I can find her soul in the vision quest and talk to her soul. Once I find her soul, I will deal with Spirit’s cruel joke on me. There is one person I know that sells Peyote, Jack. I went to Jack and explained my theory. Jack looks at me as though I am crazy. Jack and I spent nights talking about spirituality, our calling in life and the love of our lives. This will work because love saves the day and Danielle is my soul mate. Jack and I use to talk about Danielle and he would tell me about his wife. Jack and I became very close friends due to our common elements in life. “Are you prepared for the consequences? You are not trained in Peyote and it could cost your life?” Jack asks concerned. I look at him, “I am prepared to die to keep my promise. Without honor and Integrity there is only death,” I said. He looks at me, shaking his head, “This is not some kind of spiritual war, Kat. This is not some mission to bring someone home.” I look at him with anger, Every day we are alive; we are in a war to be honorable. Every day someone dies because of cruelty. I know there is a way to reach her. I will no matter what!” Jack steps back looking at me, “I have never doubted you. I am just saying I am not prepared to lose you. You are not in the right frame of mind. Your sorrow has overtaken you. If you are hurt from this process, you won’t remember to come back.” I start to walk away when I turn back around walking up to Jack. “Come back to what? She has given up on hope. You know that I would do the same for any of you that are my friends.” Jack lights a cigarette, “The problem here, Kat, is you think that you are alone. Spirit did not abandon you. I know I am a medicine man.” I light a cigarette, “All my life I have been honorable. I refuse to give up on her. If I have the ability to reach her, I will.” I said. He shakes his head at me. Jack was dismayed that I wanted to push forward. “This is not spiritual with Danielle. This is physical. Or did you forget she told me too in person that she would never leave you. Danielle promised me, me and even shook my hand that she would love you and never leave. And look where we are now.” He argued. I shake my head. Nothing made sense. My logical brain was telling me that this spiritual quest for Peyote was wrong. My heart was telling me that I could not give up. “What am I suppose to do?”I asked. Jack looks at me, sighing, “Damn it, Kat. This has started a war amongst your students. You refuse to see that Danielle has lied. She has to you, to me and to everyone. She even lied in front everyone the night she took the ring and accepted your proposal for marriage,” Jack states cracking his neck. I keep shaking my head in disbelief. “Damn you, if anyone can pull off a crazy ass spiritual action -you can.” I bow to the four winds asking for forgiveness. In that moment, Jack hugs me as I begin crying. “I didn’t mean to challenge spirit. However I will not abandon my promise. I took an oath to protect and to watch over those that spirit has given to me. I will not forfeit.”I said. Jack lets me go as he begins to walk around the parking lot then turns to me. “Damn you, Kat. You are the most spiritual person I know. You just got hit really hard in the heart. You need to let Danielle go, however I’ll help you because you won’t back down. You never backed down from keeping any promise. You have always stood by your friends. I have seen it, first hand. It even cost your career at one point when you defended your crew being harassed.”
“Breathe Kat, breathe,” Jack calmly states. “I have failed. I have failed.” I cry. He holds me tighter as the tears run down my cheek. “Kat, you have not failed in my book. I never known any girlfriend or lover willing to risk death to reach someone that they love.” I cry even harder as I look at my friend. The very idea of me trying to hit him was like a gnat trying to knock out an elephant. “Honor begets Honor. I shall not forfeit. I will reach her,” I said. Jack stands up against my van. He has this look of concern yet he knew that I was unwavering. “Honey, you have been honorable. Danielle has not been. This is the Universe telling you that you are ok.” I look at my friend, “There’s will there’s a way. You don’t understand. I couldn’t stand and Sarah died. Her blood is on my hands because I was weak. I will not allow history to repeat. ” I shout. He shakes his head, “Kat, honey, your sister, Sarah died at the hands of your fucked up mother who was a brutal child abusers. She broke your back and that is why you could not stand. When are you going to forgive yourself?” “Why I was just a bastard child they raped,” I reply. “The Kat I know stands up for people, shit even get thrown in a dumpster for standing up for employees.” I started laughing about the dumpster. Jack would bring that up. “Really did you have to bring that up? I hate trash. I am so girly about that” I said. He lights a cigarette, “I do understand. I too promised Danielle to keep you safe. Or do you forget that she threatened me if I didn’t protect you for her to make sure come home to her. I was willing to let you risk death so you can show her that true love is worth fighting for.” I pushed him against my minivan. He grabs me once more. “Kat, you have pulled miracles off before. You have touched so many people’s lives. You just don’t see it. I wish someone would come in and show you that besides us.” I look at my friend, my student. “Me touch lives, really?” How can I be touching lives when the one I love left me because of what I went though? Jack is crazy. Maybe he is right. I don’t know. Jack looks at me, “You need to learn to trust Kat. The Kat I know taught me to read. You yourself said that we as the shamans protect the children of spirit. You have to let go. It’s not the Tao of earth to be as you are right now.” I look at Jack realizing that he was correct. He is using my own teaching to shake me. “So what are you saying friend. That what Danielle and I had was a lie.” I asked. My friend shakes his head. “You need to learn to let someone in - perhaps a family. I wish that my ancestors would hear me and show you how you impact other lives. Danielle left and it was not your doing. It was about her.” I am getting angry again as it feels like we were just going round and round. What an emotional mess and Jack was attempting to help me understand. “What is it with this family you all keep talking about? Okay let’s deal with this because you all are annoying me. What will they do this family?” I ask sarcastically. Jack starts to laugh. “Annoying? Only because you are not listening; you are the one taught us that spirit will keep sending messages ‘til you get it. I know you are partially deaf but damn it, LISTEN.” Jack states. “Okay tell me!” “This family will give you the Ability to laugh and celebrate life. They will embrace you and learn Kat-speak.” I look at him. Jack frustrates me because he was using my very words against me to make a point. “Really Kat-speak, this is fucking frustrating,” “Then listen and stop being stubborn. Have you ever thought that our time is over; that we need to celebrate life and teach others for once? All your life, you have protected; maybe it’s time to retire and live life to its fullest.” I look at him with a stern look, “What can be done now? Have I have fucked shit up?” He shakes his head, looking at me, “No you have not fucked shit up. You are human and experiencing a human event. Oh my god. Don’t you get it? You are not alone, dumb shit. This goes beyond some promise to Danielle. You are fighting your past.” I step back for I knew that what Jack was telling me was the truth. I did not appreciate that he reminded me. “How dare you remind me!” I yell. “I am the only one that can remind you because you know I speak the truth. I am so, so, so sorry that you were tortured and you were abused. However you have to know that you did nothing wrong. Danielle used you. She played your emotions to the tee and for that I hate what she has done to you. She played all of us. It’s called manipulation. ” I look at Jack with anger and disgust. “Whatever!” He grabbed me by the arm. It catches my attention. Jack has never been this stern in what he believed before. “Spirit will show you, I promise you. Just meditate instead. You know you can’t walk away from spirit. Just like the Shamans we cannot hide from our destiny.” I knew that what Jack had said was true. None of this crap made any sense at all. Perhaps the time for meditation was at hand. Fine, for whatever reason I was not allowed to get a hold of peyote. Just maybe in the meditation I might be able to somehow reach Danielle. So much sadness, confusion and devastation was around me. The meditation would happen tonight. The spiritual quest with peyote was a desperate attempt on my part. My mind was so chaotic, filled with sorrow, hope, and confusion. I was beginning to loose myself in all of this mess. I was so focused on reaching Danielle that I did not see things clearly. Nor did I want to see things clearly. My childhood conditioning was overriding my logic.
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