Defining Moments

Turning 40, July 7, 2012
Saundra and her partner Lucky are great examples and role models of a healthy, loving lesbian couple. They are very spiritual and Christian. They found a way to mold their life together and live life with a healthy lifestyle. Saundra is 5’7, with redish auburn hair, Native American. Saundra always has this way of truly listening to spirit. Lucky is 5’2, Hispanic with black peppered hair. Lucky always amazes him how she can hear Gods direction. Their family is amazing in how they work together. Their children are very respectful. They had two children. Reyna is 16, 5’3 in height with auburn hair. Her sister is 7 with black hair. In June 2012, I had begun deepening my friendship with Saundra and her partner Lucky. Saundra was the tarot reader that I had met at the press release party. I had become friends with them on the internet and in real life.

The process of knowing this wonderfull family unit gave me hope in my cloud of sadness that was slowly dissipating. When I began to share aspects of my life and history my mind and soul became terrified of rejection. I was afraid that I would be rejected or laughed at. They didn’t reject me however instead embraced me as a friend and family member which was new to me. The times that I began sharing about my personal self I remember my voice trembling. I kept think oh my god, oh my god, I rather be eating maggots if they reject me. A fear conditioned from my past and with what just happened with Danielle.

In the process of them learning about me, I shared that I decided to do something new for the first time. I was going to celebrate my birthday. Saundra and Lucky said that they wanted to take me to dinner for my birthday. I agreed. Saundra and Lucky asked if I wanted anyone else at the dinner. I remember that I quickly said no and that I just wanted to have dinner with them. Saundra’s reaction of disappoint and wondering why left me to reflect to my real reason that I was hiding. I was afraid to have anyone else around me at the time. My negative inner voice told me that I would be rejected for having endured such sorrow and perceived as weak due to my rawness in my emotions. That reality would be proven wrong. I discovered that other people I knew wanted to invite others to dinner and have me there to celebrate as well. I would only discover that a few months after the fact.

My birthday was always a big deal to me in secret. It was the day of my birth. Turning 40 would be a milestone for me. In the past I had recognized my previous birthdays, however I associated them with the memories of a brutal past. The process of looking at my own self during this grief was difficult. Quickly sometimes and slowly at other times, I was discovering that I placed my life in the role of a victim, lacking self value or understanding what others saw in me. I still cringed when people asked me about my family. In past, I use to say that they were killed in a car accident when I was 17 years old. This was reinforced by local authorities who tried to help me with a new life. The local authorities said that this “lie” of them dying in a car accident would be easier for people to understand then the abuse that I had went through.

In the time that I had grown up which was over 20 years ago, people didn’t possess an understanding of those that had an abusive childhood or survived such an ordeal. Today people are more understanding and not so cruel towards those that have endured such a trauma. I decided that I would no longer hide the truth about what my family had done to me. I would no longer hide who I am. Connecting to this truth made it real. I was and am a survivor. The sorrow of my heart opened the doorway to that reality. The process of sharing my grief has been difficult because my human response based on prior negative reactions dictated that I was different. While most people worried about what to wear for the day. I wondered if I will speak English correctly? Would I be judged for what I went through or do the clothes that I wear match? Would the next woman do the same thing as Danielle? I still had the habit of once I wear something even for an hour, I have to wash it immediately. If I get a fleck of dirt on my clothing I started to get anxious because I wonder if others will see it.

My anxiousness came from childhood when I was forced to wear urine stained clothes to school. Children use to make fun of my clothes. I even have a fear of glasses. When I was a child, other school children took my glasses and broke them into my face. Once, the mean children took a pencil and jabbed into my hand chanting,

“Stinky winky.” I am coming to realize that as I am a beautiful woman.

One night prior to my 40^th birthday, I began wondering why Danielle and I were no longer a match. The why eluded me and didnt seem to process in my brain. I felt like I was having a short circuit in my brain about it all. I decided to ask my friend Saundra. She explained it so clearly to me that it was an epiphany. The relationship with Daniel awoken me to who I was. In the process I began to rise. Daniel was an emotional fixer upper. In the process I was no longer on the same page as Danielle. This created a divide between us. Saundra’s explaination answered my why at the time. I was like I wish somebody had sent me a fax back when I was depressed. Hello. I did not understand that when I was involved with Danielle. I instinctively went to “What did I do wrong? Why couldn’t I be loved?” in my head.

Suddenly it hit me. I was good enough to love. I just grown to a point that Danielle and I were no longer on the same page and leaving me with the words “give me time and space” was Danielle’s only way out. Granted Danielle went about it poorly. The intention though is understood. I finally understood. I am blessed by this one family that spirit put onto my path. It would turn out to be the family that I had wanted since I was a child and often prayed that one could have. They are the embodiment of a manifestation for a true family. I have learned that blood does not make a family. It is the connection of people, and a community that makes a family. It’s amazing to me their level of depth and inspiration into the beauty that life has to offer. There is a strength in the challenge that we face. Will we allow it to defeat us or help us grow?

There was a time that I was deeply hurt by Danielle choosing to be with someone else. Today I know that Danielle was the lesson I needed to learn. At the time I was devastated by Danielle leaving me. In its aftermath ashes were left of that dream that could have been. A prayer that she herself proclaimed to me and my inner circle of friends that I was the answer to her prayer to the universe of being her true love. There will always be a part of me that will love the person Danielle however not her actions. We love each person differently. In the process that person will always have a part of us. There were good times that I shall not forget. I always remembered how she use to look at me when I made her smile and how she called me “her wife” during the moments of highest orgasmic intimacy.

I cannot say if the universe will honor my life with the presence of another partner, a woman loving and honorable. I have dreams that she is near. I have come to understand what I am meant to do. I will stand in the light, and give hope to others that have been through the same situation as me. I know when I gave up on hope that the universe showed me hope through a family of Sandra and Lucky.
On July 6^th, 2012 Ms. Kay, and Anne asked me to come over to their house. They told me that their dog was sick and needed to see me. I was not sure what to think of that. I went over to the house. They had thrown a surprise two person party to celebrate my birthday. It was sweet and enduring. There was a helium balloon there that said Happy birthday. There was a snack tray of cheese and crackers. We talked into the hours of the night about how great it was to see me finally starting to celebrate life. I was overjoyed by this surprise. It was unexpected. It was the beginning of a life to celebrate.

On July 7^th, 2012 I spent the night with Saundra and Lucky and their family celebrating my 40^th. I opened this gorgeous present. It was a flute. Inside my being I knew instantly that my life had come full circle. It was a message from the Divine Spirit of how to play and celebrate life.

The flute triggered my reflection on the signifance of wolves, and how I am here today to celebrate life. The flute that they gave me means the universe to me. At the time, I only explained the partial significance of the flute as I didn’t want to go into the brutality of what I was remembering. Inside I was crying because now I can celebrate with the music of life and I had a flute to do it.

What I am about to share led to my spirituality in wolves and music. In April of 1977, I was five years old, My mother brought home a white wolf. Kendra said,

“I want you to learn to play with this wolf”

For four months I played with this white wolf. I called him “Wolfee”. He was beautiful with white fur and gorgeous mesmorizing blue eyes. I loved this wolf. I thought wow maybe all this darkness was just a phase and it will pass. They say you don’t remember events when you are five. I did because of the traumatic events Kendra had put me through.

I use to play with Wolfee by pretending that I was an artist playing a flute. I would tell Wolfee,

“Don’t listen to Kendra, she is sad and angry. Listen to my flute. Spirit will protect us,”

JULY 7, 1977 came. I had just turned five years old. I was yanked out of the closet that I was forced to live in. It was a small closet. There was no bed or bedding. I had learned how to slow my body down during the cold weather so I would not freeze.

Kendra shackled me with black chains to my arms and legs as I was crying

“What did I do wrong?”

“You lived is what you did wrong?”

Kendra had the white wolf in the living room. She pulled out her machete and Cyd, her sister held the wolf down as she cut his throat. I still remember the blood curled howls of the wolf. She skinned the wolf alive placing his coat on my five year old body. I cried for my friend that was butchered.

“Why why he was my friend,”

“Know this bastard bitch for everything you love I shall kill.” Kendra Said.

“Why?”

“So when you become an adult you will realize that no one will love you. They will throw you away like trash. People are like that. They are selfish. It’s all about power.”

For seven days I was locked in the closet with the decaying carcass of my friend. The white wolf I called “Wolfee”. I remember praying,

“my lord who art in heaven forgive me, for my life causedthis wolf’s death, my friend. Please forgive me. If you allow me to live, I swear I will protect the lives Of others even at the cost of my life. I walk through the valley of the shadow of Death, I hear no evil, and I see no evil. I only see the white light,”

I cried silently in the night for years to come. I would never forget this wolf butchered at the hands of my own mother.

Four years later, when I was nine years old, I was in a music class. The instructor was called Ms. Music. I wanted to learn the flute. On the third day I had to stay after class. Ms Music took the flute away from me.

“You cannot play the flute or be in my class.” She stated sternly.

“Why?” I asked confused.

“Because you are different and you really need to talk to your mother about coming to school with dirty clothes.” She stated.

“But you don’t understand” I exclaimed.

“I do. Perhaps if you obeyed your mother, I would not be taking this away from you” she said.

I remember looking at this instructor saying very profoundly,

“You may take the flute. However Wolfee will never die in me. I promise you I will become someone, an artist that people will look up to and the music I will play will be beautiful.”

Ms. Music looks at me very sternly.

“Life is only meant for children that are popular, that obey, and that are not different.”

I left that class crying. I remember being sent to the principal’s office and I was not paying attention. A door opens at Liberence Elementary and literally had the wind knocked out of me. I was on the ground when this teacher bends down, reaching out to me to help me up. I made a vow to myself from that point on. I would never turn anyone away in my life that was different. This instructor never knew what was happening at home. She thought that because of my clothes were dirty that I was a reject. She never knew that if I had told her the truth that she would have been killed like my first mentor Marianne. Kendra killed here when I told her what was happening or what happened to Lana my first grade teacher. Kendra went to Lana’s home when she was on vacation and took her Saint Bernard. Lana kept asking questions about my home to Kendra. Kendra sent a message back when Lana returned home. Lana opened her door the heart of her St. Bernard was on her doorstep.

The flute that was given to me for my 40^th birthday was a sign from the universe. I was loved. Wolfee remembered. The spirit of wolfee utilized my friends to tell me that my music would play on. It was a sign that my friend the great white wolf, Wolfee, had never forgotten me.I am meant to live this life with celebration and honor. Little did they know that they had tapped into the very core a child that wanted to cry and say thank you for remembering me. It also reminded me that the reason I lived was to help others. The flute sits now on my shelf of new life events of love. My 40^th birthday was my 1^st celebration of my birth and the best. I look forward to many more years to come in celebrating. Thank you Voice of Reason and Anne for the night before. The surprise was great. Thank you Saundra and Lucky for spending time and celebrating my 40^th. I am blessed.

I shall never forget my 40^th birthday. To this day I still have the presents that was given including the carnation. Suandra and Lucky gave me a carnation for my 40^th birthday.