Defining Moments

CHRISTMAS 2011
Dec. 25, 2011: Journal Entry

This year will be different, dearest Journal. Christmas has been a memorable moment with Daniele because it changed how I felt towards this holiday at the time. Finally I can spend a holiday with the love of my life.

I always avoided Christmas, journal. It always had been a horrible experience for me in my past. I was raised in a very dysfunctional and abusive home where I was tortured, raped, beaten and my bones broken. During the holidays I was abused more because my mother Kendra said I needed to be taught a lesson. Kendra’s lesson was that I was unworthy of love and did not deserve holidays. I was the only child in my generation to have survived such an ordeal. I feared Christmas because of the memories. Most significantly Christmas reminded me of Sarah, my murdered sister. By the time I had truly remembered Sarah’s death, Kendra; my mother had passed away from Ovarian Cancer. No punishment could be charged to Kendra as she was deceased.

On December 25^th, 1979 I had written a letter to Santa Claus. In the letter I had asked Santa Claus for a gift. I did not want a toy. I wanted Santa to tell someone about what was happening to my sister, Sarah and me. I had hoped that someone would rescue us. I was so happy. I thought that someone would finally hear me and rescue us.

On the morning of December 25, 1979 I had received a bloodied bag that had a tag from Santa Claus. Inside the bloodied bag was the decapitated head of my sister, Sarah. I threw up at the sight of Sarah’s head. I was mortified that my letter might have killed my sister.

I was seven years old. Kendra my mother said that it was a teaching tale to not tell anyone about the abuse that was going on in our home. The abuse was foul like sulfur that had permeated the very air that one breathes.

I told Danielle what happened to Sarah. Danielle upset about what I had suffered. I shared with her the poem ROJO which described Sarah’s death in detail. The poem ROJO can found in my book on Kindle entitled: Tabula Rasa Mee Nah: Extraordinary Measures. Every holiday, and birthday the family found some new way to torture me or to kill an animal. It was their way of trying to break my soul, and my spirit. I feared holidays. I would always have nightmares prior to them coming around. I would relive the memories of what I went through.
Danielle seemed doubtful at first of what I went through due to the extremity of abuse. Danielle met with my friends and spoke with Andy, my brother, who confirmed to her what I had gone through. Danielle said that she was going to show me a new experience of Christmas. She said that everyone should have a new experience. She said that what I went through was horrible. Danielle wanted showed me it was okay to celebrate Christmas. She was going to have me celebrate this holiday with her family now my family because we were soul mates and were engaged to be married.

Christmas was approaching and I had looked all over for a Christmas present for Danielle. I couldn’t decide what to get her. At the last minute I decided to give her my laptop, a Toshiba Satellite computer. I knew that Danielle never had one of her own before and from experience I knew what it felt like to not have things that others had. My child hood experience showed me that.

You would have laughed if you had seen me trying to wrap Danielle’s Christmas present on Christmas day. After much clumsiness, I called my friend Jelly. We always called her Jelly because her advice had always seemed to stick with us like jelly to peanut butter. Jelly chuckled as she gave me instructions over the cell phone on how to wrap a present.

“Do you need me to come over there and show you?” Jelly asks.

“No just walk me through it like you are teaching someone how to make a Famous star burger at work.”

Jelly laughs as I wrap the present. I tried to find scotch tape and put it all nice and neat. After wrapping the present I decided to write Danielle a love letter to go with the gift.

The letter read:

“My dearest Danielle,

You are without a doubt the best gift I have ever received in this life that I have lived. Thank you for all that you do, and all that you are. Thank you for loving me. I am so in love and will love you and honor you and all that you are along with your family, your birdie, and your cat to the end of time. I know that we don’t always have the private time that we would like with one another. Know that I shall wait for you to the end of time because it does not matter if I have 30 seconds or two hours with you. I am blessed.

The only gift I could ever ask for in life is to walk by your side and to be with you and be in your life, loving you.

All the evil I have seen all the death I have seen has been worth the experience because I found you. I want you to know that I shall be a rock that never cracks and I will be here when you need someone to talk with, to yell at, and to breathe fire. I am here for you. I am yours forever.

This laptop is special. It is the best laptop that I have had and taken care of. It is fully loaded with the programs. I am waiting on the internet and when I get that I will give it to you. Then you will be able to go online. I have a 2 year contract with clear for both of the laptops. Now you can have your “Danielle” private moments on the laptop. I said it would change your life because having a laptop has been such a great gift to me. This laptop is sturdy and is the best of the best when I got it. I wanted to give you something that meant a lot to me to give to you and it was this laptop.

Know that you are so special to me; you are so amazing in all that you do. I want you to be happy and smile knowing that I love and want you to be proud of me. The greatest joy to me is “to please you in all ways” wink!!

I know that I am hard to understand at times. Just know that you are the only one that has ever caught my attention and thank you for giving me new experiences and opening your family, your heart and soul to me. Know that we have the greatest journey ahead of us. Thank you for asking me to be a part of your life and family and for saying yes to the engagement rings. Thank you for your soul words. I love you so dearly. You once said that I amaze you how I love you. My beloved it is you that amaze me at how you love me. I will arrange time and space for you just so you can smile, dropping rose pedals at your feet so that for every breath you take you know that you are loved by me.

Thank you. I love you dearly.

Your soul mate and love,

KAT

12.25.2011”

Danielle sits on the black couch looking at the laptop in amazement. Her eyes gleam with excitement. I had placed accessories into the laptop bag. I may not be wealthy however; I worked overtime to ensure that Danielle had the things that she wanted. There was much joy in my soul that I wanted to cry. The moment was precious in the feeling, the love and the joy. Danielle was so amazing on how she treated me and loved me.

In looking back, there was a moment that didn’t seem right to me. It felt very wrong and went beyond not introducing me to the family. In the moment, I passed it off as my insecurity in my relationship and that I just needed to believe. I should have listened to my instincts. It was a moment of puzzlement when Danielle’s mother called. Danielle told bragged to her mother that she had just bought a laptop, the one that I had just given her for Christmas. The feeling of rejection went to the very core of being because I am the one that just gave her the gift. Why would Danielle not tell her mother that she received a lap top from her girlfriend, her finance? I tried to understand. Danielle hangs up the phone with her mother seeing the look in my eyes.

“Why did you lie to your mother? I’m the one that gave you the gift. Are you ashamed of me?” I asked.

Danielle comes over to me,

“ Honey, I don’t want the family to know about you yet. “

“When Danielle? I understand that when we first got together that you wanted to slowly introduce me to the family as your girlfriend.” I said.

“We’ve had this talk before. You know that I was just out of a relationship with Donna. I didn’t want my family to judge me. You don’t understand Mexican families,” Danielle quipped.

I look away, sighing,

“I understand because I know how people can be judgmental. However, you wear our engagement rings. We are to be married. You told people that you loved me,” I stated.

Danielle kisses me,

“You know I love you, and yes you are my wife and we are going to have a ceremony in front of people. Just wait here,” Danielle stated as she went to her bedroom. She came out with a gift for me.

“I don’t think you should open the present here in front of the children. You can peak however it’s for a special time,” Danielle smiled.

Inside the box was black, laced, sexy lingerie. The way Danielle looked at me when I took the gift off to the side and peaked was a mischievous child. A huge smile came over me as I went to hug Danielle as she whispers into my ear,

“Now you can wear it the next time we have a private moment. We can really play and I’ll show you how much I really love you.”

The gift put my doubt to ease as I told myself that my mind was playing tricks on me. Danielle did love me. She just had to say that to placate her mother who Danielle said was overbearing. The rest of the evening was filled with drinks as I watched Danielle cook a duck dinner. It was a feast like no other. My dreams of family were here now and I am truly blessed. For the first time I had a Christmas with family. Just a week prior, Danielle invited me to come over as the children show me how to put lights on a Christmas tree. I had never done that before. Today I have the most wonderful girlfriend and finance to be. I was blessed. Thank you to the greatest powers that be for this wonderful experience of knowing what Christmas meant.

Christmas would be the last time that Danielle and I were ever intimate together. I look back upon the situation asking myself if there was a reason that Danielle didn’t want me to come over in the morning of Christmas 2011 as we had planned. Did she have the other woman there first in the morning and I was a side bar? I find myself taking a deep breath knowing now that I was a side bar entrée. The truth was that Danielle didn’t want her family to know because I was the other woman. I had blown off the incident with the laptop because I thought Danielle wouldn’t hurt me like that. She promised me that she would never hurt me. I had wanted to believe her so badly that I blinded myself to the truth that was in front of me. I utilized the evidence of our engagement, the rings, the car and the way she talked of how she loved me to validate that our relationship was solid.

In the beginning when I was writing this memoir, I wished Danielle had not thrown me away so easily. If my friend Bryan was alive today, he would have said something similar.

“We cannot fight the battle of what if. What we can do is fight to be honorable and pray that we have touched but one life so no one forgets who we were.”

Today I realize it was never about Danielle throwing me away. It was about a delicate game of using and manipulation. Danielle was using me to get what she wanted in her life and she knew that I would do it because of my love for her. At the time, I was blinded by her actions because I wanted so desperately to be loved that I was willing to accept any form of abuse by her just so I can say that I have a great girlfriend.