Defining Moments

The next day the facilitator for Black Women Unite wrote me.

“You know you did it when you still feel it, thank you can't wait to work with you again,” Tara wrote.

I smile because it was great to be recognized for my work.

“Yes that is so true. I am truly honored what you do. I am really happy that you loved my piece” I typed back.

“Keep up the good work,” Tara wrote.

It was a great honor to have read my poetry in front of all of these women. It was amazing. I remember that I loved standing in front of the people and talking my words and bringing them to life. I was saddened that Saundra and Lucky could not make it. Unfornately the venue was located at a bar. They could not bring their daughter. I was angry at the venue however I understood.

I started to clean my apartment and rearrange things. I found the clothing that Danielle had left behind in the apartment. Danielle kept a change of clothing there including her underwear when she would spend the night there. Danielle told me that she wanted the clothing there in case she needed to change. There was a slight trace of sadness as I remember how beautiful she was and how she would smile at me when I read her my poetry. I realized that my time was gone.

Just one year ago, I was pondering how I was going to put Black Panther Rising together into a book. I did not believe in love or that I could ever feel true love as I had never felt that kind of passion before. Danielle showed me that I could love another person deeply. Now a year later I found myself healing from a broken heart, growing, loving and developing. It was not just a broken heart however it was a soul scar. It was never about Danielle moving on with someone else. It was about me finding my voice, my core and my womanhood of acceptance and self love and value. I was no longer living the role of a victim.

I am angry at Danielle’s empty promise to have hope. How Danielle went about it with her behavior was wrong. It tears me apart each day as I thought about how I was rejected. I replayed key events from the relationship that we had spent together. I would replay how Danielle placed the engagement ring on my finger on her porch. I remembered how she said I was amazing at how I loved her. I will not hate Danielle. I have forgiven her as I have forgiven myself for allowing her to hurt me.

THE SEEDS OF HERSTORY

By: Katherine Symthe

© June 13, 2012

For Black Women Unite

From The book:

LETTERS TO THE UNIVERSE:

Memoir of the Heart
Within the aires and fires of that which is marked HISTORY.

Layest the chains that have scarred our souls,

A journey that all begins within the womb,

YET within the measurements of these chains,

WOMYN still had to define her path, her ways, her sexuality, her survival, even her own children.

Who are we if we are but a measurement of our words, the way we love, with whom we love,

DEFINED by the color of our skin, our status, our image, our ways,
WHERE IS OUR VOICE? THE VOICE OF WOMYN?
The nights we have cried ourselves to sleep,

The days we have looked into the mirror asking,

“AM I ENOUGH? CAN I BE ENOUGH? CAN I BE ACCEPTED? CAN I BE LOVED?”
Societal constraints have long defined our role. I say onto thee,
RISE UP CHILD NOW, WOMYN THOU ART IN THE MIRROR,
Become the sheth of words that look upon you,

DUST the ashes off of you,

STAND UP for this IS OUR TIME,
WOMYN you are the light from whence the darkness once shackled you, bearing a soul scar, so deep, so riveting so full of passion,
HISTORY LEGACY shall be born now in YOU, beautiful women for we are the seeds of HERSTORY,
RISE UP, NOT DIVIDED

BUT WITH ONE VOICE WE SHALL CRY OUT….

JOURNAL TO THE UNIVERSE 2
Ever experience a car accident where a beloved family member died? My life everyday felt like that where I survived however side swiped. Nothing that I could do could change the outcome. Everyday I kept journaling my thoughts and feelings in hopes of finding some answer that seemed to allude me. For a while, I stayed and kept to myself out of embrassement. I was embrassed that I was thrown away like trash to the curb. I was ashamed of the memories of my mother and childhood events that kept resurfacing.

Everyday I deluded myself into thinking that I was happy and at a great job for the Star Restaurant. I thought that if I said it enough times that I would believe my own lie. Instead I was only masking my pain. I decided to put a wall up so that no one could see how much pain that I was in.

Reading my poem in front of all those people that gave a standing ovation gave me an inside hope that my internal pain might end soon. Ok, Kat. What do I do now? How do I get back up? Hard to answer that when I didn’t know myself.

My obsession over why Danielle rejected me consumed my thoughts and feelings. My sorrow was so intense that I wanted to give up on life. I was determined to find out why in hopes that I would not repeat the same mistake as a reject, a piece of trash and seen as a pathethic woman. These thoughts were fueled by my memories and really went to my mother. Why did she hurt me?

One could easily say,

“Get the fuck over it, Kat.”

Hard to say that to someone like me that has lost everything in my lifetime. My family were dysfunctional. My friends in the past only took advantage of me for the things that I could get them. Other friends laughed because of things I did not know because I had to teach myself. Now to top it off my relationship, and marriage to be was a lie.

I wonder what new experiences lie ahead.

June 16, 2012:

The process of writing this memoir has been deeply personal to me. To write about it seems to open my eyes further into my soul, sadness and things that I have not seen before.

Last night there was lightning and I found myself emotional. I actually began crying. I remembered the first time I ever showed Danielle the beauty of lighting and how she referred to it as orgasmic. Danielle even told my brother in Australia how the lighting made her orgasmic as she thought of me and being with me.

Danielle now feels like a lifetime ago to me. A time that I was naïve to think that true love exist. To think that I found true love was a joke for it doesn’t exist. A part of me feels like a stupid idiot for believing her and the love we both shared. A part of me is saddened that she did not tell me the truth.

I remember the night she told me I was her sanctuary. A road hard to endure as I look to the lives surrounding me and they have love. There are people that have families to come home to. I have an adorable cat called MR. SKY(his real name).

PERSONAL NOTE JUNE 18^th, 2012

My dance instructor Gina was right.

“The process of grieving and the authentic journey to ourselves is a bitch. However it’s a process that is well worth it. You will emerge as a woman that Runs with wolves”

Gina was referencing the book, “Women Who Run with Wolves”.

JUNE 19, 2912:

There is something on the horizon. I cannot seem to put my finger on it. I can feel it deep in my soul. A change so great that it will forever change the course of who I am. I am worried and nervous spirit. Soon I will be 40 and I wonder what lies ahead in my life. Will my life have meant something to someone? The reality is I am me. I feel like a baby butterfly that is emerging from a cocoon.

I sit here outside at a table at my Star Restaurant. I know and see that I have. I began to pray,

“My father who art in heaven, that is spirit around me. I will not ask for A romantic relationship as it seems I am not meant for that. However guide me to help others grow in their spiritual lives. Perhaps if you could find it in your grace to someday have a family I would be honored.”

I opened my eyes and in the distance there was a thunderstorm. It was so beautiful with its rain coming down. I wished for a moment that I could be playing in the rain to have fun and know what it means to celebrate the little nuances of life. Today is another opportunity, another day I shall live with honor.

PERSONAL NOTE JUNE 19^th, 2012:

Soon I will be 40 years old.

I sit at this table outside of work on break. This job is souless. I feel the wind on my face, the very motion of the wind and smile. There is a strong air of change. I know that I am not welcomed at this job that I returned to. I returned because it was what I knew. It is a matter of time before I leave to my real destiny. A woman walks by wearing a blue necklace and I remembered the time that I gave Danielle a sapphire necklace for our second month anniversary.

She looked at me and said,

“Honey people only celebrate stuff like this when it’s a year.”

I remember my response,

“Every day should be a celebration. Not just a year,” I responded

“Why?” Danielle asked.

“Because when you have seen what I have seen, you will learn that

A rose blooming is beautiful.”

Tonight I will go home do dishes, laundry, and feed my cat Mr. Sky. PERSONAL NOTE JUNE 20^th, 2012

Earlier in the evening I had coffee with my friend that I call the voice of reason. I call her that because she has really helps me understand about the hidden things about people.

“Danielle was a user Kat” she said.

Every time I heard that makes my skin crawl. It chides at me because I know that what she speaks is true. I respond with,

“I wonder if Danielle knew that I worked 100 hours a week to buy my car so she could have mine? That I took on a G.M. that called me a stupid bitch for loving a woman? Or I tried to go on a spiritual quest to show her that true love is possible?”

She shakes her head,

“No Kat she doesn’t nor did she care. She didn’t even call you back

when you called her during the fire at your place.”

I sighed as I lit my cigarette.

“I know Kat that you want to believe in the goodness of people. That

you don’t understand that there is still cruelty. You believe when others don’t. She was a user.”

I look at my wise friend,

“I know. I will not stop believing in people - just Danielle. There is

hope for people. I know this.”

We hug each other and continue talking for another two hours.

JUNE 22, 2012:

Tonight, I watched the sunset as I felt this warmth in my heart and soul. What journey lies ahed? . We all have a story, a voice. Someone will one day ready my story and perhaps in some way they will see that they are not alone. Never judge a book by its cover. So many people look at me and judge me. I reflect upon that night Danielle made the manifestation that I create a legacy. She never specified to the universe how to create that legacy.

Time has a way of leaving behind ashes. My journal entries to the universe began to stop as life seemed to continue for me. My new developing friendship with Lucky and Saundra began to bring sunlight into my cloud of despair. Their experiencing of life as a celebration and creating new memories inspired hope.

Saundra’s challenge that I was not different opened my eyes that there were others like me out there and that I wasn’t alone. Lucky and Saundra began to show me a genuine circle of friends, mentoring me on a day to day basis of interaction and that I was safe. No one had ever done that for me before. I perceived myself at the time as a challenging student and friend because I didn’t get things real quick. My understanding was challenged by my conditioning. Lucky and Saundra’s patience, unconditional love as my best friends awakened me to living life. Misconceptions would occasionally arise from others that didn’t have an inside understanding of the situation. People were not acostumed to having met someone like me. However at the end of the day, understanding would prevail.

My best friends Lucky and Saundra continue to bless me and I am honored.

ANOTHER LETTER
July has arrived and in just five days, I will turn 40. Feeling compelled to try and once again let go of my pain of Danielle.

Dearest Danielle,

Today is July 2, 2012. Strange times, Danielle. I’ll never truly know why you left the way you did. I’ll never know why you never told me in person that you were with your current girlfriend. I will never know why to this day why you won’t talk to me or deny that you ever loved me. That shall be left to the universe. You made think that I was nothing because your new girlfriend had family. I loved you like no other. You took vows with me yet denied me in front of your family. I forgive you. Most importantly, I forgive myself for allowing you to hurt me and giving you permission to hurt me.

In the process of the heart break you gave me, I looked at my own self and what I went through as a child. “Dust to Dust, Ashes to Ashes”. I use to hear that when the family I was raised particularly when I was buried alive then re-dug me up. If this had never happened between us I would have never found the people that are now in my life showing me the greatest experience of all….life!!!

I highly doubt that you and I will ever see one another ever again.You have made it quite clear that having anything to do with me is offensive as the smell of a skunk is to smell. In your eyes I was offensive for not having family, or money or being the golden egg of the moment.

I will not apologize for me. I will tell you that I loved you like no other woman I have ever loved. I shared you my past, what I went through. You betrayed that trust , that sacred line of honor by dishonor in your behavior. You have been taught in previous relationships of those that cheated on you, that mistreated you. That is what you perceive to be correct. INamaste,

KATHERINE SYMTHE

AN AWAKENING
There comes a point in your life when you face a moment of reality, an ephimeny and awakening. You stare into that singular event horizon, head on. You know that your life has changed. It’s a point of no return. No matter what happens, your life has been impacted by this one event. This is the catalyst of change. The moment of clarity that arises is not a moment of “Aha I got it.” It’s an ephimeny, a moment of self realization that becomes so crystal clear to the point of intoxication. I knew that I had begun to let go of Danielle in my heart. There are still parts of me that are sore and wounded. I am healing slowly. My realization was setting in that my relationship with Danielle was over. I began to accept it. I had been so absorbed into this relationship that I never thought about me. Slowly I have began to realize that I had utilized the relationship to validate my own existence. I thought that by having Danielle at my side that I was worthy of love.

I was still that little girl being raped and abused seeking any way to please someone. I did want to be thrown away or abused. In many ways, I had lost a sense of my own identity. Did I really have an identity? The answer was no! I had conformed my identity to what others had wanted and expected. This type of conformity is called a people pleaser. The real question was directed at my very core. Who am I? The time for me to find out was now.

I was ready for the first time in my life to explore who I was. Iam willing to do the work. I knew the road ahead was going to be emotional. The road to the authentic self is always challenging because you are looking into yourself and owning it. You make the change. I knew what I wanted to be. I just did not understand all the workings of how to become that woman. I had based everything in my life on my old negative mind tapes and previous experiences. It was time for a change. It was time for new tapes to be played. It was time to embrace my destiny as a woman and spiritual soul.

My writing began to give me revelations as an artist and a woman. The moment that I read my poetry at Black Women Unite brought peace to my soul. I felt like I had come home. The ability to bring my passion to the stage, and to an open MIC revitalized my soul. It was a turning point for me connecting to the audience with the words that I wrote and spoke. Black Women Unite gave me an opportunity to begin the healing process. I realized in that moment of clarity how my writing needed to continue. The writing of my past showed me the journey to come.

In the past I wrote two best selling kindle books. Firesides was my first book. Fireseeds was actually part of a series called Black Panther Rising. It was meant to be a series of mini novellas. I had based the love relationship of the two main, archetype female characters on Danielle and I. When Danielle left I lost inspiration to finish the series. I did write the third installment to the series called On Hallowed Ground however never released that book or any other installments thereafter. I could not continue to Waller in the mire of the sadness that had overcome my heart. Black Panther Rising became my art, my fire to the ideology of true love. I became an international bestselling author. The book became an instant must read.

My second kindle book, Tabula Rasa Mee Nah: Extraordinary Measures, really embraced all my poetry over the years. Tabula Rasa awakened the inner voice to my soul in a public arena. The preface of the book was dedicated to Danielle by calling it extraordinary measures. I thought at the time that dedicating a book of my deepest passion in poetry would show Danielle how much I loved her. I wanted to give her something so extraordinary as she had done with her loving me. It is a sacred when a writer dedicates a book to someone. This very act was actually a people pleasing measure.

I always utilized my personal life experiences as a source of inspiration for my writing. There have always been challenges. When I was in middle school, during the 19080’s, I wrote a story called The Reign of Terror. The Reign of Terror was written for my English class. It was a fantasy story where I used the characters to tell my story of abuse. In the book it was about a child that was chained to a closet and abused by her mother. The child discovered that she had special gifts and would rise to become the leader of the Sil’nce clan to overcome the brutal dictators of the land. I was suspended for a day by my middle school instructor Ms. Outz. She took the only copy that I had of the book and shredded it.

“You cannot write about such evils child” Ms. Outz said.

I remember my response very clearly as I couldn’t understand why I was getting trouble for writing about something that I knew existed. In many ways, it was my plea for help that someone would rescue me.

“I wrote about what has happened to me. I just used the Characters to tell it” I said.

I remember my face stinging. Ms. Outz fiercely slaps me across my face. I was stunned by what happened.

“Don’t you ever speak badly about a teacher. She is your mother,” Ms. Outz said.

I back up holding back my tears for I really respected Ms. Outz. She turned on me like they did. When will it ever end?

“No she is not. No mother would sell her daughter to men,” I respond.

“God does not tolerate children misbehaving,” Ms. Outz replies rhetorically to me.

“Thou shall not kill is one of Gods commandments. Yet she killed my sister. I’m telling you the truth and you won’t help” I said.

“Do you have the bones to prove it?” Ms. Outz asks.

“No, she used lime to dispose of the bones and the rest she fedTo the dogs or sold to the dog food company” I reply.

Ms. Outz looks at me taking what I had written shredding the 60 pages. She smiles,

“Your writing disgusts me. No one rapes their children. Let this be a lesson to you. Your voice shall never be heard” Ms. Outz.

I begin crying.

“You better cry and pray for forgiveness for speaking against a teacher. You’re lucky I’m not going to report this to your mother. Instead, you’ll after school in detention for two weeks.” Ms. Outz says.

“Doing what?” I ask crying.

“You’re going to write an essay everyday about how children are to be seen and not heard. You’ll write how you shall be obedient and not disrespect your mother. And write how your voice shall never be heard.” She responded.

Even when I told someone to rescue me, I was laughed at and slapped. What a dim a reality I was living.

Ms. Outz was wrong. My voice was heard. My voice is heard. I understand that she destroyed the book that I was writing out of fear, and at the time such abuse was not believed. I do not condone the behavior. Ms. Outz perpetuated the belief system that I was nothing by ignoring my cries for help. Today I write this memoir sharing how I endured a past of cruelty and lived to tell about it. I may have blocked the emotions for all these generations. Today I embrace my emotional wholeness with honor.

Writing is my passion. Every child has a mechanism that they use to survive abuse. Some child will paint. Some children will become angry. I used writing as an outlet to dream of a better future. A part of me hoped that perhaps one day I could write a real family for myself. I wanted a family that would not hurt me or make fun of me. A family that would love me for me. A family that would love to talk with me and interact with me. That dream would come true.

Today children are coming forward with their testimonies of what they went through as survivors of abuse. We live in a time now that such cruelties to children are meant with compassion and not mockery. Those of us that have endured such evils do not have to hide what we went through. I do not have to be ashamed or afraid that I will be made fun of. I am honored that I did not give up my writing or burn any of the journals over the years. I decided that I needed to take steps of first experiences. It was time for me to step out of the shadows. I cannot wait for others to provide the opportune moment. It was time to take my life into my own hands and live the authentic journey.

I needed to take the first step and make the change. There was still a loss of how and where to begin. I felt like a newborn child learning life all over again at the age of 40. I decided to start with myself. I was going to celebrate my 40^th birthday. I truly thought it was going to be scary because I was afraid that I was going to be alone.

Turning 40, July 7, 2012
Saundra and her partner Lucky are great examples and role models of a healthy, loving lesbian couple. They are very spiritual and Christian. They found a way to mold their life together and live life with a healthy lifestyle. Saundra is 5’7, with redish auburn hair, Native American. Saundra always has this way of truly listening to spirit. Lucky is 5’2, Hispanic with black peppered hair. Lucky always amazes him how she can hear Gods direction. Their family is amazing in how they work together. Their children are very respectful. They had two children. Reyna is 16, 5’3 in height with auburn hair. Her sister is 7 with black hair. In June 2012, I had begun deepening my friendship with Saundra and her partner Lucky. Saundra was the tarot reader that I had met at the press release party. I had become friends with them on the internet and in real life.

The process of knowing this wonderfull family unit gave me hope in my cloud of sadness that was slowly dissipating. When I began to share aspects of my life and history my mind and soul became terrified of rejection. I was afraid that I would be rejected or laughed at. They didn’t reject me however instead embraced me as a friend and family member which was new to me. The times that I began sharing about my personal self I remember my voice trembling. I kept think oh my god, oh my god, I rather be eating maggots if they reject me. A fear conditioned from my past and with what just happened with Danielle.

In the process of them learning about me, I shared that I decided to do something new for the first time. I was going to celebrate my birthday. Saundra and Lucky said that they wanted to take me to dinner for my birthday. I agreed. Saundra and Lucky asked if I wanted anyone else at the dinner. I remember that I quickly said no and that I just wanted to have dinner with them. Saundra’s reaction of disappoint and wondering why left me to reflect to my real reason that I was hiding. I was afraid to have anyone else around me at the time. My negative inner voice told me that I would be rejected for having endured such sorrow and perceived as weak due to my rawness in my emotions. That reality would be proven wrong. I discovered that other people I knew wanted to invite others to dinner and have me there to celebrate as well. I would only discover that a few months after the fact.

My birthday was always a big deal to me in secret. It was the day of my birth. Turning 40 would be a milestone for me. In the past I had recognized my previous birthdays, however I associated them with the memories of a brutal past. The process of looking at my own self during this grief was difficult. Quickly sometimes and slowly at other times, I was discovering that I placed my life in the role of a victim, lacking self value or understanding what others saw in me. I still cringed when people asked me about my family. In past, I use to say that they were killed in a car accident when I was 17 years old. This was reinforced by local authorities who tried to help me with a new life. The local authorities said that this “lie” of them dying in a car accident would be easier for people to understand then the abuse that I had went through.

In the time that I had grown up which was over 20 years ago, people didn’t possess an understanding of those that had an abusive childhood or survived such an ordeal. Today people are more understanding and not so cruel towards those that have endured such a trauma. I decided that I would no longer hide the truth about what my family had done to me. I would no longer hide who I am. Connecting to this truth made it real. I was and am a survivor. The sorrow of my heart opened the doorway to that reality. The process of sharing my grief has been difficult because my human response based on prior negative reactions dictated that I was different. While most people worried about what to wear for the day. I wondered if I will speak English correctly? Would I be judged for what I went through or do the clothes that I wear match? Would the next woman do the same thing as Danielle? I still had the habit of once I wear something even for an hour, I have to wash it immediately. If I get a fleck of dirt on my clothing I started to get anxious because I wonder if others will see it.

My anxiousness came from childhood when I was forced to wear urine stained clothes to school. Children use to make fun of my clothes. I even have a fear of glasses. When I was a child, other school children took my glasses and broke them into my face. Once, the mean children took a pencil and jabbed into my hand chanting,

“Stinky winky.” I am coming to realize that as I am a beautiful woman.

One night prior to my 40^th birthday, I began wondering why Danielle and I were no longer a match. The why eluded me and didnt seem to process in my brain. I felt like I was having a short circuit in my brain about it all. I decided to ask my friend Saundra. She explained it so clearly to me that it was an epiphany. The relationship with Daniel awoken me to who I was. In the process I began to rise. Daniel was an emotional fixer upper. In the process I was no longer on the same page as Danielle. This created a divide between us. Saundra’s explaination answered my why at the time. I was like I wish somebody had sent me a fax back when I was depressed. Hello. I did not understand that when I was involved with Danielle. I instinctively went to “What did I do wrong? Why couldn’t I be loved?” in my head.

Suddenly it hit me. I was good enough to love. I just grown to a point that Danielle and I were no longer on the same page and leaving me with the words “give me time and space” was Danielle’s only way out. Granted Danielle went about it poorly. The intention though is understood. I finally understood. I am blessed by this one family that spirit put onto my path. It would turn out to be the family that I had wanted since I was a child and often prayed that one could have. They are the embodiment of a manifestation for a true family. I have learned that blood does not make a family. It is the connection of people, and a community that makes a family. It’s amazing to me their level of depth and inspiration into the beauty that life has to offer. There is a strength in the challenge that we face. Will we allow it to defeat us or help us grow?

There was a time that I was deeply hurt by Danielle choosing to be with someone else. Today I know that Danielle was the lesson I needed to learn. At the time I was devastated by Danielle leaving me. In its aftermath ashes were left of that dream that could have been. A prayer that she herself proclaimed to me and my inner circle of friends that I was the answer to her prayer to the universe of being her true love. There will always be a part of me that will love the person Danielle however not her actions. We love each person differently. In the process that person will always have a part of us. There were good times that I shall not forget. I always remembered how she use to look at me when I made her smile and how she called me “her wife” during the moments of highest orgasmic intimacy.

I cannot say if the universe will honor my life with the presence of another partner, a woman loving and honorable. I have dreams that she is near. I have come to understand what I am meant to do. I will stand in the light, and give hope to others that have been through the same situation as me. I know when I gave up on hope that the universe showed me hope through a family of Sandra and Lucky.
On July 6^th, 2012 Ms. Kay, and Anne asked me to come over to their house. They told me that their dog was sick and needed to see me. I was not sure what to think of that. I went over to the house. They had thrown a surprise two person party to celebrate my birthday. It was sweet and enduring. There was a helium balloon there that said Happy birthday. There was a snack tray of cheese and crackers. We talked into the hours of the night about how great it was to see me finally starting to celebrate life. I was overjoyed by this surprise. It was unexpected. It was the beginning of a life to celebrate.

On July 7^th, 2012 I spent the night with Saundra and Lucky and their family celebrating my 40^th. I opened this gorgeous present. It was a flute. Inside my being I knew instantly that my life had come full circle. It was a message from the Divine Spirit of how to play and celebrate life.

The flute triggered my reflection on the signifance of wolves, and how I am here today to celebrate life. The flute that they gave me means the universe to me. At the time, I only explained the partial significance of the flute as I didn’t want to go into the brutality of what I was remembering. Inside I was crying because now I can celebrate with the music of life and I had a flute to do it.

What I am about to share led to my spirituality in wolves and music. In April of 1977, I was five years old, My mother brought home a white wolf. Kendra said,

“I want you to learn to play with this wolf”

For four months I played with this white wolf. I called him “Wolfee”. He was beautiful with white fur and gorgeous mesmorizing blue eyes. I loved this wolf. I thought wow maybe all this darkness was just a phase and it will pass. They say you don’t remember events when you are five. I did because of the traumatic events Kendra had put me through.

I use to play with Wolfee by pretending that I was an artist playing a flute. I would tell Wolfee,

“Don’t listen to Kendra, she is sad and angry. Listen to my flute. Spirit will protect us,”

JULY 7, 1977 came. I had just turned five years old. I was yanked out of the closet that I was forced to live in. It was a small closet. There was no bed or bedding. I had learned how to slow my body down during the cold weather so I would not freeze.

Kendra shackled me with black chains to my arms and legs as I was crying

“What did I do wrong?”

“You lived is what you did wrong?”

Kendra had the white wolf in the living room. She pulled out her machete and Cyd, her sister held the wolf down as she cut his throat. I still remember the blood curled howls of the wolf. She skinned the wolf alive placing his coat on my five year old body. I cried for my friend that was butchered.

“Why why he was my friend,”

“Know this bastard bitch for everything you love I shall kill.” Kendra Said.

“Why?”

“So when you become an adult you will realize that no one will love you. They will throw you away like trash. People are like that. They are selfish. It’s all about power.”

For seven days I was locked in the closet with the decaying carcass of my friend. The white wolf I called “Wolfee”. I remember praying,

“my lord who art in heaven forgive me, for my life causedthis wolf’s death, my friend. Please forgive me. If you allow me to live, I swear I will protect the lives Of others even at the cost of my life. I walk through the valley of the shadow of Death, I hear no evil, and I see no evil. I only see the white light,”

I cried silently in the night for years to come. I would never forget this wolf butchered at the hands of my own mother.

Four years later, when I was nine years old, I was in a music class. The instructor was called Ms. Music. I wanted to learn the flute. On the third day I had to stay after class. Ms Music took the flute away from me.

“You cannot play the flute or be in my class.” She stated sternly.

“Why?” I asked confused.

“Because you are different and you really need to talk to your mother about coming to school with dirty clothes.” She stated.

“But you don’t understand” I exclaimed.

“I do. Perhaps if you obeyed your mother, I would not be taking this away from you” she said.

I remember looking at this instructor saying very profoundly,

“You may take the flute. However Wolfee will never die in me. I promise you I will become someone, an artist that people will look up to and the music I will play will be beautiful.”

Ms. Music looks at me very sternly.

“Life is only meant for children that are popular, that obey, and that are not different.”

I left that class crying. I remember being sent to the principal’s office and I was not paying attention. A door opens at Liberence Elementary and literally had the wind knocked out of me. I was on the ground when this teacher bends down, reaching out to me to help me up. I made a vow to myself from that point on. I would never turn anyone away in my life that was different. This instructor never knew what was happening at home. She thought that because of my clothes were dirty that I was a reject. She never knew that if I had told her the truth that she would have been killed like my first mentor Marianne. Kendra killed here when I told her what was happening or what happened to Lana my first grade teacher. Kendra went to Lana’s home when she was on vacation and took her Saint Bernard. Lana kept asking questions about my home to Kendra. Kendra sent a message back when Lana returned home. Lana opened her door the heart of her St. Bernard was on her doorstep.

The flute that was given to me for my 40^th birthday was a sign from the universe. I was loved. Wolfee remembered. The spirit of wolfee utilized my friends to tell me that my music would play on. It was a sign that my friend the great white wolf, Wolfee, had never forgotten me.I am meant to live this life with celebration and honor. Little did they know that they had tapped into the very core a child that wanted to cry and say thank you for remembering me. It also reminded me that the reason I lived was to help others. The flute sits now on my shelf of new life events of love. My 40^th birthday was my 1^st celebration of my birth and the best. I look forward to many more years to come in celebrating. Thank you Voice of Reason and Anne for the night before. The surprise was great. Thank you Saundra and Lucky for spending time and celebrating my 40^th. I am blessed.

I shall never forget my 40^th birthday. To this day I still have the presents that was given including the carnation. Suandra and Lucky gave me a carnation for my 40^th birthday.