Defining Moments

Tuesday February 7th, 2012:

Today is one week that we have been separated. While we are still friends it is deeply affecting me on all levels. I do not understand how it is however I know in my heart you will return. You must know that you have broken my heart. I have never felt this kind of pain before. It was something you said that you would never do. IT is more painful than all the torture that I have endured. At the end of the torture the pain stops momentarily. This pain I feel regarding you continues. YOU gave up on me. While I understand and will wait. WHY did you give up on me? I am off today and am going to drink because it is so painful. All this crying. All this doubting. What have you done to me? I was once strong. I endure nights of them electrocuting me, beating me, and yet you leaving me has done more damage than they could have ever hoped for. I know you said to me that you will be the one to give me new experiences. You taught me intimate things, you taught me, pizza. You showed me how to light a Christmas without being afraid of finding body parts. However this new experience of a broken heart is off the chart. I miss you and I don’t want you to give up on true love. I know what you told me about what others did to you. I won’t do that to you.

Thursday February 9^th, 2012:

It is 2:30am of the morning of February 9^th. You talked to me last night via text for almost two hours. I was so happy. It has been so hard. Your text was the greatest joy. I saved your texts to my g-mail so that when you return you will see that I kept my promise that I have not been with any other woman and that I only thought of you and me and us like we discussed.

I am glad that you are sending your children to the program. I am copying the texts into my journal to you.
Danielle:

We are okay. I have the children in a study for adolescent with a parent with drug or alcohol problems. How they think and process information.

Kat:

Are you okay with that?

Danielle:

Kina lost her phone for stealing. These guys are not making good decisions

I remember walking around the apartment complex as we were texting one another. I knew that if I could just show Danielle that if I was there we could be together as a family. There would be no issues with Kina, her daughter.

The text messages continue.

Kat:

I hope the program helps. How are you dealing?

Danielle:

I am alright. I am making it…Barely…but my head is above water.

Kat:

I hope you have a great event

Danielle:

It was crazy! As always

Kat:

My love for you will live on in ON HALLOWED GROUND.

Danielle:

Been looking forward to reading it. Sleep has never been a problem for me. Really it’s sleeping too much

There were two more hours of text messages that we had shared with one another. I know now there is hope. I literally cried, falling to the ground as I saw the text that you were barely making it. It confirms my beloved that we are so connected as you said we were. THERE is hope and you will return to me. IF I have to wait 8 years for your children to be raised then I will wait. IT was just like you said that day you broke up with me. You were sitting on the couch and looked at me saying,

“Yes I love you and am in love with you. This will be a

test of how we will survive. “

I remember sighing thinking oh sweet Virgin Mary, one more damn test however I can do this. If I was able to survive years of torture, I can wait for the woman I love and who loves me.

You are so right. I am ready for this test my dearest Danielle. If I have to re romance you I will. It will be my pleasure to do it with you.

The sun has risen and many hours have passed and it’s so difficult. I feel empty.

Friday, February 10, 2012:

I know I need to stop crying. I also know that if you move on then that is your choice. Why did you reject me? All you ever said was

“I will love you to the end of time.”

This does not make sense.

February 11, 2012:

Its 5am and suddenly I find myself missing you. I hope that you are well. I miss you dearly. I have been depressed in missing you. There has to be a way to show you that you are worthy of true love. Every morning I used to call you and wake you for work.

In that first month after Danielle left, I was sad and depressed. I really thought that I could move the heaven and the stars for her. My thought was that if I could just reach Danielle that she would return to me. I was so blind in my grief over her.

I never knew that she had no intention of coming back to me. During this time I listened to a song called Mirror on the Wall by Lil Wayne. I cried every time because I felt his pain as though it was my own. Then I would drink some messed up alcohol called 9/20 or something like that. It was nasty. All it did was make me cry even more.

I thought by fighting for us that Danielle would see that her wish to Spirit was true and tried. I even woke up every day and read the note on my artist board that Danielle had left me. It was ideal that would never come true. The truth was that I was fighting for a dream within me, the inner child that kept crying,

“Please love me, I am worthy”

2. 
   JOURNAL OF HOPE: LETTERS TO DANIEL
   

BOOK 2: February 12, 2012- February 25, 2012



This is the second Journal of Hope, which I had written Danielle. My hope was that Danielle would realize how I waited for her to find her balance and return to me. I use to pray so hard that Danielle would just show up to my apartment and say “hello” The journals are in the raw format as I wrote them at the time.
February 18, 2012:

It is 3:05 am, and I find myself longing for you, Danielle. I know that it’s only been 21 days, however its feels like a life time. I miss talking to you. So much in my life has changed. There are days and moments I feel like giving up. I even told spirit at night please let me die in my sleep tonight. However each day I keep waking up and find myself missing you. Spirit will no longer listen to me. They want me to live. They keep saying that there is a family that needs me. What the hell are they talking about?

I have lost so many friends because they say that you are cheating on me and do not love me nor did you ever truly love me. I have disavowed those friends. Cause how dare they talk shit about you. How dare they stand up to me? I am the one that helped them. They just talk shit without sitting down and helping me understand.

I spoke with Jack and he said that I can’t give up and I said why.

Jack shook his head,

“I promised Danielle that I would watch out over you that night in the restaurant because she was worried about the drunken guests. I told

Her she will always come home to you. Do you remember what she

said?

I said to Jack

“No.”

Jack smiled

“Danielle said ‘Good, because she is my soul mate and we are forever together.’”

Jack reminded me that I cannot give up because I am the hope for other people. No one realized what I went through in life. And now when they find out they will be amazed at my strength.

February 19^th, 2012:

It is 2am and I hope that you are sleeping well my dearest Danielle. I have missed talking to you every day when I would wake you up to make sure you were up on time for work. You are my one and only. I know that our connection can reach your soul.

February 20^th, 2012:

Soon you will be 34 and I keep finding myself missing you. I feel lost without you. I miss you deeply. It’s coming upon three weeks and I feel dead inside. I don’t understand how you can just give up on what you wanted, what you asked life for. The rain is coming back to the sky.

February 21^st, 2012:

I released HOPES DREAM after I had many requests for my new poetry. I have not felt inspired to write since you left me. Why should I write when I am dying, inside my soul? I feel dead! What did I do wrong? I never meant to scare you because of what I went through. I wrote this poem to reach you because you always loved my poetry and how it touched your soul. I remember the day I asked you when you realized you were in love with me and you said that second night when I read you poetry.

You said,

“If you can write such deep and passionate poetry, this woman

must love deeply. I fell in love with you because of your passion.”

Danielle, I wish you would reach out and talk to me. I sent you a picture of the sunrise I saw when I got off work today. I thought of you and the beauty that you have. How can you just walk away from me? What did I do wrong? You have not responded to my phone calls or text messages. It’s just so odd. After all that you and I have been through now you treat me this way.

I cannot shake this sadness that is in my heart. My crew grows concerned saying that I am not responding to anything in the restaurant. All I say is,

“Don’t you know that I am the stupid bitch and no

wonder my love walked away.”

I want this sadness to be gone. This is not me. I am tired of being sad. Once I loved life and now I see only the sadness in it.

Why did you throw me away? I keep replaying your words in my head when you said that you needed to simplify your life and I had to be the one sacrificed. What did I do wrong? It’s like that you don’t want to know me. You promised you would love me and even took vows with me. I know you keep saying that you just need time and space and to have hope. I would be the first woman that you date. I must believe that what you said is true. Just know that I am dying inside and nothing feels good anymore.

February 23^rd, 2012:

I tried calling you and texting you and it’s as though you are hiding from me. I wanted to personally wish you a happy birthday. I still do not understand why you walked away from you. I could not sleep. The nightmares have returned. I do not know why the nightmares have returned. That one dream keeps coming back. The one where I started screaming and you woke up by placing your hand on my heart and said

“I am here Kat, shh”

This time the dream was a bit odd. It was the same one I told you about. The memory of being tortured by my family continues to haunt me. I am strapped in the chair and they are electrocuting me. They placed the needle filled with tetrodotoxin into my chest. They took pliers and pulled out teeth. This time it was different which does not make sense. You were there and where Kendra normally enters and said,

“Where your fucking god now bitch? I told you to never love.

I will break you.”

This time you are saying it. This concerns me that you are the saying it and not my mother Kendra. If I was to do a dream analysis it would mean that you were the one that was cruel to me. That you are just playing on my emotion. Why? I know what you said, how you touched me.

Please don’t tell me that you are not returning. I told you Danielle that I don’t know if I can survive another cruelty in my life. I never was cruel to you. I must have faith.

I will try and finish ON HALLOWED GROUND the next installment to FIRESEEDS. I feel lost and even in my journal writing I feel lost without you at my side. I cannot explain this deep sadness inside of me. If I find out that someone interfered that someone told you to give up on me…it doesn’t matter. I have always lost it seems. I cannot move forward. I cannot love another. Everyone I have loved has either, been killed or walked away.

Only when you return to me will I believe in humanity. At this point humanity is cruel, inhumane and they torture souls just for kicks. Why should I have hope? People are people. They are liars, thieves, and by their nature inhumane. Oh my God, I am beginning to give up. This mere statement shows me I am beginning to give up. What do you expect after all that I have seen? Then the very woman who took vows with me walks away. THIS IS WRONG.I am not seeing things right. I wish someone was here that could see spiritually like I do and help me understand. I just prayed to spirit to bring someone into my life to show me I am okay with me being different. What the hell? All I keep hearing is there is a family that you will teach and together life will come full circle. I am beginning to think that spirit is on crack.

Jack tried to help me tonight and I took my anger out on him. I tried to take him out physically and he just grabbed me and held me. What have you done to me Danielle? I have always had control and now I feel like what is the fucking purpose of living with honor, and love when ….I need to go and listen to the radio.

Oh no..no no no no. The song LIKE A PRAYER is on the oldies station. I have always had a superstition about this song. When I hear someone is leaving my life.

February 24, 2012:

I was told to today to think positive and you will respond. Oh my god it’s working. You just responded back to my text message and said to call you back tonight at 9:30pm after the kids have gone to bed so that we can talk. You said that you had just come back from New Orleans. So now I have two hours before I am going to call you. I am going to prepare a script so that I don’t get nervous and forget. I am so happy that we are going to talk. I have told my crew that the first person that interrupts me well they will be revisited by the evil Kat and I have baseboards with their names on it.

At 9:30pm, I called Daniel and she told me to call back in five minutes because she was putting groceries away. So I waited and right at 5 minutes I called her right back. I had the script ready to go.

Danielle was out of breath,

“Putting groceries away is like an Olympic sport.”Danielle stated

I chuckled at this comment because Danielle always had this humor about her. I so adored Danielle’s humor.

“How was New Orleans?” I asked.

“It was a blast. I went by myself and everyone was amazed that

I came back. I got so drunk. There was one night I was so drunk that I don’t even remember how I walked to the hotel room or who I woke up...”

Danielle changed the subject really quick. I had a feeling that she had slept with someone. My mind instantly went to forgiveness and that’s okay as long as she returns to me.

“I went ahead and got the tags for the car like I promised”

Danielle told me that she had missed our conversations. She told know I can reach her. On February 27^th I am going to her house and give her title to the car. Danielle was happy that we were going to see one another. Danielle has agreed to have dinner with me and become reacquainted with me. There is hope.

February 25^th, 2012:

Today I spent an hour with Danielle this morning in her house, talking with her. We talked about New Orleans and how she is planning on going to the Ignite Press Release Party on March 2^nd, 2012. She spoke of going to New Orleans again on Labor Day. Danielle it was so nice to see you in person and spend time with you, listening to you and your life.

My god you are beautiful. I love your hair down. You played with your hair like in such a way that it was sexual. You always knew that I loved you doing that. I hope that your event today rocked and it should have because you rock.
March 2^nd, 2012:

Danielle promised that she was going to look at her calendar and see if she can make it. When we spoke again on the phone it was so sweet. I asked once more about dinner.

“Would you like to have dinner on your days off and as friends get reacquainted,” I asked.

“Yes, I love to have dinner with you on your days off, Kat” Danielle stated.

I smiled thinking wow, its happening.

“Kat you the sweetest woman I know and you are the most loving.” Danielle stated on the phone.

Danielle went on to tell me about how the new girl at the other location had been screwing up. I got excited because that meant she would be working there next to my apartment.

She really enjoyed talking to me and that she missed talking to me, hearing my voice. It was lovely and that we need to do this more. That it was something she truly missed.

I was so excited about this conversation because it meant that we were returning to one another and that I am reaching Danielle. HOPE does exist. She missed our conversation.

I was looking for any sign of hope that Danielle would return. The fact that she said she wanted to have dinner with me to get reacquainted, and that she missed our talks was an obvious sign that she missed me. I was reaching for any signs of hope. I had thought at the time Danielle wanted to get back together with me. The truth is she just wanted me to sign over the car.

HOPES DREAM
The poem that I wrote for Danielle won an award for most inspirational love poem. I thought by winning an award for a poem that I wrote for Danielle would someone inspire her to remember all her promises to me.
HOPES DREAM
by. Katherine Symthe
©February 2012.

The poem won the award Most Inspirational Love Poem.

Entered into this world of darkness, This child saw an evil no human should experience, Sorrow became the boroughs of the soul. The only words heard “give up, there is no light. Walk away” Hope gave me a dream that I would find the light. This child became an adult and found the rays of light. Chosen by destiny to save lives yet no one understood. The words heard were “give up, walk away. No one wants you.” Hope gave me a dream. In my endeavors, the lives I saved became my mark as one that never gave up. Words became my passion for a life that I did not expect would touch others. The words heard would shout “give up. No one wants to hear you.” Hope gave me a dream. The lives I touched with my words would unite a following and inspire their humanity. One day I prayed unto hope that True love would free me. The words heard would say “who would want to love you. Give up” I found the love of my life, and together the time we shared moved mountains, The sun and the moon would dance with the love we had. One day my love dost said there needs to be time and space, and we cannot be however there is hope. The words I heard became cruel. “She never wanted you. You failed the one thing you loved.” Hope gave me a dream. I shall never give up. She may have walked away for now however in the gloaming, I know she will return. I dost ask of hope but one thing that should this true love remember and walk back this lifetime that I can say one last thing, “You may not have thought you were not strong enough, however your love was all I needed. You may not have thought it was fair to me to not have time, however you were the only fair thing that set me free.” Hope gave me a dream of what thing could I say to my love and I would say, “I may cry at night, and hide in the day however your love set me free. Give me but one chance for I know I was your hopes dream.”

1. 
   THE SPIRITUAL QUEST
   

Life was empty, hollowed out by Danielle leaving needing time and space. Nothing made sense to me anymore. I feel like a zombie, numb by the events of life. The pain in my heart was intense and I am so confused and lost. We planned a whole life together. She took my engagement rings. Danielle said to have hope, that she would return as soon as she found balance. I know she can do this. The universe is playing a cruel joke on me. Why? What did I do wrong? Ah shit, it’s my childhood. Danielle couldn’t handle my childhood. I remember how she looked at me weird about my mother raping and torturing me and I asked,

“Are you okay? I’m telling you what I went through,”

“Yes, it’s just a little hard to take in however I love you.” Danielle states.

I should have never told her about my abusive past. She said she was never bothered by it however at the end of the day she is not here with me.

I get up and throw my journal across my apartment floor looking up at the ceiling.

“Why have you done this to me God? They say you’re a merciful God? I was alone when I was raped and electrocuted. No you make me live as a survivor and now punishing me by taking the love of my life. What kind of God are you?”

I take a deep breath in knowing that God will not answer. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. A day of lovers and I’m alone. I walk over and pick up my journal.

“What kind of God are you? I never asked to survive. No you made me live for what? This curse of what happened so I can be a mockery? Well I hope you have a good laugh because I am going to make this right.” I shout.

I decided I was going to make it right and reach out to Danielle. She always said that we were soul mates and that we can feel each other. If we can feel each other then she is feeling my sadness. I know this. I text Danielle.

“Hello. How are you Danielle?”

Oh my god, she responded to my text. I knew I could reach her.

“Drunk. With my mother and her friend drinking.”

What the hell? She’s drink. I knew it. She is drinking because of her depression however I know that trying to reach her while she was drunk was not going to work. The time had come to reach out to her in a different way. There is more than one way to skin a cat. Every time I had tried to reach out to Danielle she rejected my calls and text messages. I refuse to give up on her. I promised her that I would be her rock no matter what. I have nothing to lose. A person with nothing to lose is very dangerous because they will do anything to reach their objective. I swore an oath that I would not leave her behind. I remember Danielle and me talking in bed once.

“I’ll be your rock and will never leave you behind.” I said

“Promise me that no matter what happens you never leave me.” Danielle states.

“I promise.”

“I am counting on that.”Danielle replies kissing me.

My promise is my oath. There is another way to reach Danielle. The answer is Spiritual. I need to find Peyote and initiate my own vision quest. It’s time to return to the source, my beliefs. If I use Peyote, I can find her soul in the vision quest and talk to her soul. Once I find her soul, I will deal with Spirit’s cruel joke on me. There is one person I know that sells Peyote, Jack.

I went to Jack and explained my theory. Jack looks at me as though I am crazy. Jack and I spent nights talking about spirituality, our calling in life and the love of our lives. This will work because love saves the day and Danielle is my soul mate. Jack and I use to talk about Danielle and he would tell me about his wife. Jack and I became very close friends due to our common elements in life.

“Are you prepared for the consequences? You are not trained in

Peyote and it could cost your life?” Jack asks concerned.

I look at him,

“I am prepared to die to keep my promise. Without honor and

Integrity there is only death,” I said.

He looks at me, shaking his head,

“This is not some kind of spiritual war, Kat. This is not some mission to bring someone home.”

I look at him with anger,

Every day we are alive; we are in a war to be honorable. Every day someone dies because of cruelty. I know there is a way to reach her. I will no matter what!”

Jack steps back looking at me,

“I have never doubted you. I am just saying I am not prepared to lose you. You are not in the right frame of mind. Your sorrow has overtaken you. If you are hurt from this process, you won’t remember to come back.”

I start to walk away when I turn back around walking up to Jack.

“Come back to what? She has given up on hope. You know that I

would do the same for any of you that are my friends.”

Jack lights a cigarette,

“The problem here, Kat, is you think that you are alone. Spirit did not abandon you. I know I am a medicine man.”

I light a cigarette,

“All my life I have been honorable. I refuse to give up on her. If I

have the ability to reach her, I will.” I said.

He shakes his head at me. Jack was dismayed that I wanted to push forward.

“This is not spiritual with Danielle. This is physical. Or did you forget she told me too in person that she would never leave you. Danielle promised me, me and even shook my hand that she would love you and never leave. And look where we are now.” He argued.

I shake my head. Nothing made sense. My logical brain was telling me that this spiritual quest for Peyote was wrong. My heart was telling me that I could not give up.

“What am I suppose to do?”I asked.

Jack looks at me, sighing,

“Damn it, Kat. This has started a war amongst your students. You refuse to see that Danielle has lied. She has to you, to me and to everyone. She even lied in front everyone the night she took the ring and accepted your proposal for marriage,” Jack states cracking his neck.

I keep shaking my head in disbelief.

“Damn you, if anyone can pull off a crazy ass spiritual action -you can.”

I bow to the four winds asking for forgiveness. In that moment, Jack hugs me as I begin crying.

“I didn’t mean to challenge spirit. However I will not abandon my promise. I took an oath to protect and to watch over those that spirit has given to me. I will not forfeit.”I said.

Jack lets me go as he begins to walk around the parking lot then turns to me.

“Damn you, Kat. You are the most spiritual person I know. You just

got hit really hard in the heart. You need to let Danielle go, however

I’ll help you because you won’t back down. You never backed down from keeping any promise. You have always stood by your friends. I have seen it, first hand. It even cost your career at one point when you defended your crew being harassed.”
During the next two weeks, Jack and I experienced a comedy of errors that I called bloopers. On the final night we attempted to get a hold of Peyote I was angry and tried to hit Jack physically as he grabs me. I was so angry that we could not get a hold of peyote. I wanted to knock the shit out of Jack. Jack continues to hold me tightly when suddenly I fall to the ground, crying loudly. My grief had overtaken me.

“Breathe Kat, breathe,” Jack calmly states.

“I have failed. I have failed.” I cry.

He holds me tighter as the tears run down my cheek.

“Kat, you have not failed in my book. I never known any girlfriend or

lover willing to risk death to reach someone that they love.”

I cry even harder as I look at my friend. The very idea of me trying to hit him was like a gnat trying to knock out an elephant.

“Honor begets Honor. I shall not forfeit. I will reach her,” I said.

Jack stands up against my van. He has this look of concern yet he knew that I was unwavering.

“Honey, you have been honorable. Danielle has not been. This

is the Universe telling you that you are ok.”

I look at my friend,

“There’s will there’s a way. You don’t understand. I couldn’t stand and Sarah died. Her blood is on my hands because I was weak. I will not allow history to repeat. ” I shout.

He shakes his head,

“Kat, honey, your sister, Sarah died at the hands of your fucked up mother who was a brutal child abusers. She broke your back and that is why you could not stand. When are you going to forgive yourself?”

“Why I was just a bastard child they raped,” I reply.

“The Kat I know stands up for people, shit even get thrown in a dumpster for standing up for employees.”

I started laughing about the dumpster. Jack would bring that up.

“Really did you have to bring that up? I hate trash. I am so girly about that” I said.

He lights a cigarette,

“I do understand. I too promised Danielle to keep you safe. Or do you forget that she threatened me if I didn’t protect you for her to make sure come home to her. I was willing to let you risk death so you can show her that true love is worth fighting for.”

I pushed him against my minivan. He grabs me once more.

“Kat, you have pulled miracles off before. You have touched so many people’s lives. You just don’t see it. I wish someone would come in and show you that besides us.”

I look at my friend, my student.

“Me touch lives, really?”

How can I be touching lives when the one I love left me because of what I went though? Jack is crazy. Maybe he is right. I don’t know.

Jack looks at me,

“You need to learn to trust Kat. The Kat I know taught me

to read. You yourself said that we as the shamans protect the children of spirit. You have to let go. It’s not the Tao of earth to be as you are right now.”

I look at Jack realizing that he was correct. He is using my own teaching to shake me.

“So what are you saying friend. That what Danielle and I had was a lie.” I asked.

My friend shakes his head.

“You need to learn to let someone in - perhaps a family. I wish that

my ancestors would hear me and show you how you impact other lives. Danielle left and it was not your doing. It was about her.”

I am getting angry again as it feels like we were just going round and round. What an emotional mess and Jack was attempting to help me understand.

“What is it with this family you all keep talking about? Okay let’s deal with this because you all are annoying me. What will they do this family?” I ask sarcastically.

Jack starts to laugh.

“Annoying? Only because you are not listening; you are the one

taught us that spirit will keep sending messages ‘til you get it. I know you are partially deaf but damn it, LISTEN.” Jack states.

“Okay tell me!”

“This family will give you the Ability to laugh and celebrate life. They will embrace you and learn Kat-speak.”

I look at him. Jack frustrates me because he was using my very words against me to make a point.

“Really Kat-speak, this is fucking frustrating,”

“Then listen and stop being stubborn. Have you ever thought that our

time is over; that we need to celebrate life and teach others for once? All your life, you have protected; maybe it’s time to retire and live life to its fullest.”

I look at him with a stern look,

“What can be done now? Have I have fucked shit up?”

He shakes his head, looking at me,

“No you have not fucked shit up. You are human and experiencing

a human event. Oh my god. Don’t you get it? You are not alone, dumb shit. This goes beyond some promise to Danielle. You are fighting your past.”

I step back for I knew that what Jack was telling me was the truth. I did not appreciate that he reminded me.

“How dare you remind me!” I yell.

“I am the only one that can remind you because you know I speak the

truth. I am so, so, so sorry that you were tortured and you were abused. However you have to know that you did nothing wrong. Danielle used you. She played your emotions to the tee and for that I hate what she has done to you. She played all of us. It’s called manipulation. ”

I look at Jack with anger and disgust.

“Whatever!”

He grabbed me by the arm. It catches my attention. Jack has never been this stern in what he believed before.

“Spirit will show you, I promise you. Just meditate instead.

You know you can’t walk away from spirit. Just like the Shamans we cannot hide from our destiny.”

I knew that what Jack had said was true. None of this crap made any sense at all. Perhaps the time for meditation was at hand. Fine, for whatever reason I was not allowed to get a hold of peyote. Just maybe in the meditation I might be able to somehow reach Danielle. So much sadness, confusion and devastation was around me. The meditation would happen tonight.

The spiritual quest with peyote was a desperate attempt on my part. My mind was so chaotic, filled with sorrow, hope, and confusion. I was beginning to loose myself in all of this mess. I was so focused on reaching Danielle that I did not see things clearly. Nor did I want to see things clearly. My childhood conditioning was overriding my logic.

2.