Defining Moments

A Moments Definition
I woke up hung over. I walk into my kitchen to make myself lemon water and pop some tynol for my headache. Hilda telling me the truth about Danielle devastated me. The truth was worse than telling me that someone needed time and space to find balance. IF Danielle had just told me that it was permanently over, I could’ve move forward perhaps. Instead she dangled a golden carrot of hope in front me with her mixed messages and wanting to spend the night with me. I was the white rabbit that followed the golden carrot down the hole. It is a dangerous thing to give hope to someone then destroy it with a facade for personal benefit. My mind couldn’t wrap itself around the truth. Life seemed surreal. The Universe played a joke on me and I was the butt of it.

I walk into my bedroom, going to Facebook as I reread the messages from the coffee shop, Hilda. Danielle has blocked me as a friend. Up until yesterday, I was a friend. I wasn’t surprised since I knew the truth now. Hope, faith and love didn’t exist for me anymore. My life was empty.

My anger began to turn to God as to why he would allow such cruelty and why did he allow me to live. Why did God believe in a species that hurt each other on a daily basis? It seemed like a cruel joke in my eyes. I thought sarcastically that it was funny that I was a bartender. I only got the job so I could prove to Danielle that I could. There was an additional benefit. My job was right down the street from her catering job. Nothing mattered now.

The star restaurant had been calling me all week to return as a shift supervisor. I thought what the hell. I am damaged anyway. If I return back to this job as their shift supervisor then I won’t have to feel the pain.

I walk back into my living room to the side wall, standing up against it, beginning to slide down as tears run my cheeks. Looking around, dazed, my breath getting deeper with the tears streaming down. I sit on the floor. What do I do now? Nothingness fills my head for hours on end. It’s a place where you just sit there, not moving, hoping that reality will somehow change if you stare at it long enough. My rational mind knew it was over. My emotional self didn’t.

One thing that I did know that my writing always helped me to process life. No matter what hell was going on in my life, I always turned to my journals and wrote about it so I could understand. I always found a certain peace in my writing. The funny thing for me was my journals, my letters that I had written Danielle and all the letters that she wrote me that I had kept. My anger began to consume me once again. The answer is like fire wanting to burst however it was nothing in comparison to the sorrow that I had. My sorrow was telling me that had I Just kept my mouth shut about my past childhood, Danielle would be here today.

Standing up, I walk to my bookshelf picking up my journals and Danielle’s letters. I was going to burn them all. I decided that I was also to give up writing forever. I turn to see the painting on my wall of the willow tree against the river, remembering my sister, Sarah. Sarah’s voice enters my head,

“Sister, if you burn the letters, and stop your writing then our mother won.” Sarah was right, I couldn’t do this.

Grabbing my computer, I begin writing about my experience with Danielle and our love. Now granted that when I first began I was filled with anger from a broken heart and I wanted to say look at me, look at me. I would keep writing in the months and year to come in the memoir. Now today in rewriting/editing the memoir I have come to realize it was never about me or Danielle or our love. It was about the experience of true love, its loss and the impact it had on my healing process in the discovery of me.

I began with first writing a letter to Danielle that night.

May 9th, 2012:

My dearest Danielle,

I found out by accident that you are with a new woman and that you two are very serious. I guess what we had meant nothing to you. I wish I had been the one you had returned to. You said that there was no one else. You said that I would be the first woman that you date. So what is Hilda? A man in disguise? You just stopped loving me and broke all the promises to me. How could you do that knowing what I went through? A real woman of integrity would have just said, “Look we are not compatible.”

Instead you continued the relationship. Why? Did you do continue our relationship out of PITY? Your new girlfriend said that you spoke highly of me. Yet you tell your new girlfriend that we were not a perfect match. You had no problem accepting the gifts. You had no problem with how we made love. You spoke that I was the only one that could touch you the way I did. You had the audacity to stand in a room full of people and tell them that we were dating and we were serious. This journal will be my last to you. You told me to have hope. I did. You said that you would return to me. You never intended to return to me. I was the easy one to eliminate. Or don’t you remember your last words to me. You won’t even talk to me. You are trying to forget that I exist.

I don’t know what to say anymore. I am at a loss for words. I went through hell and back to reach you. I do have one thing to say. You are a coward for not telling me yourself. For that I shall never forget what you did to me. Instead you allowed your girlfriend tell me the truth.

I cannot believe that you broke your promise and made me make promises to you. You would get upset if I broke my promises. You were with her prior to the breakup. Really!! The woman that I knew you to be, had pride to tell people the truth. You even said that you taught your children to tell the truth. Who is the liar now? What are you really teaching your children?

Now I know why you never introduced me to your family as your fiancée. You were ashamed of someone like me. Most importantly you were with someone else. I finally got it. God speed to your journey.

Thank you, I finally cried for the first time in my life. How dare you make me believe in love and hope. Even just two weeks prior to you telling me that you broke us up, you wanted to be next to me based on your text messages that you sent me.

1.2.2012:

When we talked she was telling me about how the job was picking up, that the catering business was projecting another 31 million dollars in revenue. That she was going to a monster truck jam. How she is allergic to mangos.

1.7.2012:

She was frustrated because she had no time for self, for me or even the kids. She does not even have time to do the basic things like taking her daughter to do a project for school. She had to work her birthday and that sucked.

1.8.2012:

She wished that I was next to her right now to wake her and that she wished I was next to her every day waking her.

2012. 
      :
      

She had a challenging event yesterday. 1 hour into the event and they realized they were missing 19 tables. She slept ok. Today is a long event. 3000 people plated for army folks. We amaze ourselves. I told her I can’t wait ‘til the day I wake her with coffee and she moaned saying hmmm yes honey I want that. She had to take shower and she will talk to me later.

1.12.2012:

I told her about Tabula Rasa Extraordinary Measures. She was overwhelmed by me and how I am her true gift. Told me that she was going to get together with me on 1.19 but she has to work. Her son said that was weird because mom is home.

I understand now. This reality was a bitch. I find myself in the darkest of spots because you said you loved me. I am nothing. Thank you for making me realize that.

Katherine Symthe
I was beyond devastated at finding out Danielle moved on and was in another relationship with a woman that went into the time of our relationship together. I had felt betrayed by Danielle’s behavior, and refusal to communicate to me in person the truth. In that moment when I found out, I was angry at Spirit. The truth was not the anger. I was angry at the loss of love.

When I look back to this day, I know it was about manipulation on both of our parts. Danielle used me to get what she could. I used Danielle to validate my existence. I look at my life now and see how this one moment lead me to my journey of finding my authentic self. I will admit that I am wary of an future potential intimate relationships because of my experience with Danielle. I do not see a potential new intimate relationship at this time. Perhaps I am hiding from that feeling of being in love. Perhaps my time has come and gone for a possible soul mate. I do not know the answer. I would like to hope that there is a companion out there for me. Perhaps is the question at hand.

JOURNAL TO THE UNIVERSE 1
I felt like a wounded animal begging for my life to end. No place to turn or hide without me thinking about Danielle. Thinking about the love that we had is overwhelming. This whole thing reeked of my mother’s cruelty to me. My mind is having flashbacks to what she did. I feel like I am in a movie yet I am reliving it. I attempt to tell myself to move on, move forward and to forget. Love is hard to forget especially when it touches your soul. Over and over I keep going over her words, her promises and I cry just at the very thought. My mother broke all her promises to me as a child including never hurting my sister Sarah, who is dead by her hands.

All I can do at this point is cry and write. I’m no saint either. Danielle knew and accepted my baggage. Who doesn’t have baggage? The pain is so intense. As I am writing images from the past come up. Now I must work through them.

May 14, 2012(Journal Entry)

Dear Journal. I am now writing to you on the computer version of my journal. Outside is nothing. There’s almost a relief in knowing the truth. For Five months, I waited, prayed and had faith. I sat outside at my current job at the Star Restaurant today, looking upon the sunset. I saw nothing but failure. I wondered what I am to do with my life now. I don’t belong at this job either. Where do I belong? I don’t know. I’m lost and am a mess.

Soon my 40^th birthday will be here thinking that I would’ve celebrated it with Danielle. Guess that changed. My current job at the STAR restaurant keep telling me that I am not the same manager I once was. I am not the strict manager that did anything that I was told. I lost the coldness that management has to have in many ways to deal with employees. I was even told that now I care too much about the employees. When they told me this, I knew it was a matter of time before they find a reason to fire me. This restaurant fed on management that had no problem with degrading their employees. I could no longer do that for them. I was considered a weak link in their eyes.

I have become friends with this one woman and her partner. Her name is Saundra and her partner is Lucky. Saundra is the tarot reader from the Press Release Party. Saundra is interesting because she is genuine and keeps challenging me on this mythology that I am not different and not alone. My instincts say to trust her and her family. She keeps poking holes into my walls and showing me the sunshine. What if Saundra is right? What if I need to change because people have been using me?

I look at the Sun at the sun remembering the first time I saw sunlight. I was never allowed to go outside in the daylight ‘til I was seven years of age. I was locked in a closet for the first seven years of my life. I still remember the smells, the darkness and coldness of the closet. If I wasn’t locked in the closet, I was locked in a six by six dog box outside. The only time I was allowed outside was at night.

If I was hungry I had to eat dog shit, or maggots. I was only taken out during the day if I was being sold to a john. The experience of seeing the sun for the first time was amazing.

I still remember thinking wow what is this light? It felt so warm against my skin. Nothing like the coldness of the dark from when I was in the closet or the dog box. The sun was pure and there was no smell of urine, blood or death.

Why journal am I flashbacks and thoughts to when I was younger. These flashbacks are disturbing me. I try not to think of them yet evertime I think of my own sadness with Danielle, they keep, I need to focus.

Received great news today as I was invited today by Tara to present one of my poems for a public poetry reading.
JUNE 6, 2012: JOURNAL ENTRY

Three months since Danielle departure in my life. Almost a month since knowing the truth of that departure. I look at this journal that I am writing. In the last month I have gone home and had drinks. I thought by drinking I could get rid of her in my mind and heart. Didn’t work. Instead I kept focusing and remembering what we had. Damn you Danielle. You might try and tell your new girlfriend that you were not in love with me. We all know the truth.

Her letters tell me that we were soul mates. Danielle never knew I kept those letters. They reminded me how she loved me. I never realized those letters would serve as proof that we were together. Her letters were instant messages, text message, and written letters. I kept them because they were sacred to me. Some of my friends told me to burn them after I had found out the truth. I couldn’t burn them. They represented a time of innocence, a learning experience. It would be like throwing away a book and burning it. Here are a few of the letters.

Every night I punished myself by rereading her letters, crying as I drank a class of merlot. What did I do wrong Journal?
September 8, 2011:

Danielle: I would kiss away all your tears. You are my one and only!

September 10, 2011:

Danielle: I miss you so much! I wish you were here with me.

September 11, 2011:

Danielle: You have no idea how much I am missing you! I am having the crappiest day! I am so glad it’s almost over.

September 14, 2011:

Danielle: I am so in love with you!!! If I can make it for a minute or two I will.

I am becoming very emotional over remembering how Danielle loved me. It is so hard. Why did she throw me away? I find myself asking the question why? What did I do wrong? Why Danielle? If you loved me so much why did you abandon me, reject me and throw me away. Danielle won’t even respond to my calls.

It’s like I am a disease and she wishes me nonexistent. This loss reminds me of my mother and it hurts. I want to die however I am too scared of committing suicide. All I ever wanted was to be loved. I know that Danielle loved me for that moment. She showed me with the letters, the way she made love to me, and how she cared about my writing. If Danielle were here I would ask “Why? “

Hell at least, when I was a child, I understood Kendra, my mother.

I was never allowed to call my mother, mother. I could only call her by her name, Kendra. At least when I asked her why she was abusing me, she responded with the cruel truth.

“Cause I hate you. You are a bastard child”

I keep hearing her voice inside my head right now, saying,

“She left because you are a whore. Did you really think that she would want to touch you knowing that I raped you?”

My inner voice is playing tricks on me. Yet a part of me wonders if this is the truth. I feel like a hamster replaying moments from an event.

What about that day Danielle placed her hand on my heart and looking into my eyes saying,

“I will never hurt you the way they did. I will protect you and love you.”

Was this a lie? Danielle, if you only knew what you have really done to me. You took my heart and shattered it as if it was a daisy so easily broken. You told me that you wanted to give me new experiences. Well you did. I am the Kat that has learned that not everyone keeps their promises. I have learned that not everyone sees true love with honor.

Funny thing is that I said I would not write in the journals like I am talking to you. However it’s all I can do to maintain peace.

I feel hurt, betrayed and angry. I still occasionally get moments where I think back and wonder. What did I do wrong? Wait perhaps Danielle never saw herself as deserving. Perhaps in her time she never met someone like me. I can show her if she allowed me. Wait, this is my inner voice once again trying to justify her behavior because of my love. I will never know because Danielle never had the courage to talk to me. The deed was done.

The dream that we had has become bittersweet. The past never excuses bad behavior that we do upon others. Once Danielle told me that she was raped and abused. That does not excuse Danielle from lying to me and moving on.

It reminds me of a time I once told my so called mother that just because you were taught a certain way doesn’t mean you have to continue the cycle. Strength and courage lies in doing what is right even against the odds. Of course my responded with,

“How would you know? You’re just a bastard child that we sell and use for my pleasure.” Kendra said.

Memories can be haunting. In just under a week I will be reading a very powerful piece of poetry for The Black Women Unite, here in San Antonio Texas. I have come a long way in my life. I have made choices because I have had to learn on my own. Now thinking about this whole situation, and how I thought being different was odd.

Sweet Lord in heaven, I do miss those moments when I use to give Danielle my journals. Danielle and I had this understanding that because our time was limited and sometimes she would only be accessible by her cell phone, I wrote love letters to her. I would detail how my day was going and ask her questions. I would write to her. When I would see her, I would take red roses to her, a yellow pack of American Spirit cigarettes and listen to her day. It was a way of connecting. Danielle told me how amazing it was to be loved by me and to have a woman write her journals. Danielle use to say to me,

“You are the answer to my prayers. I prayed for you when I was a child, and God answered.”

I remember and still have the letter that she wrote me in the very beginning of our relationship. It touched my soul so much that for a month I use to carry it around in my pocket at work. On the nights that were rough, I would silently go outside, smoke a cigarette and read the letter. The letter provided a comfort to me. Just knowing that she was there for me, gave me inspiration. I knew by this letter that I could be better; that everything and all the challenges I was facing in the restaurant was worth it because at the end of the day I had something very precious. I had Danielle at my side as my wife and girlfriend. Danielle loved me. I had love for the first time in my life.

When she gave the note, she passionately kissed me saying,

“I love you”

The note was written on lined paper and read:

“My dearest Kat,

Hello my dear! I am just getting into bed…Wishing you were

Here with me, holding me, caressing me. I want you in my arms

now and always. There is a Beetle's song “Something”. It reminds

of you. It is one of the sweetest songs. It’s about knowing this person is so special and knowing you is in love or really just starting to love someone.

It was so great to see you today. To be in your arms. To lie next

to you. To fall asleep with you. To wake next to you. We have the best time together just holding one another. Another day gone,

another day closer to seeing you. I am not sure why I have this

need to see you. But I do. If I didn’t have kids I would be over

there every day. But alas I do so our time must be limited and

you’re wrong about one thing. Three months is three months

not three weeks. So it is 90 days. Their father got out of prison

today. Not too sure how to feel about that. I want to hate him

but he gave me my beautiful kids. Oh well he won’t try to come

back here. He is too much of a ***. Any way enough about him.

I am getting excited about seeing you on Thursday.”

I remember that Thursday when Danielle and I met for dinner. We submitted to one another, our love. We exchanged vows. Danielle got on her hands and knees to me, professing her love.

What did I do wrong?

JUNE 7th 2012: JOURNAL ENTRY

Funny how people can be judgmental and cruel. I was talking to Blaine today. He used to be a general manager for the Star Restaurant. His words were cruel,

“Oh so you have to pick up a second job. What happened to your bartending? Your books? Your podcasts?” Blaine asked.

I thought really? Anger set in me. I picked up a second job in order to maintain the flow of money so I do not fall on my face. Besides the bartending job was down the street from Danielles work place. Everyday seeing my car that I gave her, at the job was painful.

“Just remember to make the right choices KAT. Look at the

choice you made in being with your girlfriend and look

what she did to you? Maybe if you were not so damn different, she wouldn’t have left you.” Blaine said.

I reeled back from the text and thought really.

“I did not ask to be different.” I replied.

He simply responded,

“No one wants to be around you. People laugh at you, you are the butt of jokes.” Blaine said.

My anger almost made me fly off the handle. People never seem to understand how we aspire to our dreams. There will always be haters, and those that judge. What my ex girlfriend did was not about choices that I had made however choices that she made.

YES, I admit that I refused to look at the warning signs. I knew in my soul that Danielle was hiding something from me. I chose to ignore it. I kept reflecting back on my childhood. I kept thinking no, Danielle was not like that. She made promises to me. Come on, life could not be that cruel to have me fall in love with someone that would hurt me like that. I own that truth in me. I wanted so desperately a connection with another person that when I did have that perceived connection that I overlooked the red flags. Danielle had ulterior motives. No wonder she left, I am stupid.

I wish Danielle could’ve told me the truth. I wish she would have apologized. To this day she disavows that I exist. However would Danielle’s apology be real.

When my mother apologized, it was not real. On my mother’s death bed she left a note addressed to me. She had died of ovarian cancer.

It read:

Kat,

Forgive me for the evils I did onto you. I deserve to die. Thank you for believing I could change. Perhaps if I had changed, I would live and see that place you call heaven. Now I shall rot in the place known as hell. Just know that I was wrong. Can you pray for my soul?”

Kendra always tried to apologize then at the last moment wanted a favor. In just one month I will turn 40 years old. I do not know what I will do for my birthday. The ongoing joke for 22 years is that one day I will have a great celebration for my birthday. I never had that before in my life. Each year comes and something always happens to interfere with that wish. I had thought back six months ago that I would spend a quiet night with Danielle. There is an old saying that the best laid plans have the best intention.

There are thoughts in my head about life. What great love lies ahead? Does true love even exist? Will I be the blunt of jokes? These last few months of devastation to my heart I have been lost.

JUNE 8^th, 2012

To this day reliving Sarah’s death and the day that Danielle told me that we were no longer a couple has left a soul scar. Everything happens for a reason. Sarah’s death taught me to celebrate life in all that it is. You never know when a life will end.

Life is the quintessential journey of our experience. I am going to be doing a public reading of my work on June 13^th, 2012. I now have two part time jobs to take care of life needs like rent and food. I do not know what life may hold in the future down the way. What I do know is that I must live in the present and push forward as I have always done. As I prepare to go to bed, I am drinking a seven up. I find myself chuckling as I Danielle making me look into her eyes and promise her that I would never drink soda again. She was concerned about my diet. I remember her looking into my eyes and saying,

“I will know if you drink soda cause we feel each other.

You are making A promise to me, your wife and soul mate. Soul mates never break their promises to one another.” Danielle states.

Why am I torturing my self by replaying the times that Danielle and I were together. Danielle broke her promise to me, the one she called her soul mate.

She promised,

“I will never reject you or abandon you. I will never hurt you and I will always love you.”

These words haunt me as an apparition at the bewitching hour.

PERSONAL NOTE REGARDING: June 10, 2012:

Today as been a day of reflecting back on my conversations in February with Danielle, the text messages, and my journals to her. There are many things to wonder about. I wonder if Danielle’s new girlfriend knew about anything that which was going on between us. According to the new girlfriend when she talked to me in May, Danielle and her had know each other for “quite a while. Furthermore they got together “officially” as a couple days after we broke up. I know how to do math. That would place the relationship with the new girlfriend in January/February.

People have the tendency towards the propensity to not keep promises and blow it off like oh well it’s just a promise. Danielle’s promise of loving me meant the world to me. Danielle’s promise that she would never reject me tore me apart. What Danielle did reminded me of the broken promises of my mother, Kendra.

My childhood taught me not to trust people and their promises. Innately I knew that people had the capability to want to do what is right. The key lied in the person’s price. There is an adage that states “everyone has their price”

Kendra use to give me lectures,

“All you have to do is find their price. The price will lead you find gold. People will sell others out and could be bought for that price. If you find that price you would become the master.”

It was a belief that I didn’t agree with.

When I was 15 years old I asked Kendra to stop her abuse.

“When are you going to stop this madness? You promised that you would try and stop. ” I asked.

Kendra struck me across the face,

“Everyone has their price, bitch. Find it and they will break.

People will even kill their own children for this price.”

She laughed walking to the refrigerator. She pulled out a bowl of rice and inside the rice something was moving. It was maggots. Those maggots was going to be my dinner. I hate rice. Even to this day I refuse to eat white rice.

“You can change, I know you can. Not everyone has a price. And promises can be kept,” I said.

‘Why? Because you survived so far. You read that fucked

up Holy Bible shit. Where was your God when I took your sister’s life?”

I sighed. I knew that because I had refused to eat dinner I would have to sleep outside with the dogs. So I grabbed my collar and put it on my neck. I began to walk outside when Kendra said,

“You will see. One day someone will promise you a family and break

you like the bitch dog you are.”

I said to myself,

“You are wrong. There are good people out there.”

Kendra went outside and tied me to the inside of a wooden dog house. She started to walk away when she came back.

“Who is going to love you when you tell them what I did to you.

Who will fuck you whore? A bitch that ate maggots to live, raped by her own mother?”

Kendra took a stick and started pounding on the top of the wooden box.

“You know why your fucking God loves you. Cause he pities you.

A worthless Bitch. I should have gone deeper with that knife and cut your throat all the way through,” Kendra taunts.

I did nothing because I knew if I said anything Kendra would pull her knife out and kill one of the dogs in the kennel. Kendra walked away.

I reflect upon that conversation with my mother. My sadness seems to be triggering my memories that I thought I buried in me.

Was Danielle like my mother? I refuse to believe that all people are not to be trusted. I refuse to believe that people want to hurt others for the pure pleasure of power. One day I will find a girlfriend that will keep her promise to me. It is hard to imagine that it will not be Danielle.

There is a part of me that wishes I could have saved Kendra, my mother. Kendra was so consumed with the adrenaline of hurting children that I could not save her.

PERSONAL NOTE JUNE 11, 2012:

Today I woke up feeling close to normal as normal can be without Danielle next to me. Today I am eager for June 13, 2012. I will be standing in front of a lot of people reading my poetry work.

In my life I have seen a darkness that no person should have endure. I have witnessed such death of those I have loved. I was raised in a cruel environment. I have seen the eyes of those dying knowing that they would never make to the time I now live in. My soul feeling the pain of love, and its touch upon my soul. The tragedy of this relationship with Danielle does not lie in the fact she broke up with me. The tragedy is not that she needed time and space and would have not come back. THE TRAGEDY is that I found out from her new girlfriend she was with someone else, that all those promises were a lie because she for whatever reason abandoned me.

Now I must move forward to find my own way. Her lack of talking to me denotes the kind of woman that she is.

Journal, I am not the same woman I was. Nor will I ever be that woman ever again. I will not trust love either so easily. I hear the words within my soul that speak a truth that I have known all my life,

“Rise up child now, Woman thou art in the mirror,

Become the sheath of words that look upon you,

Dust the ashes off and become the light from the darkness you were in

Rise up and take to a new level.”

I have decided to use these words as the ending of the literary piece that I am doing for the Black Women Unite forum.

Currently I am writing and sitting at the bar downtown that I always go to. The sunset is colored with purple, and pink. I looked into the clouds and smile. I have not done this in a long time. Looking around remembering how just a few chairs over, was where I met Danielle in person for the first date. Danielle looked so beautiful with that white silk blouse. I look into the pub remembering the night she stood there in front of my friends. Danielle said she had been dating me for two months and that we were in love. This personal torture is growing old.
PERSONAL NOTE JUNE 12, 2012:

The air is warm outside at 7:19 in the morning and its already 85 degrees. The dreams are gone. My hope lies in a puddle of mud. Tomorrow will be a busy night for me as I prepare to read my poetry.

When I wrote my journal entries to the Universe, I was emotionally distraught, overwhelmed with chaos, lost and attempting to make sense of my own emotional turmoil. Nothing seemed to matter at the time.

Things in life started to look up with my new friendship with Saundra and Lucky. They were so genuine and loving. I looked up and to this day, see them as role models. Its kind of funny because when I first met them I had this bad ass attitude and I am all tough. My truth was that I was hiding my pain and the most important part of myself, my genuine self. The adventures that we were about to have would awaken me on a spiritual level. I would discover the true essence of celebration. I am honored that they are my best friends in my life today. Truly their friendship helped me pull out of the nothing I was feeling.

POETIC EXPRESSION
In just 2 and a half hours the poetry event will begin. I am very nervous yet there is a calming in my soul knowing that people are going to show up to support me. I’m sitting outside watching the sun set. Just a few ago, the sunset would not have mattered to me.

It is so beautiful. My new friends Sandra and Lucky are unable to attend the event due to a family situation. I will take pictures and a video for them. I smile as I see the sun set.

An invitation was sent to Danielle however I know she will not show up. A part of me, wishes that she would up. However those days are gone like dust to the wind.

It is the way. Dear Lord dear Spirit give me the strength to stand and share my passion through my words. Here is a small poem on how I am feeling at this moment:

RISING:

FROM THE ASHE OF THE EARTH she stood up and said,

I AM HERE.

FROM the tears of the sorrow she bore unto the earth rivers

So the soil shall be plentiful.

From the darkeness from whence she hide she shall now rise unto a new Generation of people.

She shouts as the eagle flies and the phoenix rises,

You stole me and bore me into a family of vile wickedness

You took my son and gave him to another

You shot an arrow in my heart when she left with dishonorable words

FOR THIS I am honored because

YOU NEVER took my spirit and now I will rise!!

A new woman, with a new voice for I am…..

Katherine Symthe

The invitation to openly read one of my poems was a great honor. I knew that somehow this would open a new event horizon in my life. This was exactly what I needed in my life. I needed to rise once again as a great writer. It was June 2012. It had been six months since Danielle left me. It has been a month since I knew the truth of that departure. Now in one month I am going to be 40 years old. I knew somehow at the time that there people would see a new level to the depths of who I am. They would see my passion as I speak my words. There was the possibility that I would fail however I had to remind myself to say NO to that negative inner voice. I had to keep telling myself that I am an artist, a woman of depth, passion and many experiences. I am a white wolf. The white wolf has long been my totem animal and my guide in my life.

The theme of the poetry night was Audre Lourdes, an activist and poet that changed many lives within the lesbian community. The question at hand was what am I to write? What powerful poem could I create for that night of reading the poetry. The piece had to speak from my soul. Recently I had not felt inspired to write. I needed to write. When you fall off a horse, you need to get back on. What muse would come to me and inspire this artist soul of mine.

I decided to draw upon my life experience as a woman of depth, passion, love, challenge and growth. I was so nervous. Every day I prayed for a muse to inspire me. The irises of the fires within my soul had molded me into the very person I am today. I am truly in uncharted territory with this public reading. I would be standing in front of all these people. I would be pouring out my passion, my being through my words, and my expression of the woman I am and continue developing to be. It was intimidating in many ways. Now I have my friends and supporters that have said that they are going to be there as well. Saundra and Lucky said that they would be there as well. The piece would only have a two minute spot. Two minutes was very short yet very, very long in the span of time. I felt it would make or break the moment.

I remember the legacy of woman. I remember how we as women had endured. ed. How we have overcome such great challenges and rose from the ashes. This was herstory and we are her seeds. I had found the words for the piece.

ADVERTISEMENT FOR BLACK WOMEN UNITE

NIGHT OF POETRY
San Antonio, have we a special treat for you. Experience renowned Poet and Activist Audre Lorde through a screening of her work LITHANY OF SURVIVAL and a dedication by San Antonio’s most talented Spoken Word

Artists, Shorty, Shaundra Gail, Hush Rai, Listic, Katherine Symthe, Andi and /DevSoul. All hosted by BLACK WOMEN UNITE.

Doors open at 8pm and show time at 9pm.
BLACK WOMEN UNITE was created to showcase the nuances of Black Queer Womyn culture. It is hoped that the movies will service as a vehicle to foster honest dialogue on struggles and opportunities unique to Black Queer Womyn.

While discussion will focus on the Black Queer Womyn. All members of the Queer Community are welcomed to attend.