Defining Moments
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- Bu səhifədəki naviqasiya:
- April 25 th , 2012
- MAY 1 ST , 2012
- DAY OF FREE COFFEE
- A TRUTH REVEALED
April 23rd, 2012: Baby girl I left you a text message and a voice mail. I have failed you as I have failed my son. I should have been home that day instead of going to college when he was kidnapped. I should have never told you about my past. I have written a poem for you. THE RISING-THE DIACONOMY In the hours of darkness no one knows my own heartbeat, the ways to which I create, Within the legends of time no one knew me in a way that you did, Sitting under the moonlight I listen to the tides of life’s song, The silence echoes unto my world for she now walks in the shadows of Luna. This night I sit under the gateway of the moonlight, Each waking day I pray unto thee for an answer When one night a shadow came unto me, “Child of light can you forgive use for what we have done?” Slowly a smile came unto me, “For years I have protected for years I have followed the di’arta” The shadow bowed its head, “You took the one thing that meant the most just to see if I would become stronger, you took my true love, why?” I dost asked. The wind came thru the willow tree, “I refuse to give up, this I pray tell you my path though I walk alone,” The light of the moon swept through glistening unto the waters as Black Panther Began to rise from the waters, The spirit the shadow begins to back up, “Etore panthera, how is this possible?” I stand up smiling, “Humanity is but a shell of dreams. My spirit the spirit of love will not bend. I will not give up. IF I alone must speak for my soul mate, then I shall for I am me.” April 25th, 2012: I thought of you today and I sense that you might try and reach out to me. I said a little prayer and lit a white candle. I love you and will stand by you. I vow to you that I will show what true love does. I know that you remain silent and that is your way. I will stand guard waiting for you. No matter what I do nothing seems to be reaching you. I went on a dream quest...nothing. I created podcasts to reach you…nothing. I have texted you…nothing…I guess I am nothing to you. I remember the way you used to look at me. I remember the first DATE. MAY 1ST, 2012: I wish you would talk to me. I am having dreams that you have moved on, that you no longer love me and that what we had was just your way of getting what you wanted - that you used me. Please tell me that I am wrong. I wish you would respond to me, even if to tell me to go to hell. You just stopped talking to me. Yet I see on Facebook that you are reading my messages thanks to a new feature that they have. Why are you ignoring me? I know that I am persistent however I refuse to give up. I made a promise to you and I am not going to break it. All my life I have fought for what I believe in and I will fight for you no matter what. It takes one belief to carry a nation. It’s an old expression meaning it only take one to carry a group. I will carry you if I have to. I know I have been calling you and texting you to reach out to you and you have not answered. Please forgive me for however what is wrong Danielle? I have learned that we need to stand by one another and I will stand by you no matter what? I will forgive you no matter what because I know I am different. I must go as I am crying right now and I can’t seem to compose myself.
On March 14th, 2012, Danielle sends me a text that would become the last text. I would never receive another text after this one. Danielle texts me asking if I was off the next day and that she would call me. Danielle never called. Danielle never responded to my calls to her as I waited for her call to me. For thirty days I pondered this meaning. It did not make sense. Why would someone text someone that they were going to call and never call? I take all of Danielle’s letters that she ever sent to me and had several friends look at them. I wanted them to analyze the letters to see what the hell was going on and what I was missing. There had to be an answer. Jack was the last one to read the letters that Danielle sent me. I had known that if anyone could interpret the letters that Jack could. He was very good at interpreting. Jack looks at me across the table holding the letters in his hands shaking his head in confusion. “I don’t know what to say, Kat. Based on these texts, Danielle is very deeply in love with you. This is crazy. What the hell is wrong with her?” Jacks asks. I sit at the booth in the restaurant. Nothing made sense. “I don’t get it. I get that I am different but this is off the chart.” Jack looks at me with dismay, “Just keep moving forward, she will come back. I mean for the love of Spirit she herself said that you were better than what she asked for. Even talked of how she wanted to spend the rest of her life with you.” I had an idea. I just had to figure out how to make it a reality. “What if she thinks she can’t do it? What if there are other people thinking like this?” I said. “Oh Jesus what are you thinking, Kat?” Jack asks. I started to write down a plan. “What if I create a new podcast series geared to lesbian women? showing them that they are not alone that they are strong enough. If Danielle sees this video series like she has been watching all my podcasts from One Voice then she will realize that she is not alone. Then she will make contact and we can talk,” “Only you Kat. You just won’t give up, “Jack chuckles. For the next month I would examine the lesbian culture and how life impacted us. Originally the series was going to be called OUTSPOKEN. A dear friend, Ms. Deb, reminded me that outspoken was already copyrighted. I decided to change it to OUTSPokenWYN. The name change would not occur ‘til April 15th, 2012. The first podcast was on April 14th, 2012. I stood in front of the camera and passionately said, “In the milestones of who we are, it took one voice to change our future. We will not give in. One voice was originally designed to do quick reality type camera snip its sending a message of hope into the community. Today marks a historic change of the evolution of One Voice. One voice shall now give rise to a new mini-series called OUTSPokenWYN It is not enough to send the message of hope. It is not enough to stand by a friend and say it will get better. One must show one must really talk about our life because in doing so we are not alone. OUTSPOKEN shall be an n open forum discussing every day things that might be affecting us. The greatest search that people are looking for is connection…” The podcast lasted six minutes and eight seconds. You can find the link to the podcast at http://www.Facebook.com/photo.php?v=361020357277396 On April 16th, 2012 I created Episode 2 titled “The Measure of a Woman”. Every day we are judged and measured for either performance, if we are good mother, a good friend, a lover, etc. Then assumptions are made and we try to live up to those expectations. Enough! We live our lives; don't we have enough to deal with? On April 19th, 2012 I created Episode 3; Catalysts of Change. We all have changes in our life...sometimes we make mistakes...sometimes we cry at night and laugh in the day...come with me to the edge and let's fly... On April 24th, 2012 I decided to do Episode 4: Womyn and Love. My thought was damn it I know she is watching these podcasts. Why the hell is Danielle not responding? I decided to do one last ditch effort to try and reach her. You have the right and deserve to be loved. OUTSPokenWYN began to take a life of its own. I was not paying attention to the various lives it was touching. I began receiving the following comments as feedback. It blew me away. They read as the following:
1-Very well said Katherine! I too believe that we all need someone to listen or talk or just let us know that we are valued as a person. I am excited for your new journey and new found strength! Continue with your path and never give up on what you feel in your heart to be truth. Love the concept and am here to contribute as well. Peace and Love to you and all of us that are fighting to just be who we are. FROM EPISODE TWO:
FROM EPISODE THREE:
FROM EPISODE FOUR:
While initially I created OUTSPokenWYN as a venue in hopes that Danielle might be watching, the series grew a life of its own. My discovery and realization of how it was touching lives led me to take the series to a different direction. The series needed me and it was time to start doing my calling and help others. Today I appreciate that in the past my desperation led to this series, I often wonder about my past self during this time of processing. I look upon myself then and see a desperate inner child wanting to be loved so much that she was in chaos, consumed with trying to find self value. I really that that I needed Danielle to love me to validate my own existence. The truth is that I needed to validate myself. I took the loss of Danielle’s love as the loss of my mother’s love. I did not realize that at the time when this was going on. I was wounded person trying to make sense of the reality that I was in. I truly loved Danielle with all my heart and soul. She was the first woman I was ever in love with and returned my love for a time. She awakened me on so many levels including my womanhood sexually. While at the time, I was hurt by Danielle, I found appreciation down the road. Danielle was my catalyst of change. Danielle’s actions, behavior and words confused me during this time with her mixed messages that I perceived as a glimmer of hope. I was in a reactive mindset. A reactive mindset occurs when a person is in chaos and their mind begins to create stories as to why the chaos is going on to reestablish a balance. The mind then begins to react to all emotions as an attempt to do a system restore in the chaos. I do feel embrassement as I reacted so strongly and desperately. My inner child was crying. The loss of Danielle’s love triggered my memories of the past. I tried not to face my inner child that was in pain because she reminded me of the pain I had endured and never dealt with. Yet her pain would become my strength to seek counseling and healing discovering myself.
The date is May 3rd, 2012, a prelude to a truth that I would discover on May 8th 2012. I remember this day that my acquaintance Anne called me. She always found out the strangest things. She would show up at the most unusual times. She was just getting off work and went to this coffee shop. This particular coffee shop always gave free coffee away on Thursdays. Anne was calling me to let me know that she was going to the coffee shop. I told her to stop haunting the coffee shop. She laughed as she went inside the coffee shop when suddenly Anne’s cell phone went silent as she was talking to me. I was like what the hell is going on. After fifteen minutes Anne would tell what happened. Anne went inside the coffee shop. There were a lot of people there getting free coffee. Anne approached the counter and she gasps when she realizes who was behind the counter. She immediately placed her phone in her pocket. The woman was Danielle. Danielle looks at Anne becoming unnerved realizing who Anne was. Danielle has a pale face at the realization that this woman found her and was going to tell me. “What can I get you?” Danielle asks. Anne tries to play it off realizing oh shit this is Kats ex finance behind the counter. Anne thought what the hell was really going on? This was so wrong on so many levels. Katherine was at home calling people every day wondering why Danielle won’t call her. Danielle had said that she worked for a catering company. Worse yet this coffee shop was only five minutes away from Kat’s restaurant. Danielle never once reached out to her. “Hey, how’s it going?” Anne asks. Danielle becomes very forceful and stern, “What can I get you?” Danielle demanded. “Hmm…coffee?” Anne asks. “Hot or cold?” Danielle asks. “Hot.” Anne responds. Danielle pours the coffee and gives Anne a card about financial services. Danielle taps on the counter. “Check this out” Danielle stated. Danielle wasn’t friendly with Anne. Danielle wanted Anne out of the shop. Once Danielle served Anne her coffee she was ignored by Danielle. It was to the point of rudeness. Anne is shocked as she walks out of the coffee shop walking to her truck. “Kat, you won’t believe who just served me coffee? Anne said. I was very upset for being ignored for like fifteen minutes. “Who?” I ask. “Danielle. She was behind the counter and her daughter was there along with the woman that owns the shop.” I almost choked on my cigarette. I suddenly reflected on what the voice of reason told me back in March. On March 20th, 2012 Danielle had befriended this woman on a social media platform, who only had one friend. It would be revealed that this was her girlfriend. The voice of reason told me, “Only one reason someone friends someone that has only one friend. They are involved.” I was in shock over Danielle working at the coffee shop. What the hell was really going on? I was determined to friend the coffee shop owner on Facebook and put a stop to everyone that was telling me that Danielle moved on. Danielle just needed time and space. I had thought this so strongly. The journey would soon come to an end.
Nothing was making sense after Anne’s discovery of Danielle working behind the counter in the coffee shop. Why would Danielle be working there? If she had been working there this whole time, five minutes away from me, then why didn’t she stop by and at least say goodbye, hello or go to hell? I began to put the pieces of the odd puzzle together. All the times, she wouldn’t introduce me to the family but as a friend, the recent missed dates, and her distance. The picture was forming to something that I didn’t like. The answer to finding out came. Facebook. On May 7th, 2012, I decided to reach out to the coffee shop owner whom I shall only call the Coffee Shop. I thought that since Danielle was working that this might be the opportunity to reach out to Danielle, and find the truth. My intentions were twofold. To make contact with Danielle and find out why she was there working. I was deeply concerned due to the lack of contact. Danielle never followed up on us having drinks. Danielle went completely silent in her communications. Danielle had not returned any of my phone calls since March 14th, 2012. The trick was to gain the trust of the coffee shop owner so that she would communicate the truth. I would need to befriend her on Facebook first, and then get the answers in a roundabout way. A trick I have learned from being a district manager and restaurant manager that I utilized on my crew. I went to face book to find the owner of the Coffee Shop. The actual name of the business has been changed. The Coffee Shop immediately accepted my friendship on face book and we began texting to each other. The Coffee Shop admitted that she was the owner. Excellent. I started to get excited thinking that I might find Danielle and tell her that I love her. The Coffee Shop and I begin a series of text messages to each on private instant messenger. I always keep my texts. A ritual I learned in management in case I ever need them. The coffee shop responds, “Thank you for adding us as a friend. We take great pride in our coffee and believe it is among the best in the area!” What a great opportunity as I love coffee. I now had a common ground to talk with this owner and lead into finding out any information on Danielle. I take a sip of my coffee. “You are welcome. I will have to come and visit your shop. I have heard a lot of your shop and that your coffee surpasses Starbucks.” I waited to see what she was going to say as I lit a cigarette sitting behind my laptop anxiously waiting to get to the main point. The coffee shop responds, “We have special hours this week as we support teacher appreciation week and other community events. We will be open 6-2 Mon-Thur and 6-10 Fri and Sat and will be closed Sunday for Mother's Day. That was nice now that I know the hours of the coffee shop. I decided to carry on with more idle small talk. This would put the owner at ease and build up to finding more information. “Okay that is good to know. However you have regular hour’s next week right?” I text. The Coffee Shop responds with, “We deliver and cater events as well.” The owner just texted the magic word catering. Danielle was a team captain for one of the most prominent catering companies here in San Antonio Texas. If I could start a conversation about catering, I could say I know someone that could help her if she ever needed it. Then I could say yeah my friend is Danielle. “That is also awesome, catering can be intense. By the way my name is Kat. I work downtown and help set up in the mornings and I admire those in caterings.” I had hoped that by mentoring catering that somehow Danielle would come up in the conversation. I waited patiently as I continued to texted the owner of the coffee shop. All I knew so far was the owner was a woman, hours of operation and that they do catering. I take a deep breath in and out. “We have been involved for many years in catering and service.” The Coffee Shop texted. “That is great. It’s a pleasure to meet you. Do you have soy for your coffee?” I asked. Thoughts were going crazy in my head. I wanted so much to just bust out and ask her about Danielle. However, that would spook the owner. I needed to establish a line of trust with this person. In establishing trust, the owner would freely tell me what I needed to know. Why was Danielle working at the coffee shop behind the counter when Anne came in? I needed to put my mind to rest about Danielle and figure out what was really going on. “We offer several dairy free options including soy, rice, coconut and almond alternatives. My name is Hilda, and it is a pleasure meeting you.” Now I knew that the owner’s name was Hilda. That was a good sign in communication. She was beginning to get personal with me. “You are welcome just thought you should know...how long has your shop been open now...that must be intense being a G.M. of a coffee shop or are you the owner..I love to get to know people. We never know how we can help one another.” I texted. “I own the coffee shop, and several other businesses. I have had the coffee shop about 6 months.” Now it was getting annoying a little bit. Hilda was talking about her business. I needed to figure out how to get more in depth with her. I decided to talk about my achievements by texting, “that rocks...what are the other businesses that you own? you sound multi talented like me...I write books, bartend downtown, do private parties as a bartender and work as an activist in the gay and lesbian community.” The coffee shop texts, “I also am a business consultant and an activist in the gay and lesbian community.” Bingo I thought. The owner is lesbian and she sees herself as an activist in the community. I knew exactly where to invite her to in order to see her response. Once she realizes that I am a lesbian too, she will really open up. “That is great....you should check out this networking event on Wednesday night. It’s at a local wine and pub 6pm to 9pm and it’s for lesbian’s women business owners.it’s free to attend” “Very interesting...I will have to see what mine and my partners schedule is like so I can try to attend.” The text was coming in, as I lit another cigarette when I saw partner’s schedule. Suddenly, I became very nervous the moment the coffee shop owner said partner. I feared that this woman would say that her partner was Danielle. My apartment door suddenly knocks. I run to the door. What timing. I am trying to find the truth. It was some woman going door to door selling perfume. I just look at her, “No thanks, I rather stink today. Bye.” I said abruptly closing the door and running back to the computer. What do I do now? Was that the reason Danielle was at the coffee shop? I needed push forward to find the truth. I was scared of her answer. “It is always a great honor to meet a fellow activist. That rocks...I will put you and your partner on the list so that there will be a seat saved for you...Even if you don’t attend or not able to at least your names will be there...sound cool sorry for the play on word::) I will tell the facilitators. They are always happy to see new folk may I ask your partners name so I might put it on the list instead of saying partner” I stayed clued to the laptop waiting to see what the name of her partner is. I was beginning to breathe heavy, panicking. So many thoughts were running in my head. While waiting I ask God, “Please don’t say Danielle.” She responds, “Sounds great! Thank you. Danielle” The moment that Hilda, The Coffee Shop owner, typed the name of her partner as Danielle, reality changed. My heart sank to the very depths of my stomach. I became nauseas over the whole idea. While I wanted to know why Danielle had been at the coffee shop, I didn’t expect that truth. I jumped off my bed screaming, “It can’t be true.” The owner had no reason to lie to me as she obviously didn’t know who I was. If she didn’t know who I was then Danielle never told her about me. My thoughts went to “does this woman know what she just walked into?” It was not my place to tell this woman. I frantically put out my cigarette and lit another one. I do have the right to know all of the truth since Danielle rejected proper closure. I decided to continue the text conversation to see what else I could learn. I kept reminding myself, stay calm, find the truth and all will be revealed. Slowly, I type, “Wow. Congratulations. How long have you two been together as partners or do you mean business partners....it’s always great to see fellow ladies out there doing it.” A part of me was hoping that I had jumped to conclusions that partners meant intimate partners. Perhaps she meant only business partners. “Both...we have one company together so far and looking to add more over time.” “Wow, business and personal....that must be hard to juggle....Congratulations.” I want to puke saying the words of congratulations however I needed to say that word to learn more of the truth. A company together, business and personal was devastating to me. Back in October of 2011, Danielle revealed to me that one of her dreams was to own a bar. I thought it would be cool to buy one for her. I had asked Jack if he knew anyone that might be selling a bar. Jack said that he would look around. I even asked Jack that if we found a bar to buy would he be security and he agreed. In my excitement I had told Danielle who responded with, “I could never work with the woman that I sleep with, involved with and work with. Nothing against you but I want you to be my own private sanctuary.” Now it’s revealed she is sleeping with the woman that she works with at the coffee shop that owns it and they are planning on more business’s. How far does this rabbit hole go? “It actually is very easy for us and I am very blessed” the coffee shop types” Now this woman is going to rub it in how easy it is for them. Okay Kat, calm down. She doesn’t know who she is texting to. I felt betrayed. I worked my ass off to get my days off with Danielle. Yet Danielle found time to be with Hilda, the owner of this coffee shop. How does that work? My instant thought went to “Bitch, do you know the hell I went through to be with you?” I needed to continue. “That is so fantastic when personal partners come together and have a business...How long have you been together if I may ask...I always tell people love is blessed” “We have known each other for quite a while, but officially been together three months,” she responds. The moment she typed officially I instantly thought “what about unofficially” What did the hell did I walk into? I take a deep sigh and continue to type. “Congratulations ..officially and unofficially. She sounds like a good woman. Congrats! I am by far not happy for them. I am pissed. This woman was gloating that she was with Danielle. “Thank you,” the coffee shop types. “Sounds serious...well know that I am happy for you,” I respond. “Thank you very much. I'd like to think we are as we move forward in business and personal ventures,” she types. I needed to know more. “Is the relationship serious....I know from having a business that a strong foundation at home is key.” I type as I hold back tears. “Yes. We have a very solid foundation that we continue to build upon as we merge our businesses and families and seek more new and diverse opportunities on each front. I was crushed in my heart and soul. Danielle and I made plans last December to have me move in with her in March of 2012. Now she is living with this woman and merging their families. Where had I been in this equation? I was her finance who was giving her time and space. “Well, much luck on your love...You have my blessing because Danielle is a great person,” I typed back. The very fact that I wrote much love on their luck was making me sicker. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I went to the bathroom and threw up. I clean up and go back to the computer. “Thank you very much! I appreciate and invite all blessings. I think we can never have enough positive energy flowing our way” she responded. “Yes...let her know please that an old friend KAT said hello” “I will let her know tonight when she gets home. It has been lovely chatting and I always enjoy talking to business minded women,” she typed. When she gets home? Oh no, this is not happening. I thought fucking aye, they are living together. What the hell was I thinking in finding the truth? I was not going to tell this woman who I was until she said that. Then I realized wait a few months that means in February when I gave Danielle the car and she lied about not being with someone. No Ma’am this woman has a right to know “Thank you for telling me the truth....let her know that her ex finance says hello. and that I wish you much happiness...Everything happens for a reason..Have a great day....That means Feb. 7th (3 months), right after the breakup and before signing over the car...interesting...Either way...There is a spot saved for you and Danielle on Wednesday....Anything you ever need let me know only because it’s Danielle. I realized the truth. Danielle was with Hilda prior to me giving Danielle the car. I realized that Danielle played me so I would hand over the car to her. The truth hit me like a ton of bricks. Danielle was never coming back. Danielle lied that she needed time and space to figure out her family. I was nothing to Danielle. Danielle wanted to get rid of me to be with Hilda. I thought that Danielle was a mother fucking coward. I wanted the new girlfriend to figure that out. I had to tell her however I did not want to come across as an evil ex girlfriend. Danielle told a lie and the new girl had to know. I did not want to see her get hurt either like I had been hurt by Danielle. After this instant message conversation I reacted out of anger and texted Danielle the following text messages: TEXT ONE: “Afternoon…Why couldn’t you tell me that you moved on…your current girlfriend told me that you and her were partners for three months…both personal and business..I would have done anything for you…I would have understood…You said I would be the first to date…you promised me to have hope..I don’t get it..I love you deeply and you made me feel like I am nothing. Irony is if you were to talk to me I would still love you and be there because I promised you. Instead I have everyone else telling me that I am an idiot to believe…forgive me that I was not enough for you…I never wanted to be different.” TEXT TWO: “I even disavowed friends because they did not believe in us. What you did was worse than any rape that my mother did to me. You lied about our promises, your promises, getting married to me. You and my mother are the same manipulative people. The funny thing is I still believe in you and love …all you had to do was tell me and not have your girlfriend tell me how you merged your families and what not…either way…many blessing to you..I am going back to my corner and finish crying.” TEXT THREE “I apologize if I seem snarky. I felt like and still feel like nothing because this woman claiming to be your girlfriend is telling how great it is to be with you….I don’t get it…was I that bad…have a good day.” Danielle never responded to the text messages. I was at a loss at her lack of response. I would have responded. She was a coward in my eyes. ANOTHER DAY OF TRUTH The date is May 8th, 2012. Danielle didn’t respond to any of the texts that I sent her last night. The comment about my mother was exceptionally cruel however I am angry. Now my thoughts started to think about the new girlfriend. What if they compared notes? The new girlfriend had done nothing wrong. I was feeling a little guilty that I had played her to get the answers that I was seeking. I wanted to apologize. I waited anxiously to see her response. I sat down at my computer and saw that she had responded. “I'm sorry that I dropped a bomb for you. I had no idea when we were talking that you were Danielle's ex. I had absolutely no intention of coming across as gloating or anything else as I didn't know.” The coffee shop responded. This was my chance to apologize. “It’s okay. It was a surprise because I did not expect Danielle to move on so quickly I have nothing against you. Please, don’t worry.” “I apologize when we began speaking and even after until your last comment I had no idea.” I could that by the coffee shop kept apologizing that she didn’t know who I was. “It’s okay, as long as Danielle is happy,” I texted. It was not okay. However I wasn’t going to show envy or sadness. I was not going to give Danielle that satisfaction. I felt that Danielle played a game on me. How dare she go to my friends and say how she was in love with me. How dare she make a promise to me that she would never abandon me. I was beyond devastated. I was bested by a coffee shop owner. How rude!!! The worst part is that this woman had the decency to apologize. She did not even know that I was Danielle’s ex girlfriend and ex finance. She probably did not know that Danielle promised to marry me. I thought what a sad state of affairs. Again, the owner apologized. “I just wanted to take a minute and apologize because I didn't intentionally tell you anything or try to cause you hurt.” “Just surprised was all because Danielle has not said anything and I was worried because we usually talk. May I ask one question?” I typed. “Yes”
I was afraid to ask the next question. I had to ask for the purpose of closure. At least Hilda had the respect to answer. I really didn’t want to know the answer. However, I had come this far. “Is she happy? Okay I have two. LOL. I am just a caring person and that is why I ask.” “She is very happy, even the kids say she is happy.” That answer hurt. Even the kids, I thought. Wow. Danielle even introduced her to the kids. I was never introduced as the girlfriend but a friend. I was the fiancée. “That is cool. Well, I always wish the best for you two. Danielle is good people.” I typed. It wasn’t cool at all. However my response was the honorable one. Danielle wasn’t good people. “Second question?” the coffee shop asked. “It’s none of my business however to just give a piece of my mind,” I responded. “She is, and I know you are as well,” Coffee shop stated. The next question was going to be difficult however if anyone can answer it would the new girlfriend. “Thank you. Was it something I did or was it just not the right mix. I am glad that she is happy. Did you tell her I said hello? Well, I appreciate you and thank you for letting me know,” I asked. I lit a cigarette waiting for the answer. “I know you are a caring person and you deserve a fabulous woman. She speaks highly of you and thinks you are a wonderful woman just not the perfect match for her. Don't apologize, I understand being in love and needing closure.” Hilda’s response tore me apart. Danielle told her that she and I was not a perfect match. Yet Danielle allowed me to give her a car, give her a computer and pay for insurance. Danielle made promises during sexual encounters that she had prayed for me and that I was her answer. Danielle told my friends how she was so in love with me. Danielle never once said that we were not a perfect match during that fateful day that she needed time and balance for her family. Instead Danielle told me to have hoped that she would return to me. Hilda stated I understand being in love. That sounded like I was the only one in love. I was pissed. Danielle told me on several occasions that she was in love with me. Danielle even told a group of chamber members that she was in love with me. Danielle even told my brother in Australia that she was in love with me. For all that is holy, Danielle told my brother what to put on my engagement ring. Danielle even cried when I gave her the engagement rings. Danielle stated, “You are my wife!? I kept thinking about how were we not a perfect match? It was a lie. I was devastated. I was nothing. Tears poured down my face as I typed. “Well, thank you. I just wished she had told me.” “I did tell her you said hello and she said you called, however she was at work ‘till early morning hours,” the coffee shop responded. “Cause I would have understood. I really would.” “I think she tried in her own way, but was never blunt as she did not want to hurt you,” I wrote back. Hilda made it sound like that Danielle pitied me. It pissed me off. “When did you two start dating...I am just curious is all. Well, at least now there is closure. And I would still like to be your friends. If that is cool,” I asked. “I really can't tell you the official day, I'm not sure, but I do know it was after you guys.” I have to say one thing on this text message. Every lesbian I know and every person I know whether or not they are in a relationship or not, knows one thing. They know the day they slept with someone and when they got together officially. I mean if you don’t know, then when is your anniversary? This meant one thing. Hilda knew that Danielle was involved with me and did not want to tell me when because that would mean that Danielle was cheating on me. The lies continue to a deeper level and I was sick by it all. I needed to know if the girlfriend knew about the car. After all I went into debt for 5,000 for Danielle to have a car. I felt that I had the right to know. “She still drive the Honda Alantra? That was a silly little car.” “Yes, I just had to replace the alternator and next week will be doing the power steering pump.” “Wow...again thank you for helping me understand. I hope that Danielle knows I am her friend and will always be a friend. She stopped talking and I did not understand,” I typed. The truth was that I was just being nice. I was angry that I found out on Facebook by a new girlfriend and that Danielle didn’t have the balls to tell me in person. “No problem, like I said, it was never my intention to hurt you or you to feel like you had been blindsided” the coffee shop typed. “You would do the same if a friend just went poof. I felt blinded because Danielle did not tell me HOWEVER I understand” I was hoping that the coffee shop owner understood that I had felt guilty for playing her for answers. “I think she just didn't want to hurt you and radio silence was her solution.” Radio silence was not a solution. That was a coward’s way out. “Well I hope in time she will talk to me. Because she is good people and I will always be a friend. Yes I was a bit upset however I get it.. I wanted to lure Danielle out so that I could confront her about what she had done to me. I thought by pretending that I was okay with the situation that Danielle would come out of hiding and face me like a real woman. “I'm sure. She just wants to ensure she is not hurting you by you seeing us together.” The thought of seeing them together was sickening. Especially when you see the picture of the coffee shop owner. She could pass for my twin sister. “NO she won’t...I promise you because now I understand and I am honorable that way.” I responded “I'm sure we will all get together soon” the coffee shop said. I could not believe that Hilda thought that we could all get together as though nothing had happened. The very thought of getting together made me sick to my stomach. My conversation with Hilda would continue about how they found time management and how they always find time together because they were in love with one another. I couldn’t stomach continue putting the conversation in this memoir as it was very disturbing to me. I was angry and pissed. I was hurt and crying. I refused to allow the new girlfriend to know that I was hurting. That would show that Danielle won. It would show that I allowed Danielle to hurt me. I was hurting deeply. Danielle found time to be with the new girlfriend and not me. I felt like chopped liver. I was nothing in Danielle’s eyes. What hit me the most was the lie Danielle told me about how she gave the book to someone to read that was close to her. Danielle valued this woman’s opinion. When I asked who it was, Danielle said just a friend. Now I know it was the new girlfriend. I felt used and like trash. I wondered if there was ever a moment of truth in our relationship. The other part that deeply ripped me was that the new girlfriend made it sound that I needed closure . Hilda made it seem that I was the only one in love and that Danielle was never in love with me. Danielle made it seem like she was taking pity on me. I felt betrayed. It was officially over. I felt so stupid for believing the promises Danielle told me. I felt like I walked into a land mine. What have I done? It really angered me that Danielle and her new girlfriend made it seem that I was the only one in love and not Danielle. There were questions that I could not help but wonder about. If I was not the perfect match then why accept the rings, the car, the laptop, allow me to pay for the insurance? Why tell me that you needed time to find you when in fact you wanted time to be with someone else..That is a cowardly act in my eyes. I remember calling Anne screaming at her and telling her how come everyone is so deceitful yet I am expected to be honorable. Anne had no answer but one, “Because you love deeply. You are honorable because it’s the way. I know that is not what you want to hear however it’s who you are.” I remember thinking that is a shit answer.
The girlfriend looks just like me and could be considered my twin. They met at the same time as Danielle and I got together. When the holidays came around, Hilda was with Danielle. Danielle told the family the only reason that I was there spending it with them was that she had pity on a lonely woman with no family. The overtime that Danielle had done did not exist. She was really with the other woman spending time with her “girlfriend”. Danielle told the family and girlfriend that I sold the car to Danielle. The laptop was bought by Danielle. I was introduced as a friend because Danielle felt bad for me. Danielle admitted we had only a few dates and that was it when she discovered I fell in love, she broke it off. Everyone believed Danielle because she covered her tracks. Apparently Danielle had done this to her other girlfriends however I was the first to find out because of my determination. The girlfriends never compared notes either. When I had confronted the new girlfriend or old one, Danielle banned all contact with me saying I was the only one I love. Furthermore Danielle told the Girlfriend she couldn’t be with someone that was raped like me especially by my own mother. This information was found through the text messages I later received. I am not sharing them as it was hurtful and ugly. Honor begets honor. Now I understand what the ghost apparition of my sister Sarah was trying to tell me in the apartment fire. Danielle was lying and telling an ugly version of her own reality for manipulation. Since thing I have come to understand behavioral cycles within people. Danielle just did what was taught to her. I hold no ill will towards Danielle. She chose this action of manipulation which is just like my own mother. Selfish to the end. I do believe wholeheartedly that what Danielle did was bullshit.
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and I was going to hit hard.