Ephesians

The Two Steps of Forgiveness

In Ephesians 4:31 Paul begins to list for us the kinds of attitudes and actions that grieve the Holy Spirit: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” Certainly, the sins Paul described earlier in this chapter cause the Holy Spirit to grieve, but sins such as lying and stealing are obvious and easily discerned. More subtle and deceptive are those sins we harbor within, where others can’t see. Bitter attitudes, simmering anger, slander, and malice can easily be masked by an insincere smile. What are these sins?

Bitterness is a hard, cynical outlook toward life and toward other people. Rage is a hotheaded, explosive passion we refuse to restrain. Anger is a boiling inner desire to punish others and take revenge in your own hands. Brawling is a loud, confrontational attitude toward others, an eagerness to get in someone’s face and intimidate them. Slander is speech that injures others—a crafty, subtle rumor-mongering that destroys reputations. Malice is malignity—a dark, brooding hunger for seeing others hurt. We may rationalize these feelings as justifiable because of what someone has done to us, but these sins are destructive to ourselves and others. They bring grief and sorrow to the Holy Spirit within us.

Paul goes on to give us the solution in Ephesians 4:32: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” That is the essence of Christianity. That is the nature of the Holy Spirit within us. The more we give ourselves over to the control of the Spirit, the more kind, compassionate, and forgiving we become—and the more Christian (that is, Christ-like) we become.

“But Ray,” you might protest, “You don’t know what I’m up against! You don’t know what this person or that person has done to me! If you were in my shoes you wouldn’t be able to forgive either! I can’t forgive that person—so don’t ask me to!” I have heard many Christians say that to me over the years. And there may well be a sense in which this is true.

When you feel you cannot forgive someone, it is because you are trying to take step two before you have taken step one described in Ephesians 4:31-32, where the two steps are given in their proper order. Step one, as stated in verse 31, is to deal with the bitterness, rage, anger, brawling, slander, and malice in your own life. So first you must deal with your own sin, your own attitude. Then you can go on to step two, forgiveness. You cannot forgive while your attitude is all wrong. That is where the Christian must begin.

But that’s not where we want to start, is it? We want to start with the other person, with the irritation, pain, and humiliation he or she has caused us. But God says, “No, first remove the big wooden plank of sin in your own eye—then you will see clearly how to remove the sawdust speck of sin from your brother’s eye” (see Matthew 7:3-4 and Luke 6:41-42). Begin with yourself and your own sins. That is the first step. Then you will be able to take the second step, forgiveness.

And how are we to forgive? “Just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). Our forgiveness is to be patterned after that of the One who forgave us. His forgiveness—which He expressed toward the woman caught in adultery (see John 8:3-11), the paralytic (see Matthew 9:1-8; Mark 2:1-12; Luke 5:18-26), and those who crucified Him (see Luke 23:34)—was instantaneous, abundant, and complete. He didn’t forgive as we usually do, making sure that the other person has suffered and squirmed enough first. We take great pleasure in extracting our pound of flesh before we reluctantly and grudgingly say, “Well—all right, I forgive you.” The forgiveness of Jesus was an immediate release of a sinner from condemnation. That is the pattern He has set for you and me.

Have you forgotten how God forgave you in Christ? The Lord’s Supper is designed to remind us of all He has forgiven us, in order that we would forgive each other the same way. Think of it: He forgave you before you repented, didn’t He? He forgave you before there was any sign of turning on your part. The moment you turned to Him in repentance, you discovered that His forgiveness was already there.

We see His forgiveness illustrated in the parable of the prodigal son and the loving father (see Luke 15:11-32). That father’s heart yearned after the offending son, despite the boy’s selfish, willful, stubborn rebellion. The father stood on a hill every day, hoping for his boy’s return, longing to take the boy in his arms and open to him a heart overflowing with forgiveness. The moment he finally saw his son off in the distance, returning home, the father ran to the boy and flung his arms around the boy’s neck and showed him forgiveness.

Not only did God forgive us even before we repented, but He forgave us despite all the hurt we have caused Him. We say, “I know I should forgive, but you don’t know how much that person hurt me!” But God does know—and He has forgiven you of all that and more. He has forgiven you of a lifetime of sin and rebellion that was so black and evil that it caused His Son to be nailed to a cross. But God does not desire revenge against you. He forgives you and loves you and wants to embrace you as His child.

God has forgiven everything you ever did against Him, and He will never remind you of it again, and never remember it Himself. We will remember, but God won’t. Paul called himself the “worst” of sinners (see 1 Timothy 1:15-16), because he was once a persecutor of the church. Paul never forgot that—but God did. God forgave him completely, through and through.

That is what our forgiveness is to be like. That is how our Christianity is made manifest to the world: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).