"Let’s Fix The Kids!" A parenting Resource Manual by

NOTE #3 - Middle born

Middle borns must look ahead to see what roles are already taken (student, superstar, athlete, clown, etc...) and determine if they will challenge the oldest and dethrone him, or pick another available role. Studies show that second borns tend to be opposite of first borns, so they can become either antagonistic or pleasers, depending on the older siblings. They feel they don’t get much respect; and they feel “lost” due to the lack of attention (the “baby” gets it). Therefore they hang out more with peers. Middle borns don’t feel special (like first or last). They become great team players because the group or team is there for them when often the family is not.

They usually become good negotiators, compromise well, get along with others and are the best adjusted adults. They will not leave a bad relationship, preferring instead to stick in there and make it work. Last to seek therapy, they are not confrontive because they don’t want to make waves. Most secretive of all, they also run with the pack (especially as teens). They are much less fearful and anxious than first borns, feel life was not fair for them, and although they become tenacious adults, they are not compulsive. First borns run interference for their more balanced “middle” siblings who often complain, “Everyone is running my life!” They feel dominated by parents and older kids and displaced by younger siblings.

NOTE #4 - Last Borns

Last borns are affectionate, rebellious, uncomplicated, absent-minded, clownish, disruptive, critical, temperamental, impatient and impetuous. They are like the zany TV weatherman, a performer, a showman, little “Sir John”, mischievous, overindulged, cute, the prankster, and irresponsible (lose things). The baby is coddled and cuddled and learns to live by his wits. All of the “firsts” (tying shoes, reading, riding bikes, potty training) are no big deal anymore, so they feel they are never big enough. Therefore they often develop an attitude of, “Ill show you!” and act in extremes to get attention.

They are the funniest, worst, loudest, most rebellious, best, etc., often playing the game of being worst or “baddest”. They are often compared and criticized, “Why can’t he catch on faster?” Everyone spoils the last born including parents, grandparents and siblings. Family rules are usually more relaxed, so the youngest gets away with murder! Last borns often need to “grow up” and take responsibility for life. Last borns are the first in debt when they get married.

NOTE: Don’t be permissive with last borns. BEWARE: They become tremendous manipulators! Give them responsibility, lots of work, and hold them accountable. Statistics show that they are the least disciplined, least responsible and most manipulative. Don’t get lazy on the last one, parents, but don’t let them get “clobbered” either.

Chapter 10

Parent

Education

and Study

Groups

What is the purpose of the study group?

This is a group that meets privately each week to study the “Let’s Fix the Kids!” parenting program. It encourages and supports its members by brainstorming the principles and options involved in the numerous problems that are brought up for discussion by parents attending the group. Nothing should ever be said or done that is outside the realm of teaching and discussing how principles might be applied to parenting challenges.

The study group is educational and supportive and designed to handle only problems that are considered within the normal range of human behavior. The group is not therapeutic and is not able to deal with the serious problems for which professional help should be sought. Studying this program should greatly raise your awareness of the harm that can be done to an individual because of ignorance of Correct Principles. If you ever suspect that someone needs help beyond normal parenting skills, immediately consult the proper professional.

When you have your group meetings, it is assumed they will be held in a private home. No fees or charges of any kind should ever be collected. The only conceivable expenses to group members might be for light refreshment costs if there are any and that would be on a voluntary basis only. The host family should not be expected to provide refreshments each week. Making financial profits can not become the purpose of holding parent study groups; they are to be held on a strictly nonprofit basis only.

How will the program work for you?

At one point in time the cofounders of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) found themselves very discouraged and sorely tempted to give up their dream of establishing the first ever organization for alcoholic recovery (run by alcoholics). At this time (feeling a great sense of failure) they noted that every single “alcoholic” they had been working with had gone back to the bottle. They were thinking of giving up in failure when suddenly it hit them; for the first time in their lives they were both still sober! Alcoholics Anonymous was not a failure after all!

The great lesson of that day was: The more you get involved in the program and the more you teach and help others, the better are your chances for staying sober. Many alcoholics who go to AA quit the program! They say that it doesn’t work for them. “I went! I listened! Everyone had a horror story. I had problems of my own so I left after attending a few meetings. AA didn’t help me at all!” How sad is denial!

Will the "Program" work?

People who say the program didn’t work for them are deceivers. They are still shifting the blame for their nonrecovery onto someone else and are not taking responsibility for their own recovery. “If the program had worked I’d be sober now!” Right! The truth is, not that the program didn’t work, but that they didn’t work the program! The program only works if you do! But it works wonders if the alcoholic follows the inspired twelve step program outlined in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Can I really start my own study group?

I’m not suggesting that you start an international parenting movement. However, I am suggesting that in a small way you do what the founders of AA did for others and themselves. After the first month or two I recommend that you take into your program one to four other families ( 6-8 people make an ideal group). Wait until you have studied all the material and have your program up and running but don’t wait too long; it doesn’t need to be “perfect”. There are many good reasons to do this. Following is a list of just a few.

1. Other families greatly need the principles taught in this program.

2. It is an effective way to give back for all you’ve been given. You grow when you give of yourself unselfishly to others.

3. You will have reinforced the importance of the principles in your life as you see success in the lives of others.

4. As you teach and discuss the program in the group your understanding of the principles will be enlarged and you will begin to internalize them.

5. You will benefit by listening to and participating in the problem solving process of other families’ problems. You will get great ideas for solving your problems. This is called “DOUBLE PARKING”.

    6. When your problems are discussed you will have the benefit of ideas and the encouragement and support from other group members.

    7. Meeting once a week keeps us focused and committed. When we know the group is going to ask for reports on how we did on our commitments from the previous week we are encouraged to follow through during the week.

    8. The group creates a parenting network of support people we can call during the week for help and encouragement. The support network is vital. Just knowing people are there if we need them is comforting and gives us the courage to try. We are “there” for others, and they will be “there” for us.

    9. Just knowing that we are not different, that all parents have similar problems, that raising kids is hard for everyone, is somehow comforting.

10. Other group members can look at your problems much more objectively and see many things you are blind to. They will give you much deeper insight into your family issues and possible solutions. (Never become defensive.)

11. By being very open and honest when discussing your parenting issues within your own parenting group you chase away the “goblins”. In the light these are not so bad. Discussing problems helps externalize them and solve them. Get things out into the open, exorcise these secrets and fears (your goblins), and they will flee from you.

12. You usually become very close to those you trust and confide in, and who trust and confide in you; therefore, the group promotes close relationships.

13. In learning to communicate better, being honest, courageous and open, you will improve all your relationships and begin to overcome your fears. You will develop more confidence and assertiveness.

14. You will have fun and personally grow!

What about parenting study groups?

TIME AND PLACE: A set time and place each week that is comfortable and private.

LENGTH: A group parenting meeting should not be longer than two hours.

SEATING: It is desirable to sit in a circle so everyone can see everyone else.

CHECKING IN: It is good to go around the circle at the beginning of the group meeting and let everyone “check in”. This procedure is for new introductions, etc. “Hi, I’m John. This is my wife, Susan. We have three children; a boy fourteen, a girl twelve, and our youngest daughter is seven.”

        If no introductions are necessary, try: “Hi, everyone. We’ve been fine-tuning our Token Economy program this week and thought everything was going well until John (14) announced he quits. He refused to honor his contracts or do the program anymore. We need some suggestions on how to handle such a situation.”

NEVER ALLOW LONGER THAN 60 SECONDS per person for “check in”. Problems and solutions will be discussed later. “Checking in” gives everyone a pretty good idea of who might have a real emergency that evening.

COMMITMENT TO ATTEND: People should be committed to attend the group for a predetermined length of time (ten weeks or so). When the time is up the issue of meetings and extending group commitments for another length of time would be discussed. Some people will go for one series, drop out for awhile, and then feel the need to rejoin the next cycle. People should not drop or enter the group mid-cycle.

What about selection

of group members?

This is your group, and for the first cycle or two you want it to be as easy as possible. Select 6-10 people you feel are congenial and will get along well. Please don’t be codependent and select the hardest cases in town (however needy). Select some level headed friends who are open minded and whom you feel will commit to the program. First discuss with them individually the basic purposes for a group and then mention the possibility of starting a group. Some considerations in selecting parents to invite are:

1. People who highly desire and value personal change.

2. People who realize they need help.

3. People who are sensitive to the needs of others.

4. People who genuinely want to improve their parenting skills.

5. People who are willing to take the “risks” of self-disclosure in discussing family problems, and giving and taking feedback.

BEWARE: Those who are self-centered, negative, or who are unable to keep confidences are not good candidates for a parenting study group. When you are more experienced and confident you can incorporate into your groups those with more challenging problems (more difficult personalities, fewer intersocial skills, etc.).

CURRICULUM: The basic philosophy and material for the group will be “Let’s Fix the Kids!”. There are hundreds of parenting books and programs to be found. If persons begin to teach other parenting philosophies and techniques it will introduce a myriad of conflicting concepts and ideas into the group and the result will be chaos. Therefore, the group needs to understand the problem and be in full agreement that the course of study is, and will continue to be, the philosophy and material in “Let’s Fix the Kids!” only.

THE HOST FAMILY: The host family (you) offers to share their “Let’s Fix the Kids!” program with the group. At the beginning of the meeting you could teach or explain some of the principles of the program to the group or listen to part of a tape and discuss it. Then turn to individual problems and issues. Sooner or later your attendees will want to borrow your tapes and listen again or share them with an absent spouse. You should not lend out your personal program or any part of it (or make copies) for several reasons. People lose things, ruin things, and if they can get the materials out of your hands they feel they don’t need the group any more. The group is essential for them and it’s very important for you. If you start lending tapes you will find that some will already have heard the tape you plan on using in the group, etc.

DON’T LOAN YOUR TAPES: or any other resource material! You are legally allowed to copy and provide forms to attendees from the Behavior Modification and Token Economy Chapters only. If your group is really serious, they will want to buy their own program. Anyway, if you lend your tapes (codependently) these people will never buy their own and that means failure. No matter how well your group goes, when they stop coming, in just a short time they will revert to their old ways again because they will not have the tapes to review and listen to. Also, they will need their own tapes, etc. to start their own groups which is essential for their future growth and success.

If they don’t have their own program the overwhelming probability is that they will fail to fully implement it. They will need the resource materials just as you and I did. You will make them dependent upon you and your family if you give in and accommodate them in any way so that they do not make the full commitment to obtain the program. You want your efforts to result in them becoming independent and starting other families off on the right parenting road. To be really successful they must eventually “graduate” from your group, start their own groups, and continue (like AA) to teach the program. The greatest successes come to those who share and teach the program to others. The teacher always learns the most! This is truth in the statements of "Teach it or (you'll) forget it" and "Share it or lose it!"

CONFIDENTIALITY: Select for your study groups only those people who will keep confidences. Anything and everything that is said in a parenting meeting that is about a family, person, situation, or feeling is of the utmost confidence and must never be mentioned or referred to outside of the group. What is said or done in the group stays in the group, no matter how small or insignificant you might think it is. The only things that can ever be mentioned outside group are the teachings and principles. Any person who will not (or can not) keep everything that goes on in a group meeting confidential cannot be allowed to participate in a group, regardless of their needs for the group and your friendship for them.

Remember, some people will not keep their mouths closed, they just can’t keep a secret, they are incurable gossips. Big mouths will destroy your group because people will not confide, self-disclose, or discuss personal parenting challenges in the group for fear that some “blabber mouth” will betray their confidence. Terrible damage can be caused by gossip. This issue must be clearly discussed when the group is first organized and reviewed often in group meetings. Everyone is put on their word of honor to never, never talk about the group, who attends, what is discussed, etc. Parents in the past have been overheard talking on the phone or even in the privacy of their own bedrooms. Children have big ears. So, if you are on the phone supporting other parents be careful that you only discuss your issues and that you never make reference to matters confidential to others because you will eventually be overheard by someone.

Some helpful hints and

pitfalls to avoid

CAN’T?? “I CAN’T” or “I CHOOSE NOT TO”. WHICH IS CORRECT? Many of us are in the habit of saying, “I can’t!” when it is not true. “I can’t!” claims we are without a choice; without power to act. “I can’t stand to send Sue to bed without dinner!” is an untrue statement. What Mom really means is: “It is so hard for me to send a child to bed without dinner that I choose not to do it.” Do not lie!

“I can’t!” is a wimpy statement habitually made by persons who are trying to avoid the responsibility of having to make a difficult decision and following through on it. Own your power! Claim your power! If it is true, say it! “I am having a difficult time following through and so far I have CHOSEN NOT to send Sue to bed without dinner for throwing a tantrum at the table. I COULD IF I CHOSE to but so far I have CHOSEN NOT to. Tonight if it happens again I will CHOOSE to send her to bed immediately or I will wimp out again and CHOOSE NOT to, but I CAN if I CHOOSE to!”

BLAMING: See the section on the Blame Game in Chapter 3 of the text. Teach that blaming is another way to shift or avoid responsibility. Don’t permit it in the group. Teach attendees to use “I” messages instead of accusative, critical “YOU” messages that offend and put everyone on the defensive and in a hostile mood. “I feel that...What I’m hearing is...Would this be helpful?...It seems to me...” are all good lead in comments. They sure beat, “You’re always rescuing Sue!” That is a critical, judgmental and condemning “You” statement and will probably not be well received.

REFLECTING statements or INTERPRETING observations? Reflect what you are seeing and feeling and not your interpretation of what someone is doing, thinking or feeling. Reflect what you are observing without giving it any personal evaluation or interpretation. “What I see is you clenching your fists and folding your arms and I hear your voice getting louder.” Not: “There’s no need to get so angry, George!”

“YES, BUT...! YES, BUT...! YES, BUT...!” A few people come to group that we call, “YES, BUTTERS”. They come each week to whine and complain and not to work or solve any problems. They just want attention and so it does not serve their purpose to solve their problems. They set traps for their friends who are honestly trying to be supportive. These people are easy to spot if you are forewarned. They play the, “YES, BUT...!” game. At first they act helpless and listen, but they never follow anyone’s advise. In their discouraged voice they typically relate their difficult (unresolvable) situations and then wait for the group to respond so they can play their favorite game. When the group makes suggestions and points out possible options, the “YES, BUTTER...!” discounts each suggestion by saying, “Oh yes, I’ve tried that, BUT...!” or something similar and then go on to explain how it won’t work, etc. Their game is to win by discounting each suggestion so that the group is exhausted (defeated) by trying to help.

Thus the “YES, BUTTER...!” gets constant focus and attention and confirms to himself that he doesn’t have to change because his problems are so difficult nothing can be done. But, he/she will be back next week to complain and whine again. These selfish people waste group time, frustrate everyone, and if allowed to continue the game, will discourage others to the point that they quit the group. Do not tolerate the “YES, BUTTER...!” Remember, these people do not want to solve their problems or they would gladly use the suggestions offered. Tell them, “John, I feel like you are ‘YES, BUTTING...!’ my suggestions. Please, just listen to the suggestions without discounting them!”

PITY PARTIES: These are a big no no! No martyrs, please. Stop the whining and complaining and get down to the business of taking action. Some people present themselves as helpless, weak, afraid, timid, too nice to do anything, etc. These are all cheap games to excuse their failures and to get sympathy. If allowed to continue, these will end in frustration and defeat. “Well John, what do you intend to do about it? What specific action are you going to take to keep the TV off? What are your options?” Get down to business, and stay there!

Support or codependency?

Support, encouragement and ideas are what the group offers each member. Do not foster dependency. Do not allow codependency. There is a world of difference between support and codependency (rescuing). Do not do for others what they can and should do for themselves. Teach and encourage, but the person with the problem has the responsibility to “act”.

Which parenting program?

“Let’s Fix the Kids!” is the parenting program taught and learned in the group. Other parenting books and programs may have wonderful ideas but they should not be introduced as supplementary material, because the result will be confusing, inconsistent and destructive in the long run. Master this program before looking elsewhere. Persons who insist on using other program materials should be encouraged to start and teach their own group after the other discipline.

Remember: this program was designed because many principles which are vital to a complete parenting program could not be found in any parenting program anywhere!

Thoughts or feelings?

Help people separate what they think from what they are feeling and what they feel from what they are thinking. Some parents are very emotional and need to “think” more. Others are into their heads too much and need to learn to “feel” more. Everyone needs to think well, feel deeply, and learn to distinguish when they are thinking and when they are feeling. We need to differentiate between our feelings and our thought processes. We must not let our emotions contaminate our thinking processes and override them, nor can we allow our thinking processes to drive out, or deny our emotions. To be properly balanced we need to feel and to think, and not let either dominate our lives.

What about monopolizers?

Some people will attempt to take over the group, for any one of several personal reasons. They seem to need to talk longer and more often than others and are insensitive to the needs of others. If they are not stopped they can discourage or destroy your study group. Ask them to be aware that others need a chance to speak too. Also, invite the more timid individuals to be more assertive, but don’t rescue them. One way is to ask the monopolizer privately to count to ten before responding, to limit their comments, or to just make very short comments.