Corporate America

I am such a danger for anyone who’s gay in the office and who wishes to keep it a dark and shameful secret. Because I am so openly gay, I can understand it could frighten anyone else still in the closet. The writer from North Hollywood still working at work, has been very nice to me from afar, saying good morning, smiling at me, but never re-invited me to go to lunch with him, and never takes the time to come and chat with me in the office. He keeps his distance. I’m just afraid that the Spanish Boy will act the same, not even want to tell me the truth in private. And yet, I have never betrayed the North Hollywood guy, I have not told one single soul that he was gay. And the Valley Girl certainly hinted at it, she asked me many times if he had admitted it to me, I did not told her. Now I think she must know, because they go to lunch together at least once a week, and so surely he would have told her? But she cannot keep a secret, the gossip central of the whole office, he must know that, so maybe even to her he did not say anything. And thinking back, he only told me in that restaurant that he was gay, because one minute before I told him I was. At that time I don’t think he knew I was openly gay, that the bosses knew from even before hiring me. So he must assumed I was going to keep it quiet, and therefore he would not have to worry about me speaking about it, since it would mean telling them I was as well.
Funny that despite all the openness about being gay, a great majority of them still live in the closet. There are not many good reasons to do so these days, I can’t think of any, since they are not likely to lose their jobs or be passed for a promotion. Perhaps they are afraid of simple prejudices in other people, their religious beliefs which could convince them that gay people are some sort of inferior race of people, an anomaly of nature. It is true that when it comes to America, and how they treat their gay people in their offices, I know nothing apart from what I have seen in my own company in Los Angeles. There it is not a problem, but God knows if it is elsewhere. I’m sure in Utah it would be a major problem, I have no doubt about it. I would suffer discrimination here, I might even go back into the closet, who knows.
Well, I better get ready to receive the Spanish Boy. I better prepare myself mentally and psychologically. I’ve got to be ready for anything. Let’s not forget where he comes from, that office filled with bitches working against me. He is a direct connection to everyone in the office. Everything I might say will be used against me to incriminate me further. And the first thing he’ll do once we go back on Thursday, he will gossip about everything that has happened, everything I have done, everything. It is no time to get drunk and spill my heart out. This is official business, a business trip, we have work to do before all else. I’ve got to keep it professional, however, every time in the past that I told myself that, I went out of my way to act completely unprofessionally and destroy what remains of my poor track records and reputation. Have I got any credibility left in this world? All because I always tell the truth, what I most deeply think about everyone and everything? I guess we’re just about to find out this week.
I feel so bad at the moment, I feel so lost. One look at the snow on top of that huge mountain, gives me the chill. Not sure I would want to be there right now, though it might cure me from freaking out at this time.
Yesterday in the shop of the Planetarium, they were selling these little puppets of Clown Fish, and already then it broke my heart, made me think of my boyfriend, our fish and cats. Today as I saw a video and in one of them a skinny child was pushing a tire. And that also reminded me of my skinny baby in London. If I were to drink now, I would certainly be crying all night. And tomorrow at the conference I would be a mess.
It is rare that I feel the need to see people, but right now I hope the Spanish Boy will make me forget to think too much. He is a familiar face after all, while I am all alone in Salt Lake City. Which makes me wonder how well I would be able to sustain total isolation somewhere on a mountain around here. Sure, I always get over it the next day, and then it is a few weeks before it comes back to haunt me, and right now is not the best of times to feel homesick, wherever that home is in this world.
When you are as lost and in pain as I am now, you are very vulnerable. If I was a bit more religious, the Mormons might have succeeded to get a new recruit out of me. But I’m already too far gone on my path of destruction and the road to hell. I’m beyond saving, no one will save me now, and I’m not expecting it either. My empire has been built out of Adobe bricks, my whole life as well, and could collapse at any time. I am not that strong, and I learnt that only three days ago, when I wrote one too many page. And now I wonder, how many of these too many pages have I written? And when I should start censoring myself in order to soften the blow, the impact my work could have. I will never find the time or the courage, and so, we’ll just have to see as it happens. It is not like I am about to become global any time soon, at any rate. I’m already forgotten anyway, and nothing on the horizon suggests that it might change. So, ultimately, I’m worrying for nothing.
Okay, he finally called, we visited the conference rooms, and went to eat at the California Pizza Kitchen. I guess, just like the British away at conferences who need to find the only Irish pub in town, Californians away on business need to find the only Californian restaurant in town. Thank god I’m not looking for Canadian pubs or restaurants, if such thing exists.
We had a nice conversation, he even spoke about my boyfriend. I could not exactly ask him if he was gay or not, straight like that. And he only had one cocktail which apparently had no alcohol in it. He says he usually drinks straight vodka, that sounds promising, however he is still recuperating from this Spanish party he had on Friday, and hence can’t drink anything. What a killer.
So I told him we could find him a nice girlfriend in town, those two Mormon girls at the Temple, or the fat one at the Planetarium. He did not say anything, there would have been his chance to tell me he was not looking for a girlfriend.
Almost the first thing he told me was that he needed to go to the Jacuzzi, because his knee hurts. I thought it was a way for us to get together naked in the sauna, but I think he kind of meant that it was for him only and I was not invited. He is probably there already and will call me later to go for a drink in the Private Club of the hotel. In Utah bars have to be private by law, because I think it is illegal to serve alcohol only you are in a private club or something. Sounds like those Coffee House in Amsterdam, where you can go smoke a puff of whatever.
He also kind of made it clear that it was kind of painful to be here with me. Sort of. So that’s what I was afraid of. He does not want to be here. He strives in places like Los Angeles or New York, even Washington, for him Utah is the end of the known world. Beyond Salt Lake City, nothing exists. The last place on earth he would want to be, moreover, with me.
It’s a bit what I was saying before, how certain people don’t even hide the fact that they don’t want to be with you, that they barely support you as it. Even I never ever told anyone that I could not stand them and that I’d rather be dead than be stuck in Utah with them for four days. I could still be wrong, he might still joking around with his stupid comments, we’ll see.
We went to the Planetarium, I showed him what I saw yesterday, what I was thinking then, and then for 15 minutes after that he kept asking questions about the universe, like how long a signal takes to arrive here from the Sun, and from Andromeda. I did not particularly wanted to discuss my theoretical physics ideas, I told him it would bore him, but he insisted for me to explain the basics of it. I kept it to a minimum. Perhaps that might change his mind about me. I also never miss a chance to mention Europe, Cannes, Switzerland, Mont Blanc, etc. Because I know he’s dying of jealousy about my past, that it is one of his big dreams to go to Europe. He’s quite bright, certainly has a sense of curiosity about the world we live in, at the same time he never misses a chance to spit on me as if I was nothing. I guess he has been with one too many Hollywood stars lately. He will be quickly cured from that, I’m pretty sure, the day it all ends and that he will never again meet one. And on that subject we have not yet talked about. My published books, my work in TV and cinema, etc. That is another field of his interests, and I will bring the subject tonight, just so once again he can understand that I am not so insignificant and brain dead as he seems to have judged me already. And perhaps he will also understand that I am not impressed by his little friends in Hollywood, that I certainly do not envy him, and I could not bare it anyway. Which might explain why I like Salt Lake City and don’t particularly enjoy Los Angeles.
As to why he might believe that I have nothing in my mind, that I am stupid, must be the oldest prejudice of the world. Anyone who speaks with a strong accent, like I do, and do not understand every single word that he’s spoken to, people immediately jump to the conclusion that you must be some sort of retard. It does not help either that I am kind of playing stupid most of the time, and can appear quite naïve, playing into the games of everyone, just for the heck of it. Because I’m bored out of my mind most of the time. So they all believe that I am very naïve, on top of being a retard. Poor them, they have no idea what goes on in my mind, I am like a computer over analyzing them and their behavior, I’m studying like we study some savages or captive animals. I’m constantly studying the whole psychology of it, far from being the imbecile they have convinced themselves I was.
Maybe I should not be trying so hard to reach him. Perhaps I should let go, cancel our drinking session tonight, and tell him I’m not going to do anything else with him whilst we’re here. I should let him come to me, however there’s isn’t much time. It cannot happen later, once we’re back in L.A. We will never again be alone at a conference. So I can simply not propose anything, just let him contact me, pretend and act like if tonight we won’t do anything, and then wait for him to propose something. That’s about it, not sure what would that accomplish exactly, but I have to somehow communicate to him that he is not God, that he’s nothing special, and that I don’t care to be with him or not. I’ve been self-sufficient for a very long time, even if sometimes it is hard.
Of course, it does not help that he appears to have lost weight since last week. Shit, what wonderful special drug has he taken to lose weight in one week? He certainly ate well tonight. So he looks cuter than usual, me too in fact I seem to have lost weight since last week, though I can’t really explain why. I think I never looked that great since I have arrived in Los Angeles. So if nothing happens, it was simply not meant to be. And it would spare me a lot trouble anyway once we go back at work, and when will come the time for me to leave this job. He could certainly change my life, tonight, and I would let it happen.
It’s not likely to happen now, it is past 11 pm, he won’t call. We could not go for a drink and he would not come to my room. I wonder what he will invent to justify letting me down like this without even calling me to free me from waiting after him all night. He’s only acceptable excuse would be to tell me that he fell asleep. It is possible. Whether it is true or not does not really matter. I felt sick anyway, and I mean physically sick. I did not get myself ready to go out with him, I got ready for bed quite early. I slept a bit. I’m still a bit shaky. I have no doubt that once this conference is over, my whole body will just shut down and I will be really sick for a few days. It’s always like that, because bringing an event to terms is so exhausting, since so much is involved just in the preparation of it, especially when you do everything yourself, that in the end it always nearly kills you. The stress alone probably plays a big role in this. There’s just so much stress someone can endure. At least I won’t have to fake it this time, I’ll go to work, they’ll see how sick I am, and I’ll go home for two days.
I called him, finally, which was a bit stupid, since it is 11h30. I had to, just in case. Well, he did not answer. Either he is not in his room or he is sleeping. These phones ring so hard, it would have waken him up. So he decided not to answer. I think it is pretty clear now that I should just forget about him, just try to survive this conference, be sick for a while, and go back to work.

The first day is finally over. It was only half a day, I’m already dead. Tomorrow is the big day. Get at 5 am, finishes at around 7 pm. I went to eat with the Spanish Boy to a restaurant, Red Rock or something, he mentioned again sometime today that he wanted me to write about him. We walked around the place, went around the Temple, I went inside the Conference Center, he waited outside, as he was so afraid of those girls jumping on us to sell us their religion. He wants to go to bed early tonight, we had a few drinks, and I was already starting to say things I should not. I might regret, but I don’t want to. Nothing like I was interested in him, thank god I’ve been able to not even suggest it. It would have gone straight back to the office, and that is just what everyone is expecting to hear. I won’t give them that chance. What I regret saying, was that I kind of suggested that the Valley Girl was mad because the new guy under her has got the same job title and salary as her, and she vowed to destroy him because of that when he started. So I told the Valley Boy that it was a good thing she did not know what my salary is, because then she could also freak out. So in essence I told him my salary was higher than hers, and he knows she’s on $50,000. This is the kind of thing he will report back and the valley Girl could suddenly turn against me over this, vows to destroy me even more out of pure jealousy. I hope I won’t regret it. I don’t know more about him now than I did before, except that he has been in two plays in his life, just for fun, the first one years ago for a whole month in Edinburgh, in the Fringe Theater Festival. The other in Macbeth in L.A., where they were performing on the streets with an audience following them from place to place. And that’s all, after hours spent with him today, I have nothing else to report. How boring is that?

I guess I could talk about my biggest worry. The first law of conferences is that any paper you know you will need at the conference, needs to be with you at all time. Luggage gets lost, or goes to Timbuktu even when you only fly to the next State. Fedex suddenly decided that they cannot deliver your package until the end of your event, even when you paid on a Friday full price for early delivery on Monday morning, and your conference ends on the next Wednesday. And this is what is happening now, and I might get my important papers on Tuesday morning, and though it was not very serious, because I only put there papers that were not that important, I got stuck, because a few things like extra agendas and my speech was, by some sort of act of self destruction on my part, on that pile. That was enough to freak him out, even though I have all the important papers with me. That is basically what will be my downfall and the last nail in my coffin. I’m sure he has already reported me for this, the whole office must know by now, and though the conference is a success, for them it will be my failure. I have not heard the last of this. And some other fatal blow, is that this morning I arrived 10 minutes late. That certainly cannot be forgiven. I told him that it was because I had already spent 20 minutes downstairs helping an exhibitor, but do you think he reported that? No. When I arrived, he was already on the phone with the office telling them that I was late. And if tomorrow, for the whole 13-14 hours, I make the mistake to come back to my room for even one minute, and if he finds out, that will be another fatal blow. I cannot disappear for more than two minutes, or else, he starts wondering where I am, begins to suspect that I am back to my room even if it was just to brush my teeth. This is extra stress I did not need, and the whole is making me sick. No solidarity here, that’s for sure. And it only goes one way, because it is not my style to play these little games of pettiness. It shows how small minded these people are, that they play right into the schemes of management, turning this place into an even greater prison than it is already. Let’s see if I am right once we go back to the office, he will have reported everything, every single detail. And you know what he did all day? He played on his portable computer, listened to music, chatting with his numerous friends on AIM, even talking to them via his computer, and spent a large amount of the day on the phone speaking to all of them, whether colleagues in the office or his other friends. I won’t report any of that, even if he manages to get me crucified. Hopefully he will realize that, and it will make him think, but I doubt that.
And this is something else I have understood. It is that in this office, almost everyone is spending a lot of time chatting on AIM and MSN messenger, internally and externally. And I have realized that both the Sweet Chinese Girl and the Spanish Boy must be wasting at least two hours a day on this while at work, and many more half hours choosing the music they will be listening to during the day while they work. So in the end, I’m not certain how many hours they are really working during a full day, and yet, none of them are late in any of their projects, while I work as hard and fast as I can, from the minute I arrived until even after hours. This is proof that I have much more than them to do, that I can be sinking whilst working so hard. And it is quite unfair to have these rumors in the office that I am incompetent and cannot manage my time. And that also sicken me.
Especially that Monsieur has never had to contact one sponsor before, let alone a supporting organization. I learned today that for the first time he will have to do it. And that is certainly the most time consuming I had to do for the three conferences I am responsible for.
It takes time for anyone to understand that I am more competent and valuable than first assessed, and it is always too late one they realize it. I don’t understand why they cannot see it, why they decide to turn a blind eye, even when I tell them, so in the end, this must be either discrimination or favoritism (more likely). So they can all burn to hell, I won’t feel guilty when I leave. Enough is enough. I wish I could say never again, but if I don’t start my won business, I will find myself in that exact same place somewhere else. As this is human nature, and somehow, I have never been able to escape it. As if this was my destiny, and I had to report it somehow, hoping that some people will read it, realize what they do, and perhaps change, if this is at all possible.
How nice would it be if tonight I was describing the find of a new friendship, someone I can count on, depend on, discovering a human being hiding under so much pretension. How wonderful would it be if instead of what I have written so far, I was telling you how great Los Angeles is, how my colleagues and my bosses are supporting, that together we are a successful and happy family. That I would want to go to work in the morning, I would be insisting to my boyfriend to move over here so we can both be pleased with our jobs, never mind all the extra hours, because we would want to work overtime instead of being brought to a full stop every weekend when we have a minute to think, one minute too many, where instead of living our existential crisis and putting our life into question, instead of wanting to have our brains disconnected in order to stop thinking about the meaning of all this, we were content in our happiness. Is this utopia possible? Does it exist in any corporation in this world? I have come to think that it does not, and that a large proportion of the population is simply surviving in terror, fears, depression. And we do not even want to acknowledge the problem, we are not working towards finding solutions. We even don’t want to hear the problems of others, accusing them of being weak and self-pitying themselves. The exact thing my father has always accused me of.
And this is why religious groups can be attractive, by talking in terms of community, people supporting each other lovingly, and all that propaganda. It is beautiful and promising in theory, on the surface, we all know that this is not the case once you’re inside. We all know that they take over your life, they use you until you have nothing left to give for that community, and they take your money, 10% before tax, which becomes 30% to 40% of your salary, forcing you at some point to declare bankruptcy. Pushing you to get married for life, have as many babies as you can, even if you cannot support this family in this day and age. It is just another authority, another power over your head, as if your parents, your teachers, your bosses (and colleagues), and the different levels of governments were not enough to deal with already. How much more controlled do we need to be? How much freedom have we got in this world? To make any decision whatsoever? Am I the only one on this planet to see the world for what it really is? To demand for even a little bit more freedom and peace in this life? Sometimes I think I am, no one seems bothered or worried about any of it. Is it because they have no idea how much better life could be? Is it because they have been brainwashed into thinking they were happy and somehow it worked, while it failed with me for some unexplained reason? It might explain why I am not really a threat to any society, despite everything I have written, which in other times would have been judged heresy and anti-government or authority of any form. I would have been eliminated. There’s no need now, because they all bought the propaganda, they all follow the next one without questioning anything. They all obey like the good boys and good girls that they know they have to be to succeed anywhere and be respected and keep their honor. Society has moved very quickly to disapprove of me, in everything I ever did. I was still allowed to do it, if I could find the courage in me to leave and go for the adventure. But I lost everything in the process, reputation, credibility, potential, aptitudes, respect, the list does not end. No one listens to people like me, I’m an outcast, a marginal, and so, I am not a threat, because everyone has been very well conditioned from the day of their birth to not deviate from the path of the righteous. I am very much alone on this world, I am an alien. That is why I want to isolate myself, and one day I will succeed. It will not bring me happiness, I will still feel like I lost everything, I will feel guilt, but at least, life might be bearable.
Maybe I could indirectly help this world by organizing conferences solely targeting all these authorities. To help them identify the pain they cause, make them understand ways to build happiness and joy in everyone’s life. Carefully planned conferences with well chosen speakers, for parents, governments, the police, teachers, psychologist, religious leaders from all faiths, and for management and company owners. Perhaps this is where all this was leading, I could in a small way make an impact to change this world I don’t want to live in. Help making it a better world. And then I would have a mission, and even if I fail and make no money, at least I could live with the thought that I am achieving something positive, something that this world needs.