Defining Moments

February 23^rd, 2012:

I tried calling you and texting you and it’s as though you are hiding from me. I wanted to personally wish you a happy birthday. I still do not understand why you walked away from you. I could not sleep. The nightmares have returned. I do not know why the nightmares have returned. That one dream keeps coming back. The one where I started screaming and you woke up by placing your hand on my heart and said

“I am here Kat, shh”

This time the dream was a bit odd. It was the same one I told you about. The memory of being tortured by my family continues to haunt me. I am strapped in the chair and they are electrocuting me. They placed the needle filled with tetrodotoxin into my chest. They took pliers and pulled out teeth. This time it was different which does not make sense. You were there and where Kendra normally enters and said,

“Where your fucking god now bitch? I told you to never love.

I will break you.”

This time you are saying it. This concerns me that you are the saying it and not my mother Kendra. If I was to do a dream analysis it would mean that you were the one that was cruel to me. That you are just playing on my emotion. Why? I know what you said, how you touched me.

Please don’t tell me that you are not returning. I told you Danielle that I don’t know if I can survive another cruelty in my life. I never was cruel to you. I must have faith.

I will try and finish ON HALLOWED GROUND the next installment to FIRESEEDS. I feel lost and even in my journal writing I feel lost without you at my side. I cannot explain this deep sadness inside of me. If I find out that someone interfered that someone told you to give up on me…it doesn’t matter. I have always lost it seems. I cannot move forward. I cannot love another. Everyone I have loved has either, been killed or walked away.

Only when you return to me will I believe in humanity. At this point humanity is cruel, inhumane and they torture souls just for kicks. Why should I have hope? People are people. They are liars, thieves, and by their nature inhumane. Oh my God, I am beginning to give up. This mere statement shows me I am beginning to give up. What do you expect after all that I have seen? Then the very woman who took vows with me walks away. THIS IS WRONG.I am not seeing things right. I wish someone was here that could see spiritually like I do and help me understand. I just prayed to spirit to bring someone into my life to show me I am okay with me being different. What the hell? All I keep hearing is there is a family that you will teach and together life will come full circle. I am beginning to think that spirit is on crack.

Jack tried to help me tonight and I took my anger out on him. I tried to take him out physically and he just grabbed me and held me. What have you done to me Danielle? I have always had control and now I feel like what is the fucking purpose of living with honor, and love when ….I need to go and listen to the radio.

Oh no..no no no no. The song LIKE A PRAYER is on the oldies station. I have always had a superstition about this song. When I hear someone is leaving my life.