Defining Moments

April 17^th, 2012:

One day we might see each other. Please just say hello to me. I miss the nights when I would hold you as you fell asleep in my arms. I miss the way you looked at me. How you would moan my name in your orgasms. Who am I to have such happiness? I am the maggots that I once had to eat at dinner when I was a child.

April 19^th, 2012:

I met a friend online at Facebook who gave me a reading. He was different than Saundra at Bermuda. His name is Raymond. He did the tarot differently than most people. He would pull a tarot card then write a poem that was associated with the book. Raymond immediately said that I was condemning myself because of what I went through as a child. He said that I needed to believe. I asked why I should believe when the woman I loved left me. He said that perhaps it was not meant to be. I began crying for no reason. And he said,

“Kat don’t you get it. She sent you back. When she left you she reopened the wounded child that everyone tortured and raped. You for years hid so no one knew..Yet this whole time you have been crying.”

I cried even more because he was right. I sobbed so heavily that he said I needed to breathe.

“Kat, you have been everyone’s hero. Who is your hero?” he asked.

“I don’t expect heroes” I responded.

I remember his sigh and he said,

“Honey, you love deeply because of the evil you saw.

If Danielle never returns please stand up. People need you!

I said sarcastically,

“WHY because there is a family….and why so they can

laugh at me not knowing how to match colors, or laugh at me. Because I don’t know how to celebrate a holiday or know what it means to celebrate a birthday.”

He sighed,

“You are so angry. YOU need to stand for the voices that can never speak. The truth is that Danielle disrespects you. The cards even

Say that. She dislikes that you refused to manifest for her.

For so long you have been a guardian to others. Perhaps you

now need to teach another person to become a shaman as you

are a shaman.”

I lit a cigarette and said,

“I am tired of being the hero”

I remember his voice so calmly.

“Some heroes are the artists that light the path for others. Your legacy shall be your words.”

I cried even more for I knew the truth he spoke. Why is every tarot reader and gypsy I am going to talking about this mysterious family I am supposed to teach? Really?

April 22, 2012:

I know I am skipping days in writing you however it’s getting harder and harder to write you. I feel like an abandoned dog left to the elements of the earth. I hope that your life is well. I cannot find anyone to speak to regarding my grief over you leaving me. Those that I have found say that I was stupid for loving anyone and that I should have never said anything about my past. I thought honesty was the best policy? I guess I was wrong. I wish at times that I did die when I was a child because then I would have never failed you and then you would have never left me.