Defining Moments
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| MAY 1ST, 2012:
I wish you would talk to me. I am having dreams that you have moved on, that you no longer love me and that what we had was just your way of getting what you wanted - that you used me. Please tell me that I am wrong. I wish you would respond to me, even if to tell me to go to hell. You just stopped talking to me. Yet I see on Facebook that you are reading my messages thanks to a new feature that they have. Why are you ignoring me? I know that I am persistent however I refuse to give up. I made a promise to you and I am not going to break it. All my life I have fought for what I believe in and I will fight for you no matter what. It takes one belief to carry a nation. It’s an old expression meaning it only take one to carry a group. I will carry you if I have to. I know I have been calling you and texting you to reach out to you and you have not answered. Please forgive me for however what is wrong Danielle? I have learned that we need to stand by one another and I will stand by you no matter what? I will forgive you no matter what because I know I am different. I must go as I am crying right now and I can’t seem to compose myself.
On March 14th, 2012, Danielle sends me a text that would become the last text. I would never receive another text after this one. Danielle texts me asking if I was off the next day and that she would call me. Danielle never called. Danielle never responded to my calls to her as I waited for her call to me. For thirty days I pondered this meaning. It did not make sense. Why would someone text someone that they were going to call and never call? I take all of Danielle’s letters that she ever sent to me and had several friends look at them. I wanted them to analyze the letters to see what the hell was going on and what I was missing. There had to be an answer. Jack was the last one to read the letters that Danielle sent me. I had known that if anyone could interpret the letters that Jack could. He was very good at interpreting. Jack looks at me across the table holding the letters in his hands shaking his head in confusion. “I don’t know what to say, Kat. Based on these texts, Danielle is very deeply in love with you. This is crazy. What the hell is wrong with her?” Jacks asks. I sit at the booth in the restaurant. Nothing made sense. “I don’t get it. I get that I am different but this is off the chart.” Jack looks at me with dismay, “Just keep moving forward, she will come back. I mean for the love of Spirit she herself said that you were better than what she asked for. Even talked of how she wanted to spend the rest of her life with you.” I had an idea. I just had to figure out how to make it a reality. “What if she thinks she can’t do it? What if there are other people thinking like this?” I said. “Oh Jesus what are you thinking, Kat?” Jack asks. I started to write down a plan. “What if I create a new podcast series geared to lesbian women? showing them that they are not alone that they are strong enough. If Danielle sees this video series like she has been watching all my podcasts from One Voice then she will realize that she is not alone. Then she will make contact and we can talk,” “Only you Kat. You just won’t give up, “Jack chuckles. For the next month I would examine the lesbian culture and how life impacted us. Originally the series was going to be called OUTSPOKEN. A dear friend, Ms. Deb, reminded me that outspoken was already copyrighted. I decided to change it to OUTSPokenWYN. The name change would not occur ‘til April 15th, 2012. The first podcast was on April 14th, 2012. I stood in front of the camera and passionately said, “In the milestones of who we are, it took one voice to change our future. We will not give in. One voice was originally designed to do quick reality type camera snip its sending a message of hope into the community. Today marks a historic change of the evolution of One Voice. One voice shall now give rise to a new mini-series called OUTSPokenWYN It is not enough to send the message of hope. It is not enough to stand by a friend and say it will get better. One must show one must really talk about our life because in doing so we are not alone. OUTSPOKEN shall be an n open forum discussing every day things that might be affecting us. The greatest search that people are looking for is connection…” The podcast lasted six minutes and eight seconds. You can find the link to the podcast at http://www.Facebook.com/photo.php?v=361020357277396 On April 16th, 2012 I created Episode 2 titled “The Measure of a Woman”. Every day we are judged and measured for either performance, if we are good mother, a good friend, a lover, etc. Then assumptions are made and we try to live up to those expectations. Enough! We live our lives; don't we have enough to deal with? On April 19th, 2012 I created Episode 3; Catalysts of Change. We all have changes in our life...sometimes we make mistakes...sometimes we cry at night and laugh in the day...come with me to the edge and let's fly... On April 24th, 2012 I decided to do Episode 4: Womyn and Love. My thought was damn it I know she is watching these podcasts. Why the hell is Danielle not responding? I decided to do one last ditch effort to try and reach her. You have the right and deserve to be loved. OUTSPokenWYN began to take a life of its own. I was not paying attention to the various lives it was touching. I began receiving the following comments as feedback. It blew me away. They read as the following:
1-Very well said Katherine! I too believe that we all need someone to listen or talk or just let us know that we are valued as a person. I am excited for your new journey and new found strength! Continue with your path and never give up on what you feel in your heart to be truth. Love the concept and am here to contribute as well. Peace and Love to you and all of us that are fighting to just be who we are. FROM EPISODE TWO:
FROM EPISODE THREE:
FROM EPISODE FOUR:
While initially I created OUTSPokenWYN as a venue in hopes that Danielle might be watching, the series grew a life of its own. My discovery and realization of how it was touching lives led me to take the series to a different direction. The series needed me and it was time to start doing my calling and help others. Today I appreciate that in the past my desperation led to this series, I often wonder about my past self during this time of processing. I look upon myself then and see a desperate inner child wanting to be loved so much that she was in chaos, consumed with trying to find self value. I really that that I needed Danielle to love me to validate my own existence. The truth is that I needed to validate myself. I took the loss of Danielle’s love as the loss of my mother’s love. I did not realize that at the time when this was going on. I was wounded person trying to make sense of the reality that I was in. I truly loved Danielle with all my heart and soul. She was the first woman I was ever in love with and returned my love for a time. She awakened me on so many levels including my womanhood sexually. While at the time, I was hurt by Danielle, I found appreciation down the road. Danielle was my catalyst of change. Danielle’s actions, behavior and words confused me during this time with her mixed messages that I perceived as a glimmer of hope. I was in a reactive mindset. A reactive mindset occurs when a person is in chaos and their mind begins to create stories as to why the chaos is going on to reestablish a balance. The mind then begins to react to all emotions as an attempt to do a system restore in the chaos. I do feel embrassement as I reacted so strongly and desperately. My inner child was crying. The loss of Danielle’s love triggered my memories of the past. I tried not to face my inner child that was in pain because she reminded me of the pain I had endured and never dealt with. Yet her pain would become my strength to seek counseling and healing discovering myself.
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