Defining Moments

JOURNAL TO THE UNIVERSE 2
Ever experience a car accident where a beloved family member died? My life everyday felt like that where I survived however side swiped. Nothing that I could do could change the outcome. Everyday I kept journaling my thoughts and feelings in hopes of finding some answer that seemed to allude me. For a while, I stayed and kept to myself out of embrassement. I was embrassed that I was thrown away like trash to the curb. I was ashamed of the memories of my mother and childhood events that kept resurfacing.

Everyday I deluded myself into thinking that I was happy and at a great job for the Star Restaurant. I thought that if I said it enough times that I would believe my own lie. Instead I was only masking my pain. I decided to put a wall up so that no one could see how much pain that I was in.

Reading my poem in front of all those people that gave a standing ovation gave me an inside hope that my internal pain might end soon. Ok, Kat. What do I do now? How do I get back up? Hard to answer that when I didn’t know myself.

My obsession over why Danielle rejected me consumed my thoughts and feelings. My sorrow was so intense that I wanted to give up on life. I was determined to find out why in hopes that I would not repeat the same mistake as a reject, a piece of trash and seen as a pathethic woman. These thoughts were fueled by my memories and really went to my mother. Why did she hurt me?

One could easily say,

“Get the fuck over it, Kat.”

Hard to say that to someone like me that has lost everything in my lifetime. My family were dysfunctional. My friends in the past only took advantage of me for the things that I could get them. Other friends laughed because of things I did not know because I had to teach myself. Now to top it off my relationship, and marriage to be was a lie.

I wonder what new experiences lie ahead.

June 16, 2012:

The process of writing this memoir has been deeply personal to me. To write about it seems to open my eyes further into my soul, sadness and things that I have not seen before.

Last night there was lightning and I found myself emotional. I actually began crying. I remembered the first time I ever showed Danielle the beauty of lighting and how she referred to it as orgasmic. Danielle even told my brother in Australia how the lighting made her orgasmic as she thought of me and being with me.

Danielle now feels like a lifetime ago to me. A time that I was naïve to think that true love exist. To think that I found true love was a joke for it doesn’t exist. A part of me feels like a stupid idiot for believing her and the love we both shared. A part of me is saddened that she did not tell me the truth.

I remember the night she told me I was her sanctuary. A road hard to endure as I look to the lives surrounding me and they have love. There are people that have families to come home to. I have an adorable cat called MR. SKY(his real name).