"Let’s Fix The Kids!" A parenting Resource Manual by
NOTE #5 - Positive or Negative (destructive) Ego States
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NOTE #5 - Positive or Negative (destructive) Ego States Examples of Parent Ego State Communications: Mom and 10 year old girl talking. “Why don’t you ever listen?” Critical Parent to Child’s Adaptive Child is destructive. “I do listen!” Child’s Adaptive Child to Mom’s Critical Parent. * * * * * * * * * * “You can come to the table now or go without dinner; the choice is yours.” Nurturing Parent to Child’s Adult is positive. “OK, I’ll be right in.” Child’s Adult to Mom’s Nurturing Parent * * * * * * * * * * “Stop that! Get over here! Be quiet!” Controlling Parent to Child’s Adaptive Child is destructive. Child cries. Child’s Adaptive Child to Mom’s Controlling Parent. * * * * * * * * * * “Hey, its hot, let's go get a milkshake." Mom’s Free Child to Child’s Free Child is positive. “All right! Let’s go!” Child’s Free Child to Mom’s Free Child. NOTE #6 - Critical Parent Critical (negative) Parents strengthen the negative child. We often come out of our childhood having been programmed to be afraid to trust, and to be critical and controlling. Therefore, we have a great tendency to turn our own child into a Critical Parent and an Adaptive Child because his/her Free Child feels rejected. We project our critical, controlling, perfectionistic and rejecting attitudes onto our children. That damages the Natural Child! The Controlling/Critical Parent has a selection of the following faults: ? Controls and is into power, ? Constantly advises, preaches, moralizes and has a, “Do it my way!” attitude, ? Assumes the child is incapable and can’t be trusted, ? Is critical of the child’s attitude, lifestyle, friends, music, dress, etc., ? Tries to make personal and moral decisions for the child, ? Often uses anger, manipulation, bribery and rage (is emotionally abusive), ? Wants “super-achieving child” to validate own “super-parent” status, ? Needs to look good as a parent, ? Rescues, enables, and is deep in parent traps, ? Does not enjoy parenting (parents in fear), ? Creates the (negative) adaptive child, ? Does things out of personal needs, even to the detriment of the child, ? Has rules that are strict and harsh, but can be arbitrary and inconsistent, ? Sets poor boundaries between parent and child, ? Discounts the child through controlling action, ? Harms the child’s self-confidence and self-esteem. Impact on the child by the Controlling/Critical Parent There is a positive and a negative seed in each child. Inside, are both a sweet, adorable child and a selfish, stinky brat. If you ignore the good things your child does while noticing and correcting what is not good, you are starving the good child and feeding the brat! The child you see the most is the child you are feeding while the child you don’t see is probably starving. The seed (personality) you nourish and feed will strengthen; the seed you do not nourish and feed will die. Who are you feeding? Who are you rewarding? Who are you paying attention to? Who are you developing? Remember: NEVER communicate from a negative Ego State (Critical Parent or Adaptive Child).
(Critical Parent or Adaptive Child). When a Critical Parent communicates to your Adaptive Child, switch immediately to Nurturing Parent, Adult or Natural Child and respond by addressing one of their positive ego states (Nurturing Parent, Adult or Free Child). Don’t take the bait and slip into a negative ego state. Eliminate all negative communications by teaching every family member the PAC model.
The nurturing parent displays the following qualities. ? Has faith in the child’s capacity to make age appropriate decisions in life, ? Does for the child what is good for the child, and not what is convenient for the parent, (This requires extra effort when the child is to suffer from unwise decisions) ? Requires the child to be responsible for personal time and resources, ? Requires the child to struggle, work, earn and be accountable for personal choices and behavior, ? Sets up an environment not of affluence but of opportunity and consequation, ? Cherishes and treasures the child and also honors the child’s right of choice, ? Models and teaches virtue but allows personal choices, ? Wisely monitors development of the child in budgeting, spending, banking, cleaning of home, utility bills, shopping, meals, auto maintenance, etc., ? Exposes the child to all experiences necessary to prepare him for adult life, ? Fulfills the responsibility of a healthy parent to: 1) LOVE,
The Adaptive Child can also have a positive side. Learning to be polite, kind, considerate, and to have good manners is also adaptive behavior, but it is positive and socially accepted behavior. NOTE #9 - The Free Child The positive, Free Child is inquisitive, curious, playful, wants to love and to be loved, to explore and experience everything. He acts, feels, and speaks to please himself, not others. The Natural Child is honest, open, trusting, giving, and enjoys playing, sensing, being, and touching. He cries when sad and laughs when happy. No censoring for the sake of appearance. No pretense. The Natural Child can also have a negative side. Loudly belching at Christmas dinner in front of guests might satisfy uncensored childish urges, but the social disapproval will probably cause him more discomfort than restraining the burp. NOTE #10 - Love Coming Through The school called this morning and informed you that your youngest son had been arrested again for possession and taking drugs. You are frightened, humiliated and angry. That evening you are discussing the problem with him. He is sullen and uncooperative and you are upset. What is the message your child gets when you find out he has been using drugs? That you love him? That you are worried sick because you cherish him? That you will love him no matter what happens? Does he hear your desperate warning to protect himself because you can’t stand the thought of losing him? No! What comes out of parents who love and are worried sick and frustrated after months of struggle is fear and anger! “What’s the matter with you? Are you crazy? That stuff will kill you! How could you do such a thing? I don’t believe you; we didn’t raise you that way. If you ever do that again, I’ll beat the heck out of you!” There is no power or influence in your counsel if you don’t combine it with large amounts of love. Unless you have and project love, your counsel, however wise, sincere, and correct, will have little effect and may even be entirely rejected. Our loved ones first need acceptance and love. They need to be cherished and validated in their self-worth. When they don’t receive that love which they most desperately need (and should receive from you) they are hurt. So, when they do need advice and counsel, their anger and hurt cause them to reject their rejecter. By association they then can reject you and all that you stand for. Do not alienate you children with anger.
? Content: On the surface and easy to spot; usually the issue is undesirable behavior. ? Process: Below the surface (harder to identify) it is what is happening dynamically in the relationships between people, often unconscious motivation.
Think in terms of process and not content. It is very easy to get overwhelmed by countless little daily struggles and never even understand what the real problem or issue is (process). What are you arguing about? What’s really going on below the surface? Chapter 4 Family Government Why have ANY family government at all? The first two sentences of the Declaration of Independence, written by Thomas Jefferson, read as follows: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure those rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed.” These are true and correct principles of government! As Americans we believe that we have the right to choose and to exercise personal moral agency as a divine endowment of God-given rights! Inalienable rights! Inalienable right means that these rights cannot be taken from the individual person. Governments do not grant these rights. God does! Governments don't have rights, they have certain powers and responsibilities. These responsibilities are simply to secure and guarantee to each individual their God given rights of free choice and liberty. How can we set up our own family government? We can organize our family government and establish it upon the sure foundation of THREE GREAT PRINCIPLES: Principle #1 - Freedom of Choice (The Key to Growth) Children have a God-given ability and right to make their own decisions in life. Therefore, they are also inherently responsible for the consequences of their choices, whether pleasant or unpleasant. Hold them accountable and responsible 100% of the time for how they use their freedom to choose. Principle #2 - Personal Integrity (The Key to Example) Most of what you teach your children will be by example, by what you actually do, and not by just what you say or what you believe. Children are great imitators; in fact, that is how they learn. They will mimic you. Therefore, you must have integrity in how you govern your family or you will do them a great disservice. Principle #3 - Unconditional Love (The Key to Their Hearts) Love your children without conditions of performance or expectations. Treasure and cherish them regardless of every outside factor. If you are not critical they will feel safe to be imperfect, to make mistakes, to grow and to confide in you. They will feel important and will begin to develop the confidence, courage and self-esteem that they need so badly. There should never be a question whether or not your love is unconditional! Will these principles work for me? YES!! These three parenting principles (above) apply universally to any situation: ? Traditional two parent homes ? Single parent homes ? Step family homes (blended family) ? Homes of any race, religion, economic or social status ? Past, present, and future families
NO! They need to be taught what is right and what is wrong. They should be rewarded for doing good and dealt with appropriately when they disobey. Parental approval of what they do is not unconditional but your love and acceptance of the child is unconditional! Included in the freedom to make their own decisions is the inherent and absolute responsibility to accept the consequences of their actions. You also must have some personal and family boundaries, some “NONNEGOTIABLES”! What is a "Nonnegotiable"? A nonnegotiable is an activity or behavior that the parents will not tolerate. The offending behavior will stop or the offender must be removed. Parents cannot allow themselves or others in their homes to be victimized by the violent or illegal actions of any person. Illegal activities must be reported to the proper authorities. Some examples of intolerable behavior are: ? Physical Abuse (attacks that do bodily harm) ? Drug and Alcohol Abuse ? Sexual Abuse ? Crimes against society As the term implies, a nonnegotiable is NEVER negotiated. These are rules which are not open for discussion (curfews, car privileges and other less critical issues are not in the nonnegotiable category). When minors pose serious threats to themselves or to other family members action must be taken (including other living arrangements). If a child of legal age poses such a threat he should not be allowed to stay. It is a disservice to ourselves, other persons in the home, and to the offender himself to allow a dangerous person to stay in the home and not be taken to the authorities for proper treatment.
Family government should be founded on the same noble and sacred principles that were written by our founding fathers into the Declaration of Independence and the United States Constitution. Men are free and accountable; and the function of government is to secure individual rights of freedom. Family government also includes loving parents and the tender caring of children. Children should be taught the truth! They should understand the underlying and governing principles of their environment; of home first, then of their community. They need to see love and virtue in their parents so that they will honor, obey, sustain and want to follow the good examples set by them. Seeing good examples, children will be more inclined to seek parental counsel and direction. This is achieved to a large degree by the correct use of FAMILY COUNCILS.
Plan fun times in family council as well as work projects. Make it enjoyable so that the children will look forward to participating! Parents preside, but “chairing” or conducting the meeting can be rotated so that all who desire (and are old enough) have the opportunity to act as the chairperson. Plan on spending the whole evening together as a family and not just a short time doing the business part. Consider the following for family council agenda items: discussing earning contracts, planning family meals, planning family recreation and events (calendar), shopping, family finances, care and maintenance of home, etc. Don’t forget about having treats when it’s all over! HAVE FUN! End the evening with refreshments and fun activities! (Also, see NOTE #1, page 148, NOTE #2, page 150, NOTE #3, page 151, and NOTE #4, page 152.) Can religion play a role? YES! A family organized around a set of moral values, taught and modeled by parents, establishes an authoritative (not authoritarian) foundation of principles to guide behavior and to give purpose and meaning to life. We suggest that families study God’s Word on a daily basis and that parents who have not taught their children to pray, do so. Also, institute family prayer in the home to give thanks to God for meals and other blessings. Parents are to teach their children about faith, the purpose of life, and that each individual will eventually account to God for the things he did (or did not do) in this life. We also suggest that families attend worship services together on a regular basis, become active in their congregation, and give financial support to the faith of their choice. These activities tend to develop higher morals, character, and spirituality in children (as well as in adults), while validating and supporting the parental emphasis on integrity and virtue. (Also, see NOTE #5, page 152.)
Examine the chart below to help determine your style. Is your style authoritarian? These parents utilize power and control as their main source of parental influence. Usually there are many rules without much freedom. “Do it my way! NOW!” is often the attitude. The underlying assumption is that the (bad) children will not do what is right or “best” when given the freedom to choose. Children raised in these homes and treated in this way feel incapable, fearful and not trusted. Authoritarian parents are typically critical and perfectionistic; and they seldom listen very much to their children. (Also, see NOTE #6, page 153.) Are you a permissive parent? If so, your children believe they can do whatever they please. Permissive parents allow too much freedom and insufficient limits and controls. They rely unwisely on the child’s ability to make all his/her own decisions. Children raised by permissive parents feel confused because, if their parents really cared for them, wouldn’t they have some rules and limits? Permissive parents love their children but typically, they are neither organized nor sufficiently in touch with what their children are doing. Discipline and structure are poor and often absent. (Also, see NOTE #7, page 153.) Is democratic parenting good? Democratic parents see their children as good and capable. Their children therefore generally feel that way about themselves. They also feel respected and loved. The basic flaw with a true democracy in a home is that we have a “one person, one vote” policy and the children can out-vote the parents. The natural order of things is disturbed when inexperienced, short-sighted and egocentric youth start telling their parents how to run the house! This never works in the long run. (Also, see NOTE #8, page 153.) What constitutes neglectful parents? Neglectful parents are so involved in their own lives that they do not take enough quality time for their children. Children are seen as an inconvenience and a nuisance. Children are by nature very demanding and needy but neglectful parents do not make themselves available to answer these needs. Typically, these parents are too invested in their own problems or projects. Therefore, neglected children are left to fend for themselves. (Latch-key kids) Discipline is absent, inconsistent and/or harsh. (Also, see NOTE #9, page 154.) Is one parenting style best? THE LOVING TRUST style of parenting incorporates the best of all the parenting styles, while eliminating the weaknesses. In the authoritarian, permissive, neglectful and democratic parenting styles the issue is power and control. The topic is consistently how much authority is used and by whom. In the Loving Trust family the focus is on relationships. The central theme of the Loving Trust family is that both the parents and the children honor each other in their roles and have mutual unconditional love and trust in each other. Acceptance, parental modeling and freedom of choice are all emphasized. This then, requires personal accountability and consequences while persons and principles are held in the highest regard. (Also, see NOTE #10, page 155.) Appendix to Chapter 4 NOTE #1 - Family Council/Agenda The “Family Council Agenda” form is to be used during the family council meeting. This sheet can be duplicated (or modified) for the special needs of your family. The “Items for Next Family Council” form is used in conjunction with the “Family Council Agenda” form by the person conducting that meeting. The “Items for Next Family Council” form should be posted in a spot that is easy to access by any member of the family, at any time. The refrigerator has been the usual spot. Anyone in the family who has an item they would like to have discussed at the next family council should list the item on the form. Ten suggestions for a family council: 1. Persons presiding are always the parents. 2. Person conducting is generally rotated after the pattern has been taught to each capable person (even those of young age who need much help can conduct). 3. Secretary is rotated regularly but not often (person must be able to read and record family decisions). 4. Refreshments: Responsibility of what they will be, who will prepare and serve them should be rotated. 5. Recreation: A great and fun time should be planned after the weekly Family Council meeting. The activity can be chosen and preplanned by the family or prepared as a surprise by someone selected to plan it. 6. Inspirational thought is rotated and can be an inspiring personal thought or comment on a principle, etc., as communicated in a poem, song, story, picture, etc. 7. Minutes should be kept of all important policies and decisions, rules, activities, etc. made and planned by the family. Minutes need to be read each week and approved to insure everyone’s understanding and compliance. 8. Contracts are to be paid off, money accounted for, and all accounts balanced. 9. Agenda items: All the problems are discussed and solved. Policies and rules are adopted or suspended. In this way children learn how to run all aspects of the home: washing, cleaning, menus, shopping, cooking, budgeting, paying bills, automobile maintenance, etc. 10. Calendar: Planned activities are put in the calendar, dates are changed or cleared and conflicts or problems (transportation, etc.) are resolved.
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