Start Where You Are

Overcoming Resistance
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much better that you see that you harmed somebody
than that you protect yourself from that. But you only
get two minutes for regret.” That’s a good thing to re-
member because otherwise you might flagellate
yourself—”Oy vey, Oy vey.”
2 . R e f r a i n i n g
. The second part of confessing
neurotic action is refraining. It’s painful when you
see how in spite of everything you continue in your
neurosis; sometimes it has to wear itself out like an
old shoe. However, refraining is very helpful as long
as you don’t impose too authoritarian a voice on your-
self. Refraining is not a New Year’s resolution, not a
setup where you plan your next failure by saying, “I
see what I do and I will never do it again,” and then
you feel pretty bad when you do it again within the
half hour.
Refraining comes about spontaneously when you
see how your neurotic action works. You may say to
yourself, “It would still feel good; it still looks like it
would be fun,” but you refrain because you already
know the chain reaction of misery that it sets off. The
initial bite, or the initial drink, or the initial harsh
word might give you some feeling of well-being, but
it’s followed by the chain reaction of misery that
you’ve been through not once but five thousand
times. So refraining is a natural thing that comes
from the fact that we have basic wisdom in us. It’s im-
portant to remember that refraining is not harsh, like
yelling at yourself or making yourself do something
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you don’t want to do. It’s gentle; at the very most, you
say to yourself, “One day at a time.”
3 . R e m e d i a l a c t i o n
. The third part of confess-
ing your neurotic activity is remedial action, doing
something about the whole thing, doing some kind of
practice to water the seed of wisdom, giving it the
necessary moisture to grow. To see neurosis as neuro-
sis, to have a sense of regret and to refrain, and then
to do the practice helps to purify the whole situation.
The practice traditionally suggested is to take refuge
in the three jewels—the Buddha, the dharma, and
the sangha.
To take refuge in the Buddha is to take refuge in
someone who let go of holding back, just as you can
do. To take refuge in the dharma is to take refuge in
all the teachings that encourage you and nurture your
inherent ability to let go of holding back. And to take
refuge in the sangha is to take refuge in the commu-
nity of people who share this longing to let go and
open rather than shield themselves. The support that
we give each other as practitioners is not the usual
kind of samsaric support in which we all join the
same team and complain about someone else. It’s
more that you’re on your own, completely alone, but
it’s helpful to know that there are forty other people
who are also going through this all by themselves.
That’s very supportive and encouraging. Fundamen-
tally, even though other people can give you support,
you do it yourself, and that’s how you grow up in this
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process, rather than becoming more dependent.
4 . R e s o l u t i o n
. The fourth aspect of laying down
your evil action is the resolve not to repeat it. Again,
this can be tricky if misunderstood: the point is not to
be harsh with yourself. Don’t let an authoritarian
inner voice tell you that if you do it again you’re going
to get a lump of coal in the bottom of your stocking.
All four parts of this process come from confi-
dence in your basic goodness. All four come out of
some gentleness toward yourself because there’s al-
ready a sense of appreciation. You can regret your
neurosis and open. You can refrain from doing it
again because you don’t want to harm yourself any-
more. You can practice because you have basic re-
spect for yourself, and you wish to do what nurtures
your sense of confidence and warriorship rather than
what makes you feel more poverty-stricken and iso-
lated. So, finally, resolving not to do it again becomes
a complete surrender, the last stage in a fourfold
process of opening further.