The unisex purity test

II. Who Says You Need a Partner?

OR I'm The Best I've Ever Had
(Autoerotica and Mono-Sexualism - 139 Questions)
(while most of the actions described here are usually done in private, it counts if others

were present)
(notably, we ask that you refrainfrom doing them now)
Have you:
115.scratched and sniffed any catalog?

116.scratched and sniffed any person?

117.been sexually aroused?

118.been sexually aroused for no apparent reason (just walking down the street, watching

the weather channel, etc.)?

119.had an arousing or sexually explicit dream (Wet Dreams and the like)?

120.skinny-dipped alone (bath tub doesn't count)?

121.read or bought erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit periodicals (often pronounced

"dirty magazines")?

122.read or bought pornographic material that might be described as really gross?

123.subscribed to any erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit periodicals?(include

alt.sex, alt.sex.whatever)

124.read erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit books?

125.read classic pornographic books (Candy, Fanny Hill, Naked Came the Stranger)?

126.been bored while reading erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit literature?

127.written erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit literature?

128.written lust letters?

129.written lust letters to yourself anonymously?

130.misspelled 'dirty' words?

131.misspelled other words as 'dirty' words?

132.read any sex manuals (e.g. Joy of Sex, Everything you always wanted to Know

about Sex)?

133.Did you find them too complicated?

134.read Krafft-Ebing's Psychopathia Sexualis?

135.read the Kama Sutra?

136.not believed that humans could bend that way?

137.proven yourself wrong?

138.used the Kama Sutra as a checklist (or shopping list)?

139.read any Presidential report on obscenity?

140.underlined, or marked 'good' parts?

141.made an obscene phone call anonymously?

142.made an obscene phone call and identified yourself?

143.received an anonymous obscene phone call?

144.received an obscene phone call from someone you knew (phone sex doesn't count)?

145.received an obscene phone call and had it turn you on?

146.called any phone sex numbers (recorded or live)?

147.called a 1(800) phone sex number and tried to guess a credit card number?

148.Did it work?

149.recorded an obscene call for later playback?

150.worked at a live phone sex number?

151.had phone sex with a friend?

152.had phone sex with a complete stranger (dedicated phone sex numbers don't count)?

153.had computer sex with a friend (like phone sex, but using a chat program instead)?

154.had computer sex with a stranger?

155.masturbated (if you either blush at this question or answer 'no' to it, give up now and

go listen to some Lawrence Welk)?

156.masturbated on a regular basis (more than once a week)?

157.masturbated on a set schedule (OOPS, gotta go, Mom. It's time for my 3:00 jerk-

off)?

158.masturbated to orgasm (isn't that the point?)?

159.masturbated to orgasm more than four times in 24 hours?

160.masturbated to orgasm more than ten times in 24 hours?

161.masturbated to orgasm more than 24 times in 24 hours (yup, Bob, that'd be once an

hour for a full day)?

162.masturbated to multiple orgasm?

163.fainted while masturbating as a result of orgasm?

164.target-practice masturbated (females, too; it IS possible)?

165.masturbated with a pillow or mattress?

166.masturbated onto a houseplant?

167.masturbated with a houseplant (as in, rubbing yourself with a houseplant, not mas-

turbating at the same time as a houseplant)?

168.tried to masturbate with a houseplant you didn't realize (until it was too late) was

prickly (damn cactus!)?

169.used an masturbatory aid (dildo, pocket pussy, etc.)?

170.used an inflatable doll for masturbating?

171.used a stuffed animal for masturbating?

172.masturbated against a house-hold appliance (i.e., washing machine on spin cycle)?

173.masturbated with food?

174.eaten the food afterward?

175.fed someone else the food afterward?

176.fed someone else the food without them knowing what you did to it?

177.fantasized about someone while masturbating?

178.fantasized about someone masturbating while masturbating?

179.fantasized about someone fantasizing about you masturbating while masturbating?

180.fantasized about someone of the opposite sex masturbating while masturbating?

181.fantasized while masturbating that you were of the opposite sex?

182.masturbated while reading erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit literature?

183.masturbated while reading textbooks (biology or human sexuality doesn't count)?

184.masturbated while watching an R, NC-17, or X rated movie in private (cable, video-

tape, or film)?

185.masturbated while watching an R, NC-17, or X rated movie in public (a theater)?

186.masturbated while on the phone (no kinky interpretations of "on the phone". This

means you were talking to somebody through the phone lines while you were masturbat-

ing. The other party need not know what you were doing, you little pervert)?

187.masturbated while driving?

188.masturbated in a car with someone else driving?

189.masturbated in a public bathroom?

190.masturbated in a public bathroom of the opposite sex?

191.masturbated in any public place?

192.masturbated in the wild?

193.masturbated where there was the possibility of being caught?

194.been caught masturbating?

195.adjusted your genitals in public (you'd think they'd be set at the factory)?

196.tried to perform oral sex on yourself (yes, it IS possible)?

197.successfully performed oral sex on yourself?

198.Did you have an orgasm?

199.Did you swallow?

200."basted" yourself (inserting a turkey baster into a major orifice and doing the suction

thing)?

201.inserted anything into your rectum and then walked around all day (with whatever it

was still in your ass)?

202.insert anything into or fasten anything around your genitals and walk around all day

with it in place?

203.affected an accent (SCA or Theater doesn't count)?

204.permanently affected an accent (Downtown Julie Brown was born and raised in

NYC)?

205.asked a friend, of his/her new male 'friend', ".. is he hung"?

206.sent a candygram?

207.sent a strip-o-gram?

208.done a strip tease for someone else?

209.done a strip tease for yourself?

210.done a strip tease for relatives ("Thanksgiving dinner will have to wait because, Ju-

lie's going to STRIP FOR US!!")?

211.been to a burlesque show (Rocky Horror counts)?

212.been to a peep show?

213.been to a live sex show?

214.been to an erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit movie?

215.been to a private showing of an erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit movie (The

classic 'stag' party, even if you're female)?

216.held a private showing of an erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit movie?

217."acted" in an erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit movie?

218.held a showing of the movie you were in?

219.practiced autoerotic asphyxia (trying to heighten your sexual pleasure through semi-

suffocation)?

220.bought a codpiece?

221.made a codpiece?

222.worn a codpiece?

223.bought a padded bra?

224."padded" a bra?

225.worn a padded bra (or improvised breasts)?

226.wished you were of the opposite sex?

227.decided that if you were to be of the opposite sex you'd want to be homosexual?

228.had a friend of the opposite sex that you traded clothes with?

229.had a sex change operation (they do amazing things with Velcro)?

230.woke up having had a sex change involuntarily?

231.worn clothing that was "revealing" (either of your figure, or that emphasized 'strate-

gic' locations)?

232.worn clothing that you didn't know was THAT revealing (like the seat has ripped out

or such)?

233.gone for more than one day in the same set of underwear?

234.gone for more than one week in the same set of underwear?

235.been in public without wearing underwear?

236.regularly not worn underwear?

237.photocopied personal portions of your anatomy (tits, ass, or genitals)?

238.used them for Christmas (or other holiday) cards?

239.programmed a computer to orgasm (yours)?

240.programmed a computer to orgasm (the computer's)?

241.cruised (in an automobile)?

242.cruised the bars?

243.cruised the gay bars?

244.cruised the leather bars?

245.cruised the parallel bars?

246.used toys to act out fantasies (Barbie dolls, My Little Pony, GI Joe, Legos, etc.)?

247.owned an erotic art piece (like the cat woman's phallic symbol in A Clockwork Or-

ange)?

248.bought a piece of art not realizing that it was erotic?

249.sculpted an erotic art piece out of a sculptable material (clay, wood, soap, etc.)?

250.sculpted anything erotic out of food (mashed potatoes, etc.)?

251.eaten the erotic food?

252.made an X rated snowman (or woman)?

253.engage sexually with said snowperson (Be sure you get verbal consent!)?


III. How Low Will You Go?
(Ethical Considerations -- 222 Questions)
Have you:
254.told bad jokes?

255.made puns?

256.accidentally made puns?

257.made puns on obscenities (e.g. "knock knock." 'who's there? ' "fornication", 'forni-

cation who' "fornication like this you should wear a black tie")?

258.flubbed a punch line?

259.told a joke knowing that you had forgotten the punch-line?

260.worked at a fast-food place?

261.worked at a fast-food place for over a year?

262.worked at a fast-food place for over three years without at least becoming a manager?

263.held a grudge (sort of soft and squishy)?

264.recited limericks?

265.recited dirty limericks("There once was a man from Nantucket/Whose dick was so

long...")?

266.written dirty limericks?

267.served cheap booze?

268.passed cheap booze as the expensive stuff?

269.not paid your library fines?

270.borrowed a book under someone else's name just so you wouldn't have to give it

back?

271.lied?

272.lied to somebody at somebody else's request?

273.lied about your sexual preference to avoid a date?

274.committed adultery (technically it's only if you were married, but counts if you were-

n't)?

275.started a fight?

276.started a bar fight?

277.started a brawl?

278.started a riot?

279.started a war?

280.started a nuclear war?

281.instigated a raid (panty or otherwise)?

282.instigated a border raid?

283.instigated a border war?

284.watched Benny Hill, Monty Python, Dr. Ruth, or Talk Soup?

285.watched primetime soaps?

286.watched primetime soaps regularly (every week, day, whatever)?

287.watched primetime soaps regularly and felt stupid (i.e. you hate Melrose Place, but

end up watching it every week anyway)?

288.considered romance to be whatever gets him/her out of his/her clothes?

289.considered anything more than a towel "overdressed"?

290.considered living together without benefit of clergy or legal sanction not a sin (can't

live in sin if you don't believe in it)?

291.not respected the sanctity of living in sin (e.g., hit up on someone regardless of

whether they lived with another)?

292.implied greater (non-sexual) experience than you actually possessed?

293.implied greater sexual experience than you actually possessed?

294.implied lesser (non-sexual) experience than you actually possessed?

295.implied lesser sexual experience than you actually possessed (lying to parents doesn't

count)?

296.not thought it promiscuous having different partners annually?

297.not thought it promiscuous having different partners monthly?

298.not thought it promiscuous having different partners weekly?

299.not thought it promiscuous having different partners daily?

300.not thought it promiscuous having different partners at a time?

301.had sex with someone whose name you didn't know at the time?

302.had sex with someone whose name you still don't know?

303.had sex with someone whose name you don't remember?

304.had sex with someone whose name you don't want to know?

305.had sex with someone whose language you don't (or didn't) know?

306.had sex with someone whose face you never saw?

307.had sexual activity (not necessarily intercourse) with someone ten or more years

younger than you?

308.had sexual activity with someone ten or more years older than you?

309.had sex (penetration) with someone half your age?

310.had sex with someone twice your age?

311.had sex with someone for revenge (on them, on their current or ex-, on your current

or ex-)?

312.been thought to have installed a 'take-a-ticket' machine (as in 'now serving num-

ber...')?

313.felt that it would be a good investment to install a condom machine on your wall?

314.gone to a motel for the sole purpose of sexual activity?

315.traveled to another city for the sole purpose of sexual activity?

316.lied about how old you were for purposes of sexual activity?

317.lied about how old you were to obtain alcohol?

318.lied about how old you were for the hell of it?

319.broken your word, vow or promise?

320.told someone you loved them when you did not?

321.not told someone you loved them when you did?

322.been nice to someone in hopes of having sex with them?

323.been mean to someone in hopes of having sex with them?

324.told someone that you loved them strictly because you wanted sex with them?

325.fantasized during sexual activity about somebody other than the one present during

sexual activity?

326.fantasized during sexual activity that your partner was of the opposite gender (than

THEY were)?

327.fantasized during sexual activity that you were somebody else?

328.fantasized during sexual activity that you were of the opposite gender?

329.fantasized during sexual activity that you were of another species?

330.fantasized during sexual activity about Smurfs (or any cartoon character)?

331.faked orgasm (guys too)?

332.been caught faking?

333.caught someone faking?

334.not cared if they were faking or not?

335.told them they were great when they weren't?

336.told someone that their sexual skill was "lacking"?

337.intentionally 'eavesdropped' while others were engaged in sexual activity?

338.blown snot rockets?

339.blown snot rockets onto someone?

340.blown snot rockets onto someone during sexual activity?

341.plotted conspiracy?

342.plotted murder?

343.plotted a parabola or hyperbola?

344.shown erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit movies or videos to get someone else

in the mood?

345.shown erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit movies or videos to get yourself in

the mood ("oh, shit, you again?...where's my porno?)?

346.used alcohol to lower someone else's inhibitions about sexual activity?

347.used alcohol to lower your inhibitions about sexual activity?

348.used another drug to lower someone else's inhibitions about sexual activity?

349.used another drug to lower your inhibitions about sexual activity?

350.dipped into capital (been unable to live on one's investment income. If you have to

ask the answer is 'no.')?

351.kited checks?

352.used credit cards without the owner's consent or knowledge?

353.traded stock on inside information?

354.traded stock on blind luck?

355.ignored someone because you didn't want to admit you had sex with them?

356.been ignored by someone because they didn't want to admit that they had sex with

you?

357.ignored someone because you weren't sure if you had sex with them and you didn't

want to know?

358.wanted something or someone that someone else has, simply because they have it

and you don't (coveted)?

359.gone on a date in one night with two or more people with each person unaware of the

other(s)?

360.gone on a date in one night with two or more people with all aware of the other(s)?

361.gone steady with two or more people with each person unaware of the other(s)?

362.gone steady with two or more people with all aware of the other(s)?

363.implied having had sex with someone when you hadn't?

364.denied having had sex with someone when you had (not telling your parents is

merely survival)?

365.gossiped?

366.gossiped about yourself?

367.had a "sex contest" with friends?

368.lost a sex contest?

369.won a sex contest?

370.lied to be declared winner of a sex contest?

371.been in military service?

372.been denied (for whatever reason) admittance to the military?

373.woke up in the military service (often accompanied by a severe hangover)?

374.put an ad in the persons to persons?

375.put an ad for a sex partner?

376.gotten one?

377.advertised for a sex partner including a photograph?

378.advertised for a sex partner including a photograph of "strategic body parts"?

379.answered an advert for a sex partner?

380.exited through a window because someone came home unexpectedly?

381.taken someone someplace to be seen in their company?

382.taken someone someplace to be seen in their company by someone in particular?

383.taken someone someplace specific so as not to be seen in their company?

384.beaten someone severely for no reason (ala A Clockwork Orange)?

385.been in a wet T-shirt contest?

386.won a wet T-shirt contest?

387.judged a wet T-shirt contest?

388.been in a whose-better-physically-equipped contest (guys or girls)?

389.won a whose-better-physically-equipped contest (zzzip...'thud')?

390.participated in a "sword-fight" with yours or somebody else's naughty bits (use your

imagination)?

391.given your kids unusual names based on puns (Shanda Lear, Laurel Ann Hardy)?

392.given your kids unusual names in general (Dweezel)?

393.named your child after a porn star (John Holmes Smith, Amber Lynn Cunningham,

etc.)?

394.named your child after a porn star without the other parent knowing the origin of the

name?

395.given your cat, dog or other furry-type animal a mohawk or a punk hairdo?

396.gone to a scary movie?

397.gone to a scary movie as an excuse to get close to someone?

398.fed someone 'treif' (non-kosher food.)?

399.mixed meat and dairy?

400.eaten 'treif'?

401.eaten during daylight during Ramadan?

402.eaten red meat on Friday?

403.eaten horse meat?

404.eaten human meat (actually swallowed and eventually digested it)?

405.fed someone dog food?

406.fed a vegetarian meat without their knowledge?

407.been in a gross out contest?

408.been in a gross out contest, and won?

409.hired someone more for their looks?

410.wife-(or husband) swapped?

411.wanted to trade them in for a working model?

412.been willing to trade 'em off cheap?

413.flirted with relatives?

414.flirted with in-laws?

415.told somebody something "for their own good"?

416.told somebody something supposedly "for their own good," but you really just

wanted to hurt their feeling or piss them off?

417.had sex using birth control pills?

418.had sex using a condom , diaphragm or other barrier method?

419.had sex using a polyurethane male condom (Avanti)?

420.used a Reality Female Condom (try them, they're great)?

421.had sex without the use of a birth control method more effective than prayer (Oh,

God, don't let me/her get pregnant)?

422.had sex without the use of even prayer (they call people who do this frequently

"parents")?

423.had sex with no protection, but then used the "morning after pill"?

424.had sex with the "pull-out" method of birth control?

425.pulled out and come in his/her mouth (or had someone pull out and come in your

mouth) so as to not have to clean up afterwards?

426.had (or taken someone to have) an abortion?

427.paid for an abortion (purchasing RU486 and the like counts)?

428.performed an abortion (pennyroyal tea and the like counts)?

429.welshed on a bet or wager?

430.offered sexual favors as payoff for a wager?

431.been refused ("I think I'd rather have my dollar back.")?

432.offered another person's sexual favors as payoff for your wager?

433.offered another person's sexual favors for no good reason?

434.feared that you might be (or caused someone to be) unintentionally pregnant?

435.found out that you were (or caused someone to be) unintentionally pregnant?

436.drooled on someone?

437.had someone drool on you?

438.paid someone to drool on you?

439.always accepted sex (never refused it regardless of race, creed, color, religion, age,

gender, condition, or politics)?

440.accepted sloppy seconds (it's better than nothing)?

441.had sex with someone who was merely doing you a favor?

442.coerced someone into having sex with you (you were going to be impossible to be

with unless your hormone level was lowered)?

443.offered sex for money or other consideration (a better grade, raise, drugs, etc.)?

444.accepted sex for money or other consideration (a better grade, raise, drugs, etc.)?

445.demanded sex for money or other consideration ("Put out or walk" / "I'll scream if

you don't" are but the more blatant forms)?

446.cashed in your soda-pop can lids (the ones that if you get it off the can in once piece

you get a free fuck)?

447.been offered a sympathy fuck?

448.accepted a sympathy fuck?

449.offered a sympathy fuck?

450.had someone accept your offer of a sympathy fuck?

451.offered a sympathy fuck, and been rejected (time to go back to the masturbation sec-

tion)?

452.drank all but the last quarter inch from the milk carton or water bottle and put it back

in the fridge (so you wouldn't have to refill it)?

453.woke up the next morning with the computer keyboard on your pillow (you might be

programming too much)?

454.tried to convince your partner that intercourse would help prevent/relieve cramps?

455.tried to convince your partner that oral sex was good for the complexion?

456.considered sperm a protein supplement?

457.questioned someone about their sex life when they were incapable of not answering

(e.g. they were truly wasted, or talking in their sleep)?

458.questioned your other half about their sex life when they were incapable of not an-

swering?

459.used whatever they said against them?

460.read somebody's diary without his/her consent or knowledge?

461.searched somebody's room/house without his/her consent or knowledge?

462.attempted to corrupt someone's morals?

463.attempted to corrupt someone's morals and discover it is too late?

464.attempted to corrupt someone's morals only to discover they know things you don't?

465.used a hair dryer in the shower (even though the little tag explicitly says not to do it)?

466.not worn a helmet on a bicycle?

467.not worn a helmet on a motorcycle?

468.given someone a wedgie?

469.hung someone by their underwear on a doorknob (or other hook-like thing)?

470.received a wedgie?

471.been hung on a doorknob (or other hook-like thing)?

472.given someone an atomic wedgie (that is a wedgie so deep that the victim's under-

wear waistband is pulled over his/her head)?

473.received an atomic wedgie?

474.given a shoe wedgie?

475.received a shoe wedgie?