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752 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sun Oct 8, 2000 8:24am Subject: Fear and jealousy This is a PS to a previous post. > Hi Ellie, > I have gone through a tough couple of days (with my partner) and the new emotions I need to deal with are fear and jealousy. When re-reading the article one thing you say about fear is that it is difficult to recognize that this is anger trying to get out. What I am trying to understand is where the fear and jealousy began in order to redirect to the abuser. I don't know if its a childhood thing or because of my partner and our current separation. What are your thoughts? EJ It's both, but sounds more to do with childhood. If you get all the anger out at your parents you won't fear losing your partner.....Ellie I think I didn't make clear what I meant here. I think when you get all the anger out you will not fear losing the kind of dependent love from your partner you didn't get from him or your parents as a child. I didn't mean that you would not want to continue the relationship. Hopefully your partner will want to recover as well and the relationship will survive in a healthy way based on true love, which I like to define as 'caring about the well being of another.' Ellie http://home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/toxicmind.html http://www.egroups.com/group/Depression-Anxiety 753 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Mon Oct 9, 2000 8:15am Subject: Success with detoxification Dear Ellie, I feel that your self-help methods will be of great help to me in furthering my recovery. They are very much in line with the kind of energetic work I have been doing with a bio-energetic therapist I've been going to. It's also funny that many times in the past (I've been through about 4 or 5 major depressions), I've found myself kicking, dancing in fury and rage, throwing things around the room, slamming doors, etc., and I see now that those were the beginnings of instinctively letting my anger out. I know I have a lot of anger and frustration to get out, and this latest depression that came upon me (which began about a month ago) shows me that I haven't really come anywhere near getting it all out (since I tend to have a depression once every year or two, starting in my mid-20s; I'm 29 now). I am highly functional, but still it's a horrible frustration and inconvenience to go through such an intense, deep, sometimes debilitating depression every few years. I was abused physically and emotionally as a child in a household where I felt very alone, miserable, and abandoned. The trappings and showings of love were there but I felt very disconnected from my parents and my {older) brother. Only in the past 6 years or so have I even become aware of how much resentment, anger, rage, loneliness, despair, and misery I've been carrying with me all my life. I long for real, substantial healing so that this doesn't keep welling up from within my psyche, paralyzing me every year or two. I've started on a program of regular exercise - karate, which I find very focusing and good for getting out anger and aggressive energy; also good for mental and physical discipline and control. But very often my anger feels far away, even though I feel empty and terrified. My therapist comments that I've become very good at disassociating from myself and avoiding my real feelings because of the mask of "being OK and happy" that I put on for so many years in my life, and I know she's right in this observation. So I'm working to get closer to my real emotions, many of which are painful (which is why I avoid them; they were too painful for me to fully feel as a helpless child). And I know that this time around I have a real opportunity to heal and detoxify once and for all. I have a tremendous will and determination to do this, but I also have a lot of fear and tend to intellectualize a lot and go "into my head." I fear that I won't be able to really access the anger and rage and sadness that I feel, since deep down I'm still afraid of these emotions, and I think I subconsciously try to avoid really experiencing them. Yet intellectually I know this is the only way I can really heal and be whole again. I really appreciate the email posts and the generous service and support you are providing. I think this time I can really heal once and for all; I just know that I'm very afraid and still feel somewhat disassociated from my current reality. I am on anti-depressant medications and am aware that I look to them to give me perspective and strength; however, I also know that they only give me the strength to deal with my issues (I must do the work, not the medications). I just want to feel whole again. I know I can do it and I think this time it will be "for keeps," but I confess a lot of fear, doubt, and trepidation, even though I have faith in myself and in God. Thank you again for your help and support; I would like to hear back from you in a post but I don't know exactly what kind of response I need or what I am seeking. I suppose I just need encouragement and support. I have a lot of issues about rebelling, and I think my resistance to these methods is tied in to self-destructive tendencies and rage and resentment that I have to do all this work because I was abused (through no fault of my own) as a child. It's like I'm furious that I have to unlearn my defense mechanisms; it's not fair and I feel tremendous envy for adults who don't have to overcome this chaos. I'm aware that I almost feel an addiction to feeling sorry for myself or to bottling up my anger. And I want to break free, and feel free and whole, perhaps for the first time in a long while. Actually, I find that I have already gone through some anger redirecting, which must have been successful because I have had a lot of headaches and increased periods of depression after that redirecting. But of course, I fear it because it brings on more depression. But having just written to you about being afraid to truly go into this process, I'm aware that I've already begun - as I've had at least three real periods of releasing and redirecting my anger, sadness, rage, fury, and resentment at being abused and emotionally abandoned. >
> However, I am aware that it's very hard for me to get to such raw emotions that I really cry hard and let it all out. I feel tremendous sadness and misery but often feel unable to really cry. But I suppose that will come in time if I keep redirecting the anger and not running away from my "negative" emotions. (I was taught and conditioned as a child not to allow myself emotions such as anger, sadness, self-pity, misery, rage, loneliness, etc. I was taught that these were bad and selfish emotions and that no one wanted to burdened with my 'whining'. What a cauldron that created in me, considering the level I was beaten, humiliated, ignored, or emotionally isolated and abandoned. TW Later from TW: Well, several hours after I wrote to you about being afraid that I can't seem to cry lately and hoping that the anger redirection would continue to be a source of healing for me, I tried it (again) and it was VERY effective. I wasn't all that emotionally wound up when I began hitting my bed with a pillow, but soon I was very worked up and upset. While hitting the bed I was saying "I don't deserve this! I NEVER deserved this! It's not fair that I have to fix all this stuff! It's not fair that I was hurt so badly! I don't want to hurt like this anymore!! It's not fair what you did to me!!"
for me.
The best response I can give you is... Hooray for you...I borrowed this from Cathy who was the first to find the article on the Internet. You will heal and detoxify and be whole again. I'm glad you see that this is just a beginning, but know as long as you redirect you will not have to relive all those fearful moments of the past. Emotions are painful during vicarious detox crises, but when you redirect, as Tom wrote in his Hurricane Detox (Message no. 670 in the Archives), you can stay in the eye of the storm. When you are post flood you will identify with this comment I sent to Cathy. 'I was watching Alice in Wonderland on the TV. Two things impressed me, "Losing your temper is against the Queens (Moms!) regulations" and what the rabbit said when Alice was crying, "I speak crying and sobbing fluently" You've done it! You lost your temper against all the Queen's rules! and you spoke crying and sobbing fluently!' I don't use soy products, I don't think it is natural food. I occasionally pop some vitamins pills because our soils are so poor, but honestly doubt if I need them. I eat Instinctively, when food is in its natural state, what tastes good is good for me, what tastes bad gets spit out. Here are some links to this way of eating: http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/LinksPages.html Ellie
> How do you go about 'redirecting' anger...isn't acknowledging who the anger belongs to enough?...Can you just think about it and get angry at the abuser in our minds and then, once its acknowledged, let it go? or is it important to yell, beat a pillow or do something 'physical' to redirect and release? ES Please reread and study the article so you will see that there is a toxicosis in the brain, which is like a reservoir (filled with toxins) of excess neurochemicals that store repressed anger. Neurochemicals that are in excess are toxic, just like too much food is toxic. It is more like many reservoirs in various parts of the brain. The reservoirs are much too full and the brain periodically opens some floodgates to release the neurochemicals that store this anger in the form of detox crises, which are excitatory nervous symptoms. But until we learn to redirect, these are vicarious detox crises, (e.g. misdirected anger). There is so much repressed anger that the brain can only do this little by little, ie periodically. You can think about the abusers, get angry at them mentally, and this will help, but you can't 'let go' consciously of the anger. It's a physiological process that goes on without consciously letting go. All you can do during a detox crisis is consciously redirect the anger to all past abusers. Although the mentally redirecting will help by itself, it is much more efficient to get as physical as possible. This helps more flood gates to open, more reservoirs to drain, ie. more areas of the toxicosis to be cleared, and speeds the detoxification process. Ellie 756 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Mon Oct 9, 2000 10:52am Subject: How soon to notice changes > How long before one can notice a change in ones self?...Are we talking months or years...etc? ES Again, please read the article, especially the section 'Mood swings may worsen but are temporary.' and 'Post flood can be reached in a short time.' Releasing anger has an immediate antidepressant effect. If you are enthusiastic about redirecting during a detox crisis, you are likely to notice a 'high,' ie an immediate relief from depression. This is because the major toxic neurochemical in the reservoirs in the brain is noradenraline, and this is released into synapses during detox crises. This is the neurochemicial that is increased at synapses as a result of taking antidepressants. So using the self-help measures has an immediate antidepressant effect, and people can usually let go of taking antidepressants (under medical supervision). The high may be followed by increased depression, but his will be relieved with the next detox crisis. The arbitrary point I chose as 'post flood,' ie when about 95% of the repressed anger is gone, and mood swings are minimal, can be reached in from six weeks to several months based on my experience with people so far. I think the time this takes depend on how often you do the redirecting, and this may depend on individual circumstances, how toxic the brain was, and the number of triggering incidents in ones life. It doesn't mean you are doing it wrong if it takes you longer than others. After the point of post flood there is what I call a 'muddy basin' period, an adjustment period, that can last a year or more, when there will be a continued need to redirect and the need to release feelings of grief. It will be important to continue to feel and process feelings of anger which will have more and more to do with current interactions and less and less to do with the past. Ellie
> 757 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Mon Oct 9, 2000 0:57pm Subject: A child redirecting > Ellie, > I have no science background but I knew when I read your article Biology of Emotion that your research made so much sense, and I felt empowered. > > I ran across your article a couple of months ago. I began to slowly implement the redirecting and saw immediate results or relief. I could feel the toxicity both build up and then released. After signing on to the egroup I began to redirect more, mostly because I'm getting better at recognizing the triggering elements or detox crisis's, which are overwhelming sometimes because they seem to come often, although, I know they were always there I just have a higher sense of awareness and am facing them head on rather than ignoring or repressing them. Being able to name what they are has been key for me. (The e-group messages also help tremendously) I redirect sometimes a half dozen times a day and sometimes I'm too exhausted to redirect and that's usually when I feel depressed and can feel the anger turned inward but again I'm too tired to redirect. I know I need to fight that and redirect anyway and a few times I have. Other times I have held on to your words of 'It will lift' and it does but it is painful, plain and simple. Knowing that feeling the pain is leading me down the path of healing helps a great deal. Your toxic mind theory gives me that assurance like no other tool I've come across. > > I have a couple of questions. I'm a work-at-home mom with a 4 year old. I can't really do a lot of noisy redirecting (whack the bed, yell or scream, etc.) because I don't want to scare my son. I do a lot of quiet redirecting, (imaging in my head I am pounding my past abusers for all the hurt they caused me and punching the air when I get a moment alone while I think of my past abusers.) I want to know what your thoughts are on teaching my 4-year-old how to redirect? I have told him he can whack the bed with his plastic golf club when he gets angry and explained that thinking of those who have hurt him when he does this is a healthy way to express his anger in a safe environment. I explained that sometimes he may feel angry or frustrated but not know exactly why or who he is angry at and that it is okay to think of those who have hurt him while whacking the bed so he can get the anger out. At first he was timid with it but now he whacks the bed pretty hard while saying he is angry at so and so for hurting him. Even though I have told him he can say he is angry at me while he does this I notice he doesn't feel comfortable and I understand, although one time he did and he got a lot of anger out and he always says he feels much better afterward. Sometimes he will use imaginary friends to be angry at, like a character from one of his favorite shows. I'm not sure but I figure this is okay because he is supplanting a pretend character where he might not feel comfortable saying me or someone else so a pretend character is safe for now at the age he is. Often when he uses a pretend character he will laugh afterward and say something about how silly to use a pretend character. I say "that's okay" and we laugh together and then he does it again. I suspect and hope he will grow into feeling comfortable with expressing his anger at me while whacking the bed. Whenever I know he is angry at me I let him know that it is okay to express it by whacking the bed and saying he's mad at me. What are your thoughts on this? I am amazed how he will now come to me and say, "Mommy, I want to do the anger thing." When I introduced it to him I called it an anger session and sometimes I've called it the anger game but I think I prefer the anger session. > > Also, any ideas on some redirecting methods I can use in front of my son? Or should I save any physical and noisy redirecting for when I am alone? I did a "pretend redirect" with him to show him how to do it and sometimes when he wants me to take turns with him playing the anger game I just whack the bed with minimal anger to be sure not to scare him but use my face to express anger while saying that I am angry at so and so for hurting me. Then I kinda shake my limbs to release tension and sigh a sigh of relief. He will say, "good job, mom," or give me the thumbs up sign and then I notice he feels more comfortable to get angry and really whacks the bed. I have always let him take the lead since introducing it to him and when he's done he says, "it's over." We had a couple of sessions this week and yesterday he had a fever on and off throughout the day and then at night before going to bed said his head hurt. This morning he woke up fine but I am aware that if he is freeing up clogged neural pathways then he too may get the symptoms you mention. For the most part, he has always been very healthy and I wonder if his fever and headache are clearing symptoms. Incidentally, he has said his head hurt only one other time and it was after a pillow fight session where he was allowed to express his anger at me and his daddy and he also laughed a lot when I let him whack me with the pillow and I would fall over. He had a fever on and off for a couple of days after that time too and said his head hurt. I don't want to rule out any other medical conditions but I do think it is a coincidence that the on and off fever and headache have only surfaced after sessions. He has never complained of a headache before these two incidents. He has had a fever in conjunction with a cold of course but not on an on and off basis like the two recent kind. > > Any suggestions are greatly appreciated. BK I am so pleased to hear about this and it sounds like you are way ahead of me on how to help children redirect. I have referred people to Aletha Solter's book Tears and Tantrums, which I think is useful for very young children. You would also enjoy Lynn's post on helping her newborn child get his anger out at her. It's in the Archives/Messages No. 572. You are being guided by you own inner wisdom, which will not let you down. I would think that since you probably have more repressed anger than your son, it might be good to find places away from him to do it so as not to scare him with the intensity of your own anger. Try the shower or find other places and muffle your voice. But even if he hears you I'll bet he will let you know if he is frightened. And don't forget it's not the end of the world if you can't get physical each time, you will get new opportunities. You could certainly try doing it with him when it's not so intense which will be the case later on. It's good that you are gently encouraging him to redirect to you, and even if he uses pretend people for now, it is helping him heal. The vicarious detox crises are somewhat healing. He will be guided from within. The seed is planted that it is OK to redirect to you. In fact it sounds like he is teaching you. I can't presume to diagnose any medical conditions, but it does sound like the headaches and fever are part of the detox symptoms. If these symptoms occur along with or after detox crises but subside quickly it sounds like he is OK. Fever is part of the body revving up metabolism to help the detox. I had a fever of 104 for over a week, which is high for someone my age. I'm sure you would know if symptoms persist, become chronic when there is no redirecting, and need medical attention. Thank you for telling us your story. I'm sure there are others with young children who will be grateful to you for sharing this. Ellie
> 759 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Tue Oct 10, 2000 7:06am Subject: RE: Polite, Respect & Gratefulness > Hi Ellie > What is your take on using words such as please, sorry, thank you etc. Are they the survival tools invented by the toxic society or what? Your ideas are appreciated. ER This is insight from a clear post flood mind...three words most common to codependent people...another one is 'should.' I think you are on the mark that these are invented by toxic minds. Politeness was the basis of my upbringing, part of the 'poisonous pedagogy' of Alice Miller. I still use the 'please' and 'thank you' out of habit, especially when I write letters, and I see it do it on this list when I say 'please reread the article.' But I notice when I shop I no longer go in to a store and say 'Please', but more likely I will say, 'I need...' And many people send me emails with lots of 'thank yous' for this theory, and I find I want to delete them before posting to the list. I also find the word 'sorry' just doesn't feel right since I no longer have guilt. If I goof, I notice I don't use that as much as, "My apologies...." seems less like guilt. I suppose I'll continue to use them out of habit, but when the whole world is post flood, the way we express ourselves may change. Ellie http://home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/toxicmind.html http://www.egroups.com/group/Depression-Anxiety Yüklə 5,47 Mb. Dostları ilə paylaş:
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