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355 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Tue Mar 21, 2000 5:12am Subject: A PERIODIC detoxifcation process > Ellie, You mention how a person can become post flood in just two months if they redirect everytime they have a detoxification crisis throughout the day. I've been, or had been trying that. The only thing is that just to leave my house I can experience quite a lot of anxiety. Even getting on my computer I can put myself down and criticize myself for not "doing something right" or for not being fast enough or effective enough in certain respects. If I experience any anxiety or if I have any judgment or criticism against myself, then this is a detoxification crisis and an opportunity to redirect? This is what I was thinking so I tried to redirect and I was doing it nearly 100% of the time. That got exhausting to me I think. Maybe I was trying too hard and wanted to do too much too fast. If I didn't think I needed to confront each and every self-doubt then I might have done better, I don't know. Also I was going outside for walks and redirecting whenever I thought I had a chance to do so, which was quite often. I got self-conscious. I didn't want neighbors to think I was a crazy man because I was yelling, screaming and talking to myself. Sometimes I feel hamstrung by my own self-consciousness. I want to redirect as much as possible, but when I do it often triggers me to be concerned about what others think. It just seemed like an endless cycle to me that I wasn't winning. I got discouraged and gave up...for the most part anyway...I still redirect occasionally. > > The other night I was thinking about this lady I use to feel romantic towards. She lied to me a lot and fed me a lot of empty hopes and dreams. I probably wouldn't have fell for her lies if it wasn't for my being in a weak and vulnerable state at the time I met her. We don't even talk to each other anymore, but sometimes when I get to thinking about her and what she's said to me I get very very angry. Just the other night I was thinking of her...I wanted to call her and wake her up, maybe tell her that she's a bitch or that I hate her, simply because I was angry. I did try to redirect some of what I was feeling. I took some of the anger I was feeling and directed it towards my father. It did make me feel better and I was glad. The only thing is that I directed anger towards my father for only about 10 seconds and then all of a sudden I wasn't experiencing the anger I was feeling towards this girl. I wanted to continue feeling angry towards her so I could continue to redirect anger towards my father. I was not happy about the anger going away so rapidly. I know that there was much much more that needed to come out and be redirected. What am I suppose to do when I have a great chance at redirecting massive amounts of anger but it goes away so fast? I wish I could just become so enraged and pour it on my past abusers for hours and hours and hours, but it doesn't seem to be working that way. Daniel Dear Daniel, First let me say that post flood is the same as Janov's point of post primal or what Scientologists define as 'clear'. I don't want to give the impression that it means cured, but is a point to strive for. I've been in trouble with others who don't like this arbitrary choice of post-flood, and perhaps I would not use it if I began again. But I think it is useful as a goal and also I needed to reassure prison officials that prisoners could be relieved of a tendency to misdirect anger in a few months. I also had to keep the article short enough for a one-page pamphlet. And remember I had only my simple knowledge of the 'wrong neuron' concept to guide me, so I know once people have this concept, they will know how to proceed. Sally, for one, on this list did this long before my discovery of the biology, and so have many others. The gift of the toxic mind theory is to do the redirecting, as you have done, during as many detox crises as possible so as to make recovery speedier. Your body will be your teacher, not me. I added this to the Welcome message: (Post flood does not mean cured, but is an arbitrary point chosen as a goal. It is when about 95% of the repressed anger is gone, and mood swings should be minimal. There is a muddy basin period as after any flood, during which anger will be less intense, but must continue to be redirected. This can last a year or so and be mixed with intense, but also diminishing, feelings of grief. Eventually when the anger is almost entirely related to current interactions, it must also be felt and released or the toxicosis can re-occur.) The important thing to remember is that this is a PERIODIC detoxification process, a series of detox crises, each may be followed by depression or apathy or loss of energy or a drug like sleep. You are not in charge, but can speed it along by redirecting during each detox crisis. That you felt it was 'an endless cycle to me that I wasn't winning.' is just because your body, or rather brain, needs to rest in between detox crises. It is a cycle, ie periodic, but it is not endless and the work you did will have served to make your recovery quicker in the long run. That you 'still redirect occasionally' is a good sign, ie that you may have done so much work, that the detox crises are less often...So hooray for you. As for the detox with you lady friend who was leading you on but really rejecting you, again, good for you. You said: 'I directed anger towards my father for only about 10 seconds and then all of a sudden I wasn't experiencing the anger I was feeling towards this girl. I wanted to continue feeling angry towards her so I could continue to redirect anger towards my father.' This is great, it was a detox and you redirected during it, and the anger was released. The detox crisis was over, and it was healing for you. You will get more chances to do this, and each time the anger will be less and less. As for this comment of yours: 'It did make me feel better and I was glad.' This is the 'high' that comes after detoxing the anger. It is caused by a release of excess noradrenaline, and is the same high that people get from antidepressants or any other stimulant. I think I'll let God take the blame for egging us on to do this, and then the 'highs' get less and less. But these are a manicky kind of high and I can say that now I have a sustainable 'euphoria' I call it, ie freedom from anxiety and distress. Sounds to me like you are a winner. I hope you are doing the questionnaire in the Welcome message as a guide. Ellie
http://www.home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway/depression.html The same article entitled Self help for addictions is on: http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/Sauna/2579 The longer version entitled Self help for emotional disorders is on: http://pages.nyu.edu/~er26/depression.html To join the Depression-Anxiety list: http://www.onelist.com/subscribe/Depression-Anxiety
> My follow-up technique is to picture myself throwing up at them faces, even in current interactions. It's both safe and it goes totally unnoticed from the still-in-denial abusers, which has the secondary benefit of avoiding new dead-end conflicts. It's become a signal to my mind and body to eliminate chemical by-products. Guess what? I eat an apple or two everytime my parents call. And I sometimes get a headache too, but it swiftly goes away... Love, Lynn I love it, better than shooting at those snickering faces. Try it Daniel... Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Thu Mar 23, 2000 5:40am Subject: Re: venting Ellie, I'm yet again feeling so enraged.!@#$%^%&^&**()()_ I've redirected & redirected but on it goes, a life of its own. I feel so uncomfortable...the rageful thoughts just go round & round in my head. I rage toward the abusers adding anyone my mind remembers and yet I rage on... ugh. I like using the guns too.
I also realized there was nothing I could do to hurt him because he just didn't give a fat f.... or s...whichever...this is the truth of my situation as I evaluate it...A parent that cares only about his needs even at this stage of the game he's willing to alienate my affections. Well dam him let him just f.... die. If it's soon at least I would get some money, the money I didn't get but my brother did and so did my son... both squandered their portions. What little I got I saved...Although I'm poor now, been sick for tooo many yrs. had I not saved as I did I would have been in the street...Instead of getting positive feedbacks from my father or any man for that matter on this matter-which I'm now seeing as positive-They've all thought I was to be pitied, not valued for my gypsy like ways...the heck w/all these men who are men like my father. Some day I will want a 'good' man, a man who values ME. Well, I know you want me to keep redirecting. I need to write as I'm writing. If this is not the proper venue for this kind of writings and you know of a list where I can vent like this please let me know. Laura
Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Thu Mar 23, 2000 6:22am Subject: A note to Andrew I'm not able to reach you directly. Please let me know if you are receiving posts from the list. Ellie 360 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Fri Mar 24, 2000 7:02am Subject: Re: stuck I'm stuck! I feel rage toward someone in the here & now. I am 'trying' to redirect in my mind. when I do I stop 'feeling' & it's just an unfeeling thought w/o any energy behind it. Mostly I feel hurt & want to cry. It all feels trapped inside me. Stuck. I need a release. I feel crazy inside. I feel nauseated. I awoke w/nausea insomnia. found some things to throw in the house. throwing is what I like to do. needs to be non breakable-or something I don't care about and make a sound. splat! Laura
Ellie 361 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Fri Mar 24, 2000 5:48am Subject: Re: Treated like a cat > Dear Ellie, In regards to the enraged anger, the one thing throughout the 15 years I have redirected, in the beginning coming to post flood, I found that sitting down and journaling my thoughts which is redirecting them, as the journaling is to my abuser, I also ended with my thoughts and feelings of what I felt and wanted and wished upon them and then I ended with forgiveness, even thou you do not feel forgiveness as of yet, just voicing it on paper or even aloud, will help bring it about, is a powerful tool for recovering from past abuse, say it til it takes affect, the hate and the forgiveness, realizing they did not know what they were doing, in some cases I felt my abusers knew exactly what they were doing on one end of the scale but on the other end of the scale they didn't know what they were doing deep down inside of me and if they did know and continued I'd pray that all they did to me be reversed and sent back upon their own head. Actually that is what the Bible teaches that when we do forgive, that what others do to us, will revert back upon their own head. Universal law. That's not revenge it is like gravity it just comes back for their own good, so that they might see the err of their ways, that's what real love is, not covering over what someone did, only our Creator knows just how to bring all that about. Sally 362 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Fri Mar 24, 2000 5:55am Subject: A tip for instant self esteem sometime after I wrote you, maybe immediately, I felt less discomfort in my body. Instead I had the deepest depression I've had in....... Lots of external 'nice' things happened they landed flat on me. I was locked in prison not caring, stuck as all get out. inertia. beating up on me I suppose, but by this time it was submerged. for some reason I went from rage to depression. It was very dark I was very stuck. It was only w/the light of this day that I'm beginning to sort out. else it's just one big mush of feelings all globbed together. I went to a spiritual reading last night, & felt worse. I could go to rage again, but It does seem at least so far that I still go from rage to depression-lots of internalized feelings. Now that I can see that I'm beating up on me, & being mean to myself I can redirect again. what the heck happened? I either feel rage or depression-nothing. what a mess.... right now I can say & picture hating them again. all of them back to working on it. Laura
Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Fri Mar 24, 2000 5:42am Subject: Re: uninspired > Dear Ellie, > I am fairly new to the redirecting process. I joined the list about a month ago, and have been trying to work on redirecting, but so far, it isn't going very well. I have become so expert at repressing anger, and most other feelings, that I don't even know how to take the initial steps toward getting angry, let alone knowing how to direct it and to whom. Whenever I begin to feel anger toward someone, I always try to stop the anger by trying to see the situation from the other person's point of view. This causes me to end up justifying their actions, which makes me feel guilty and flawed for even starting to feel angry and thinking I might have a right to feel that way. > > The methods I used to use for trying to release emotions and aggression were acting and creative writing. For most of my life, I wrote stories and plays, in which I created characters possessing characteristics of people I knew. I would usually insert a character meant to represent myself, and through this character I would express all of the thoughts and emotions that I couldn't express in real life. I also would create dialogues and scenarios that either resembled those that occurred previously in real life, or that I wished could occur, and would use this as my vehicle for saying what was on my mind. When I would act out these dialogues, it would create a more full and satisfying release than just having it on paper. However, about 2-3 years ago, I did a lot of writing within a short span of time. Since that time, I have not felt inspired to write, act, play music (I used to sing + play piano and organ), or exert energy into any form of creative expression at all. I just got burnt out on it, and felt like I said everything I needed to say. But the trouble is that since I've lost the will to express myself though writing, I have stopped expressing myself almost entirely. It was also around this time that I started to let others read my writing, and it made me feel too vulnerable - as though they could see into my soul. Trying to voice my feelings in actual conversations have too many limitations. The suppressed feelings instead take their form in muscle cramps in my neck, shoulders, and lower back. Similar to Andrew, I often don't even know the pain is there, because I've grown so accustomed to it. Sometimes I want to start writing again, as I know this is the best way I know how to express myself. But at this point, I can't even allow myself to feel the emotions I should be expressing, or to find the will to create the dialogues through which I should express them. I've been thinking that maybe writing isn't the way I should be expressing myself anymore...yet pounding on my bed and yelling still seems too out of character for someone as quiet as I am....Is there any happy medium? -Kerry Dear Kerry, You sound like me. I never could get angry. I didn't write but did take an acting class. Writing and acting are good ways to release the anger. But it is much faster to do the pounding on the bed technique and redirect to parents and all past abusers. It is not 'out of character' for you. The repressed anger is in there and wants out. Please study the article, and watch for the excitatory nervous symptoms. They are all triggers that the repressed anger wants out. Don't search for a happy medium, it won't make you happy :-) You wrote: 'how to direct it and to whom." How to do it is in the article. As for to whom, you might want to write a brief story of your childhood and your relationships with your parents and then with all other persons in your life who resembled your parents, so you will have a list of past abusers. When you have an excitatory symptom, like fear, guilt, etc (see the list), then pound on a bed and think about your parents and all past abusers. If not near a bed, and you have fear, or guilt or low self esteem try to say quietly in your mind things like 'Get out of my head' 'It's your fault I feel like a loser' "I hate you for not loving me" It's your fault I'm afraid" You will find ways to get the anger out. Ellie
I feel I've pretty moved out of that need to tangibly knock things around and rip things, thanks to the redirecting. Things ARE getting better, even though I still have some really bad moments of pain. > Love, Shirely
> This is the day I give up. I admit defeat. I quit my job this morning around 11:30, because I was shaking uncontrollably and my heart was beatin wildly when K. came in to work and my supervisor was having a happy, animated conversation with him. Everyone was having a wonderful time. When I come in every day I'm greeted with a stony silence by my super. She didn't respond to my "HI" this morning. I know it's DUMB, DUMB, DUMB, but I can't help it. It's just too painful. And I told her so. I said "I can't work here anymore. I'm an empath and I just feel too much hostility coming from you. It's just too painful." And I put my coat on real fast and rushed out, leaving my food in the fridge, which I have to go back and get later, because now I'll need every cent I can to survive, which I don't know how I'll do that, now that I don't have my amp and microphone so I can't fall back on playing music to make any money. This job was a gift from the universe, and I BLEW IT. I know there will never be another chance for me. My life is pretty much over and washed up. As a friend used to say, "going down the toilet." I've been trying to combine redirecting with positive visualization. Ha. You can see where that got me. I hate myself 20,000 times more. I was so depressed last night I didn't think I'd be able to get up this morning; in fact I had to go to work rather late because I couldn't get out of bed, I was so depressed. I totally loathe myself. I am a very, very, very, very sick person and I know I'm in BIG trouble. Guess I should just unsubscribe and get out of everyone's hair.
> I got a call later yesterday from my super-- who apparently didn't hear me saying I couldn't work there anymore-- and she called to say "Tomorrow we have to talk." After the interview. > Well, it went amazingly well (interview with super)! I was able to be honest about my feelings (and pretty calm ;-)), and my supervisor responded really well and really listened, and we clarified again my needs about the hearing problem. She really was VERY nice and was even very empathetic when I told her (with few details) about this healing phase I'm in and how I feel quite like an outsider at times or that people are ostracizing me. I think she really does understand such things better than I was giving her credit for. Maybe just hasn't been around it enough to know how to deal with it, but she certainly handled this with care and respect. I had dreaded the discussion, but it turned out great, and wasn't about firing me at all. I feel everything will be much better now. And also we established that if I start to feel really frustrated it's perfectly okay to go out for a walk or go take a half hour coffee break. And on my part, I made a commitment to try not to do the running out of the office freak-out routine. Found out the woman who moved her desk was moved by my boss for other reasons. Not to "get away from me." Ellie. you give us permission and knowledge to accomplish what we deserve. Love, Shirely The knowledge is not from me, but from the wisdom that has always been within us. Keep on redirecting...bosses are often parent substitutes.... Ellie Yüklə 5,47 Mb. Dostları ilə paylaş:
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