Corporate America

Have I lost faith in humanity?
Well, I might not be the only one. I was reading this morning on the Crime Library website that 2,300 persons disappear every day in the United States, the reports about missing persons is almost reaching 900,000 a year! A lot of those I would imagine are suicides and murders.
If Canada managed to lose almost one million of its fellow citizens every year, we would have disappeared from the face of the earth a long time ago. Is it not extraordinary that the United States over a period of 25 years, managed to lose as many people as there in Canada? This is not even found bodies of murders or suicides, this is just the missing persons. Should I check the stats for suicide and murders? Well, it looks like in the US there are about 30,000 suicides a year and 15,000 murders a year. Considering the missing persons statistics, I think we get a better idea of how many murders and suicide happen in this country every year, and how finally the police and society appear powerless to prevent somehow 1 million of its citizens to just disappear from the face of the Earth every year.
Damn, I almost became a statistics yesterday, one more on these lists. And if I had thrown myself in the Topanga Canyon State Park, they might have never found me.
16 April 2006
I am running out of options. I can’t go back to London because Stephen does not have a job. I can’t go back to my old job in London, because that will be the death of the conference company I want to start. I can’t remain in my actual job, I will either kill that bitch or throw myself in the canyon. I need another option.
At the end of the day on Friday at work, we were talking. The Admin Director mentioned that she was living in a house with 8 people, three of them are gays. One couple in particular is weird. One of the gay apparently suffers from agoraphobia, and she described what it meant. One day, her boyfriend understanding this, told him, you don’t work anymore, I’ll support you, you don’t have to get out of the house ever again. And since then, he barely goes out, and when he does, he is shaken, it makes him sick.
I thought, my God, that’s just it, I recognized all the symptoms. Perhaps I too suffer from agoraphobia. I can’t stand anyone, I hate it when people are looking at me, I’m not going anywhere even when I have a car here and I could go and explore. I am frustrated when I think I am alone, and there is someone there, always looking at me. And what could be worse for someone suffering from this, than being closed in a small office with 20 other people, half of them management, half of them spies reporting every single action to the bosses? And it was even worse in London, these packed trains these packed stations I could no longer stand, so many people on the sidewalk in Parliament Square, you need to push them out of the way to get anywhere.
And my question is, should I try to cure myself, be more outgoing, understand that I have as much right as anyone to exist, or should I instead retreat even more into my cocoon, find a way to isolate myself completely from this world until I deal only with a few people, no more than that, forever?
Just found a website, and it seems very complicated. Agoraphobia Without History of Panic Disorder, Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia; Social Phobia; Specific Phobia; Major Depressive Disorder; Delusional Disorder; Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder; Separation Anxiety Disorder; realistic concerns. It seems I am suffering from all of these together. Before I enter this territory, it might be easier just to continue to ignore that I might have some sort of mental illness. The idea of any sort of treatment, and what it would entail, I’m sure, could only make me worse and regret that we have identify that I have a problem.
Oh God, read a few more websites, I am definitely suffering from something. And I know how I got there. It is all written in this very book. All the symptoms are stated quite clearly. My sudden lack of confidence, being rejected many times when before I was so openly welcome everywhere. This impression that I have no right to be alive anymore, that I should not exist, because I’m not worth it from the judgment of others. Their looks, their judgment that I can’t stand. The panic I feel when I am with other people, not only authority figures, but everyone. Don’t want to take the train, don’t want to get out of the house. Feel trap in any close environment, being too far from any doors so I can escape every hour or so to be alone somewhere. The sheer panic on Sundays when I know I need to go back to work for a full week to be stuck in a small environment with all these people, feeling like a trapped rat. And what to say about my deep anxiety of going to a conference, filled with people, feeling so self conscious about myself, near collapsing all the time. And the only way I forget this nightmare, is by drinking myself to death every night, be a zombie the next day.
I am not willing to take any anti-depressants or any other medications unless I am dying on a bed, and then, I still want to know what they give me and reduce it considerably. I won’t find myself again in a situation like last year in that hospital, where they filled me with pills, different ones every day, and I got out of there with an overblown level of platelets for life, which might eventually kill me.
I am also not willing to be followed by so-called experts to go through some therapy to convince me that it is okay to suffer that fucking hell of a social life we have built for ourselves. In two words, I don’t want to be treated. So I better recognize my situation and deal with it on my own terms.
How funny, the last PC-Game I bought is called Journey at the Center of the Earth. Perhaps on an unconscious level, I thought I could be safe down there. Knowing myself, I’ll probably only play it in a few years time.
17 April 2006
This weekend I was glued to my bed reading Jen Jensen novel Dante’s Equation. And I sleep on and off all weekend. I had a car, I did not go anywhere, this is very sad. Today at work was okay, even if I was constantly thinking that I would have to tell my boss I stupidly did not go anywhere, and yet, I crunch the back bumper. I told them to take it from my salary, and I think my boss said it would be $300, the price of my plane ticket back home.
Going to LAX has been a nightmare. First the car was so dirty, just for remaining in the car park, that I had in a bonnet to find a car wash, an automatic one. But in L.A., it seems that the technology never reached them. I did not have the time the hand wash it! So after getting lost around Ventura Boulevard, I finally reached the 405 South to L.A. Airport.
But, I had to stop to put some petrol in the car, and there was a Mexican there telling me that I had a flat tire. That throw me into panic mode, my boss’ family was to arrive in 30 minutes, and I was still far from the airport. A dirty, a destroyed bumper, a flat tire, the windshield seem to have broken under a small rock (can’t remember if it was already there), and the flashing right light was no longer working. For God’s sake! I did not go anywhere! How can a Lexus costing $100,000 can break down like this? It is not like if we were in the North of Canada, where two winters is enough to destroy your car. This is L.A.!
So I looked at the tire, it just seemed to need some air, so I prayed that was it. Then I got unto the road, and all the way to the airport they had scratched the asphalt in order to eventually put some new one. And the whole time I could not tell if I had a flat or not, the car was shaking like crazy. I was convinced I had a flat.
And then, finally at the airport, I got lost! I could not find my way! The plane had already landed, I was in panic mode, I did not know where to go, and there was no sign anywhere after the first one out of the 405. It seems Mexicana Airline does not land anywhere at LAX. When I finally parked the car and rushed to the arrivals, one minute later they came out. My only bit of luck for the last 7 days. And oh, it does not appear I had a flat after all. Anyway, finally, I survived that terrible episode of the bosses going on holiday to Mexico. And they said, if you plan a holiday, don’t go to Cancun. They had everything stolen. So they had a hell of a holiday!
I was also able to keep my mouth shut about anything that happened at work. I simply said that everything was fine, since we were all still alive. They laughed at that, they will never know what I really meant.
I did not tell them for example that every single employee has shown openly that they were thrill that they were gone for a week, and even more so once they found out that today I was picking them up late, so that meant another Monday without them.
To be honest, I prefer when they are there, since I think they can see that I am working, contrary to the Chinese Girl and the Director. Which I am sure they will have a lot to report against me tomorrow. I will be the only one they will slash, since I am the only one they’re not in love with, and I am the only who seems to be taking forever to get that nuclear conference anywhere. Of course, I work alone on it, on top of the two others. I think I understood today that all four of them are working on all the other events. No wonder they get these events done fast.
And there is something else that is really getting on my nerves now. The Spanish Boy has a friend or perhaps two in some studios in Hollywood, and he is always invited everywhere, to meet the celebrities, etc. And now it seems it is taking over his whole life, and he can’t stop talking about anything else all day long.
And perhaps the Chinese Girl is more plastic than I thought, she’s is certainly getting into his stories, and today they spoke all day! After all I have to do, I had to listen to them gossiping about Drew Barrymore all day, and how was her birthday party. If I did not want to commit suicide before, now I certainly do.
What sort of personality by-pass do you need to be able to be impressed and obsessed with meeting a few celebrities, going to a few parties, etc., and in the same wave, impress your envious friends and render your colleagues jealous at work? They are so sad, it is unbelievable. If tomorrow it continues, I think I will have to tell him to shut up, that I don’t give a shit that he knows Drew Barrymore, unless she was to turn lesbian.
It pays to still be cute at 28, I have to say. I would not be surprised if he ends up in one of her films. That would kill me for real…
18 April 2006
Should we see just how shallow is our little Spanish Boy? I never told him anything me because I am not the kind to want to make friends on the basis of what I have accomplished. It is also very sad when you meet someone telling you everything they have been in, what they worked on, etc. It is also clear that as the boring person he imagined me to be, he has never wanted to be my friend, in fact, I was stealing the show from him a bit too much when we were in the other room, he was no longer the cute and trendy boy, he was sharing the stage. I since shut up completely at work, so now he is center stage again.
So, I decided to test him. He asked today, he was wondering if I had been working in films and TV, and I told him what I worked on, NBC, PBS, etc. Did not have the chance to go into details, my bosses can hear from their office. I’ll have a chance in Salt Lake City next month, I can even show him my stuff. If he now wants to be my friend, I would have proved my point, how shallow these people can be, and obviously, they are not worth becoming my friends. For his credit, he did yesterday invited me to a concert, friends of his, again, I guess he can also feed on me, the insignificant one, being impressed because he has musician friends. How boring. What is this? Some sort of Ego and pretension not for his own accomplishments, but because of some weird connections with other successful ones?
I spoke with Isabella tonight. We were discussing how my bosses and their family, were just the perfect little family. The kind of perfection that is untenable, and at some point you feel like shooting that this cannot be real, there must be a catch, and behind closed doors, it must be hell, or else, one day it will just explode.
They are Jewish, modern Jewish, modern in the sense that if I had not been told, I would still not know they were Jewish. So I guess this does not play in anything about them, either how they conduct their business or how they interact with their family.
Perfect in the sense that they are all so quiet, I would never imagine them to beat up or even speak aloud to their kids. The results are astonishing. I believe their kids to be some sort of zombies, without any energy or life within. And that is what we were discussing tonight. A 5 year old kid which appear more mature than any of us at work, for a start. Two daughters who are so shy, and so silent, you feel like shaking them hard to wake them up. I wonder how they would cope with moving countries on they’re own, like Isabella and I did.
One of the daughters was pushed into architecture, but she wanted it, and so now she has been able to make them understand that she will not become an architect. I think there was no need for a crisis, the deception and disappointment we could all read on the face of my bosses, must have been enough to destroy the poor girl.
Still, though no one can predict what their children will become later in life, despite their lack of enthusiasm, or even blood going through their veins, I cannot say that this is not desirable. If I had children, I wish I could be like that, even if my kids would become zombies in the process.
Of course, it is not the same for Isabella, she was beaten up when she was young, just like me, and she does shout at her kid, and perhaps slap him sometimes. She was telling me that she had to be so careful when she takes care of their son, because though she will shout at her kid, she will never shout at theirs. And she told me that the 5 year old was already quite the spy, and was reporting everything he sees and hear. Maybe he will join Mossad one day, the Israel Secret Services. I don’t think they have any connection with Israel, however my boss mentioned it once, so they must still identify with it.
I think the holocaust must have been mentioned recently, because people were talking about it at work, ah yes, a documentary on TV. And stupidly I felt the need to mention: did they talk about the 800,000 gay people who accompanied these Jews in those camps? And as if it was enough, I added: funny how any Jewish person can completely identify with the holocaust, when I, in the same situation, don’t.
I have as much right to feel bad about the holocaust as any Jewish person out there. I’m sure it never occurred to them. They are still fighting about it, claiming that the number of gay people killed in the holocaust was much less than the real numbers. Funny, the number of Jewish people killed during that period is also being debated, and on that point, they will certainly not budge, it is 6 millions that we need to talk about. Well, the best estimates for gay people killed because of the Nazis, or people they thought were gay, recent studies states, might be as many as 800,000. Anyone wants to start a debate? Or open a museum about it? Do we have any photos that survived that era? It might help me get more sensitive and feel something about it. After all, if it means just a big deal to the Jewish community, surely it should be the same in the gay communities? Or has AIDS made us forget all about the holocaust?
Weird, I still cannot identify with those gay people who died during the war… why? In Europe during the Second World War, you would die just because you were a Jew, gay, Gypsy, different or even disabled, or judged of an inferior race or subhuman. There is a whole list of groups of people who died during the holocaust.
Maybe we should try to build a great community together, and fight the actual prejudices together, but I can’t see that happening any time soon. The truth is, Orthodox Jews might still want to eradicate every gay from the planet, makes it harder for me to be sensible to their cause. It was all over the newspapers when I was living in Ottawa, and it angered me… well, I should just shut up I guess. Before I start another war I cannot win.
Talking about the Jewish people might still be a big taboo these days, but not to talk against the gays, apparently. And I would not have it any other way. I like to be able to spit on Roman Catholics, being a Catholic myself, without fearing for my life or being shut out of society. It is democracy to be able to say whatever we want, as long as there is a right to answer back.
So spit on me, I don’t care, I have an army of gay people who will come to my defense and create a new debate, the same one that is as old as this universe. Taboo are not healthy for a democratic society, we should be able to talk about whatever we want without fearing for the consequences. Not that I have anything negative to say about anyone, still, if I had, I would hope I could say it without bringing a Jihad on me. Oh, I’m opening a totally new can of worms here. I guess I will shut up and pretend that I love everyone, even the ones who want openly my destruction.
I was thinking tonight about something, how I am still learning a great deal at work, even though it has been more than six months already. Until my first conference is completely over, in three weeks time, I still have not gone through the whole process of the whole admin and bureaucracy side of it. I’m still doing things now that I had never done in my 10 years, and I have to admit, that Chinese Girl is damn efficient and brilliant at her job. No wonder she has no patience with anyone, she must be an underused genius, screaming to get out. I can at least admit it when I see it, that girl might be more intelligent than I. And coming from me, this is quite a statement. Unfortunately for her, it is going to be most likely lost forever, wasted in producing insignificant conferences for others.
I almost did not get to do all these things, learn all that side of it. Without the restructure, someone else would have done the admin. If Stephen had not lost his job, I would have left in two weeks time, and never got to know what we have to do to prepare for the event, during, and after. Let’s just say that everywhere else I worked, it was much simpler, or I was unaware of what others did in the background. Now, I have to do everything myself, from beginning to end, and fate or destiny has made sure I would be there long enough to understand and assimilate it all.
And yet, I’m still praying that something else will happen in my life, just in time to prevent me from having to start my own conference business. Anything, suddenly one of my books getting published with great success, or an invitation to work on the next big project, selling a film script, whatever, anything but conferences. And yet, when we read the last two books I have written about my life, it seems clear to me that destiny is quickly pushing me towards starting my own company. What else would have been obliged against my will to study everything that needs to be done up to the very last detail, even negotiating tactics with hotels and sponsors. Maybe within a few years the wheel will work so well, I might be able to let it run by itself without having to work so much myself in my own company, maybe this is what will finally give me the time I need to write my next best-seller. Hell, I might even publish it myself, I intend my company to publish books as well, about the subjects of the events. Which reminds me, perhaps I should only produce conferences on topics which are closed to my heart. Today I was considering having my first one about aluminum. Obviously the most boring subject on the planet, and I would only do it in the name of making money. I’m not so sure tonight if it is destiny’s plan to push me towards the most boring topics there are. Maybe the high end of the technology world might be better, as long as it has some commercial prospects. Already this is more interesting, getting closer to science fiction. Will see. Now I need to go to bed.
19 April 2006
This morning my boss asked by email to go and ask for a quote to get the car fixed. While I was waiting stupidly, thinking it might cost a $100, maybe $300 if I am very unlucky, it came to $500, and the guy said, if it had a Toyota, it could have cost $5,000. I thought, how typical. And when I got back, there was a huge accident just in front of where I work, and everyone was talking about it, like there were some people dead or something. Did I not learn my lesson enough, that destiny felt like showing me another great accident to remind me and everyone of that small shitty little pole placed at the wrong place? TO make a big deal out of nothing? A nothing that will make it impossible for me to survive next month, if they take it out of my salary, and I’m pretty sure they will. Everyone pays through the nose for car insurance, and when we need them, for some weird reason, we do everything we can to avoid them paying for the damages. Because we know the game, our premium goes through the roof after that for life, and we end up paying ten times more insurance than the little accident really costs.
And about those poles, I have learnt from the body car shop that it is the law to place these poles everywhere, which damages many cars every week, for our security he says. That’s just great! If they ask me to pay the damages, that will be one more argument in their mind about the why I decided to leave this damn place.
And my boss’ wife, came to me again trying to get me to buy the car of her parents, for just $6,000! I can’t even survive until the end of the month, on a salary of $60,000 a year. I can’t even get any credit anywhere in any country, being an eternal immigrant, barely legal as it is, I might as well be a criminal.
The hardest in this job, is to face my bosses. It can freeze me completely and everything I say to them, I live to regret it the very night and the next day. This uncomfortable feeling, I’m not the only one facing it, they can barely look me in the eyes, I freeze them too. I really have a problem with authority, I would be quite happy just to avoid it altogether forever. Must be due to my new found mental illness, I can blame everything on it now, even if I don’t believe it to be that serious a problem. But considering how I can worry myself to death out of nothing, it could become very serious indeed. One day I’ll just snap and walk out of my life just like that, never to come back to the surface. I’ll shut myself out from society as if it never existed in the first place. I will refuse any contact with anyone, and if they have to be facing me at some point or another, I’ll pretend I can’t hear or see them. I’ll never talk to anyone again, and let’s see if I can find a way out, a way to isolate myself completely, or if they’ll find one for me, put me in some sort of institution or something. I’m completely alienated by this civilization, after being so outgoing everywhere on this planet, and met so many damn people everyday. I had many jobs working in cafeterias and airports, where I have calculated interacting with up to 3000 people a day. And the next day, sometimes dealing with those same people again, and incapable of even remembering serving them the day before, or every day of the year for that matter. Frightening for someone like me, who at the first sight of saying stupidities, will end up worrying to death about those said stupidities. And the higher in the hierarchy the people I am dealing with, the more so-called important those people are, the crazier I become, the more unable I can sustain these conversations and meetings, and whatever. I don’t think I am cut up for a kind of life in Hollywood, dealing with the most recognized people on the planet. There’s a danger I could just become a mute if I can’t get used to it. And yet, I have taken the time to write to a few known people recently, just to talk about whatever, not expecting anything, worrying the next day once I am no longer under the influence of alcohol, about what I said in there. I’m also a masochist as it appears. There’s no hope for me. Thank god none of them answered back, if they read it at all. Every time I deal with known people, or people I admire, I might not freeze on the spot, but I certainly do afterwards. As if I only wanted to not exist, that any of these people never even knew I was also on this planet and had any rights to it. Which is a bit strange, considering that I have written so many books and that I splash it all on not one, but four websites, which are also, oh misery, quite popular with their million visitors a year. Scary. I guess I live in the thought that perhaps all of them end there by mistake, doing a search on some weird topic, and then leave immediately without even reading anything, not even my name. That’s almost what I’m hoping for, but it is probably not the case, or is it? I would not need much to decide to delete my websites, I guess I’ve been lucky so far that I did not come across a few bad apples, or a few attacks from anyone. You need a lot of confidence and guts to have an opinion about everything, and tell it to the world out there, open yourself to criticism. Qualities that I have less and less with every passing year. I would not mind sometimes disappearing from the face of the Earth, and then let go of everything I have written for anyone to do as they please with it, once I’m dead. A few more years in this world, interacting with people, and I think I will reach absolute insanity. And no one, not even me, will have an answer to this problem, will be able to explain why. If I can’t really die, if I can’t isolate myself somewhere, and live completely alone, then maybe there are other ways to shut myself down from everyone. I feel I deserve it, after dealing with half the planet about any old crap they’re capable of inventing to make my life such a misery. I’m that closed to full nervous breakdown. What a sad world this is…