Corporate America

All my books have brought a message of doom, the dark side of this planet, the hell we’ve built for ourselves. It is a message of despair, a cry to escape an unbearable reality. This is the only way it could be interpreted, however I no longer think so. I realized only recently that what I have actually been trying to do, is to show the world for what it is, in the hope to make us all aware of the situation, so we could wake up the next day and built a world which could be the total opposite.
Changing our priorities, believing that we can really achieve what it is that we tried to convince ourselves we had. No more propaganda, no more empty messages of love and help, but actually acting upon it, changing our attitudes towards life and others, building happiness at every level, saving this world from its path to competition, alienation and annihilation.
My message was one of love and hope, and I’m sorry I’ve been unable to make it clearer. It might all change, I’ve been thinking about it for a year now, I can radically change my discourse, my books, and bring a concrete message of love and altruism. Without the emptiness of these words we are using everyday that have become meaningless. Like Jesus Christ’s message of love, that no one appears to have understood, being driven still by power and ambition. His message, as I understand it, has become one of war and death, and will be so for as long as religion will be used to control the masses, in the hands of unscrupulous people with different agendas which have nothing to do with love and helping each other.
Every song, every film, is about love. And yet, I have never felt it myself. How do you explain that? All I see is hypocrisy, people who always have some ulterior motive, some hidden interests, and they so quickly turn against you at the first opportunity, than you cannot deny that there was no love to begin with.
How could I myself love these people who hate me? How could I change my small universe, the people I live with, to bring this love and happiness into our lives without resorting to anything external, like religion or some other spiritual philosophy or entity? The wisdom, that wisdom, this understanding that something needs to be done, to accept things and people as they really are, and understand and forgive their shortcomings. I have worked towards this all my life, I am more morale and ethical than most, even though you would have a hard time believing this reading my books. This is just to show you how little you know about me.
I have often pretended to be this or that, just to make a point and show who the people I am dealing with are. When I talked of revenge, I never did get my revenge, I never wanted to, I still wrote it, pretending, to teach how these people think and act. I am no anarchist, I do not wish to destroy this planet or kill anyone. I don’t think anyone deserves the title of Master Bitch, and most of what I describe has been blown out of proportions and over amplified in order to see more clearly what’s going on.
How could anyone be as extreme as I described myself to be? How could anyone really believe that what I wrote, I think it? It is laughable to me, however, when people don’t know you personally, they have no idea that you are playing a role, that this is just a book, literature, nothing more. It is fun, but it has a purpose, the message in the end is important, there is something that I am saying, and hopefully it has thrown some people into thinking mode.
I don’t really think a whole lot if not most of what I have written in my life. I have to admit that I have been trying to manipulate you all. To show you such an extreme of where your philosophies were leading, that you would be disgusted, attack me, and then start a debate to change things.
I certainly want peace, I want people to be nicer to everyone, I want them to genuinely love everyone, so we can make this life a little bit more bearable. In real life, outside my books, people around me know I am one of the most honest person there is, they usually get to like me in time, to appreciate me. They know I am a genuine person, morale and ethical to the extreme. Sometimes it takes a while for them to move beyond their own prejudices to finally see it. Often it is quick, they can see through me, they understand that I am nice and correct and would never backstab them.
This style I have, becomes clearer in my last book called Los Angeles, California. In there I pretend to be the big almighty American Corporation, and even some sort of high authority in the US government. Where I state that I will buy you to shut you up, or that money is everything, Private Equity is our new religion, and finally that one billion deaths is not enough for me, because if I get a dollar for each deaths, I would still not be rich enough. It is clear there that this is some sort of reverse psychology. And for the first time ever, I am telling you that almost everything I have written is the same, filled with irony. I am not and will never be that monstrous character I describe I am. It was a dangerous game to play, almost pretend that I am an extremist, if not a terrorist, just because I wanted to make a point, make you understand something, scandalize you so you would react, wake up, and act consequently. It is not easy to get your attention, with the only means at my disposal. Not sure if it worked. Ultimately you might just see me as a threat which needs to be eliminated. Will not see the irony of it all, ignore the message or the emotional response you might have got reading it. And it does not matter to me either way. My point will have been made, about how ridiculous this all is.
I help my enemies, I acknowledge their aptitudes, I do not betray them, I don’t even really lie to anyone. I try anyway, and most of the time I can live by my rules, even if sometimes I deviate. At heart I am an honest person and I never wished to cause pain on anyone. And perhaps this is why I have such difficulty integrating into society, which is at the other end of that spectrum. I love and understand people, even when they hate me and work hard at destroying me or my career. I do not judge them on that, I know this is just human nature, and I’ve been there, even if I never acted upon it like they did.
They are only trying to survive, the only way they know how, with the same weapons that are used against them on a daily basis. They see this world as a jungle filled with wild animals, and to survive, you need to fight your way through, you need to eliminate others to get their place. And for me this soul destroying game has never been appealing. I which things were different, I wish I could help change this world, I feel powerless.
Wow, I feel I wrote something huge tonight. Perhaps the most important text I have ever written, to shed some lights on all the books I have written so far. Hopefully it might help explain a lot of the irrationality and absurdity you’ve been reading, if you had the courage to finish reading any of my books. As many were design to make you feel something deep, and this is hard for anyone to go through, especially when it is something that we have always been trying to ignore. How unhappy we all are. How difficult this life is. How these interactions with other human beings are disheartening. And what we could do to change it, and that perhaps we are no that powerless after all.
I now have a new mission, bring across a clearer message of love, altruism, peace and hope. Not sure how I will go about it, but I believe it will have to be done mostly through fictional books and film scripts. And hence, I would need the time, not sure where I will find it in between my day to day job and the complications of my existence and survival. I have to succeed somehow, and it might be easier to get my message across than using this reverse psychology way I’ve been using so far. I will alienate all my fans in the process, they will think I am a changed person, that I’ve been touched by the hand of God, when in fact I am not, they just misread everything and missed the irony. Even though a more careful reading, through all the contradictions, will clearly show the sarcasm, as I don’t always pretend, sometimes and often I am genuine. Which is which, that is the irony.
9 May 2006
The long big day is finally over. Everyone is pleased, over the moon, complete success. Down to the cocktail party afterwards. I’m back to my room, the Spanish Boy decided to flush me tonight, he’s going to take it easy in his room. He ordered some food, he’s going to watch a movie. Perfect. Cos tonight I felt like drinking and celebrate on my own, in my own little lair here at the Radisson Hotel in Salt Lake City. I have four glasses wine all lined up beside me, two packs of cigarettes (ultra light) and God only knows what’s going to happen tonight in front of my portable computer screen. I have already plugged myself into some music DVDs I brought with me, right now is the Greatest Hits of the Blur. Later it might be some Nine Inch Nails with Teeth, and perhaps some Smashing Pumpkins 1991-2001. The advantage of being a child of the 80’s, is that the music you like, these bands now have greatest hits out there on DVDs. That’s nice. Though I was also a child of the 90’s, as you can see. And my bands are far from being dead, there still out there producing stuff, including Smashing Pumpkins who’s preparing a comeback. I have my videos playing in a corner of my screen, while I am writing in the other corner. That’s what’s called having a life, I think. Playing the business man all day long, and then at night, jumped into drugs and clubs. I’m only joking. I meant to say, jump into videos and alcohol. As the guy told me at Tower Records, when I spent my last pennies on these CDs, you’ve got to have your music. And I agree, tonight anyway, cos I deeply need to decompress. Especially that the Spanish Boy has spent the day insulting me and being so rude to me. Always half jokingly, and yet, it reaches home, these are real insults and it is being rude. Thankfully I did not react, I did not respond, I changed the subject every time.
That conference was about power supply in the west. These people have been talking all day today, yesterday and tomorrow. They’re still at it. God knows what they’re talking about, going nuclear perhaps. It would solve their problems, I guess. Yeah! I’m drunk enough to play with you again tonight, let’s go nuclear, after producing three conferences on the subject, I’m telling you, it’s the only viable solutions, the most cost effective, the cleanest of all powers, funny enough. That’s what they’re trying to convince us of, and I ended up believing it. Since I don’t care anyway, it was not hard to convince me. Let’s go nuclear!
Compared with the future options we will come up with, Nuclear might actually be the least dangerous of all. Hard to destroy the whole planet with nuclear, an accident is still quite localized, as Chernobyl proved. Any future solution might actually be something much more dangerous, infinite amount of energy, an accident could perhaps destroy the whole universe, and I doubt the governments will stop at that slight possibility that it could happen (and most certainly will).
Beurk, that red wine is disgusting. Can’t believe we served that to our delegates. I thought I read it was Merlot from California, how can it be disgusting? How did they fine the worst seller out there just to save a few dollars? I guess they’re like us, on anything we can save on, we will certainly choose that option. Another thing I don’t want to do in my own conference company.
And that is what I felt like today. Like if this was my own event, getting all the glory for myself, being congratulated and all, and in the end, that was not mine, I have not even wrote the program, which is certainly new for me. I imagined it was all mine, and it gave me a buzz. I need to do this, I need to succeed, I need to produce my own conferences. I think it will be quite fulfilling, might give me a reason to live, and everyone knows by now how desperate I am for just that, finding any reason to exist, so badly that I was ready to sign as a Mormon. That says it all, isn’t it? Ready and willing to turn straight in the process, so I can marry that nice little girl from Utah I met the other day while visiting the Temple. So desperate for a husband to marry within months, and certainly not willing to have sex very often, perhaps once every nine months, every time the prophet tells her it is time to have another baby. Great, I always wanted to have a big family, without having sex with a woman more than it is strictly necessary. Where do I sign on? I want my Mormon wife right now! One from Utah, as she looked so peaceful and happy, without the use of drugs, even better.
I think I should get back to telecommunications, that’s what was big ten years ago, this is where the money was in conferences, that’s where I need to specialize myself in. No SDH and DWDM networks this time, I’ll have to do some market research to find out what it should all be about. And I might even get into areas that the main big conference company out there is doing. So in the end, I might not even be a competitor to them. Lot’s of market research indeed will be necessary. Funny I avoided the subject while thinking about which area I should move into. Telecoms is the only choice really considering my experience and what I know about it. The speakers haven’t even change in ten years, they will remember me, I’m sure. Telecoms it is, then. And I also want to move into something that actually interests me, any kind of commercial technology out there, as I am such an addict for any sci-fi technology, futuristic things, I’m always the first in line to buy into it. Let’s just move beyond bad technology like Blue Tooth, I invented Wi-Fi, let’s continue in that path, I know everyone already. That sounds like a plan. I’ll get myself somewhere, I’ll be rich within years, and tehn retire very early, after selling my company to my main competitor, for a few millions of course. At that point, the main topic of negotiation will be the size of my database, so I guess this is where I need to invest.
I can’t believe I’m drunk, and what I’m talking about is business. Need to get cured of that. But hey, when you are at a successful conference that you did from A to Z, what am I supposed to think about? Jesus-Christ perhaps? No way.
Which reminds me, there is something quite wild I wanted to say yesterday, that I only thought about once I turned off the computer. My big message of love, really, is really synonym with Jesus-Christ and the New Testament. I hate to say this, I don’t want to say it, but hey, I have to admit that it could not be better. I don’t know if there is a God or not, I don’t know if Jesus-Christ was the son of God or not, hell, I don’t even know of the man actually existed. Yet, nothing more than the New Testament needs to be mentioned when you want to input some great values into people. Just wish it could be disconnected from any Church, any

religion, anything. Don’t care if it was written a thousand years after his death, don’t care if Churches have re-written the whole lot, it is still a great message of peace and love. But I know too well that with it, we can only bring destruction, wars, alienation and everything. So in the end, Jesus-Christ will have to be forgotten. I’ll need to find another way to bring in people the same feelings and desire to make this world a better one.

And on this note, I need to get a good wank, because I still all alone here in Utah, and quite desperate for any sort of affection. Must be human nature, and I can’t help it. I want and need affection, love, sex. And I’m always all alone, by choice of course, but that means wanking, otherwise I just go crazy. Human nature again, animal instincts, very sad indeed. I haven’t learned yet how to sublimate all this via high-tech new age spirituality stuff. My most basic instincts still need to be satisfied if I wish to function even at 10% in society. I’m looking for solutions, I might even organize a conference on the subject. It would be wild, new, original. A conference that only me could organized, and I bet it would be the most successful ever. Just have to invite few religious people and porn film producers, and watch the end of the world happening before my eyes. Judgment day and all. Wonderful. I might have to lie to them, pretend that they will only meet people like them at that conference, that would be easy enough, let them discover on the day that I invited also their worst enemies. That would be great, I might just do that. I wonder how conferences about the porn industry might do, God knows, I might make a fortune there. I work in Los Angeles right where al the porn industry sits. Logical that I should organized conferences on the subject, could make a fortune. Every single desperate actor might want to come, to meet any producer at all, capable of bringing them into the next century. Let’s exploit them all, my motto. I would be rich in no time, and that’s the point of it all, isn’t it? Don’t even need to start my own porn film production company, conferences on the subject would keep my conscience clear, and I will simply cash in on what seems like business as usual. Sex is the richest industry of all, I’ve got nothing to lose, no reputation to speak of, why not? Oh, I feel it coming, that’s exactly what I’ll do. I can see it from here, the porn film award of the year, the best porn product of the year award, your chance to make a fortune in the porn industry. That’s it, that’s enough, that’s exactly what I’ll do. Conferences on the most taboo subjects ever, no competitor to speak of, I’ll be twice millionaire within months. I’ve got nothing to lose, everything to gain. Sex, my new motto. There’s no limit, just watch me go and make my millions. I’ll have my conferences in the very building I’m working in, there is after all an agency for porn actors right under my roof. But let’s make it better, I’ll have it in Santa Barbara, right next to George Michael and Michael Jackson. I saw there the most paradisiacal conference center. Not sure how long it will take me to start a UK business capable of producing conferences in California, but I’m about to find out.
I guess that with a name like The Marginal, I have to live up to my name. Porn, suicide, religion, wars, homosexuality, all those subjects that commercial conference companies avoid completely, leaving a complete free from all market, just for me. That’s what I call innovation, originality, just watch me go, I’ll make it all come true. I’m very excited right now, about money, not sex, unfortunately, but today it is the business man talking. After a fucking boring day talking about Power in America, I guess it was to be expected that I would get wild. Need to escape reality by any mean possible. I’ve got to get to work, the world will never know what hits it.
I may be drunk, but that is the wisest decision I have ever made in my entire life. I might be completely off my mind, and yet, once I get back to Earth, I’ll know and recognize just how wise this is. This is so anarchist, this is so wild, I’ll make it come true, just for the irony of it all. Pay back time for all that suffering, conferences spent with either telecoms or energy people, can’t think of anything more boring. Oh! If only they know how much I really care about these conferences, they would never attend again. Who cares about going nuclear? Not me. Let’s blow up this planet, that’s all I ever asked. Let’s make it happen for once. Right now. Yeah!
That’s it, it is settled. I’ll organize conference on the most taboo subjects. I’m about ready to rewrite my Business Plan. The Marginal Production companies, producing conferences on the most taboo subjects, because this is serious, these topics need to be debated and talked about. I can ready the titles from here: The End of Organized Churches and Religions, Nuclear Bombs, The Sex Industry Summit, How to avoid Political Suicide, that kind of thing. The conference you would not dare to be seen at, but that you would definitely buy the ensuing DVD of the whole thing. My faith has been sealed tonight, that’s what I’ll do. Wildest titles around, it’ll be such a success, you would not believe it. Within a few years I’ll sell the whole thing and retire, and then I will write and read all day long, on the subject that really matter to me. Philosophy, Theoretical Physics, Science Fiction. Oh dear, never been so ready to work on something, to make it all come true. Let’s exploit them all, the ones exploiting you, and that will be another way to control them all, to achieve some results. Just watch me.
10 May 2006
I am now in the plane, n my way back to L.A. Gosh, it was really about time, I can no longer endure this pretentious little Mexican Boy who believes he is the coolest guy on the planet, for whatever reason he may have that I cannot actually see. To be cool these days, do you simply have to wear a weird jacket (that I thought he found in his grandfather closet as he did not have the money to buy one), wear a stupid hat, tell jokes, think you’re funny, states to everyone that you are cool, and then that’s it? Stupid people believe it and kiss your boots?
It is one thing to have to put up with cool people, it is another to have to suffer self-made cool people who are not. Especially when they have been able to convince a few stupid actresses or whatever that the was cool.
That cunt has spent the last four days insulting me, ignoring me, being in a fucking bad mood, treating me like shit, and making it clear he never wanted to be with me in the first place. And I really had enough this morning g when he arrived completely out of his mind and freaking out because I don’t always understand what he says and he has to repeat it. Is it my fault if he mumbles his words and I can’t understand? I told him to not speak to me and that we might survive. And I spent many hours talking to delegates (can you imagine), in order to avoid talking to him at the desk. Never in my entire career in conferences have I actually enjoyed speaking for over 20 minutes to any delegate. He told me that he viewed me as the fat Jewish boy in the office, the big reject guy without any personality whatsoever. I wonder if there could have been a bigger insult he could have told me. Less than five years ago, I was twice better looking than him, I as ten times cooler than him, and I certainly had something to back it up. His coolness his inexistent. He has no personality, he has not achieved anything, he is a simple assistant in a conference job, he is so pretentious, it is ridiculous, and he cannot justify any of this. This is like the most fake person I have ever met, superficial to the max, and a the end of the day, he is just a Mexican Boy, there are two dozens of them at each corner in L.A. hoping to get a job for the day, paid $10. And that is probably why he has become such an overbearing person, who had to fight those prejudices people have against his culture, that he has to prove himself to be like a Hollywood star instead of the buss boy, the Gardner or the toilet cleaner. I can understand that if you have the intelligence to stdy in college, and somehow got the chance, and that you are from a society that is perceived as scum, you would try to develop yourself some sort of special personality, convince yourself and others that you are cool and better than others. But what I cannot understand or accept, is that in the process he has become some sort of intolerant bastard, and somehow this come from his rejection of all that he is, and now he also rejects anything or anyone he does not feel are cool enough for him. And it hurts, and I don’t like it, and now I can’t stand the guy. I don’t want to have anything to do with him anymore, seeing his face is painful. As it has been a while since someone was able to be so rude and disrespectful to me and get away with it. I liked the guy before, which explains why I let him get away with it, but no longer. With any luck I won’t have much to do with him in the office and I will be out of there quick enough that this will not become a problem. But what am I talking about, he has most likely already destroyed me completely at work. And tomorrow I will find out. He has spent four days on his computer talking all day long with everyone in the office (not working either). I am under no illusion that went for maximum impact. Not realizing that I have much worse to report about him to any of them. I wish I would not need to even consider reporting him, I don’t really want to destroy him as anyway it won’t serve much purpose, we would both be in trouble and then we certainly never will speak again in this office. It would be pure revenge, even if it would satisfy my sense of justice. I wish I could have told him that I had worse to report than he had, and so he should keep his mouth shut, however it would have a threat or some sort of blackmail. Just have to hope he realizes this, but too often this kind of person, even though intelligent, thinks they can get away with murder without any consequences. Is it a lack of intelligence or experience? He had two jobs in his life, even though he is 29 years old. The first one was a cozy one at the university inputting data into a computer, so no real work there. And he never lived outside the San Fernando Valley where he was born. So perhaps he knows nothing yet of the corporate world and how quickly the axe can turn around to come and destroy you once you attack someone else with impunity and without justification. The next couple of days are going to be difficult. I will be tested on what I was saying a few days ago, that I usually did not go for revenge. I usually don’t, but not always, and I have to say, I’m always very tempted. He will definitely be hit anyway in my defense, because there are certain things I will have to say that not only no one told me, but he was doing it. So how or why should have thought I was not allowed to do it? I still have to defend myself, and if they freak out for example because I had my portable computer there, I will have to tell them that the Spanish Boy had his as well and did not tell me I was not allowed. And that’s not revenge, it is just that I need to prepare my defense. And I’m pretty much ok right now, I think I can survive this attack.
Finally home. My bag had not been retrieved that he was already gone, right after he retrieved his bag. He was so afraid I would ask him to drop me somewhere, and I did ask, I thought he would, but he insisted that I took a taxi for $100. I had already cancelled my ride, Leonardo, and finally I took a Shuttle for $45. I was in such a mood, that a nice young woman (who was actually coming to L.A. to speak at a conference, dear me), made a joke that I misinterpreted and I told her bluntly that I was in a bad mood. The five people in the Shuttle froze in astonishment, what an ambassador for Québec I must be, thankfully they all think I am French, and they already know French are rude by nature. So that’s OK. I regretted badly, I wanted to take it back, say I was sorry, I was unable to. And this how not being nice to someone, hit the rest of the planet in the Chaos Theory.
I can’t believe I was all excited, going to Salt Lake City with Alfredo instead of, who knows, the Valley Girl or the Chinese Girl. If only they had sent the Sweet Chinese Girl instead, this trip would have been a success. As it stands, despite the success of the conference, I had no choice but be a failure, and tomorrow, once again, I will go to work and face the music. And I will try not to mention anything negative about the Spanish Boy. Nothing. And if necessary, if he backstabbed me completely, I’ll make a point to let him know that I could have easily backstabbed him back, but I chose not to. That is no my new mission for tomorrow, trying to build a better world according to my own rules. For the computer, I won’t say he had his, I will just say that no one told me I was not allowed to have it on site.
My God, I just came back to L.A., and the whole CNN crew is in Salt Lake City, the Mormons have been all over the news for the past few days, though I could never have told from when I was there. It is more about the polygamists, not exactly connected to the Temple in Salt Lake City. But certainly connected to Salt Lake City. Oh well, I don’t have the courage to get into that now. Let’s leave the Mormons to their problems, their legacy. At the moment on Larry King, the daughter of Dick Cheney being a Lesbian, hopefully she will end up being President of the U.S.A. one day.
11 May 2006
There you go, more petty things, for a petty world.
It took less than an hour for the Spanish Boy to jump on the Valley Girl and tell her everything that I had said and that happened, and for her to jump in the boss office to tell them all. Both my bosses came to me, and asked me how it went, and the wife said: is that all? You maintain that everything went well?
I’m not sure what he told them, I’m not sure what I supposed to admit there, so I’m in the dark. Something is coming, a meeting perhaps, where they will hit me with something. I can’t think what, though I though initially that since there was not much to report, and I could be wrong here since I don’t know what he told them, I thought that his attack went into another front.
I think he told them all that I said that we needed to get back and say that everything went fine, whatever happened. Believe me, this could look worse than if something went wrong. It makes me look like I’m lying, not honest, and therefore a very bad employee indeed.
I am powerless to stop it all, I should have known that he would report everything one way or another, so why did I even tried to make him understand what 10 years in this business as taught me? The coolest guy alive just shown this morning how small a man he is. Now I just need to brace myself for the great meeting where they will no doubt confront me with many more stuff that I did not even consider could get me into trouble.
I could be lucky, it could end there. That would be having some faith in human nature, and another thing I have learnt, is that there’s no such thing. Thank you Spanish Boy, you’ve proven me right in all my guesses. Hopefully one day it will get back to you so horrifyingly that you might actually learn something.
On my way back from work there was a huge film crew in the small street I use. That reminded me why I was in L.A. in the first place, where more pettiness would no doubt await me, however it could mean a bit more happiness than so much shit for a job I care nothing about and ultimately will lead me nowhere worthwhile.
I just hope I’ll be able to justify myself, defend myself, will be difficult now, since they think I’m trying to hide everything from them to make me look good, it looks bad. So little happened, and it seems so insignificant to me, that to be honest I don’t believe I need to bother them with any of it. But since there will be a full scale investigation, there’s not much I can do but cooperate. One more reason that will help justify my departure when I announce it in less than two weeks. And so far they still wonder if I will leave or not, so they might actually go easy on me. Somehow I don’t think it will be the case. They could now make a big deal out of nothing and justify to themselves that perhaps it would be better for me to leave. Though I don’t really want to be sacked, it would certainly help me stop my monthly payments to my creditors if it was the case. I can then forget getting a reference letter, I might not be able to put on my CV that I worked in the U.S., and at this point in my life, I don’t really care anyway. There’s more to life than a damn CV, or is there?
I’m so not motivated at the moment to get back to work, to continue this stressful life, closing that first conference, doing all that I did for the second next month, and move on with the third which is now very late. I wish I could just bury myself under my to-do-list, however they make it very difficult for me to do so. How can you be honest and loyal in an office filled with backstabbers? What about this need to survive? To be recognized for so much work that you feel has been well done, when no one wants to see it that way? It is useless.
This morning when I got out to walk to the office, this five days in Utah really made me wonder where I was, I was kind of mixed up, as if this morning I could have woken up in many different countries I lived in, in another life, doing something else. I had so many memories rushing back in, London especially. And I thought, this job, this place, is not the end of the world, it is just one place, one situation, and I can get out of it at any time. No need to despair, to panic, to stress over any of it. No self pity allowed, I need to be strong, as strong as I have ever been. My life, who I am, is more than what they make of it. Hard to convince myself of that, but it worked for a whole five minutes.
And now I have to go back, and actually assess the damages, confront them, and whatever happens, happens, just have to accept it and continue with my work, if they allow me. And now I’ll be late 10 minutes, another thing they can use against me, there’s so many now, that I’m really beyond caring. I tried to prevent all that, I still need to live you know, I’m beyond caring.
Finally they left me alone today. I hope they realized that after all, whatever came back to them, they thought it was not worth the investigation of the century. We’ll see tomorrow.
Now I have to talk about something exciting (relatively speaking, of course, as nothing exciting is happening right now in my life). I was wondering, and it was at the back of my mind, why it is that whilst in Salt Lake City I took the time to spend many hours visiting the Temple of the Mormons, did the research of the century on the Internet to find out all that is positive and negative about that Church, stole the Book of the Mormons off my hotel room, etc. I was wondering if it was a coincidence that at the same time a crisis within the Mormons community in America and in Canada was developing and are the headlines of every newspapers in the country. Now I understand that it was at a much smaller scale that I should have thought about it.
My neighbor tonight was speaking to me, a bit embarrassing because I came with my 10 packs of cigarettes and huge case of cans of beers, really, all that was missing was a pack of condoms and he could have condemned me completely. And it had been already very embarrassing at the Seven Eleven, because in this State, whatever if it is sort of supposed to be Liberal, even though the Governor is a Bush adjuvant (Arnold Swarhtzzzennegererer, or whatever), buying cigarettes and alcohol is not that easy, when you succeed in not caring for all the customers looking weirdly at you. And I spent 30 minutes there because their till was not working, while everyone passing, and of course there was in the line someone who works in my building, thought my card or something did not work, and of course, that was to come as I was not certain if my card would work. I’m so tired, that it did not bother me that much.
Well, I told my neighbor that I just came back from Salt Lake City and he asked me if I was on LSD. My God, I thought, he’s asking me if I take drugs, I imagined for a moment that he was about to complain because sometimes I can stay up very late, very drunk, listening to music (with headphones though) while writing. He was actually asking if I was a LDS, from the Church of Jesus-Christ of the