Corporate America

And of course, I’m talking bullocks here, but hey, I’m drunk again, what do you expect? I’m still very much Canadian at heart. Which means, I’m naïve. I can easily be taken for a ride. I can easily be manipulated, because it is easy to trick me, since I think the whole world is honest and truthful, just like I am. Let’s give them as many chances as we can give, who does it hurt in the end? Yes, I’m Canadian, I can’t escape that, it’s in my nature, I’m a nice guy, I’ll open my heart every time, I’ll let you take advantage of me every time, and when you will come back asking for more, I’ll just give you more. There’s limit to my kindness, that’s what I’m really all about, just like every Canadian. What are you waiting for? We’re all waiting here to be taken advantage of, to help you, our heart knows no bound. We’ll still help you after you robbed us blind. Because that’s who we are. Trusting you, even after you’ve been proven yourself untrustworthy. And I guess, I’m proud of it. That’s one way of saving this world, from complete destruction. I guess I’m more Canadian that I would like to admit. Maybe one day I’ll be proud of calling myself Canadian. But not today.
I am myself, I am from nowhere, I have a mission to accomplish, and I will accomplish it. I don’t know yet what my mission is, I’m in the process of identifying it, what it is that I’m going to do and achieve with this life, but I feel it is becoming more concrete every day, and I will eventually find out, and then nothing will stop me. I will accomplish my mission. And I never felt so close to finding out, here in L.A., and tomorrow might be the decisive moment. My life could go in many different directions, and I still don’t know where it could lead. All I know is that I am not going to remain in the shadow of anyone, I’ll be right there at the forefront, I’ll be there at the front. There’s no other way, I am not just one name in a final generic of a film, I am at the top, I am the why it all happened in the first place. I’ll change this world! Mark my words! I’ll change it. And it will be so astonishing to everyone, and still, so natural and logical, they will wonder why no one else thought of it. I guess it has always been staring in our face, and yet, we were blind to it. I can get back to the basics. I can get us all to move on to the most important things. And I will. And I won’t do that after my death, things will have to move much faster, I have a lot of work to do. I’ll have an impact on this world, the biggest one ever, just watch me. Might seem insignificant at first sight, but I’m telling you, it is powerful, more powerful than you could have ever imagined. And my attack, will be on many fronts. Literary, musically, filmic, television, raw business in the markets, every front. I’ll make such a difference, the world will never know what’s hit it. The shadows aren’t for me, I’m way too pretentious for that. I’m worst than the Spanish Boy, who’s got no hope of reaching any of you. I have hope and I will reach you all. And I will change you all. I’m confident because I feel I have done it all already, I’ve written everything I felt I just have written. And yet, I know this is only the beginning, and much more, on a much higher scale, is about to explode all over the universe. No self doubt here, no depression here, just a certainty in my feelings, in my capabilities. There’s no limit.
And that my friends, is the American dream. When one useless drunken soul thinks he can save the world and become rich in the process, free himself in the process. And that’s my life story. I’m not there yet, but I will, this year, that’s why I came to Los Angeles in the first place. And as planned by the Grand Manitou, it will all work out fine. I might never leave the place. I’ll get my boyfriend here, and together, we’ll change this world for the better. Not just entertain it, but change it. As this is my mission. You will recognize my name. And yet, it is just a name. I don’t even identify with it. It does not matter. In this name I speak, in this name, I change the world. And in this name, we will have a new reason to live. Or else, I want to die, and most probably, you with will want it to. Because then, this world will not be worth fighting for, to live for. Something will change, something significant is about to happen, and I am the one who will make it happen.
This is my world, you only exist from own point of view. I am the master and the king of my own universe, you will do and hear as I see fit. No one else exist around here, you are all part of my dreamt reality, my dreams. I’ve created you, like you are creating your own universe. And in my own universe, I’ll be a leader, I’ll control everything. I will save you, I’ll make you happy, I’ll make this life worth living. I will not only create hope, I will give you what you have been searching for all your life. Freedom. Total freedom. To do whatever it is you want to do, whenever it is you want to do it. Financial freedom, all the love you ever wanted to get, sex until you choke on that pussy or that dick. Human nature is very predictable, sex is a big part of your life. If you don’t get it at home, then there’s something wrong. No matter if you’re fat and ugly, you need and deserve to have sex. Most human basic need. Comes before food, clothes and roof. Main priority, or else, deep psychological problems, escape through fantasy worlds and perhaps sci-fi. Not worth it. Sex, most important need to fulfill. Before freedom, before anything. So find a way, make it happen, it will make you happy, whatever the means you will use to get there.
Oh dear, oh God, I’m already too drunk, not sure what it is that I am talking about here. And I wonder if tomorrow when I edit those 500 pages, if this will remain or not. Interesting, is it not? What a drunk mind can think, and an sane one can decide to delete. Something is telling me that this will remain. A drunk mind always goes to the essential, what’s really important. And a sane mind can recognize that when it reads it, it wonders how being sane, none of this would have ever come out. When it is such a basic truth, bare to the essentials of life. Useless to lie, we all need to be satisfied sexually, we all need to be successful socially, we all need to be rich beyond belief, and enjoy our hard find freedom. That is what is called hope. Some of us are sidetracked by religion, religious people controlling our lives, but essentially, it all comes back to that: sex, money, power, freedom. And I admit that this is what I have been seeking desperately. And I admit, this is what I thought I could achieve by writing these useless books. Hoping that this last one would make it big out there, freeing me from all my obligations and social responsibilities. Now I know this won’t work. I’ll have to find another way. And I’ve got plenty of ideas to get there, to reach the same results without these useless books. Let’s see if I will succeed. Anything at this point would do. Anything. Hard work will be required, but I’m not afraid of hard work, if there’s a chance to get me to this hard seek freedom. I will get there, one way or another. And this is not dependent on anyone else, friends, parents, boyfriend, anything. I’m so disconnected when I reach that point, I’m alone in this world, everyone and everything only exists from my own frame of reference. They no longer exist. I know better. I know of a world where I was 17, lost in Venice, all day long looking for that hotel room I had somehow reserved, incapable of finding the place. That’s what’s called being on its own. That’s what is called having a whole world in front of us that only exists in our mind as long as we let it exists. That’s what existence and survival is all about. Lost alone in Venice, something so exotic and alien, that you might as well be on another planet. Left alone to fend for yourself. Create the world you want, create the only world you might want to evolve in. Something out of this world, far from everything you ever known. Not even recognize the Piazza San Marco for what it is, just find yourself there and actually appreciate the place. Nice. What the fuck is it? Who knows and who cares? Survival, that’s all that counts. And feeling great about where you are. Make this life something worth living. Do not care about money or family, they’re no real obstacle, once you learn to ignore them. Small minded people, on no remarkable path, who would do anything to stop you from living what you were destined to live. Get out! Get out of here! Do as I did, go around Europe for a month, get lost in the streets of Rome at 5 am, pee against a street pole, see the catacombs entrance you will visit the next day, see the difference, the alien planet we’re all living on, no one can understand Italy, they’re living in a world of their own, it makes no sense to any of us, and yet it exists, we can lose ourselves in there, live it for a few days, find out what their motivation is, what they have accomplished which makes no sense to us. How can anyone live like that? It’s a mystery. And yet, it exists. Find out for yourself. You’re about to die, we all know it, you know it, get out of here while you still can, visit Italy until you have breathed it all in, assimilated it all, until it becomes a part of you. Because it is still you, you are still part of this world, you made this possible, in fact, you created it. You might as well enjoy it. Italy, the most alien place I have ever created. The most alien place you will ever create. Witness it before you die. Or else, it will all have been useless, wasted. You created it, and yet, you did not bother to go and see it. Then it is only an idea, a concept, something that might not even exist, like the rest of this world.
Since you can only make out of this world, places you have actually gone to. Or else, you have no idea, it might as well have never existed. And it is a sad life to have never actually witnessed anything. You can die in the San Fernando Valley, thinking that you are at the center of the known universe, but if you have never gone out of it to verify that anything else actually exists, then you might as well have never been born in the first place. I’m sorry, you are not at the center of the universe. You are nothing. There’s more to this world than plain old America. Much more, that no one can understand. I’ve witnessed it, I’ve seen it. This is out of this world, it makes no sense whatsoever, and yet, it exists, and it works somehow. Go and see it for yourself, before you die. It might change this world you’re building for us all! Whatever that might be. Even though I believe that I am building the world I am living in, just as you should for yourself. So brighten your horizons, find out for yourself. Just like I did, at 17, with no money whatsoever. So nothing can stop you from getting there, just like I did. Don’t even think, just go! And get lost… God knows you need it! What are you waiting for? Get out of here! Now!
Oh dear, I’m no longer of this world. I’m from everything I have ever come across, of all these place I’ve seen, all these virtual worlds I’ve been to. I’m from the imagination of someone else. That’s where I’m from, because that’s where I’ve been living in those last few years. And it’s better than the real thing, I can tell you. I have no interest in the real world, none at all. I’ve been living somewhere else, and I would not give it up for nothing. Even Venice can compete with that, I’m sorry, the real world cannot fill that hole. I’m gone, disconnected, at this point, nothing will bring me back. Nothing of interest here, I’m afraid, not worth living or fighting for. Let it all disappear. Virtual worlds is all I need, to grow, to expand myself, to exist in. I’m out of here, been there for a long time now, the real world no longer exists. And why should it? There’s no reason for it to be, when the only thing it can bring is pain and suffering. I don’t want to live in this world, who could?
I think you’re going to have real trouble assimilating the new generation into your world. I think none of them would want to be part of it. I think none of them could. We’re all really disconnected, connected to many other worlds, which seem much more worthwhile to us. None of your crap will make any sense to any of us. That will cripple your way of life beyond any predictions. I’m telling you. Adapting your world to what we’ve been used to, will be impossible. And there’s nothing slightly attracting to any of us in your real world. We will choose the virtual worlds every time, I’m telling you. We’re disconnected. But we’re a whole generation. And then, it becomes, that you’re disconnected completely. God knows in which world you’re living in, but that has got nothing to do with our worlds. And sincerely, we don’t care, we don’t give a shit. You might try to connect, to look cool to us, but we’re not stupid, we can tell, we know, your attempt is useless. We’re simply no longer living in the same world. Ours is a virtual one, more significant than the real one. And that’s it, in a nut shell. You’ve made the real world something that no one in their right mind from the new generation could ever wish to live in. Forcing us to go even deeper in the virtual worlds, which are 1000 times better. I’m afraid, we might have to end up being a whole generation plugged into their computers, because nothing in the real world could make us want to disconnect. Certainly not a real job, with real bosses that we will only wish to shoot right there where they stand. And parents? Who cares about parents and what they think is best for us? Not me, I don’t care, I have no more parents, they’re all dead, in that last war, or was it just in a virtual world or something? Ah, who cares anyway. We have no parents. They’re gone, who cares about what they might say. Not us. We’re already somewhere else. We’ve been playing these video games for far too long, we can no longer make the distinction between the real and the fake world. And to be honest, the fake world is one thousand time better than the real world. You simply cannot win. You wanted to witness a lost generation, then you will. Nothing, nothing in the real world can compare, can compensate, we cannot put up with any of your bullshit, as we know better, of a world of pleasure, or real happiness. And you can only bring a world of darkness and unhappiness. We will all reject it instantly. And then, I guess, we’ll just have to build something better. Something that will reflect these virtual worlds we’ve been living in for so long. God only knows what it might look like, and yet, it will happen, because we’re the new generation, and that’s where we’ve been living in, for all those years. Pleasure, ecstasy, great worlds to evolve in, is all we’ve ever known, and that’s what we’ll be seeking for. Something in the real world that can make us feel the same. Like if we were out of this world, out of this boring reality. Great things are to be expected from the new generation, my God, they will transform this world into something finally livable. I can’t wait, because I am a man living beyond his time, living in a dying world built by a past date generation. I can foresee the future, and the future is bright. It will be created by people like me, people completely disconnected from any sort of reality. Who will reject everything instantly. The future is bright indeed, quick, let’s just kill anything and anyone who’s older than me. None of them could be part of that future. They’re way too disconnected, no matter how cool they may think they are. Let the youngest generation of all take over, take power, build the new institutions, rebuild everything. It will be out of this world, and it might actually be bearable and acceptable to me. Let’s get rid of this old world, let’s build a new world based on dreams, virtual worlds and the likes. Let’s fly out of here, escape, while we still can, while I still can. None of your crap will be acceptable to any of us. God knows the world you have been living in for so long, make no sense to any of us, none of us could buy it, none of us wants it. Not sure what we will make of it. The Stock Exchange market will have to disappear, I’m afraid, makes no sense to any of us. Private Equity? What the fuck is that? Capitalism? I don’t even understand the concept. Only that it does not seem to work. Perhaps in a Hollywood film, but beyond? Nope.
Do not underestimate the new generation. They cannot understand anything about what you are, or pretend to be. They have no interest whatsoever in whatever it is that are doing. I’m telling you, you are so out of touch with our reality, you would believe. We will reject just about everything that you are about. We will throw just about everything that composes your reality. We’re just from another world, be it virtual or whatever, none of this makes sense to us. You can only alienate us all, and in return, once we take power, we can only destroy you, because you’re way too much out of touch with who we are, our true nature. I thought I was the only one who was lost, I understand that I was simply before my time. I have an army following me, thinking just like me, not understanding anything about this world you built, and not wanting to understand anything. It’s all crap, it is not necessary, it is complicating an existence that is already too complicated. I have only one purpose, find happiness, enjoy life and freedom, and everything you are all about, is the complete opposite. So you will just have to go and disappear. And I have now a whole generation behind me thinking the same. So better watch out! Slavery in big corporations, these days are over. Making a few richer than they already are, when it does not get anyone else any richer, that is over. You’re little management mind games to drive us crazy, making us work harder, that is also over. We’ve seen it all, we know how it works, we’re not going to play the game. You’re not going to get richer out of our hard work, we’re not that kind of generation. We won’t be slaves to you. It just won’t work, because we’re less stupid than our parents. We know we won’t get any pension like they did. We might as well try to be happy while we can, no point in waiting until retirement, there won’t be one. Fuck you! Fuck you all. The days of exploitation are over. You won’t turn our generation into slaves to make you richer and us poorer. You went too far. You pushed it too far. You thought you could get away with anything, well, it is no longer the case with the new generation. We’ve known something better, before even reaching you, hearing about you, and we can find out instantly anything we need to know about you. We know you’re corrupt, exploitative, no caring for anyone except your own profit, so we won’t contribute to that, you will die, you should die. There’s no need for a few billionaires in this world while the rest of us are just slaves to them, barely surviving in our corporate prisons. This is not the American dream, we all know that. Your days are counted. We’re not your slaves anymore! Do you hear us? Fuck you!
23 May 2006
Finally home after my first day back, not too bad, since I got out of the way most of what I had to do for my second conference in Philadelphia. Sometimes I forget that going to work is not exactly like dying, or being brain dead whilst I’m there. I still exist for these hours, but it is hard to conceptualize. The Spanish Boy makes it easier to go through it, I think he realizes also that I brighten his day. Today he invited me to his place for a drink, eventually, not for today. When he realized that I did not have a car, he said no way I’ll come to pick you up. So I said, well then, you’ll have to come to my place for drink. He made sure he had my phone number, almost unbelievable, considering what happened in Salt Lake City. And all this conversation was made in front of the Black Guy, can you imagine? Not sure if he took that chance of letting people know in the office that he was actually inviting me for a drink because the moment was there, and the it was just unfortunate that the Black Guy was present, or if he believes that it does not matter if the Black Guy is there, because he thinks he is not a gossip person. He is, but with the bosses, and no one seems to understand that in this office apart from me, because Isabella told me the very first day I started to work there, and I had many instances where I verified that completely. Now, I’m quite sure the Spanish Boy won’t have the guts to call me, and I don’t have his number anymore as he recently changed his phone (he must have lost his last one).
I finally got to know what religion the Black Guy was, a Baptist or something, whatever that is, still believe in Jesus-Christ though, and as predicted, he is so damn religious that he quite openly told me I was an heretic for being obsessed with The Da Vinci Code. He said that he would never go and see that film, as he is holier than thou. And when he stated that he always went to see two films for the price of one in those cinema complex filled with theatres, I claimed that this was stealing and illegal. He freaked out completely and lost himself in infinite justifications about the fact that it must be allowed, and also that he was holier than thou. I had a good laugh at him for his comment about The Da Vinci Code. Mister is not so perfect after all. And then I told him that we were all doing it, no big deal, and he seemed to feel relieved somehow.
The Jewish Boy started today, the perfect one I said looked like a Hollywood actor. Apparently he is not married, but the Valley Girl quickly told me that he had a long hard look at her huge breasts, so we know he’s straight. Thank God, I would not want more trouble at work that I already have flirting with the Spanish Boy. He has an accent though, even though he has lived here for 13 years. And a bad one at that. I was wondering if he actually has a speech impediment. Sad, it kinds of destroy his perfect American image. Though I guess we could say that Israel people are the Americans these days, since no other people seem to make any difference apart from the Jewish people, in L.A. at least. When I told him that I was writing film scripts, he said: I know all the right people. What a surprise, I thought. And we’re supposed to go and eat somewhere where we can discuss his contacts. Not sure if I want to, he seemed willing as he proposed it. I certainly don’t want any rumors to start, and yet it has already started, thanks to the Spanish Boy and his gossip nature. Blatant lies now. I’ll never be able to control these gossips now, it is out of my hands, just have to live with it.
Which brings me back to the Jewish Boy at work who started today. When I asked if he was the new marketing guy, he did not know what I was talking about, he said that he was some sort of researcher, in his broken accent. I then thought he was just a researcher. Then I came back and asked him where he was from, when he said Israel, then I stated that he was much more than just a researcher then (meaning he is the new marketing guy)… he answered something quite funny, he said, yes, I’m also Jewish. That was a quick joke, and impressive one too coming from him, he can laugh about this. It showed me he was already much more cool and less selfish than the Spanish Boy. Let’s see where all this will go. I never thought I would be working there long enough to see so many people come and go. So fast that I never think any new stories could happen or be written about, and yet, I’m still here and there may be more stuff that will happen to me soon.
Oh dear, finally home, with an opened beer, and my infinite amount of MP3 on my hard drive, I can finally have access to all those MP3 which were lost on all my CDs and DVDs. Took me the whole Sunday sorting them out, copying them to my hard drive and ripping my other audio CDs I bought since I moved to L.A. Now it is all accessible with a few clicks. So much to choose from, wonderful. I’m listening to Alanis Morrissette, her first one, it has been years since I listened to that, it was lost on an obscure CD I never reach for some reason. It made me think, that Jagged Little Pill album is probably the most anarchic record I own, the closest to my dark poetry there ever will be, and yet it has sold over 35 million copies. Worth having the music to accompany the poetry, I have to admit, it sells just a little bit more.