Defining Moments

THE MEDITATION

The spiritual quest never occurred. The next step into the spiritual aspect was a deep meditation. Meditations have been good in establishing a quietness of the mind body and soul. The meditation in theory could reach the spiritual essence of Danielle because of our connection. The logical connection was that the meditation would somehow provide answers

My sorrow was beginning to trigger memories of my abuse as a child. The attempt to reach Danielle resulted in a flash back on actual events that happened to me when I was a child. The only difference is that I was standing there observing with a dance instructor that I had considered a mentor in the past. The candles are lit and shamanic music plays. Half an hour passes and suddenly the meditation sends me on a flashback. This flashback was different because I am the observer. Fear started to set in my heart.

I am standing over a 10 year old white child, with curly red hair. She is dirtied and crying, shackled by her wrists and legs. I knew this place. It was the canyons in Mocking Bird Canyon in Riverside California. My heart began racing. Oh my God! The reason I could not reach Danielle is that I am really dead. I never made it to adulthood. How rude. Why didn’t anyone send me a fax or text that I was actually dead? No one told me. I never made it. NO!! This goes beyond cruelty. I started screaming when a woman walks up to me. It was my dance instructor, Gina Hasly.

Hasley is 50 years old, white and short blond hair. She always reminded me of Judi Dench. When Hasley taught me dance she became a mentor to me in so many ways. I always regretted that I never truly said good bye to her. She hated my ex wife whom made me disconnect from everyone and my passion.

“Shhh. You are not dead. You made it. You are being shown through your meditation why you must stand and why you are here to help others.”

“What is this? Why am I reliving this horrible experience?” I ask.

Gina steps up next to me,

“Your sorrow goes deep into your soul. When Danielle left you,

and rejected you it triggered your emotional self. You are reliving your past in your meditation so that you might heal and move forward.”

I step back in horror. There was no way that I was dead. I kept thinking how cruel it would have been if I was dead.

“No No this is wrong. I have dealt with my past.” I said.

“No child you merely built a wall. Now you will see your strength.” Gina said.

What I am about to tell/share with you the reader is very intense. This is not for the meek of heart. It is very graphic in nature based on actual events of what happened to. I begin shaking as another flash back occurs.

In September of 1982, I was ten years old. Kendra my mother had shackled me to the ground in a satanic ceremony. A child is about to be raped and tortured. I am that child. Various men come up to me slapping me.

“So bitch where is your fucking God, now? Where is your Jesus Christ?”

“In me, I will not bend to you. I believe in my God, Jesus the savior and no other God shall I place before me.” I cried.

“Wrong answer, bitch.” Kendra yells.

Kendra walks up to me smiling.

“Electrocute her!”

The men take cattle prods and begin electrocuting me. I fall to the ground gasping for air. The men raise me back to my knees laughing. I remember the volts of electricity surging through my body. I remember shaking. I begin to pray in my head.

“My Lord is my shepherd. I shall walk through the valley

of the shadow of death. I shall hear no evil, I shall speak no evil.”I cry.

Blood begins to come out of my mouth as Kendra smiles, laughing. “Open her mouth. Blood will feel good on one of your dicks.

Stick your dicks in her mouth so she will remember how her Christ left her here to be taken by us.” Kendra yells.

Kendra shakes her head laughing,

“By the time we are done, no one will want to touch you. You shall be

seen as different, a reject. Who would want you as a friend or lover? You are tainted. Perhaps you should have chosen to die when I skinned your white wolf alive. He screamed and howled as I ripped his skin off his body and ripped his heart. Though I did like the part where I bathed you in his blood and made you wear

his body.” Kendra states.

“No please,” I am screaming in pain.

Kendra just stares at me,

“Talking to the wrong person, perhaps Jesus will save you,” Kendra

laughs.

The men open my mouth and the one male sticks his dick into my mouth ejaculating into my mouth. A few minutes later I vomit the semen up. The hours of torture continue as each man takes his turn ejaculating in my mouth. At midnight Kendra grew tired of me not submitting to her.

She grabs my chin,

“This will be all over if you just submit to me, reject your God

and say that I am your goddess. You will agree to continue my work,” Kendra states.

I look at her,

“By hurting others ?” I asked gasping.

“Yes that is true power,” Kendra responds.

“No. Kill me,” I beg.

I could feel the semen in my stomach; the feeling of being violated. I thought to myself that no one will ever want to touch me if I ever made it to be an adult. Kendra pulls out a knife. One of the males drops my right side of my body.

“What are you doing?” the male asks.

“I am going to cut her throat so she can never speak,” Kendra replies.

Kendra walks behind me slitting my throat. I begin choking on blood when another Man named Jim interferes. Jim is 40 years old with a receding brown hairline. He was Kendra’s boyfriend. He jumps on Kendra.

“You crazy bitch. Joe said torture not kill,”

He immediately wraps my throat up with a blue plaid long sleeve shirt. Jim drags me away. For three weeks I could not speak. Afterwards my vocal cords healed however to this day my voice is deep.

Suddenly I look at Gina

“Take me out of this mediation. This flashback. I lived this once. I don’t need to be reminded.”

A white wolf appears next to me. It was the white wolf that I had when I was six.

“Then step out of your sorrow. Your heart break is causing you to remember what you went through as a child,” Gina stated.

I step back and starting yelling,

“Danielle, Danielle”

Gina grabs me and started hugging me,

“Kat, please forgive yourself. Danielle left because of her own agenda. Not because you failed. The time for you to flourish is now.”

I looked at the white wolf.

“Wolfee, I am so sorry,” I cry.

“Child, I love you, love yourself. Remember the necklace the shaman gave you. My time with you is over. Give the necklace to a woman, an elder. She will have a similar background as you. Its time you show her that she is loved by Spirit as we have loved you,” wolfee states.

I look at Gina, who smiles,

“For your information, Jesus was right next to you giving you grace so you will live. Now teach others through your words.” Gina said.

I woke up in a sweat, and crying. Oh my god I cried all night after that meditation. What does this mean? This is the most intense meditation I have done since I was 20 when I was first taught to be a shaman. I decide to call Henry.

“Kat, don’t you understand, spirit saved you from death?” Henry states.

“Like I am not dying, now, really? Shit, I am reliving my memories.

Why?” I ask.

Henry and I talk about the meditation and how it felt like to relive the memory of my throat being slashed during a rape.

“Shit I fucking relived that whole memory of what Kendra did to me the night she had all the guys’ gang rape me. Really? Why? I asked spirit for an answer to reach Danielle. But no, Spirit made me relive my past.” I state angrily.

“Because when Danielle left you it triggered your memories;

particularly your sorrow that you still carry. You have never been truly loved before and when Danielle left you, you were sent back to when you were a child,” Henry responds.

“Now what?” I ask.

“Let go of your sorrow, cry and stand up. I love you and always have.

You taught Me to become the man I am today. It’s time. You asked for hero. Spirit, your beliefs, Jesus just became your hero. Let go and stand up.”Henry said.

I remember sitting down in my living room. Henry was absolutely correct. In my sadness I began to relive the sorrow of my childhood particularly those memories where Kendra said that I would never be loved. What have I done? I know firsthand that I was grieving. This was never about me. It was like Danielle said on January 18^th, 2012.

“This is not about you. This is about me and what I have done.”

I never understood what she meant. Now I know and it was sickening.

“I apologize.” I said.

Mr. D sighed,

“You don’t have to apologize, Kat. For the first time in your life you are crying physically. That is good. You are finally releasing. That is what the meditation was about: releasing.”

I shook my head and lit a cigarette,

“Will I ever have a partner?” I asked.

“Yes and she will love you as greatly as I love you. I know that you are lesbian. However, I love your spirit. You have touched many lives. Take this experience and show others that they are not alone. Stand up as you did when you were a child.” Henry said.

I sit down in my apartment trying to make sense of everything. On my table are the engagement rings. I took them and locked them up in my safe. IT was time to let go. I knew that the meditation was telling me that I needed to release Danielle and move on. I have allowed my fear of breaking a promise to Danielle to override everything that everyone was telling me. My past was interfering with my current condition of living. I was allowing my past to block me. Now I had realized that in the process of loss and grieving, we have to let go. I was in a state of denial.

The words of Gerri, my English instructor from high school come to my mind. Gerri was a great teacher that taught Theology in my high school when I had gone to a private academy for a few months when I was 17. When I was taken away at 17 by authorities I was placed at a Seventh Day Adventist Academy. Gerri died in a moped accident when I was 25. Her words on grace always stuck with me.

“The state of grace begins with us. It is through forgiving

ourselves. When we finally cry, the skies will cry with us because in the release of your pain, you will grow.”

I wish she was still alive today so that I might tell Gerri.

“Thank you!”

In looking back, my meditation was my broken heart’s attempt to try

and find a reason. I really thought at the time that Danielle left me because she was disgusted by my past sexual abuse. My illogical mind thought that if I could show her that I am still the woman she loved that she would return. My mind couldn’t process why she suddenly left. The flashbacks to my abuse weren’t helping either. Why would sorrow trigger my memories? That was answer that I couldn’t see or should I say didn’t want to acknowledge.

My sorrow initiated somatic triggers to the PTSD that I didn’t realize that I had. Somatic is related to emotion. Traumatic stress which was the devastation of my heart brought back into focus all the overwhelming sensations that I was feeling from my past. This triggers a disassociatitve sate within the person. In this case, it was me. My PTSD was putting pressure on the basic functions of my mind creating a stress so intense that it was arousing cycles of my original traumatic experience.

The journey was so difficult back then. Here I was trying to process what was going on and my flashbacks were interfering. The memoires made me feel even more shame, embrassement and disgust. The only real reason that I was angry at God/Spirit was that I was remembering. It was lot to deal with and I was feeling overwhelmed. Today I am thankful for those flashbacks revisiting me. They showed me that I needed help to heal and reconcile that I was a victim.