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Chapter 83

Commencement Address at the College of William & Mary
TEXT

"College is something you complete; life is something you experience"

21 May 2004 Jon Stewart

Thank you. Thank you, Mr. President, I had forgotten how crushingly dull these _1_ceremonies are. Thank you.

My best to the choir. I have to say, that song never grows old for me. Whenever I hear that song, it __2__reminds me of nothing. I am honored to be here, I do have a _3_confession to make before we get going that I should explain very quickly. When I am not on television, this is actually how I dress. I apologize, but this is -- thank you. Thank you. There’s something very _4_freeing about it. I congratulate the students for being able to walk even a half a mile in this non-breathable fabric in the Williamsburg heat. I am sure the environment that now exists under your robes are the same conditions that primordial life began on this earth.

I know there were some parents that were __5__concerned about my speech here tonight, and I want to assure you that you will not hear any language that is not common at, say, a dock workers union meeting, or Tourrett’s _6_convention, or profanity seminar. Rest assured.

I am honored to be here and to receive this honorary doctorate. When I think back to the people that have been in this position before me from Benjamin Franklin to Queen Noor of Jordan, I can’t help but wonder what has happened to this place. Seriously, it __7_saddens me. As a person, I'm honored to get it; as an alumnus, I have to say I believe we can do better. And I believe we should. But it has always been a dream of mine to receive a _8_doctorate and to know that today, without putting in any effort, I will. It’s incredibly gratifying. Thank you. No, that’s very nice of you, I appreciate it. Thank you.

I’m sure my fellow doctoral _9_graduates -- who have spent so long toiling in academia, sinking into debt, sacrificing God knows how many years of what, in truth, is a piece of parchment that has been so devalued by our instant gratification culture as to have been rendered meaningless -- will join in __10_congratulating me. Thank you.

But today isn’t about how my presence here devalues this fine institution. It is about you, the _11_graduates. I’m honored to be here to congratulate you today. Today is the day you enter into the real world, and I should give you a few pointers on what it is. It’s actually not that different from the environment here. The biggest difference is you will now be paying for things, and the real world is not __12__surrounded by three-foot brick wall. And the real world is not a restoration. If you see people in the real world making bricks out of straw and water, those people are not colonial re-enactors -- they are poor. Help them. And in the real world, there is not as much __13_candle lighting. I don’t really know what it is about this campus and candle lighting, but I wish it would stop. We only have so much _14__wax, people.

Let’s talk about the real world for a moment. We had been discussing it earlier, and I -- I wanted to bring this up to you earlier about the real world, and -- and this is I guess as good a time as any. I don’t really know to put this, so I’ll be blunt. We _15_broke it. Please don’t be mad. I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next generation a world better than the one we were handed. So, sorry.

I don’t know if you’ve been following the news lately, but it just kind a _16_got away from us. Somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire, we heard kind of a pinging noise, and then the _17__damn thing just died on us. So I apologize.

But here’s the good news. You fix this thing, you’re the next greatest generation, people. You do this -- and I believe you can -- you win this war on terror, and Tom Brokaw’s kissing your ass from here to Tikrit, let me tell ya. And even if you don’t, you’re not gonna have much trouble surpassing my generation. If you end up getting your picture taken next to a _18_naked guy pile of enemy prisoners and don’t give the thumbs up you’ve outdid us. We declared war on terror. We __19__declared war on terror -- it’s not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I’m sure we’ll take on that bastard ennui.

But obviously that’s the world. What about your lives? What piece of wisdom can I impart to you about my journey that will somehow ease your transition from college back to your parents' basement?

I know some of you are nostalgic today, filled with excitement and perhaps uncertainty at what the future holds. I know six of you are trying to _20_figure out how to make a bong out of your caps. I believe you are members of Psi U. Hey that did work. Thank you for the reference.

So I thought I’d talk a little bit about my experience here at William and Mary. It was very long ago, and if you had been to William and Mary while I was here and _21_found out that I would be the commencement speaker 20 years later, you would be somewhat surprised, and probably somewhat angry. I came to William and Mary because as a _22__Jewish person I wanted to explore the rich tapestry of Judaica that is Southern Virginia. Imagine my surprise when I realized “The Tribe” was not what I thought it meant.

In _23_1980 I was 17 years old. When I moved to Williamsburg, my hall was in the basement of Yates, which combined the cheerfulness of a bomb shelter with the prison-like comfort of the group shower. As a freshman I was quite a catch. Less than five feet tall, yet my head is the same size it is now. Didn’t even really look like a head, it looked more like a container for a head. I looked like a Peanuts character. Peanuts characters had terrible acne. But what I lacked in looks I _24__made up for with a repugnant personality.

In 1981 I lost my virginity, only to gain it back again on appeal in 1983. You could say that my one saving grace was academics where I _25_excelled, but I did not.

And yet now I live in the rarified air of celebrity, of mega stardom. My life a series of anonymous Hollywood orgies and Kabala center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that’s what my handlers tell me. I’m actually too _26_valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh. So I know that the decisions that I made after college __27__worked out. But at the time I didn’t know that they would. See college is not necessarily predictive of your future success. And it’s the kind of thing where the path that I chose __28_obviously wouldn’t work for you. For one, you’re not very funny.

So how do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? And the _29_honest answer is this. You won’t. And accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience.

I was not exceptional here, and am not now. I was mediocre here. And I’m not saying aim low. Not everybody can wander around in an alcoholic haze and then at 40 just, you know, decide to be President. You’ve got to really work hard to try to...I was actually _30_referring to my father.

When I left William and Mary I was shell-shocked. Because when you’re in college it’s very clear what you have to do to succeed. And I imagine here everybody knows exactly the number of credits they needed to graduate, where they had to buckle down, which introductory psychology class would pad out the schedule. You knew what you had to do to get to this college and to _31__graduate from it. But the unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. The paths are infinite and the results uncertain. And it can be maddening to those that go here, especially here, because your strength has always been achievement. So if there’s any real advice I can give you it’s this: College is something you __32__complete; life is something you experience.

So don’t worry about your grade or the results or success. Success is __33__defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency which I imagine, after going through the program here, is quite strong. Love what you do. (Although I’m sure downloading illegal files…but, nah, that’s a different story.)

Love what you do. Get good at it. _34__Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may. And the last thing I want to address is the idea that somehow this new _35__generation is not as prepared for the sacrifice and the tenacity that will be needed in the difficult times ahead. I have not found this _36__generation to be cynical or apathetic or selfish. They are as strong and as decent as any people that I have met. And I will say this, on my way down here I stopped at Bethesda Naval, and when you talk to the young kids that are there that have just been back from Iraq and Afghanistan, you don’t have the worry about the future that you hear from so many that are not a part of this generation but _37__judging it from above.

And the other thing….that I will say is, when I spoke earlier about the world being broke, I was somewhat being facetious, because every generation has their __38_challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant. I was in New York on 9-11 when the towers came down. I lived _39__14 blocks from the twin towers. And when they came down, I thought that the world had ended. And I remember walking around in a daze for weeks. And Mayor Giuliani had said to the city, “You’ve got to get back to normal. We’ve got to show that things can change and get back to what they were.” And one day I was coming out of my building, and on my stoop, was a man who was crouched over, and he _40__appeared to be in deep thought. And as I got closer to him I realized, he was playing with himself. And that’s when I thought, "You know what, we’re gonna be OK." Thank you. Congratulations. I _41_honor you. Good Night. Thank you.



Glossary

Abbreviations

● n. (noun) - a name word

● v. (verb) - an action word

● ad. (adjective/adverb) - a describing word

● prep. (preposition) - a word used to show a relation

● pro. (pronoun) - a word used in place of a noun

● conj. (conjunction) - a joining word

A

able - v. having the power to do something

about - ad. almost ("about half"); of or having a relation to ("We talk about the weather.")

above - ad. at a higher place

accept - v. to agree to receive, believe, admit understand

accuse - v. to say a person is responsible for an act or crime; to make a statement against someone
across - ad. from side to side; to the other side

act - v. to do something

activist - n. one who seeks change through action

actor - n. someone acting in a play or show

add - v. to put (something) with another to make it larger; to say more

administration - n. the executive part of a government, usually headed by a president or prime minister

admit - v. to accept ("admitted to the United Nations"); to express one's guilt or responsibility ("He admitted that what he did was wrong.")

advise - v. to help with information, knowledge or ideas in making a decision

affect - v. to produce an effect on; to influence ("A lack of sleep affected the singer's performance.")
afraid - ad. feeling fear

again - ad. another time; as before

against - ad. opposed to; not agreeing with something

agency - n. an organization that is part of a larger group ("an agency of the United Nations")

aggression - n. an attack against a person or country; the violation of a country's borders

agree - v. to have the same belief as someone

agriculture - n. farming

aid - v. to help; to support; n. help, assistance

aim - v. to point a gun at; n. a goal or purpose

air - n. the mixture of gases around the earth, mostly nitrogen and oxygen, that we breathe

air force - n. a military organization using airplanes

alive - ad. having life; not dead

alert –adj. watchful, attentive

alliance – n. union, association, coalition; An alliance is a group of countries, political parties or people who have agreed to work together because of shared interests or aims; a formal agreement or treaty between or more nations to cooperate for specific purpose

allied –adj. connected, esp. by a political or military agreement

-The allied nations managed to veto the suggestion.

ally - n. friend, helper, partner

almost - ad. a little less than completely

alone - ad. separated from others

along - ad. near or on ("along the road")

already - ad. before now; even now

also - ad. added to; too

although - conj. even if it is true that

ambassador - n. a nation's highest diplomatic representative (to another government)

amend - v. to add to or to change (a proposal or law)

ammunition - n. the bullets or shells fired from guns, bombs

among - ad. in or part of (a group)

amount - n. the number, size or weight of anything

anarchy - n. a lack of order; lawlessness

ancestor - n. a family member from the past

ancient - ad. very old; long ago

anger - n. a strong emotion against someone or something

anniversary - n. a yearly celebration or observance of an event that happened in the past

announce - v. to make known publicly; to declare officially

another - ad. one more; a different one

anxiety – n. nervousness, worry, concern, fear,

apologize - v. to express regret for a mistake or accident for which one accepts responsibility

appeal - v. to take to a higher court, person or group for a decision; to call on somebody for help

appear - v. to show oneself; to come into sight; to seem

appoint - v. to name; to choose ("appoint a judge")

approve - v. to agree with; to agree to support

archeology - n. the scientific study of past human life

area - n. any place or part of it

argue - v. to offer reasons for or against something; to dispute; to disagree

arms - n. military equipment; weapons

army - n. military ground forces

around - ad. on every side (of)

arrest - v. to seize a person for legal action; to take as a prisoner

arrive - v. to come to a place, especially at the end of a trip

art - n. expressions or creations by humans, such as paintings, music, writing or statues

artillery - n. big guns, arms, guns

as - conj. equally ("as fast as"); when; while

ash - n. the part left after something burns, material remaining after something is burned, powder, dust

assist - v. to help

asylum - n. political protection given by a government to a person from another country

attach - v. to tie together; to connect

attack - n. a violent attempt to damage, injure or kill; v. to start a fight

attempt - v. to work toward something; to try; to make an effort

attend - v. to be present at, be there

autumn - n. the time of the year between summer and winter

average - n. something (a number) representing the middle; ad. common; normal

avoid - v. to stay away from

awake - ad. not sleeping

award - n. an honor or prize for an act or service

away - ad. not near

B

balance - v. to make two sides or forces equal

ball - n. something round

ballot - n. a piece of paper used for voting

ban - v. to not permit; to stop; n. an official restriction

bankruptcy – n. economic failure, state of losing property to one’s creditors due to unpaid debts; iflas, iflas etmek

bar - v. to prevent or block

barrier - n. anything that blocks or makes an action difficult

base - n. a military center; v. to establish as a fact (Her research was based on experiments.)

battle - n. a fight between opposing armed forces

be - v. to live; to happen; to exist

beat - v. to hit again and again

beauty - ad. that which pleases the eye, ear or spirit

become - v. to come to be

begin - v. to do the first part of an action; to start

believe - v. to think; to feel sure of; to accept as true; to trust

bell - n. an instrument that makes a musical sound ("a church bell")

belong - v. to be owned by; to be a member of

below - ad. lower than

best - ad. the most good

betray - v. to turn against; to be false to

between - ad. in the space or time that separates; from one to the other (talks between two nations)

bill - n. a legislative proposal

bite - v. to cut with the teeth

blame - v. to accuse; to hold responsible

blanket - n. a cloth cover used to keep warm

bleed - v. to lose blood

blind - ad. not able to see

block - v. to stop something from being done; to prevent movement

blood - n. red fluid in the body

blow - v. to move with force, as in air ("The wind blows.")

boat - n. something built to travel on water that carries people or goods

boil - v. to heat a liquid until it becomes very hot

bone - n. the hard material in the body

border - n. a dividing line between nations

born - v. to come to life; to come into existence

borrow - v. to take as a loan

bottom - ad. the lowest part of something

boycott - v. to refuse to take part in or deal with

brain - n. the control center of thought, emotions and body activity of all creatures

brave - ad. having no fear

break - v. to divide into parts by force; to destroy

breathe - v. to take air into the body and let it out again

breed – v. to keep (animals or plants) for the purpose of producing young animals or plants with chosen qualities, or (of animals) to have sex and reproduce

My father breeds alpine plants.

bridge - n. a structure built over a waterway, valley or road so people and vehicles can cross from one side to the other

brief - ad. short; not long

bright - ad. giving much light; strong and clear in color

bring - v. to come with something

broadcast - v. to send information, stories or music by radio or television; n. a radio or television program

brown - ad. having the color like that of coffee

budget - n. a spending plan

build - v. to join materials together to make something

building - n. anything built for use as a house, factory, office, school, store or place of entertainment
bullet - n. a small piece of metal shot from a gun

burn - v. to be on fire; to destroy or damage by fire

burst - v. to break open suddenly

bury - v. to put into the ground and cover with earth

business - n. one's work; buying and selling to earn money; trade

busy - ad. doing something; very active

by - conj. near; at; next to ("by the road"); from ("a play by William Shakespeare"); not later than ("by midnight")

C

cabinet - n. a group of ministers that helps lead a government

call - v. to give a name to ("I call myself John."); to ask for or request ("They called for an end to the fighting.")

calm - ad. quiet; peaceful; opposite tense

campaign - n. a competition by opposing political candidates seeking support from voters; a connected series of military actions during a war

cancel - v. to end; to stop

candidate - n. a person who seeks or is nominated for an office or an honor

capital - n. the official center of a government; the city where a country's government is

capitalism - n. an economic system in which the production of most goods and services is owned and operated for profit by private citizens or companies

capture - v. to make a person or animal a prisoner; to take by force; to get control of

care - v. to like; to protect; to feel worry or interest

careful - ad. acting safely; with much thought

carry - v. to take something or someone from one place to another

case (court) - n. a legal action

case (medical) - n. an incident of disease (There was only one case of chicken pox at the school.)
catch - v. to seize after a chase; to stop and seize with the hands

cause - v. to make happen; n. the thing or person that produces a result

ceasefire - n. a halt in fighting, usually by agreement

celebrate - v. to honor a person or event with special activities

cement – n. a grey powder which is mixed with water and sand to make mortar or with water, sand and small stones to make concrete

a bag of cement

a cement factory

center - n. the middle of something; the place in the middle; a place that is the main point of an activity

century - n. one hundred years

ceremony - n. an act or series of acts done in a special way established by tradition

chairman - n. a person leading a meeting or an organized group

champion - n. the best; the winner

chance - n. a possibility of winning or losing or that something will happen