A single year

April 10, 1988
Today is the day we are supposed to hear about Divine Mercy. Will they ask us or will they decide not to ask us. On the one hand we will be hurt very much if they decide not to ask us and yet, if they ask us we are not very sure we should accept. It certainly is not our first choice. The problem is that it may well be God's choice for us. If it is, of course we will accept.
I think we are open to doing what ever our God wants. I hope so.
I ask God our father to help us not be angry or bitter if they decide against us.
There is so much bitterness, ugliness, even anger present within our church. Young priests carrying labels for the rest of their priestly life and not allowed to function as real priests. Lay people being discriminated against because someone in authority somewhere has decided that laypeople are not as capable of pastoral leadership, as celibate priests.
I think in this mammoth leadership struggle our church is undergoing. The real losers are the people. Who cares about the people? Who cares for the people? The priests look after their bishops' holdings and the bishops look after the image of the diocese. Sisters are concerned with their state in the church. Maybe rightly so, but when anyone becomes more concerned about themselves than others, something is lost. Sisters and priests are about service. Service to each other and service to their God. Most of all they should be about service to the people of their God.
Sooner or later the people must be cared for. Now I want to be clear, I am not speaking of the people that contribute the most money or the people that do the most or the people that have the least. The word people is similar to the word neighbor. It is an all encompassing word. The people or God are the people that Jesus Christ is speaking of when he told us to love our neighbor as we love our self.
People knows no denomination, race or status. People is humanity. If you are alive ,you are my neighbor and I love you and more than that I have a responsibility to and for you. If you exist you are people. All people are people of God.
Who will care for the people?
That is the burden Linda and I have been given. The burden is the knowledge that no one is caring for the people and as hard as we try, we can not care for everyone.
It is not a burden to care for people. It is a great gift to be allowed to love people. When you love you feel a calling to take care of. Love is an action. This action is a gift but it is also a requirement. Because of who we are and who our God has called us to be„my wife and I find ourselves trying to survive within a structure that does not seem to want us. This structure is very uncomfortable with us because we have no choice but to call the structure itself to task for its failings. Because of our understanding of love and the love that created us, dwells within us and flows from us we are who we are. Perfect not in the wildest or even remotest of ways. Perfect? No way! The structure we love so much because of the truths that are essential to our life, seems to have forgotten how to love.
The structure has lost sight of who forms it.. The structure has lost touch with where it came from.
Is it time for the structure to close up and end? No! It is time for the structure to look at itself from outside. I do not think it capable of change from within. The change that is essential to it continuing as the structure of God and God's people will come from an infusion of the breath of God on it. This breath of God first has been breathed on to the place that God is ever present and that place is within each one of the people of God. The people of God will demand change and because of the strength of the Holy Spirit flowing from the people, change will happen.
Meanwhile what can I do? What can any one person do? The answer is at once nothing and everything.
The answer is nothing because you and I can create nothing. You and I are not capable of creation. When you and I decide to create watch out! The answer is not for you and I to be formulating plans to make changes. The answer is for you and I to do and be all that God asks us to do and be. And there is the second part of the answer. By doing and being all that we can do and be, we can do and be everything. Everything we worry and pray about and seem will be taken care of through our action of letting God work through us, through us and our willingly allowing God to use us not as we would like but as God pleases. Great and wonderful things will come to reality. You and I are powerful instruments of God. Remember God dwells within you and I. God is present in each of us always under all circumstance. If we can allow our need to become secondary to allowing God to work through us then everything is not only possible but probable.

April 11, 1988
Well, Devine Mercy rejected us. The reason given was so they could hire someone with more experience. The person they have offered the position to has a total of 5 years experience.
I did not even make it to the final 6 applicants for the job in Minnesota. They had over 50 applicants for the position of Parish Administrator.
God seems to be speaking very clearly.
What we are hearing may not be what he is really saying. I mean God is speaking clearly yet we are confusing our human hurt and pain with what it is God is saying.
Somehow we must stand firm
Somehow we must remain firm in our determination to be used any way God would like to use us.
This moment is hard. It is not unlike other moments in the past year we have had to handle. Each time we have rallied to our God.
Right now I am so tired. Linda is lost. How do I pick her up when I can not pick myself up?
We seem to be facing the reality that if we are who and what our God created, we are going to continue to be outcasts even from our own
How do we prevent ourselves from becoming even more bitter? How do we prevent this hurt and anger from overpowering us? What are we to do? .
At this point there seems to be only one thing we can do and that is to continue to believe. It is just that we are losing sight of what it is we believe.
Lord God there are times when I feel it just doesn't do any good to call on you for help. This is one of them and yet I can do nothing else except to say, Lord God please! Please Jesus help us! Please Wisdom, help us! Please Father help us. Mother of God and man please help us!
Please!
April l2, l988
When times are troubled and a man is given to worry, when a man has thought that he has placed his faith in doing and being all that his God had called of him, only to have the answer he was looking for taken way,
well, then
a man might just think that he had misplaced his trust - especially if that man had been in turmoil for a while.
Yet I wonder
is this the time for that man to give up what he believes, or is this the time for that man to really find his faith.
I mean
if this man is finally trusting in a true God, if this man has put his past aside forever, if this man really believes in his God, and his God's love
it would seem
that now is the time for this man to stand tall.

Now is the time for this man to take on what his God is asking.

Now is the time not to give in to weakness, fear.

Most especially now is the time not to give up.

And so,
even if things get worse and it seems they might, that can not be the determining factor.

When God sees your determination to be faithful, God will come to this man's side and lift him up.

The answer is,
Only put your faith and trust in the loving Lord Creator God.

Commit your being to this God's service and,

most of all,
allow yourself to be loved by your God!

April 13; 1988
There is the peace of aftermath present this day.

It is the lightness of knowing that somehow it will be ok. It is the peace of knowing you did the best you could, while it would seem you came up short again.

Somehow you know your God will take care of everything.
I hope this peace is not resignation of acceptance, because that would be a most terrible thing. You did the best you could and you stood firm in faith. I hope this peace is the inner strength of your God within, giving you the strength to be ready for what comes next.
Not knowing what comes next is indeed a frightful thing. Saying it does not matter and meaning it, different things. Of course what comes next matters a great deal. It also matters that you are willing to try to do whatever it is that is asked of you by your God.
This God you love and who loves you even more, sees your trusting faith and will not turn away from you. Doubt asks how you are to know this is true. Your humanity knows not how to answer the darkness of doubt, you just know your God is there for you!
Doubt bears down in darkness and you tremble in fear, for a moment you consider the dark night of doubt. For a moment the weakness of fear overwhelms your being. Then the strength of the love of your God overpowers all fear, once more you are strong enough to face the moment.
For right this moment , that is all you can ask  

The strength to believe and know that you are not lost. There will be more deep dark dreary doubts and fear, the breath of God has breathed on you a new being, and, in the breath of God you will find the strength you'll need 

Each and every time!

April 14, 1988
The aftermath of peace seems always to be explosion. Such explosions always seem to come when least expected. Usually the trigger to this type of explosion is tiny. The big things have been handled and the tiny is unexpected. There was such an explosion yesterday in this house.
It was short angry and most horrible and came from nowhere, the nowhere it came from was the depression of reality. Once more there was rejection in the most personal of ways. Rejection had come from ones who knew us intimately. We thought we had dealt with this as best we could, yet in retrospect, this was the real cause of the explosion.
The aftermath or the explosion left us even more tired. Drained we fell into each other and drained we slept. Sleep is good but sleep in the middle of the day is not. This sleep was the dark night of drained depression. Wisdom came and told us not to give up but to get up. Wisdom came and seems to have lifted us on to our feet.
And so we will continue on but to where will we journey? What will we do for food, money, a car and hope? Because we are who we are, we'll continue to ask God to help. The real question is how long will our God leave us on this road, when will our God come and rescue us from this dark night. We believe it will be soon but it is a belief tied to need.
We would rather believe because we choose to believe.

We have chosen to believe and we have not turned away.

We have been steadfast in our trust and strong of heart.

We are now so very tired, the dark has crowded out the light.

It is time for us to be clear in that the light still shines.

It is time also for the light to overcome the dark.

Please Lord hear our prayer!

April 15, 1988
I am trying not to feel abandoned and alone.

I am trying to cling tightly to my strong faith in God.

I am trying to find a way to make everything work out.
and the bottom line is,
I feel that nothing I do is going to matter.

Things are just totally out of control and I am lost.

My spirit climbs up and screams at me not to give up.

My very soul wants to get up and climb out from this pit

I have climbed up prom so many pits in the year gone by.

I keep climbing up and out and the more honest I am - the deeper the next pit is and I am pushed back down. How many times can I get up and when do I stop trying?

There is a part of me that says I will never quit.

There is a part of me that says I am not just ok -  but indeed I am really special and I am fine.

There is a part of me also though that says I see what you've caused. You see I am beginning to have no choice but to believe that I am the one causing all my troubles.
My spirit cries out strongly and says in no uncertain way, no, who do I think I am that I could be solely responsible -  do I have the power of creation? Did I ever create anything? Perhaps in a moment of human weakness I dwelled in darkness, but did I cause the darkness? Come on, who do I think I am, my spirit reminds me I exist only to serve my God.
If I have stumbled in the service of my God, I am human. God is not and will not punish me for falling. God will not abandon me in the darkness of a pit. It is the hand of God reaching out to me each time   I have managed to stand up after being flat on my back.

My only question is when will the hand of God keep me upright?

Lord God I am so tired or stumbling and falling.

Lord God I am so tired of making mistakes.

Lord God I am so tired of having to get up from being down.

Lord God I am trying to do your will and not mine.

Lord God I am willing to do your will and not mine.

Lord God is this constant falling and getting up  is this the only I am to be allowed to serve you?

So if it is, Lord God, I want to say, so be it.

I really want not only to say it, but to mean it.

I just do not think I can, so have I failed you again?

O Lord God, I hope not, I just need to have things even out some. I know I must be a disappointment, O God, I am sorry.

I have wanted to be your chosen servant all my life. Ever since that first time you spoke to me. I have loved you and you would not have spoken to me if you did not love me. You have given me so much and am so very thankful. It seems I need even more and am ashamed to ask. I feel I should be able to say whatever you want fine.

Even now a part of me cries out to you, do with me as you will. I accept what you have in store for me. I accept it without fear because I know you will take care of me. I know this because you have always taken care of me. I want you to know God, I tremble as I write this. Yet God I do write it and I do mean it. I am so very tired Lord please send your very breath. Breathe on me and infuse me with the you I know is in me.

O loving Lord my very own God, I accept your will.

O loving Lord, come to my aid and strengthen me.

O loving Lord God, I adore you and I exist to do your will.

O loving Lord God, please come and show me clearly the way.

Do not turn me loose for my way would not lead me to you.

Hold me close and physically put me where you would have me.

My humanity is weak but my faith and trust in you,
O God
is firm!


April 16, 1988
Surprised and very pleased and excited were Linda and myself yesterday when the mail arrived. St. Nicholas in North Pole, Alaska sent us a package containing information about their community. It seems Linda and I are a finalist for the position of DRE and Youth Minister. We are to be interviewed by telephone this coming Thursday night around 9 pm.
Our spirits are high and we are full of hope. Yet, what if they do not like us either, we have been turned down by so many people now, we are almost afraid to hope.
Maybe this is the clear sign from our God we have been waiting for. Maybe not.
Our prayer 'remains the same and you know what it is. Lord God, whatever you want, we will try to do. Just do not turn us loose. Please give us the strength we need.
Please take care of us.
We have not heard from Nikki since Easter. We are worried about her. Lord, loving Lord God, please let Nikki be fine. Please take care of her and let us hear from her.
We love you and need you Lord. Thank you for being our God.


April 17, 1988
I led the singing at the 10 am mass this morning. Father McCarthy was the Celebrant. He must know how hurt Linda and I are that he did not offer us the job at Devine Mercy. When I offered him the kiss of peace at mass, I offered it with love, I did not lie. I love him and I wish him well. It is just as true I am still very hurt at the way in which Father used us in his search for a DRE at Devine Mercy.
Thank you God for letting Nikki seem to be ok. Linda called her early this morning, I just wanted to hear her voice and know she was alright.
Linda and I are trying to be so casual about the interview next Thursday for the job in Alaska. The truth is we are so desperate to have someone somewhere want us to come and serve as ministers. We are trying not to pray to God specifically for this job. Lord I think you probably know what is in our heart though. We really need someone to ask us to come to work.
If it be your will Lord please let it happen soon. Please, Lord, you know our need.
I enjoyed leading the singing this morning. Thank you.
O Wisdom come and dwell in Linda and me in all things.
Amen!


April 18, 1988
One more day has passed this way.

One more day has passed and I am still here.

One less day until I know what I am to do.

I spent this day trying to be all I am.

That is not such a bad way to be.
But is it really true? I mean, how'd I do?

Did I really try to be all I could be all day log?

Or did I just go along with the day and hope it'd soon pass away?

I hope that I did not do that, just go along, but in retrospect, it is possible.

You know, you see, most of the time most of us seem to just be. In fact there are definite times when going along seems to be the most practical thing one could do. But often it also seems we go along hen we should not. Often we seem to be afraid to do anything else. Who wants to be different and risk ridicule or job loss? Who cares if something is right or wrong   so long as it does not cause me a personal problem? Has this ever been your attitude? It has been mine. All I know is when I think about what I am doing at that time, I try to do and be the best I can.
When I am aware of what I am doing and that isn't so often, but when I am aware of my actions, I try to be all I can be.
I suppose that is something and I can take a measure of pride, like I said before, I do not seem to be all that aware all that often and sometimes I do not seem to want to be aware. Lord God, I ask you to forgive me and lift me up.
Lord God I ask you to hold me so close that I can feel you present. I am like a child that knows better but does wrong anyways. Only, Lord, I know what is right and what is wrong. It is just often I close my eyes and pretend not to see. Open my eyes Lord and help me to be the man you created. Give me wisdom and direct my every action.
Let me be a servant you can be proud of, my Lord.

Show me where I can best serve you and take me there.

Do not let me wander by myself for that is just what I'll do. The one thing I do not need to do right now, Lord, is wander. I have guided my steps long enough and I have gotten lost, you, O Lord, have found me and rescued me.
I was not found to become lost once more. So here I am Lord, ready and willing. Use me as you wish, if you hold on tight enough, I can not get lost.

And, Lord, that is what I am depending on.

Through you Lord, I can be better than I am.

In you Lord, I will be better than I have been.

Through your redeeming love, Lord, I will be all I was
created to be!

April 19, 1988

When one is busy, the devil has trouble interfering. When one is idle, the devil almost always is present. It is not the idleness that invites the devil. There are times when it is necessary for one to be still, resting is not to be construed as being idle.

It is the wondering with no specific purpose in mind.

It is the mind that has been searching with no answer.

It is the lazy mind, the mind that delights in being lost.

It is looking in the wrong places for the wrong answers.

It is the one who desires right but puts himself - in places that he knows right will not be.

This is who the devil rejoices in and finds quickly.

How do I know all of the above?

Only because I am he who has opened his being to the devil.

I know of putting myself in wrong places.

I know how easy it is to do wrong even when it was not my intent.

I know first hand of trying to remain faithful in evil places.

Understand now I am not bragging about this knowledge. In fact I am most ashamed and often angry of my knowledge, because having such knowledge means I have failed often.

I also know of the unending love of my creator God. This God has never given up on me and will never do so. It is only because of God's unending love for me that I have found the strength to rise up again and again. It is only through his love I will find the strength to overcome myself and to be more than I thought possible. And I will be all that I can be for to be less   is not an acceptable alternative, nothing is.
It is through God dwelling within me in infinite love, that I can be the man God would have me be. I have been given wisdom to know what is right and wrong. I do not see through cloudy and dark eyes. I see through eyes of wisdom bathed in brightness of light.
One of the ways to keep from falling again is to avoid that which might induce my falling. With eyes open wide to see, I now look for holes to avoid. Sometimes I step into one hole trying to avoid another. God sees and knows that I am trying to avoid them all. Because of my humanity that would not seem to be possible. It not only is possible, but absolutely necessary - that I try to avoid them all and am trying.
This time I am in now in a hole I would most like to avoid. My only purpose to prayerfully await an answer from my God. I sit, pray, and try not to misinterpret my God's message. I am waiting as patiently as I can what it is God is saying. With eyes and ears open wide, I pray for the wisdom to find purpose. I am afraid, not of what my God might say, I am afraid of myself and that I will hear the devil's panic. I am afraid I will mistake the devil's voice for my God's voice. I am afraid of making the mistake of poor judgment. Waiting like this opens one's mind to the ever waiting devil.
O Lord God see my failing strength and send, help. Speak to me in words even I can not misunderstand. Be so clear, Lord, that I will have no choice but to listen and do.
This is my prayer. Amen.

April 20, 1988
Another day to try to be all one can be.

Another day to listen to hear God's word.

Once more I am having trouble focusing on what I am to do. It seems that even though I greatly fear this road am now upon, it is a road I must travel.
I cannot stand having nothing specifically to do. I know I am here for a real and special reason, whatever that reason is. I accept and find hope in it. It is just not knowing just what that reason is that has led me to the confused state I am in.
I sense I am waiting for something good to happen. While I am waiting for good, something bad keeps happening. To be honest not everything that has happened was bad, and the Lord God has taken care of us so far. Why can I not just expect him to continue to do that.
I feel as though I should be doing something. I am afraid or becoming so dependant on my fellow man, I forget how to care for myself or others. Yet I know I cannot return to what and who I used to be. Wisdom has forever prevented me from going back.
I am glad for that wisdom which has come to dwell in me. My eyes are more open than I ever hoped. There must be a way for me to serve this wisdom, a way I can provide an honest living for my family, and this way will be serving my loving Lord God.
Patience is long and tedious and not easy at all. To be deliberately patient means running the risk of seeming to be confused and not understanding. It is when you are most confused and tired that the devil comes bringing doubts, playing on your inner most fears, offering sin.
The devil has found me to be easy prey in my past.

The devil has found me to be not as easy now.

The devil knows my weakness and offers it as candy.

The devil knows I dearly love candy and blinds me with evil. Wisdom reveals the candy to be a destructive disastrous pathway.

The loving Lord God fills me with strength I did not know. This strength reminds me I am here with purpose. Right now my purpose is to wait and to be open to my God. That is the focus of who and what I am right now. That is my only purpose at this moment!
So today I know that the devil will tempt me. I know that this temptation will come when I least expect. I know that there is the chance I might fall once more. I also know wisdom will be here in me helping me to know and guiding me to do what it is I am here for.
I call on this wisdom now before I am tempted. I ask of you, O Wisdom, strengthen me before the battle. Stay with me when the battle begins and do not desert me. Help me to remain steadfast until the Lord has prepared the place where I am to do something else.