Ephesians

Submit to One Another…

The great paradox of the Christian life is that the more we focus on fulfilling ourselves, the emptier we become. That is a fundamental (but widely ignored!) law of life. That is why so many people in our society are asking the wrong question: “How can I get what I want so I can be fulfilled?” People who get what they want usually find that it doesn’t fulfill as they thought it would. It is only when we forget ourselves and devote ourselves to the fulfillment of others that we find our own hearts brimming with grace, peace, and satisfaction.

A billionaire was once asked how much money it takes to be happy. His answer: “Just a little bit more.” That’s the deception of self-fulfillment—even more than enough is never enough. We cannot fulfill ourselves by seeking our own happiness. We only attain happiness by giving happiness away to others. Our Lord put it this way: “For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it” (Matthew 16:25). And, “But seek first his [the heavenly Father’s] kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Matthew 6:33).

It becomes, then, a question of priority. What is the right way to find fulfillment? If we are Christians, we must face honestly and thoughtfully this pronouncement of our Lord that life is so constructed that if we try to find it we will never do so. You cannot have your rights by insisting upon them. You can have them only when you seek to give another person his rights. The person who loves and does not think of himself finds himself. The one who is constantly seeking is always cheated.

Do we dare to test the truth of our Lord’s paradoxical pronouncement? Do we dare to test the validity of this radical, revolutionary principle right where we live?

The problem is not that we have not known it, but that we do not act on it. We acknowledge it as true. We nod our heads when we hear these words of Christ. But when it comes to a specific situation where someone is cutting across our pathway and we find ourselves in the direct, head-on collision—our wants, our needs, our ego, our goals, our rights—we revert to the old basis by which the world lives: “I demand my rights!” The result is bitterness and division.

But Paul gives us the solution: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Do we dare to try it? Do we dare to apply this solution in the laboratory of life?

A true story: A Christian couple moved into their dream house. They had not been in their house more than a day when the new homeowner was confronted by his next-door neighbor in the yard. The neighbor screamed and threatened him because of some minor inconvenience. He threatened to take the Christian family to court if he was ever inconvenienced again.

Too shocked and disheartened to make any response, the Christian man trudged back inside and told his wife what all the yelling was about. “It seems our dream house came with one little drawback,” she glumly reflected, “a very cantankerous neighbor.”

“Honey, what are we going to do?” asked the man. “We wanted to live here the rest of our lives, but how can we live next to a man like that?”

His first (and completely natural) response was to want nothing to do with the cantankerous neighbor. Don’t antagonize him, don’t even speak to him—just cut him off. “Well,” said his wife, “why don’t we pray about it?” So they prayed.

A day or so later, the wife was baking a pie, and it occurred to her to make an extra pie for her neighbor. She baked it and, at lunch time, she took it over to the neighbor’s house. She rang the doorbell with fear and trembling. The door opened, and it was the wife of the cantankerous neighbor—and she looked even less friendly than her husband! Her face was set in hard, unyielding lines, and she said, “What do you want?”

The Christian woman tried to put a perky, joyful note in her voice as she said, “I was baking pies today, and I thought of you so I baked you this pie.” The neighbor lady took it, mumbled a thank-you, and went back inside.

About an hour later the phone rang. It was the wife of the cantankerous neighbor. Her voice sounded animated and pleased. “How did you know that was my husband’s favorite pie? He loves lemon meringue!”

And the Christian lady had an inspiration. “Well, that’s wonderful!” she said. “Why don’t you both come over to dinner tomorrow night?”

The neighbor lady seemed shocked. “Well—I’ll ask my husband.” She soon called back and said, “Yes, we’d love to come over.”

Over the next few weeks, these two couples became good friends and the once-cantankerous neighbor and his wife began coming to church with the Christian couple. That is what God wants to do with our conflicts. That is what He can do when we submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

…Out of Reverence for Christ

That brings us to our motivation for mutual submission in our relationships. As Christians, we must never forget that, in every relationship of life, another Person is present. Our conflicts are never just a matter of husband versus wife, parent versus child, boss versus employee, pastor versus parishioner, church member versus church member, neighbor versus neighbor. There is always a third Person present: the Lord Jesus Christ. To a worldling who does not recognize the universal presence of Christ, the primary concern is, “What I want versus what you want.” To the Christian, the primary concern is the lordship of Jesus Christ.

So here is the second half of the solution. The great issue for the Christian must never be, “What I want versus what you want,” but “What does Christ want me to do?”

Notice that, in the verses that follow Ephesians 5:21, Paul will place Christ at the center of every relationship and every conflict, again and again:

Ephesians 5:22: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.”

Ephesians 5:25: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

Ephesians 6:1: Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”

Ephesians 6:4: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

Ephesians 6:5: “Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ.”

Ephesians 6:9: “And masters, treat your slaves in the same way. Do not threaten them, since you know that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and there is no favoritism with him.”

In each of these relationships, the apostle reminds us that we do not face those relationships alone. Christ is in the midst of all our relationships—and all our conflicts. If we do not recognize His presence, then we cannot submit ourselves to one another. If we do not see Christ alongside us in our conflicts, we see only the adversarial relationship, me versus you. Pride immediately gets in the way, blocking communication and compromise, stiffening our stubborn determination to win at all costs.

“Let him back down first!” demands one. “Let her apologize first!” insists the other. When neither side moves off-center, the stage is set for war.

But when we see Christ, the One who gave His life to end the conflict between humanity and God, the One who reconciled us to God when we were sinners, then we realize that we owe everything to Him—including our submission and humility. Then we can step aside, we can back down—if not for the sake of the other person, then at least for the sake of Jesus, in response to the love and forgiveness He has given us.

When we insist on satisfying the urges within ourselves for self-justification or vindication, then those urges become our god. We have idolized the self. But if we obey Christ, we prove that He is our God. So our responsibility is to obey Him—our Lord and our God. We become willing to mutually submit ourselves because, as Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 5:14, “Christ’s love compels us.”