"Let’s Fix The Kids!" A parenting Resource Manual by

The courage to change the things I can,

That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with

Him forever in the next.

Are you an A.C.A.?

Following are some typical behavioral patterns for ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS

? they have to guess at what is normal;

? they have difficulty in following a project through, beginning to end;

? they often lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth;

? they judge themselves without mercy;

? it’s very difficult for them to ever have any fun;

? they take themselves very seriously and have difficulty with intimate relationships;

? they overreact to changes over which they have no control;

? they constantly seek approval and affirmation;

? they feel that they are different from other people;

? they are either super responsible or super irresponsible;

? they are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved;

? they look for immediate rather than deferred gratification;

? they lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious thought to alternative behaviors or possible consequences;

? they seek tension and crisis constantly, then complain about the results;

? they avoid conflict or aggravate it, rarely do they deal with it;

? they fear both rejection and abandonment, yet reject others; they fear failure, but sabotage their own success time after time;

? they fear criticism and judgment, yet they criticize and judge others;

? they manage their time poorly and do not set priorities in a way that works well for them.

What Should I Feel?

Children who come out of obsessive/compulsive or otherwise dysfunctional homes need to understand that:

? life should have choices beyond just mere surviving;

? we have a right to say “no” to anything if we feel that we are not ready or that it is unsafe;

? our lives should not be motivated by fear;

? we have a right to all of our feelings and that we need not feel guilty about everything;

? we have a right to make mistakes and we don’t have to smile when we cry;

? a healthy person realizes he has a right to terminate conversations or relationships with people who make him feel put down and humiliated;

? we don’t have to put up with that kind of life, that it is okay to be healthier than those around us;

? sometimes it is okay to be relaxed, to play and to even be frivolous, just to have fun, to goof off;

? we do not have to stay sick; we have the right to change;

? we need to establish our boundaries, to set limits for ourselves and those around us;

? sometimes it is necessary to be what other people call “selfish” in order to protect ourselves.;

? it is okay to be angry at someone we love and that we have a responsibility and a right to take care of ourselves no matter where we are or whatever relationship we may find ourselves in;

? our primary responsibility must be to keep ourselves healthy.

Chapter 9

Introduction

To

Personality

Do families affect personality?

Our families constitute the single most important influence in our lives. We are born into a position of specific rank and gender, and we learn to adapt to the demands of our particular position and the specific relationships we have with our siblings. We also transfer or generalize our experience within the family to all social situations outside of the family. New relationships are more enduring and successful the more closely they resemble our earlier family relationships. Following is a typical summary of the most common characteristics of people born into each order of birth and some gender (sex) differences. Note: generally true, certainly not absolute!

Are you a male only child?

This gender/birth order combination relates to older people in positions of authority, seeks their approval, and matures rapidly. He may feel that life should meet his needs. He easily assumes leadership, and prefers a motherly woman.

Are you one of two brothers?

Each brother is prepared for contact with the same sex, but not with the opposite sex. Older brother is prepared to lead and be responsible. He sets a good example and likes order and regimentation. Younger brother has learned to imitate, compete, sometimes oppose, but he doesn’t mind being subordinate. He wants friends, has a need to be appreciated and understood and can be daring, bold, fresh and willing to risk.

Are you the brother of a sister?

The older brother of a sister learns how to get along with women and is not overly interested in male friends. He enjoys work and can assume leadership but is no tyrant. The younger brother of a sister is the one whom women are anxious to take care of. He feels privileged, does not take orders well, is very ambitious, seeks help from others, and is least interested in male friends.

Are you a female only child?

A female only child depends on the attention of older people, wanting to be cared for and protected. She leans on superiors, is spoiled, egocentric, and likes girl friends if they will mother her.

Are you one of two sisters?

The older sister likes to take care of things and give orders. She is tough, enduring, strict, efficient, and straight forward. Relationships with other women are important, and many men are discouraged from courting her. The younger sister loves change and excitement, is vivacious, moody and capricious. The younger sister also seeks guidance but can be stubborn if approached wrong. She is influenced by other people and can exert influence over men but they may tire of her.

Are you the sister of a brother?

The older sister of a brother is independent, strong and loves to take care of men. She likes to appear superior at work, is optimistic and rarely discouraged. Women do not interest her much and she cannot bear solitude. The younger sister of a brother is most attractive to men; she is feminine, sensitive, and tactful. She is not ambitious or easily discouraged but she also suffers and mourns with dedication. This person is influenced by men but girlfriends do not play an important role in her life.

Are you a first born?

First borns have strong powers of concentration and it is hard for them to play or vacation. They are immaculate housekeepers, mentally disciplined, dogged and precision minded. They are self-critical, get much glory, usually are good leaders (baby-sitters), strict disciplinarians, and demanding. They are raised by first time parents who are perfectionistic and pushy and usually insist on superior performance. They are the family “guinea pig” because everything is a “first”. First borns walk, talk and have a large vocabulary, and read earlier because of attention and parental coaching. They are often not allowed to be children, “We expect more from you because you are the oldest!” Therefore they grow up too fast. (Also, see NOTE #1, page 353.)

Are you an only child?

Although the “lonely only” is accustomed to adults and gets along well with them, he has all of the “hang-ups” of the first-born in addition to the following:

Only children have difficult relationships because parents dump tons of attention and special favors on them and they feel they are the centers of the universe. They therefore become self-centered early (sometimes known as the “special jewel phenomenon”) and seek attention. Often they appear to have it all together and to be cool, conforming and calm, while below the surface of their confident facade they are seething with inner rebellion and resentment. (Also, see NOTE #2, page 356.)

What about the middle born?

Children born in the middle are the hardest to define. Some characteristics are mediator, negotiator, fewest pictures in the family album, maverick, avoider of conflict, independent, very loyal to peer group, and having many friends. They feel “squeezed out” of the family and often leave home first to find real companionship outside the home. Older siblings have broken the trail so they have to try harder for recognition. Middle borns feel they were born too late for privileges and too soon to get the attention the “baby” gets. (Also, see NOTE #3, page 356.)

Are you a last born?

Also known as the little prince, cub, brat, or mascot; last borns are insulated from parents and given more slack. Parents are now more realistic and less demanding. Of course these children tend to be spoiled; learning to use guile and cunning to survive. Not very organized or ambitious, last borns are manipulative, charming, blameful of others, show-offs, good salesmen, precocious, engaging, entertaining, friendly, outgoing, and lovers of the limelight. (Also, see NOTE #4, page 357.)

Why are kids in the same

family so different?

Even if children were somehow born with the exact same personality into the same home, they would each be raised in a unique situation. They would all be treated differently, first to last, because the parents would be learning and changing their parenting techniques with each child. Their situations would also differ because of a different birth order which determines whether they had two younger, two older, or one older and one younger sibling. Each person is most affected by the person just ahead of him, with the first born being most affected by the parents. A six year span between siblings is about the upper limit for impacting each other.

What are the two types

of conflicts?

They are rank and gender. In marriage for instance, rank conflicts are the result of husband and wife occupying the same position of rank (both oldest, or youngest, etc.). Gender conflicts are the result of not having been raised with a sibling of the opposite sex. Relationships can be graded according to their inherent conflict and (as judged by divorce rates) gender and rank are statistically correlated to marital success.

A totally complementary marriage would be an older brother of sister(s) marrying the younger sister of brother(s). Each of the parties has experienced similar rank and gender roles in his or her family of origin. The most conflictual marriage is that of two “only” children. Next in order of conflict would be identical rank partners with no opposite gender siblings, for example the oldest brother of brothers and the oldest sister of sisters.

How does all of this

affect parenting?

Sibling position has a profound effect on how a person deals with spouses and children. Basic lifestyles are formed in sibling roles which lead to parents who are strict, controlling, egocentric, permissive, needy, etc. It is important to assess the specific conflicts in parent-to-parent and parent-to-child relationships. For example, consider the stress in a relationship between a father, who was the oldest of brothers and his oldest child who is a daughter. There is likely to be conflict over authority, and dad certainly does not want to be mothered by “big sister” (his daughter).

Does this affect my marriage?

Sibling position in our families of origin, as well as whether or not we had the opportunity to live with a sibling of the opposite sex can greatly affect our attitudes and capabilities in marriage. If a husband grew up with sisters (or a wife grew up with brothers) it is an advantage in the marriage; if not, it is a disadvantage (gender conflict). If marital partners were the same rank (younger or older) as children, it is a disadvantage (rank conflict). Therefore a marriage can be conflictual in three ways:

? If the husband had no sisters ( first gender conflict)

? If the wife had no brothers (second gender conflict)

? If both the husband and wife were older or younger siblings (rank conflict)

The chart at the end of this chapter shows the number of possible rank and/or sex conflicts in each marital combination. Because they have no siblings “only” children are classified as oldest brother or sister.

NOTE: The two marital combinations which have no rank or sex conflict are:

1. Older brother of sisters who marries younger sister of brothers, and

2. Older sister of brothers who marries younger brother of sisters.

What is the "Color Code"?

Of all the different personality theories or models I have used, The Color Code by Taylor Hartman, Ph.D., has been the simplest and most useful. In the thousands of families who have properly used The Color Code, there has often been, what could only be considered, miraculous improvement.

Some of the concepts and theories found in The Color Code are ancient and simple, but the manner in which Dr. Hartman has organized and presented them makes the message powerful and easy to learn. Each type of personality has strengths and weaknesses and is identified with a color. The charts on the following pages give a brief outline of some of the information related to parenting which his book presents.

NOTE: You cannot take full advantage of this information until you completely understand it. We therefore strongly recommend that you purchase a copy of this book, The Color Code at a bookstore or by contacting, “Let’s Fix the Kids!” to purchase a copy.

Color Code Personalities

Reds Blues Whites Yellows

WANT: WANT: WANT: WANT:

POWER INTIMACY PEACE FUN

NEED TO: NEED TO: NEED TO: NEED TO:

Look good Be moral Feel good Look good

Be right Be understood Be independent Be popular

Be respected Be appreciated Be respected Be noticed

Get approval Be accepted Be accepted Get approval

ARE: ARE: ARE: ARE:

Logical Loyal Independent Charismatic

Confident Reliable Diplomatic Eager

Practical Sincere Easygoing Happy

Decisive Creative Tolerant Fun

Determined Respectful Inventive Outgoing

Responsible Disciplined Kind Trusting

Powerful Sensitive Patient Optimistic

AND ALSO: AND ALSO: AND ALSO: AND ALSO:

Impatient Unrealistic Uninvolved Impulsive

Insensitive Moody Unsure Rebellious

Contentious Unforgiving Lazy Undisciplined

Arrogant Suspicious Stubborn Disorganized

Selfish Self-righteous Reluctant Uncommitted

Bossy Critical Boring Unreliable

Critical Depressed Indecisive Obnoxious

AS A PARENT

RED BLUE WHITE YELLOW

Obvious Leader Promotes School Calm in Crisis Enthusiastic

Excellent Provider Excellent Trainer Takes  Time  with  Kids Not Too Serious

Good Direction Empathic Gentle Promotes Fun

Takes Responsibility Devoted Accepts Differences Natural Toucher

Promotes Activity Self-Sacrificing Slow to Anger Fun To Be With

Good Decisiveness Clean Home Agreeable with Kids No Judgment

AS A CHILD

RED BLUE WHITE YELLOW

Communicates Behaves Very Agreeable Playful

Independent Wants to Be Good Not Demanding Accepting

Courageous Sensitive to Others Accepts Life Social Animal

Takes Charge Loyal...Regardless Plays By Self Visual Learner

Resilient Loves Learning Accommodating Love Hugs/Kisses

Confident Disciplined Verbally Patient Inquisitive

AS A SPOUSE

RED BLUE WHITE YELLOW

Very Protective Relationship First Tolerant of Exciting

Loyal Considers Spouse     Tardiness Creative Intimacy

Responsible     in Decisions Loyal/Committed Enjoys Unusual

Reliable High Intimacy     to Relationship Few “Strings”

Initiator Loyal Accepting of Few Expectations

Interesting Appropriate     Spousal Values Accepts Change

Appendix to Chapter 9

NOTE #1 - First Borns

If first borns marry, typically their first child gets a heavy overdose of “perfectionism” dumped on them. Although birth order is very influential, it is not deterministic; we can overcome the disadvantages of birth order. Rules typically relax as each child is born. Unrealistic expectations are lowered as “reality” sets in after raising the older children. As parents, first borns tend to be strict, organized, rule oriented, controlling, overprotective, hypervigilant, perfectionistic, demanding and critical.

If you are a first born, here are some hints:

1. Don’t get overly involved; take small bites.

2. Learn to say NO and stick to it; you can’t do everything.

3. Your parents’ expectations were unrealistic; perfectionism is slow suicide.

4. Keep a sense of humor; don’t take yourself too seriously.

The two crises of the first born are their perfectionistic super parents and the threat of dethroning by younger siblings. To help your first born, try the following suggestions:

1. Give up perfectionistic and unrealistic expectations.

2. Be consistent; they must understand the rules and limits.

3. Recognize their rank as oldest; along with the extra responsibilities give extra recognition and privilege.

4. Don’t take advantage of them as the instant or permanent baby-sitter.

5. Remember, they are more sensitive to criticism...STOP IT!

When the first child is born parents are anxious but joyful. This experience changes the parents so that the second and later children are raised by a “different set” of parents. Consider the following:

ANGER: Parents seem more angry, hostile, irritable, critical, and verbally aggressive with the first child.

FEAR and CAUTION: Parents are more anxious, interfering and restrictive with the first born. They project this over-anxious view of the world onto their child. However, due to ignorance and the lack of experience, sometimes they are less protective about some things.

STUBBORNNESS: Inexperienced parents are not very consistent, therefore the child learns how to “beat the system” and get his own way. More first borns run away, rebel, and drop out.

CONSCIENCE: Parents project their values more onto first borns and “only” children. They are required to be the family standard bearers and conform more to parental views and standards than the other children. First born children see their fathers as strict, authoritarian, demanding, aggressive, and punishing.

SCHOLASTIC ACHIEVEMENT: Although they are not more intelligent as a group than the rest of us, first born children receive so much parental attention that they score highest among us in verbal skill. This special attention gives them a decided edge at school and results in higher grades throughout their schooling except in math, because most parents do not usually communicate with their children in mathematical concepts.

ATTITUDES ABOUT ACHIEVEMENT: First borns also have higher needs for achievement than later born siblings (who are generally more interested in relationships with other people than just “achieving”).

NOTE: An overwhelmingly large proportion of first borns have obsessive/compulsive personality disorders. In other words, the tremendous pressures, expectations and demands (plus criticism and perfectionism) place an intolerable load on them. In an effort to survive and endure, first borns often adopt obsessive/compulsive behaviors (including addictive types) as coping mechanisms (ego defense strategies).

Common First Born Characteristics

? full parental attention

? parentalized

? tough

? suffer injustices

? enjoy power and authority.

? confident of ability

? ask lots of questions

? want all the answers

? “little adults”

? feel lots of pressure

? dress neatly

? orderly

? supporters of law

? believe in authority.

? driven to success

? thrive in school

? organized

? highly motivated to achieve

? pacesetters

? family standard bearers

? perfectionistic

? reliable

? very conscientious

? “superstars”

? list makers

? serious

? goal-oriented achievers

? self-sacrificing

? people-pleasers

? legalistic

? loyal

? can’t waste time

? self-reliant

? color-coordinated

? like law and structure

? high expectation

? need to be on time

? very serious

? love being in control

? analytical

? don’t like surprises

? get tons of attention

? want to have it “all figured out”

? feel they are on center stage

? rebel if parents are too pushy

? overprotected

? uptight

? anxious

? tentative

? inconsistent

? strong need for parental approval

? hate mistakes

? must do a lot of work

? held responsible for example

? must protect younger siblings

? dependable

? taken advantage of by mom

? eternal baby-sitters

NOTE #2 - The “Only” Child

“Only” children often claim that they had no childhood because they always felt like adults. Conservative, reliable, perfectionistic, critical, serious, scholarly and cautious are all words that apply if you precede each one with “super”. How do they feel inside? They feel inferior, not up-to-par, inadequate, not able to live up to parent and self-imposed unrealistic expectations and standards. In fact, “onlys” can feel so inferior that they battle it their whole lives, often with self-defeating behaviors. Sometimes they act like first borns but they also have characteristics associated with the last born, or baby of the family; something of a Jekyll and Hyde.

Sometimes they act like adults, very much in charge and extremely adept at handling adult situations. Inside however, they are scared, rebellious, and angry because they have been so spoiled and pampered. Ultra perfectionistic, they feel things must be just so or they get anxious and blow. They are very impatient with others who do not perform. Things must be done RIGHT!

What does an unhappy perfectionist do? Two possible directions:

1. they become rescuers, codependent (developing a “nurse mentality”) or

2. they become critical of self and the world, cold-blooded and objective.

Some “onlys” become “flaw finders” addicted to searching eternally for the “cowpies” in the pastures of life. They are selfish because they never had to learn to share, take turns, or wait for others. Stuttering is sometimes a problem because the fear of making a mistake is so great that it impedes the natural ability to speak. They are constantly putting things off (becoming master procrastinators). Things never get finished because they can’t get it perfect. These “onlys” have been known to stay up until 2:00 a.m. looking for a ten cent error in the checkbook.