Saint Anthony Mary Claret

62. With regard to manufacturing, I had become adept not only in design²⁸³ but also in presetting looms. Some workers asked me to do them the favor of setting up their looms because they were not skilled at it. I helped them and they respected and liked me for it.

63. News of the technical ability the Lord had given me spread through Barcelona. This moved some gentlemen to call on my father to ask him what he thought of our forming a company and starting our own factory. My father found the idea very attractive, as it would mean growth for his own factory. He talked with me about it, pointing out the advantages and possible fortune it might bring me.

64. But how mysterious are God’s ways,²⁸⁴ for although I really enjoyed manufacturing and had made considerable progress in it, I couldn't make up my mind. I felt an inner repugnance for settling down and also for causing my father to contract any further liabilities on my behalf. I told him that I thought the time was not ripe, that I was still very young, and that because I was so short of stature, the workers wouldn't take orders from me. He told me not to be concerned about that because someone else could handle the workers and I would only be involved in the directorship of the business. I continued to decline, however, saying that we would consider the matter later but that just now I didn't wish to accept. My decision proved to be truly providential. This was the first time I had ever opposed my father's plans. The reason, of course, was that God willed something else for me: He wanted me to be a priest, not a businessman, although at the time such ideas never entered my head.²⁸⁵

65. My life at this time was an embodiment of what the Gospel says about the thorns choking the good grain.²⁸⁶ My ceaseless preoccupation with machines, looms, and creations had so obsessed me that I could think of nothing else. My God, how patient you were with me! Oh Virgin Mary, there were even times when I forgot you! Mercy, my Mother!

Chapter IX

Why I gave up manufacturing

66. During those first three years in Barcelona, the fervor that I had had at home began to cool.²⁸⁷ True, I received the sacraments frequently during the year. I attended Mass on all feasts and holy days of obligation and daily prayed the rosary to Mary Most Holy and kept up my other devotions, but with none of my former fervor. My only goal and all my anxieties were about manufacturing. I can't overstate it – my obsession approached delirium. Who can say? Perhaps the very intensity of my inclination was the means God used to take away my love for manufacturing.

67. Toward the end of my third year in Barcelona, obsessed as I was, whenever I was at Mass on holy days, I experienced the greatest difficulty in overcoming the thoughts that came to me. It is true that I loved to think and dwell on my projects, but during the Mass and my other devotions I did not want to and I tried to put them out of my mind. I told myself that I'd think about them later but that for the present I only wanted to think on what I was doing and pray. My efforts seemed useless, like trying to bring a swiftly rotating wheel to a sudden stop. I was tormented during Mass with new ideas, discoveries, etc. There seemed to be more machines in my head than saints on the altar.²⁸⁸

68. In the midst of this whirling of ideas, while I was at Mass one day, I remembered reading as a small boy those words of the Gospel: For what does it profit a man, if he gain the whole world and suffer the loss of his soul?²⁸⁹ This phrase impressed me deeply and went like an arrow that pierced my heart. I tried to think and reason what to do, but to no avail.

69. I was like Saul on the (road) to Damascus, but I was in need of an Ananias to tell me what to do.²⁹⁰ I went to the house of the Fathers of St. Philip Neri, walked through the cloisters, saw an open door, knocked and entered. There I met a Brother Paul,²⁹¹ who was very fervent and devout, and I told him simply about my resolves. The good brother patiently and charitably heard me out, and then he told me in all humility, Sir, I'm only a poor lay brother; I'm not the one to counsel you. I'll take you to a very wise and virtuous priest who will tell you what you should do. He took me to Father Amigo, who listened to me, approved of my decision, and counseled me to study Latin. I obeyed him.²⁹²

70. The warmth of piety and devotion reawakened in me. I opened my eyes and recognized the dangers to soul and body that I had been passing through. I shall briefly relate some of them.²⁹³

71. That last summer, the Blessed Virgin saved me from drowning in the sea. Because I had been working so hard, I didn't feel very well during the summer. I began to lose all appetite, and the only relief I could find was to go down to the sea, wade in it, and drink a few drops of the salt water. One day as I was walking along the beach on my way to the "old sea" on the other side of La Barceloneta, a huge wave suddenly engulfed me and carried me out to sea. I saw in a moment that I was far from shore, and I was amazed to see that I was floating on the surface, although I didn't know how to swim. I called out to the Blessed Virgin and found myself on shore without having swallowed even a drop of water. While I was in the water, I had felt exceedingly calm, but afterwards, on shore, I was horrified at the thought of the danger I had escaped through the help of the Blessed Virgin.²⁹⁴

72. Mary also saved me from another worse danger, not unlike that of the chaste patriarch, Joseph. While I was in Barcelona, I used to visit a fellow townsman of mine from time to time. I never spoke with anyone else in the house except him. When I arrived there, I would go straight to his room and talk only with him, but the others in the house always saw me coming and going. I was fairly young then, and although it's true that I had to buy my own clothes, I liked to dress – I won't say luxuriously – but with a certain elegance, perhaps too much. Who knows? Maybe the Lord will take me to task for this on judgment day. One day I went to the house and asked²⁹⁵ after my friend. The lady of the house, a young woman, asked me to wait for him, as he was coming back soon. I had waited a little while when I realized that her intentions were passionate, as her words and gestures made clear. I called out to the Blessed Virgin and escaping from her hands, ran out of that house, never to return. I didn't tell anyone about what had happened, for fear of ruining the lady's reputation.²⁹⁶

73. God dealt me all these blows to wake me up and help me escape from the dangers of the world. But it took an even harder blow, which came to me as follows. A young man of my own age suggested that we pool our interests, and I agreed. We began by entering a lottery and were quite lucky at it.²⁹⁷ As I was always very busy with my job, about the only thing I could do was act as trustee. He bought the tickets and I took care of them. On the day of the drawing I gave him the tickets and he would tell me how much we had won. Since we bought a large number of tickets, we won in every drawing, sometimes quite a lot. We subtracted what we needed to buy more tickets and invested the rest with brokers at six percent. I kept the receipts and that was all. My companion did all the rest.

74. I already had a large number of receipts that added up to a pretty sum when one day, lo and behold, he came and told me that one of our tickets had won 24,000 duros but that when he went to collect the money he found that he'd lost the ticket. And he was telling the truth, all right, because he had gambled it all away and lost. But that wasn't all. He went to my room while I was away, picked the lock of my trunk, and took all the receipts of our partnership. He even took my personal money and pawned my books and clothes for a loan, which he lost at gambling. Finally, in an attempt to recoup his losses, and finding that he had nothing more to gamble with, he broke into the house of an acquaintance, stole the jewels of the lady of the house, and sold them. He gambled the money and lost again.

75. Meanwhile the lady discovered that her jewels were missing and surmised that this person had taken them. She reported him to the authorities, who captured the thief. He confessed his crime, was prosecuted and sentenced to two years in prison. I simply can't describe how great a blow this was to me – and not just because of my financial loss, although that was great enough, but because of my loss of honor.²⁹⁸ I thought to myself, What will people say? They'll think you were this fellow's accomplice in gambling and burglary. Just think – a friend of yours in jail, in the penitentiary! I was so embarrassed and ashamed that I hardly dared show my face on the street. I thought that everyone was looking at me, talking about me, focusing on me.

76. My God, how good and wonderful you have been to me! You surely used strange means to uproot me from the world and an odd kind of aloes to wean me from Babylon.²⁹⁹ And you, my Mother: what proper thanks can I show you for saving me from death in the sea? If I had drowned, as by all rights I should have in that condition, where would I be now? You know quite well, my Mother. I would be in the lower depths of hell because of my ingratitude. With David I should say: Misericordia tua magna est super me, et eruisti animam meam ex inferno inferiorivi.³⁰⁰

Chapter X

My resolve to become a Carthusian Monk at Monte-Alegre

77. Disenchanted, weary, and bored with the world, I considered leaving it for the solitary life of a Carthusian and pursued my studies with this end in view. I felt that I would be failing in my duty if I didn't tell my father of this decision, and the first chance I had, I did so, during one of his many business trips to Barcelona. He was deeply disappointed when I told him that I wanted to give up manufacturing. He told me of all the fond hopes he had for me and his business and for the partnership we might have entered. When I mentioned that I wanted to become a Carthusian, his sorrow reached its peak.³⁰¹

78. But since he was a good Christian, he told me, I don't want to thwart your vocation, God forbid. Think it over carefully, commend it to God, and consult with your spiritual director. If he says that this is God's will, then I respect and worship it, however it may pain me. Even so, I'd rather see you become a secular priest than a monk. Whatever happens, may God's will be done.³⁰²

79. I dedicated myself to the study of Latin grammar with the greatest concentration. My first teacher was a certain Father Thomas, whose Latin was very good and who taught me for two and a half months. Then he had a stroke, lost his speech, and died within a few hours. What a setback! After this I studied with Don Francisco Mas y Artigas,³⁰³ and continued to do so until I left Barcelona to begin courses in philosophy, as I shall relate next.

80. My older brother John married Mary Casajuana, the daughter of Maurice Casajuana, whom the bishop of Vich³⁰⁴ had placed in charge of collecting the rents of certain properties and seigniories in Sallent. This man was very highly esteemed by the bishop and frequently went to see him. On one of these visits he spoke of my insignificant self. Who knows what it was he said, but it caused the bishop to want to meet me.

81. I was told that I should go to Vich, but I didn't want to because I was afraid that he might upset my plans for becoming a Carthusian, a life that I yearned for so much. I told my teacher this and he answered, I'll go with you to see a Father of the Oratory, Father Canti, a man of wisdom, prudence, and experience,³⁰⁵ who will tell you what you should do. We presented ourselves to the good father, and after hearing all my reasons for not going to Vich, he told me, Go, and if the Lord Bishop knows that it is God's will that you enter the Carthusians, far from opposing you, he will be your protector.

82. I held my peace and obeyed. I left Barcelona after living there almost four years. During that time my fervor had cooled and I had been filled with the winds of vanity, praise, and applause, particularly during the first three years. How bitterly I regret and lament it all now! But the Lord took care to humiliate and embarrass me.³⁰⁶ Blessed be God for all the goodness and mercy he has shown me.

Chapter XI

From Barcelona to Vic

83. At the beginning of September, 1829, I left Barcelona and because my parents wanted me to go to Sallent, I did so to please them. I stayed with them until September 29, the feast of St. Michael, when we left after hearing Mass. It was a gloomy trip because of the rain that accompanied us all the way. We reached Vich that night, completely soaked.³⁰⁷

84. On the following day we went to see the bishop, Paul of Jesus Corcuera,³⁰⁸ who received us kindly. So that I might have more time for study and my particular devotions, I was stationed with the Steward of the Bishop's Palace, Msgr. Fortian Bres,³⁰⁹ a very good priest who showed me a great deal of affection. I lived with him throughout my stay in Vich, and later whenever I visited Vich I was a guest in his house. This good man was my sponsor when I was consecrated Archbishop of Cuba in the cathedral at Vich.³¹⁰

85. In the early days of my stay in Vich, I asked whether anyone could recommend a good priest to hear my general confession. I was advised to go to a priest of the Oratory of St. Philip Neri, Father Peter Bach.³¹¹ I made a general confession of my whole life to him and afterward always made my weekly confessions with this very good director. It is worth noting that God has used three Fathers of the Oratory of St. Philip Neri to counsel and direct me at the most crucial moments in my spiritual life: Brother Paul³¹² and Fathers Anthony Amigo,³¹³ Canti,³¹⁴ and Peter Bach.

86. After arriving in Vich, I confessed and received Communion every week, but after a while the director had me confess twice a week and receive Communion four times a week.³¹⁵ I served Mass daily for Father Fortian Bres. Every day I made a half-hour of mental prayer, visited the Blessed Sacrament during Forty Hours' Devotion, and also visited the shrine of Our Lady of the Rosary in the Dominican Church of the same city, rain or shine. And even though the streets were filled with snow, I never omitted my visits to the Blessed Sacrament and the Blessed Virgin Mary.³¹⁶

87. Every day at table we read the life of the saint of the day. Furthermore, with the director's approval, on three days, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I took the discipline and on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday I wore the cilice.³¹⁷ Through all these devotional practices I returned to my first fervor, without slacking off in my studies to which I applied myself to the utmost of my ability, always with the purest and most upright intention possible.³¹⁸

88. During my first year of philosophy, in the midst of all my studies and devotions, I never lost sight of my longing for the Carthusian life. I had a large picture of St. Bruno on my desk. Nearly every time I went to confession I spoke to my director of my desire to enter the Carthusians, and so he came to believe that God was calling me there. Thus he wrote to the Father Prior, and both agreed I should go at the end of that year's course. He also gave me two letters, one for the Father Prior, the other for a religious he knew there.³¹⁹

89. Quite content, I undertook the journey to Barcelona, Badalona,³²⁰ and Monte-Alegre.³²¹ Shortly before my arrival at Barcelona, a hurricane came up, so dreadful that I was terrified. I had studied so much that year that I was a little weak in the chest, and as we ran for shelter from the great sheets of rain, the strain of running and the clouds of dust that rose from the parched earth began to suffocate me severely. I thought, Perhaps God doesn't want you to join the Carthusians. This thought alarmed me greatly. What is certain is that I didn't have the will to go on, and so I returned to Vich. When I told my director he fell silent, without telling me that it was good, bad, or indifferent. And so the matter stayed.³²²

90. I had told no one but my director about my desire to become a Carthusian; hence all the rest knew nothing about it. In those days a vacant benefice in Sallent was being claimed by a priest who lived in the town though he was not born there. Unfortunately, the man was not all that one would have liked.³²³ The vicar general, who had sized up the problem, talked to the bishop and made him see that the priest in question should not have the benefice. To prevent his entering the community, they had me claim the benefice since I, as a native, should have preference. I obtained the position, and on February 2, 1831³²⁴ the bishop gave me tonsure, the vicar general gave me my stipend, and on the following day I went to Sallent to take possession of the said benefice. From that day on, I always wore the cassock and had to recite the Divine Office.

91. During Christmas, Holy Week, and vacations I resided in Sallent, by reason of the benefice; the rest of the year I resided in Vich because of my studies. I have already mentioned some of my personal devotions. Besides these, every month all of the students had to assist at a general communion called the Academy of St. Thomas.³²⁵ In addition, the bishop had also installed the Congregation of the Immaculate Conception and of St. Aloysius Gonzaga in the seminary chapel. All tonsured resident and non-resident seminarians were members of this Congregation. If anyone without tonsure wished to attend, he had to submit a petition to the bishop. The members received Communion in a body every third Sunday of the month. The bishop himself came to say Mass in the seminary chapel, during which he gave us Holy Communion and, on the evening of the same day, delivered a sermon.³²⁶

92. Every year in the chapel, during Lent, we made an eight-day retreat, from Sunday to Sunday. The bishop attended all the morning and evening exercises. I recall that during a sermon one day he said, Perhaps someone will ask why the bishop is spending so much time with the students. I would tell him that I know what I'm doing. If I can have good students now, I'll have good priests and good pastors later. Think how much more rest I'll have then!³²⁷It is very important for students to be continually nourished spiritually during their studies; otherwise they will grow up to be proud, which is the worst they can bring upon themselves and pride is the source of all sin.³²⁸ I would rather have them know a little less and be pious, than to know a great deal with little or no piety and be puffed up with the wind of vanity.³²⁹

93. After that first year of philosophy I no longer thought about becoming a Carthusian and realized that that vocation had only been temporary.³³⁰ The Lord had been calling me away so that I would come to detest the things of the world and, once detached from them, might remain in the clerical state, as the Lord has given me to understand since.

94. While I was in studies, I joined the congregation of Laus perennis of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. The hour of prayer assigned me is from four to five p.m. on St. Anthony's Day in June. I was enrolled by Father Ildefonso Valiente,³³¹ rector of the College of Manresa, who came to my house. In the same town I am enrolled in the Perpetual Rosary, and my assigned hour of prayer is from one to two p.m. on June 29, the feast of St. Peter.³³² In the city of Vich I was also enrolled in the Confraternity of the Rosary and that of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel, as well as in the Congregation of Our Lady of Sorrows.³³³

95. I had the following experience while I was in my second year of philosophy at Vich. That winter I had caught a bad cold and was ordered to bed; so I obeyed. One day³³⁴ as I lay there at about ten-thirty in the morning, I felt a terrible temptation. I turned to Mary, called on my guardian angel,³³⁵ and prayed to all my name-saints as well as to those to whom I have a special devotion. I fixed my attention on indifferent objects so as to distract myself and forget about the temptation. I made the sign of the cross on my forehead so that the Lord would free me from evil thoughts, but everything I did was in vain.

96. Finally I turned over on my other side, to see if the temptation would go away, when suddenly I saw the Blessed Virgin Mary, very beautiful and gracious. Her dress was crimson, her mantle blue, and in her arms I saw a huge garland of the most beautiful roses. I had seen lovely artificial and real roses in Barcelona but none as lovely as these. How beautiful it all was! As I lay face up in bed, I saw myself as a beautiful white child kneeling with hands joined. I never lost sight of the Blessed Virgin, on whom I kept my eyes fixed. I remember distinctly thinking to myself, She is a woman and yet she doesn't give you any evil thoughts; on the contrary, she has taken them all away from you. The Blessed Virgin spoke to me and said, Anthony, this crown is yours if you overcome. I was so preoccupied that I was not able to utter a single word. Next I saw the Blessed Virgin place on my head the crown of roses that she held in her right hand (besides the garland, which she held between her arm and her right side). I saw myself crowned with roses in the person of that little child, and even after this I was speechless.

97. I also saw a band of saints standing at her right hand, in an attitude of prayer. I didn't recognize them, except that one seemed to be St. Stephen.³³⁶ I believed then, as I do now, that those were my patron saints praying and interceding for me so that I wouldn't fall into the temptation.³³⁷ Then, on my left, I saw a great crowd of demons in battle array, like soldiers who fall back and close ranks again after a battle. I said to myself, What a host of them there is – and so fearful! During all of this I remained as if caught by surprise, without quite realizing what was happening to me. As soon as it had passed, I felt free of the temptation and filled with a joy so deep that I couldn't grasp what had been going on within me.

98. I am quite sure that I was neither asleep nor suffering from dizziness or anything else that could have caused a state of illusion. What made me believe that what had happened was real, and a special grace from Mary, was the fact that from that moment on I was free from temptation and for many years stayed free of any temptation against chastity. If later there have been any such temptations, they have been so insignificant that they hardly deserve to be called temptations. Glory to Mary! Victory through Mary!³³⁸

Chapter XII