Section 1: bmw-specific & General Automotive News, Oddball Trivia, Headlines, Jokes, Memes, & Cartoons: bmw x7 Pre-Order Program Starts October 16

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TV Guide
October 7-24, 2018

Section 1: BMW-specific & General Automotive News,

Oddball Trivia, Headlines, Jokes, Memes, & Cartoons:
BMW X7 Pre-Order Program Starts October 16: “The BMW X7 will officially be announced on October 16, 2018. To coincide with that, BMW will be offering an X7 Pre-Order program beginning the same day. Pre-ordering will require a $1,000 deposit. On Oct. 16 customers will be able to place an order for their BMW X7 online through any participating BMW Dealer by depositing $1,000 through BMW NA will reserve a limited number of units from early production exclusively to satisfy these pre-orders, which will be fulfilled on a first-come, first-serve basis. These units will be treated outside the regular allocation process which will begin later in Q4. Order Guides will also be made available on October 16. Here are the steps to the pre-order process: 1. Visit on October 16 & choose a participating BMW Dealer. Complete a pre-order form with your information and submit a $1,000 deposit via one of the payment methods accepted by the Dealer selected. 2. You’ll receive an Order Confirmation ID & your payment will be submitted directly to the Dealer selected. 3. The selected Dealer will then contact you to build & price the vehicle. 4. Once an agreement on the details of the sale is finalized, the Dealer will submit your X7 order into BMW Order Bank.” [Note: If you have trouble opening this web site, paste the URL into your browser & hit ENTER or RETURN.]
BMW outlines future supercar plans: “Mid-engined 450kW [600hp] hybrid supercar in the cards. BMW looks set to unleash a 450kW-plus hybrid supercar powered by a petrol engine & electric motors. To utilize the existing lightweight carbon architecture of the i8 sports car, the supercar could appear as early as 2021 as a flagship for the luxury brand that prides itself on driving excitement. While stopping short of confirming the project was a done deal, the board member responsible for product development for the German car maker, Klaus Frolich, strongly hinted that a BMW supercar was in the works. ‘(A) Supercar is my personal wish … I think there is a next window of opportunity whenever we have the life cycle for i8,’ said Frolich at the 2018 Paris motor show. ‘I’m working very hard to make it happen.’ Frolich nominated the chassis of the i8, a car that utilizes electric motors & a 3-cylinder turbo engine, as the starting point for a BMW supercar. ‘The chassis is so robust, so good, & so lightweight that I would like to use it for a second generation,’ he said. ‘I have a wonderful carbon fibre chassis for a sports car in my portfolio - currently it’s used in the i8. This car was launched in (20)14, so I would like to use something like that, with much more performance, electric & conventional. Then it will be very soon in the 600 horsepower or something region & it will not have a weight of 2 tons.’ Rather than serve as a direct replacement for the i8 – a car that is brisk but not in the same league as supercars such as various Porsche 911s, the Audi R8, & Lamborghini Huracan – Frolich suggested a new supercar would be a big step up in performance. While he ruled out big capacity V8 or V10 engines, he nominated a 4- or 6-cylinder as the likely candidate to power the rear wheels & provide the all-important character people expect of fast cars. Teamed with electric motors driving the front wheels – for a high-tech all-wheel drive setup – he suggested 600 horsepower was a good target. That translates to about 450kW – well in the reaches of many highly fancied supercars – & with the lightweight advantage of carbon fiber. Frolich said any such car would weigh less than two tons, cementing a solid power-to-weight ratio. As with so many supercar programs, the challenge lies with ensuring enough people will buy it to justify what is an enormous development project & low-volume production. Predicted small sales would then be offset against the obvious benefits of such a car as a halo across the brand. ‘This market segment is so small … there is always a business case discussion about it … we have to invest in the brand, too.’” [Note: If you have trouble opening this web site, paste the URL into your browser & hit ENTER or RETURN.]
New F-Type 2020: First Jaguar with BMW V8 engine? “Already more than 2 years ago there were first rumors, now the engine cooperation of BMW & Jaguar Land Rover seems to be more concrete. As the British Car Magazine reports, the new Jaguar F-Type 2020 becomes the first big-cat powered by a BMW V8 engine. Whether the cooperation will one day be extended to smaller engines with 4 or 6 cylinders remains unanswered. Currently it looks like that only the V8 variants of the F-Type will be powered by BMW in the future. The focus of the Jaguar interest is apparently the developed by the M GmbH & used in numerous models BMW S63 with 4.4-liter displacement. The double-turbocharged engine provides at least 560hp, in the current top-of-the-range BMW M5 Competition even 625hp are possible - & thus the end of the flagpole is far from being reached. Which performance level Jaguar wants in the environment of the F-Type & can realize thermally remains to be seen for the time being.” (Benny, October 9) [Note: If you have trouble opening this web site, paste the URL into your browser & hit ENTER or RETURN.]
Jalopnik headline: “A BMW Parts Catalog Apparently Already Has Parts for the New Toyota Supra. We know that it’ll share parts with the upcoming 2019 BMW Z4 Roadster.”
Motor 1 headline: “BMW Cancels Range-Extender Option For i3 In 2019. The BMW i3 REx has hit a dead end In Europe. Lives on for U.S.”
Carscoops headline: “BMW Exec Implies There Won’t Be A Next-Gen 3-Series GT. If you want a relatively compact yet practical family car from BMW, you’ll have to settle for a crossover.”
Motor 1 headline: “BMW X1 Refresh Spied Showing Off Its New Lights. Some of the new parts make the updated X1 look more like the X2.”
Motor 1 headline: “BMW 8 Series With V12 Engine Ruled Out, PHEV Also Unlikely. It all comes down to weight.”
Carscoops headline: “BMW Rules Out Pickup Truck Saying There’s No Business Case For It. BMW Australia has been pushing for a pickup, but Munich HQ doesn’t think it would be a financially sound decision.”
Autospies headline: “BMW confirms commitment to diesel technology despite political opposition. Quite a number of carmakers are already reducing or even stopping their lineup of diesel-powered vehicles, as sparked by the diesel emissions scandal at the Volkswagen Group.”

Motor 1 headline: “Watch BMW M5 Competition Accelerate Like A Supercar To Top Speed. It looks like the M5 suffers from a multiple personality disorder: luxury sedan & 4-door supercar.”
Motor 1 headline: “BMW 3 Series Wagon Unearthed In Brazilian Design Registration. Who needs a crossover? The 3 Series wagon offers just as much utility.”
BMW Says Batteries Will Always Be Expensive: “Will electric cars be saved by a big battery breakthrough? Never, says BMW. Klaus Frölich, a member of BMW’s board of management, says battery costs will not go down with higher manufacturing volumes. As demand for cobalt to make batteries goes up, he says the cost of cobalt will go up. BMW’s cost to make battery packs is between $170 & $250 per kilowatt hour. That means a 100 kWh battery costs between $17,000 & $25,000. At a recent powertrain conference in North America, a battery expert warned automakers & suppliers that battery costs will only come down to about $130 per kilowatt hour by 2030. They would have to drop to about $70/kWh to match the cost of an internal combustion engine.” (John McElroy, October 9)
The New BMW R 1250 GS & R 1250 RT Motorcycles: “For more than 35 years, the boxer engine in the BMW Motorrad GS & RT models has epitomized distinctive, powerful, & reliable performance whether you are leaving on an extended tour, long-distance journey, or a short weekend trip. For more than 25 years, BMW Motorrad has utilized 4-valve technology in this engine, combined with electronic fuel injection, & closed-loop catalytic converter technology to improve power & torque delivery, efficiency, & environmental compatibility. *Improved boxer engine performance with BMW ShiftCam Technology, increased power across the entire engine power band, with reduced emissions & fuel consumption. *2 Ride Modes, ASC, & Hill Start Control as standard. *Ride Modes Pro: featuring additional riding modes, Dynamic Traction Control, ABS Pro, Hill Start Control Pro, & new Dynamic Brake Control, available as optional equipment. *Next-Generation Dynamic ESA with automatic ride height adjustment & automatic damper settings, now also for the R 1250 RT. *Standard LED headlamp with LED design element for the R 1250 GS & optional LED design element for the R 1250 RT. * Connectivity: Multifunction instrument cluster with 6.5-inch full-color TFT display and numerous features as standard in the R 1250 GS. *BMW Motorrad Spezial – high-quality customization features as factory options. *New attractive colors & style variants.” (October 10) [Note: If you have trouble opening this web site, paste the URL into your browser & hit ENTER or RETURN.]
Motor 1 headline: “North Korean Leader Trades In His Mercedes For A Rolls-Royce. Kim Jong-Un was spotted with his new black Phantom during a recent visit by the U.S. Secretary of State.”
Carscoops headline: “MINI Simplifies Its Domestic Lineup Under 3 New Trim Levels. Buyers in the UK will now even be able to buy their new MINI online.”
The Stick Shift Index: Where Do People Still Drive Stick Shift in America? Is driving stick really a lost art?

Valeo’s Clever Camera Lens Cleaner: “Backup cameras are a very useful tool to have, but they often get gummed up with dirt & grime. So, the supplier Valeo has come up with a neat solution, called everView Centricam. The lens covering the camera spins so fast that it whips water right off it, clearing up the view. Valeo says this would be good for automated vehicles to ensure the sensors function properly. And would also work with mud & dust.”

The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly: Who Sold What in the EV Market for the Past 9 Months:
Most Popular Car Brands in Songs: “Cars & music really go together. One of the 1st songs about cars, ‘In My Merry Oldsmobile,’ came out in 1906 – 112 years ago! So how many songs about cars are there? Who sang the most about cars? And which cars did they sing the most about? Well a website called Gold Eagle analyzed over 100,000 songs using search words like cars, coupe, truck, & brands & models like Bentley, Mustang, & Chevrolet. You might think that 1960’s bands from Southern California like the Beach Boys would top the list, but they don’t even make the list. No, hip hop & rap artists, like Lil Wayne, Jay Z, & Snoop Dogg, sing far more about cars than artists from any other genre. R&B artists, such as R. Kelly & Drake, are 2nd by genre. Then come rock artists, with Bruce Springsteen at the top. And what brands shows up the most in songs? Mercedes-Benz, by far, followed by Cadillac, Bentley, & Chevrolet. Click on the link [in the next paragraph] to see the full list, which makes for fascinating reading.” (John McElroy, October 4)
MUSICIANS WHO SING THE MOST ABOUT CARS: Is there anything better than belting out your favorite song in the car? Whether it’s a road trip or just a solo grocery store trip, you’ve never felt so much like a rock star in the privacy of your own ride. The connection between music & cars has existed ever since they started putting radios into cars in the 1930s—& the tie didn’t end there. Musicians have married this relationship between music & cars by using cars as their ultimate muse. We all know the famous songs about cars like the Beatles’ ‘Baby You Can Drive My Car”’ or Prince’s ‘Little Red Corvette,’ but just how many songs about cars are there? We decided to take a drive through the data about cars & songs to determine which artists & musicians mention cars the most in their lyrics. We analyzed over 100,000 songs to determine how many mention cars within their lyrics. In our research, we included various car variants such as ‘cars,’ ‘coupe,’ ‘whip,’ ‘truck,’ ‘4×4’ & others as well as car brands & models like ‘Bentley,’ ‘Ford,’ ‘Mustang,’ ‘Chevrolet,’ & more. So, which artists are car crazy & who sings the most about cars? Let’s take a look at the results. MUSICIANS WHO USE THE MOST CAR REFERENCES IN THEIR LYRICS: After digging through the lyrics, we found that 94% of the top 100 musicians who reference cars the most in their songs are hip hop artists or rappers. The No. 1 car lover on our list with the highest number of car references used in his lyrics, was Lil Wayne, who had 370 car references. Lil Wayne was followed by Jay-Z, who had 354 car references in his lyrics. Coming in 3rd was Snoop Dogg, who had 326 car references in his lyrics. Nas came just behind Snoop with 324 car references in his lyrics. Rounding out the top 5 is Gucci Mane, who had 313 car references in his song lyrics. Other artists who made our top 25 list were future, Rick Ross, E-40, 50 Cent, Master P, Birdman, T.I., Big Tymers, Redman, R. Kelly, Cam’ron, Lil’ Flip, Raekwon, Busta Rhymes, Eminem, Too $hort, Yo Gotti, Juvenile, Ludacris, & The Game. GENRES OF MUSIC WHO SING THE MOST ABOUT CARS: We already know that hip hop artists & rappers reference cars the most in their songs, but what other types of musicians sing about cars? In rock music, there are definitely some car-crazy musicians, including Bruce Springsteen who has 88 car references in his lyrics, Tom Waits with 83 references, Kid Rock with 77 references, Frank Zappa with 66, & They Might Be Giants with 48. Another car-obsessed genre, country music, had some artists who also had plenty of references to cars like ‘The Man in Black’ Johnny Cash, who had 73 car references in his lyrics, Jason Aldean with 64, Toby Keith with 64, Tim McGraw with 58, and Alan Jackson with 52. Folk musicians may be soft & willowy, but they are also big fans of cars—especially Bob Dylan, who has 85 references to cars in his lyrics. Iron & Wine has 30 lyric references to cars & John Denver, who has 20 car references. In the genre of pop music, there are some notable car lovers—including Jimmy Buffet, who has 67 car references in his lyrics, Prince with 66, Elton John with 57, & the Beach Boys with 48. The genre with the fewest car references was Punk, with the most car references in lyrics from Iggy Pop, who had 29, The Fall, who also had 29, Bowling for Soup with 28, Dead Milkmen with 24, & The Dead Kennedys with 23. MOST MENTIONED CARS IN SONG LYRICS: Now that we know which musicians sing the most about cars, we wanted to find out which cars they were most likely talking about. The most mentioned cars in song lyrics, according to the data, are Mercedes (which had 4,746 mentions), followed by Cadillac (with 2,923 mentions), Bentley (with 1,400 mentions), Chevrolet (with 1,306 mentions), & Jeep (with 1,127 mentions). Jaguar, Porsche, Ford, Dodge, & Lexus were also heavily mentioned in songs. The least mentioned vehicle, however, was the Honda Civic. While it’s a reliable car, it apparently doesn’t give off as much inspiration for musicians as Prince’s ‘Little Red Corvette,’ or Janis Joplin’s ‘Mercedes Benz.’ METHODOLOGY: We analyzed more than 100,000 song lyrics from the database. Terms we searched: car, cars, truck, trucks, 4×4, automobile, hooptie, hoopty, wheels, whip, whoopty, coupe, sedan, BMW, beamer, beemer, Bentley, Mercedes, Mercedes Benz, Bugatti, Cadillac, Caddy, Chevrolet, Chevy, Dodge, Escalade, Ford, Honda, Hummer, Jaguar, Jag, Jeep, Lamborghini, Lambo, Lancer, Lexus, Civic, Lincoln, Mustang, Navigator, Porsche, Rolls-Royce, 3 Series, C-Class, E-Class, G-Class, S-Class, M3, F-150, F-250, F-350, X5, X3, MKZ, MKX, Cayman, XJ, XF, XE, IS, GS, ES, LS, H2, CR-V, CTS, ATS, CT6. The numbers associated with each artist represent the frequency of search terms & variants that were found within their lyrics. Some of the numbers may contain duplicated song titles or sets of lyrics, such as remixes or live releases.” [Note: If you have trouble opening this web site, paste the URL into your browser & hit ENTER or RETURN.]
Trump to Give Thumbs Up to E-15: “President Trump is going to give the greenlight to boosting ethanol levels in gasoline to 15%. Ethanol was mandated in gasoline decades ago because it burns cleaner. That’s because ethanol has more oxygen in it than gasoline. It also has a higher octane rating, about 113 RON. But ethanol has a lower energy content & can corrode engines & fuel lines that were not designed for it. Some people hate it, but American farmers are going to love the move to E-15.” (John McElroy, October 9)

Autoline Viewer Comments:

* “Motorcycles & boats as well as most non road going combustion engines just can’t support E-15. If E-15 is added, it should be just that: added, as without a choice many engines will/can be ruined by this new fuel. And as E-10 carries a 3% fuel mileage penalty (over pure gasoline) expect close to a 5% fuel mileage penalty -- which will negate most of the lower price that E-15 is touting.” (Chuck Grenc)

* “Agreed. It seems to me a better solution would be to take ethanol out of our current low octane fuel & just add ethanol to make the 91/93 octane or a new high-octane ‘super premium’ for all the OEMs that want more octane to work with for high compression new engines. The ethanol can go there. Our fleet of older vehicles are suffering enough with 10% ethanol.” (Barry T)

* “Ethanol fuel has almost caused my collector car to burn to the ground when the alcohol destroyed the fuel lines. The car has also run like crap ever since its introduction.” (XA351GT)

Newsmax headline: “Report: China Penetrated Amazon, Apple, US Companies in Massive Hacking Attack Chinese spies, using a tiny computer chip, managed to penetrate 30 firms.”
FARK headline: “Using a computer chip smaller than a grain of rice to hack Apple is very on brand for China.”
DRUDGE headline: “Birds Getting ‘Drunk’ -- Berries Fermenting Early Due to Frost.”
Newsmax headline: “Bank Stocks Soar as GOP ‘Red Wave’ Hopes Ease Fears of Dem Victory, Taxes.”
Newsmax headline: “France's Macron: The French Complain Too Much!”
Newsmax headline: “Selfie Deaths a Health Problem With More Than 250 Killed.”
Newsmax headline: “US Charges 7 Russian Intel Officers with Hacking US Charges 7 Russian Intel Officers with Hacking.”
Newsmax headline: “Poll: Almost Half of Millennial Dems Identify as Socialists.”
Newsmax headline: “Powerful Men Have Changed Their Behavior at Work Since #MeToo.”
DRUDGE headline: “Iran supreme leader uses #MeToo to promote hijab.”
FARK headline: “Handcuffed man steals probation department vehicle to escape arrest. Learns bystanders don’t like to help a man in handcuffs.”
Breitbart headline: “Woke Joke: Gun Control Proponent LeBron James Has Armed Guards on Security Detail.”
Breitbart headline: “Feminist Journal Publishes Hoax Paper About ‘Dog Rape Culture.’”
Breitbart headline: “Survey: 19% of Americans Under 45 Can Pass a U.S. Citizenship Test.” Among test-takers of all ages, “2% thought the Cold War was caused by climate change. Despite the round-the-clock media coverage surrounding Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, 57% did now know how many justices serve on the U.S. Supreme Court.”
FARK headline: “Whirlpool kills six, Maytag seen taking notes.”
Newsmax headline: “Russian Official Tied to Trump Tower Meeting Dies in Helicopter Crash.”
DRUDGE headline: “Mystery disruption for cell networks after Presidential alert text.”
DRUDGE headline: “India quietly seals missile deal with Russia despite U.S. warning.”
DRUDGE headline: “Era of bank secrecy ends as Swiss start sharing account data.”
DRUDGE headlines: “POLL: TRUMP POPS TO 50%... Jobless claims 49-year low... Interest rates highest in 7 years.”
FARK headline: “Florida woman arrested for throwing spices at elementary school students is charged with assault & pepper.”
DRUDGE headline: “U.S. plans to rewrite rules that impede self-driving cars.”
The Local headline: “French language police ban ‘fake news’ in favor of Gallic term. … The new Gallic term - infox - is a combination of ‘infos’ - an abbreviation of ‘informations,’ which means news, & ‘intox,’ which means disinformation or hoax.”
DRUDGE headline: “AMAZON workers make LESS after wage bump? ‘Corrupt ploy.’”
DRUDGE headline: “COPS: Man blames ghost for planting meth on him.”
DRUDGE headline: “91% of APPLE Contributions Went to Dems.”
DRUDGE headline: “Officials disturbed by decapitated goats in Georgia river.”
FARK headline: “Wanna fly with your mini horse? Fly Alaska.”
FARK headline: “90-year-old murderer forgets to remove Fitbit from victim... the key piece of evidence showing exact time of death.”
FARK headline: “Utah football fans find $1,060 destroyed in shredder. 2-year-old is lead suspect.”
FARK headline: “Fatal Selfie Incident is now an official category for cause of death & is surely the name of a band somewhere.”
FARK headline: “New York Post headline writer, take a bow. You deserve it.”
FARK headline: “The WHO Sell Out, endorse traditional Chinese medicine. I Can’t Explain why My Generation would fall for this, but I expect it will be A Legal Matter if you Substitute ‘TCM’ for real medicine & The Kids Aren’t Alright.”
FARK headline: “If you visit New Zealand & Customs demands you hand over your precious phone & password, you better hand it over or you’ll be fined $3,200. They needs it. The precious password.”
FARK headline: “Zoo opens its ambitious new £60,000 penguin exhibit, populated exclusively by 6 plastic penguins.”
FARK headline: “Pro tip: It’s probably not a good idea to use a stolen credit card to pay your court fines. Just saying.”
FARK headline: “3rd time is not a charm. ‘Bad Luck Bandi’ smacked in head with own brick after it bounces off restaurant’s bulletproof glass.”
FARK headline: “Protip: Genuine US currency isn’t typically labeled ‘Made in China.’”
FARK headline: “You know the beehive in your wall is huge when the beekeeper can see it through bricks using heat-vision.”
FARK headline: “Coast Guard seizes 11 tons of cocaine from smugglers, says it’s a big blow to organized crime.”
Breitbart headline: “Community College Professor Compares Presidential Alert Message to Rape.”
Breitbart headline: “Black Tory Candidate for London Mayor: Multiculturalism Turning Britain into ‘Crime-Riddled Cesspool.”
DRUDGE headline: “Driverless Cars As WMDs.”
DRUDGE headline: “Police find 500 videotapes in home of suspected serial rapist.”
Daily Caller headline: “7 Witnesses Corroborate Kavanaugh’s Account Of The Devil’s Triangle.”
Daily Caller headline: “Chris Coons Calls Kavanaugh Partisan, Then Gets Asked About Ruth Bader Ginsburg.”
Daily Caller headline: “Sarah Sanders Dismantles Main Democratic Talking Point On Kavanaugh,”
Daily Caller headline: “Amy Schumer Tells Cops She’s Willing To Get Arrested While Protesting Kavanaugh. Gets Arrested.”
Daily Caller headline: “The FBI Report On Kavanaugh Is Apparently Over 1,000 Pages Long.”
FARK headline: “Florida Man Arrested After Threatening to Kill Senators Who Oppose Kavanaugh.”
Breitbart headline: “A Woman Decides: 50th Vote.”
Breitbart headline: “Sen. Collins Flooded with Abusive Tweets Threatening Death, Violence — Twitter Does Nothing.”
Breitbart headline: “Donald Trump Congratulates Senate for Confirming Kavanaugh to Supreme Court. … Mitch McConnell Thanks Anti-Kavanaugh ‘Mob’: ‘A ‘Great Political Gift for Us.’”
Breitbart headline: “Bill Maher: ‘Scary’ That Things Have Changed From ‘Listen’ To Women Who Say They Were Wronged ‘To Automatically Believe.’”
DRUDGE headline: “COLBERT writer: ‘I’m just glad we ruined his life.’”
DRUDGE headline: “Avenatti Turns Radioactive As Liberals Blame Porn Lawyer For Confirmation.”

Breitbart headline: “Avenatti Freaks After CNN Editor Blames Him for Saving Kavanaugh.”
Breitbart headline: “Rubio: Efforts to Intimidate Susan Collins More ‘Vicious, Vile, Dangerous’ Than Reported.”
Breitbart headline: “Leftists Confront Sex Assault Survivor Who Supports Kavanaugh.”
Breitbart headline: “Parents of Teen Boy Falsely Accused of Sexual Assault Sue 5 ‘Mean Girl; Accusers.”
Breitbart headline: “UFC Fighter Gives Shout-Out to His ‘Homie’ Justice Kavanaugh After Match Win. ‘Way to go, Special K.’”
Breitbart headline: “Graham on Kavanaugh Confirmation: ‘I Am Happy as a Clam,’ ‘Mob Rule Lost.’”
Breitbart headline: “Sen. Cory Gardner (R-CO) Says His Wife Received Graphic Beheading Text After Kavanaugh Vote.”
Daily Caller headline: “McConnell Reassured Trump: 'I’m Stronger Than Mule Piss' On Kavanaugh Sen. Susan Collins Says Kavanaugh's 'Anguish' And 'Forceful Denial' Sealed The Deal.”
Daily Caller headline: “NBC Reporter Ken Dilanian Becomes Full-Blown Activist After Senate’s Kavanaugh Confirmation.”
Daily Caller headline: “Mollie Hemingway Blames The Media Of Failing To Properly Vet Christine Ford’s Story.”
Daily Caller headline: “Lindsey Graham Dares Schumer To Pick One Judge From Trump’s List: ‘Name One That Would Be Okay.’”
Breitbart headline: “Nolte: 28 Reasons Julie Swetnick’s Kavanaugh Allegations Are Total Garbage.”
FARK headline: “You know that feeling you get when your low fuel light comes on & you’re in the middle of nowhere? Well what about when you are about 30,000’ in the air?”
FARK headline: “5 people injured in a shooting outside a Pennsylvania dollar store. Community leaders want change.”
FARK headline: “MMA fighter told he was on ‘do not fly list’ & proves them right, when he attacks another passenger, in retaliation. Fark: Not Conor McGreggor.”
Daily Caller headline: “US Tornado Activity Is The Lowest In 65 Years Of Record Keeping.”
Newsmax headline: “Toddler Shreds $1,000 in Cash Parents Were Saving. A toddler in Utah was a little too helpful”
DRUDGE headline: “Hispanic Unemployment Record Low”
DRUDGE headline: “Manufacturing confidence all-time high.”
DRUDGE headline: “16,000 Govt Jobs Cut Since Trump.”
DRUDGE headline: “Construction hiring booming -- & many available jobs.”
Breitbart headline: “Scarborough: ‘Man, That Is A Low Unemployment Rate.’”
DRUDGE headline: “VIDEO: Driver Saves Squirrel Struck By Car With CPR.”
DRUDGE headline: “Biblical end of days prophecy: Fish swim again in Dead Sea.”
DRUDGE headline: “Mormon no more: Tabernacle Choir renamed in big church shift.”
DRUDGE headline: “New Jersey named ‘most stressed out’ state.”
Breitbart headline: “Former Democrat Staffer Arrested for Doxing GOP Senators.”
Daily Caller headline: “Man Who Doxxed GOP Senators Allegedly Threatened To Dox Their Children If Exposed.”
DRUDGE headline: “STUDY: TV Coverage of Trump 92% Negative.”
FARK headline: “JFK Airport overhaul to cost $13B, with construction on the $22B project set to begin in 2020 & be completed at a cost of $39B before change orders, lawsuits, & renaming after a huffy Andrew Cuomo realizes it’s named after his ex-wife’s uncle.”
FARK headline: “A rock that was used as a doorstop for decades at a Michigan farm has been identified as a meteorite valued at about $100,000.”
FARK headline: “71-year-old Bonanno crime family associate shot in McDonald’s drive through waiting for his medium coffee. These clowns are a lot less classy than Francis Ford Coppola would have you believe.”

FARK headline: “Driver spots cow - in back seat of pickup - enjoying ride down Ohio highway, posts mooooving video.”
FARK headline: “Hundreds of tons of human body parts and surgical waste are being stockpiled in the UK, totally not for the upcoming Brexit/zombie infestation.”
FARK headline: “Upset with your boyfriend? Why not set his apartment building on fire & displace 130 of his neighbors from their homes?”
FARK headline: “Protip: If you are going to hire a hitman to kill your ex-boyfriend, it might not be best to communicate the particulars over the online dating app Plenty of Fish.”
FARK headline: “Teenage girl decides it is a good idea to put on a sweatshirt while driving in a 2-lane road. What could go wrong?”
Jalopnik headline: “Elon Musk Is Making Good on His Promise to Pay for Flint's Clean Water.”
Jalopnik headline: “A Man is Suing The Royal Bank of Canada for Seizing His Subaru Impreza Even Though He Never Did Business With Them.”
Newsmax headline: “Minnesota TV Reporter Fired for Wearing Trump Hat at Rally.”

Newsmax headline: “ ‘Going, Going, Gone..’ n Banksy Artwork Self-Destructs Moment After $1.4 Million Sale.”
DRUDGE headline: “SOTHEBY’S shock... Now worth DOUBLE?”
DRUDGE headline: “Melania reveals she confiscates Trump phone!”
DRUDGE headline: “Chernobyl begins new life as solar power park.”
FARK headline: “After installing multiple flashing lights, do not enter signs, rumble strips, bollards back at the intersection, & painting the tracks red, transit officials hope drop down barriers will finally keep cars from driving into the streetcar tunnel.’
FARK headline: “Another robber forgets you should never take selfies with the phone you just stole.”
FARK headline: “Homeowner gathers concrete evidence that friendly neighborhood industrial quarry passed air-quality regulations because they got tested at known down-times, cementing his troublemaker reputation.”
FARK headline: “Police rescue British man held in a shed 40 years as a slave. The good news? He now has the experience necessary to apply for a job with Amazon.”
FARK headline: “Oregon man writes on Facebook, ‘Yay, not going to die,’ as he’s passing cars in a no passing zone. Guess what happens next.”
FARK headline: “Forget about looking in the Cambodian jungle for Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370 that's been missing for like FOREVER. There’s a second plane that crashed & has been found with the whole cast of Gilligan’s Island aboard (possible nsfw content on page).”
FARK headline: “Guard who boiled an inmate to death becomes cop who loses evidence, crashes patrol car, has sex on the job, faces termination. Florida -- & is also a finalist for Officer of the Year.”
New York Post headline: “[2nd] Pret a Manger customer dies from allergic reaction after food label issue.”
Breitbart headline: “MS-13 Gang Member Apprehensions this Year up 244%, Says Border Patrol Sector Chief.”
Breitbart headline: “Report: 447 Christian Missionaries Killed Since 2000.”
Autospies headline: “Florida-based Porsche Dealership Makes GOOD on BAD Employee Who Pocketed More Than $2.5 MILLION.”
FARK headline: “What part of ‘bike path’ did you fail to understand, idiotdriver?”
Breitbart headline: “Winning UFC Heavyweight Derrick Lewis told the crowd in Vegas, that President Trump called him & asked him to knock out his Russian opponent Saturday night at UFC 229.”
Breitbart headline: “Iranian authorities executed a Kurdish former child bride this week on charges of murdering her abusive husband after she gave a false confession under torture.”
Newsmax headline: “Study Links Mental Health Problems, Global Warming.”
Breitbart headline: “Audit Finds Climate Scare Based on ‘Careless & Amateur’ Data.”
Jalopnik headline: “Teen Pulls Over to Give Squirrel CPR Until It Wakes Up After Accidentally Hitting It With His Car.”
DRUDGE headline: “6 months jail awaits trick-or-treaters over 12 in VA town.”
DRUDGE headline: “Austria tiring of being ‘ashtray of Europe.’”
Autospies headline: “OOOPS! Tesla Cam Catches Model S Autopilot Ramming Stopped Vehicle. Should we reiterate? Yes, we must! Today’s cars aren’t fully autonomous.”
DRUDGE headline: “World gone mad? Mental health disorders on rise in every country.”
Newsmax headline: “Turkish Newspaper Names 15 Saudis Linked to Journalist's Disappearance.”
Newsmax headline: “NY Times: Turkey Claims Saudis Killed, Chopped Up Journalist.”
FARK headline: “Before [journalist Jamal] Khashoggi's disappearance, U.S. intelligence intercepted communications of Saudi officials discussing a plan to capture him.”
FARK headline: “Friends don’t let friends drive drunk. Except bulldozers.”
DRUDGE headline: “HILLARY: Time for civlity is over.”
DRUDGE headline: “‘Explosively breeding’ frogs dropping from above in NC.”
DRUDGE headline: “Greece bans obese tourists from riding donkeys.”
DRUDGE headline: “Hunters to spray CALVIN KLEIN cologne to lure man-eating tiger.”
DRUDGE headline: “Plants Communicate With Animals, Fruits Say ‘Eat Me.’”
Autospies headline: “NHTSA Tells Tesla "Not So Fast" Over Safest Vehicle Ever Claim For Model 3.”
Newsmax headline: “Pope Francis: Abortion Is Like Hiring a Hit Man to Solve a Problem.”
DRUDGE headline: “‘Emotional support’ squirrel gets passenger removed from flight.”
Newsmax headline: “Michael Bloomberg Re-registers as a Democrat Ahead of 2020 Decision.”
DRUDGE headline: “Taylor Swift-Led AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS Hit All-Time Low in Ratings.”
Motor 1 headline: “7 Crazy Driving Laws You Didn’t Know Existed. You may think the rules of the road are universal, but driving laws actually differ slightly from state to state.”
FARK headline: “In a totally not self-serving move, Uber wants to make it more expensive for you to drive your own car. Because that wouldn't push more people to use their service at all.”
FARK headline: “Hey remember ‘Road Rage?’ Turns out it's still a thing. And here’s video of someone who would probably shoot better if he didn’t have to hold his shorts up.”

FARK headline: “Before you accept a check for $30,000 from a woman in payment for your truck, make sure she was never on the Judge Judy show for conning a yoga studio.”
FARK headline: “Homeowner cuts off most of suspect’s hand during home invasion, hopes cops give him the finger.”
FARK headline: “Remember in War Games how NORAD could be compromised by WOPR’s stupidly weak password? Thank goodness real military cybersecurity is much more rigorous than that, right? RIGHT?”
FARK headline: “No injuries reported after explosion at Wisconsin ethanol plant. Officials suspect alcohol was involved.”
FARK headline: “Woman won $50 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, used that to win $100,000 raffle.”
FARK headline: “If you’re in Florida & haven’t evacuated yet, you’re probably screwed.”
FARK headline: “Man's best friend not always manhood's best friend.”
FARK headline: “Florida police seeking home invader who hit sleeping woman with vase. Finally, one for the cold vase files.”
“An older gentleman returned to a Mercedes dealership, where the salesman had just sold the car he had been interested in to a beautiful blonde in a miniskirt. The old man was visibly upset. ‘Young man,’ he said, ‘I thought you said you would hold that car until I raised the $55,000. Yet I just overheard you close the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.’ The salesman took a deep breath, grinned a little bit, then said, ‘What can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn’t need any financing help, & look at her. How could I resist?’ Just then the young woman walked up & gave the car keys to the old man. ‘Here you go, Daddy,’ she said with a big smile. ‘I told you I could get this idiot to lower the price.’” (Bill Kirby, The Augusta Chronicle, September 3)
“A funeral procession pulled into cemetery near Beaufort, S.C. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it. A passer-by remarked: ‘That guy must have been a really avid fisherman.’ ‘Oh, very much so,’ responded one of the mourners. ‘As a matter of fact, he’s headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.’” (Frank Allen c/o Bill Kirby, The Augusta Chronicle, August 30)
“In a convent in Ireland, the 99-year-old mother superior lay quietly. She was dying. Nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands of flowers around her & trying to make her last journey comfortable. They wanted to give her warm milk to drink but she declined. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it & poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior’s bed, they lifted her head gently & held the glass to her lips. The very frail nun drank a little, then a little more, &, before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader. ‘Mother,’ the nuns asked earnestly, ‘Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us.’ She raised herself very slowly on one elbow, looked at them, & said: ‘Don’t sell that cow.’” (Everett Fernandez c/o Bill Kirby, The Augusta Chronicle, September 6)
“The light turned yellow just in front of him. The driver did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk. The tailgating woman was furious & honked her horn, screaming in frustration. As she was yelling, she heard a tap on her window & looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, & placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, she was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. ‘I’m very sorry for this mistake,’ he said. ‘I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, & cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the “What Would Jesus Do” bumper sticker, the “Follow Me to Sunday school” bumper sticker, & the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.’” (Frank Allen c/o Bill Kirby, The Augusta Chronicle, September 13)
Having recently moved to town, Gladys Dunn decided the first Sunday that she’d visit the church nearest her new apartment. She soon found herself in a pretty sanctuary as the music began. She enjoyed it & enjoyed the choir. The pastor’s sermon, however, was terrible. His remarks were unfocused, he rambled & talked way too long, & soon she noticed many in the congregation were having trouble staying awake. Finally, it was over & the closing hymn was sung. Turning & preparing to leave she noticed a sleepy looking gentleman sitting nearby. Hoping to appear sociable, she stuck out her hand & told him, ‘I’m Gladys Dunn.’ The older man looked up at her & said, ‘You and me both.’” (Bill Kirby, The Augusta Chronicle, July 19)
“Years ago a tough old cowboy told his grandson the secret to living a long life. He said it was simply to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his breakfast cereal each morning. The grandson did this until he died at 103. He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 20 great-great-grandchildren, & a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.” (Bill Kirby, The Augusta Chronicle, September 17)
“A husband & wife are on the ninth green when suddenly she collapses. ‘Help me, dear,’ she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cellphone, talks for a few moments, picks up his putter, & lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green & stares at him. ‘I’m dying here & you’re putting.’ ‘Don’t worry, dear,’ says the husband calmly, ‘they found a doctor on the 2nd hole & he’s coming to help you.’ ‘Well, how long will it take for him to get here?’ she asks feebly. ‘No time at all,’ says her husband. ‘Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.’” (Bill Kirby, The Augusta Chronicle, September 18)
“A man looked over toward his girlfriend, winked, & said, ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.’ She looked back, smiled, & said, ‘I’ll miss you.’” (Bill Kirby, The Augusta Chronicle, August 13)
“A salesman driving down a country road accidentally drove it into a ditch. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with a big old horse named Bobby. He hitched Bobby to the car & yelled, ‘Pull, Nellie, pull!’ Bobby didn’t move. Then the farmer hollered, ‘Pull, Buster, pull!’ Bobby didn’t respond. Once more the farmer commanded ‘Pull, Coco, pull!’ Nothing. Then the farmer called out, ‘Pull, Bobby, pull,’ & the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was appreciative but also a bit curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name 3 times. ‘Well,’ said the farmer, ‘Bobby is not only old, but doesn’t see well. If he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try.’” (Bill Kirby, The Augusta Chronicle, August 30)

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