A single year
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August 19, 1988 What a day! I called my mother on this the one year anniversary of her stroke. She is ok! She is the same as when we left Florida. I am grateful she is alive and has her senses. Dad seemed to be more aware of Mom's condition than ever. We went shopping and it was fun. We bought $20 worth of insignificant items all at a discount store, a $50 dress for special like Christmas ware for Linda, and we went to another Major League Baseball game. I feel guilty, but Lord, thank you, - it was great, great, fantastic plays, and I thank you for this day. Keep us healthy, Lord, and continue to hold us up. Stand firm with us, O Lord – we feel your love and hope you feel ours too! August 20, 1988 Law I am as convinced as Paul that law was something contrived by man because man did not have the strength to try to live by the law of God. There is no need for law whatsoever. There is a need for man to really believe in the one Lord God. If man believed in God, man would strive with all man's considerable strength to live by the law of God. The law of God, and there is only one such law is love! If I live in love, I need not fear how you live. If I live in love, I need not fear how anyone lives. It does not matter how I am treated if I live in love for I will know only love. Man says that what I have just written is bull! Man says that the reality of life is that if I am hurt, if someone I love is hurt, I will hurt and therefore react, not necessarily in love. God says live in love! I want to try to live in love. I am afraid. The question is am I more afraid of the consequences of man than the love I feel my God has for me. In other words I can deal with God later and I have to deal with being human now. I don't know. I do know! I know of God's love and I know what I believe. What I believe is God's love is unlimited and I know it will protect me. Sometimes I seem to forget what I know. Stand firm with me Lord, hold me up. August 21, 1988 I am afraid not to believe and yet I have trouble believing. I see disaster ahead and know how to avoid it, yet, more often than not I find myself in a disastrous position. I love with all my being and I still I resist being loved. I fall down often but so far I always scramble back up. It is in the constant picking up of one's self that truth is found. Each time I truly believe I will not fall again. I believe this with all that I am even knowing the likely truth is I will fall again. What does all this make me? Less of a man? No, I think it makes me more of what I am and what I am is God's child growing so very slowly toward the fullness of life. I probably will never achieve the fullness of life, yet I never intend to quit trying for it. It is the little wrong things I do that no one but God and I know about that concerns me. These are the things I must change for if I do not, then all the work I have done to get as far as I am, and that is much farther than when I was younger, well all that will be for naught if I can't get these things under control. I have started to begin to control my thoughts. I have begun to resist evil thoughts where I used to relish in them. Maybe now I can begin to resist these small but equally evil habits. Lord God, I most intend to try but you must help me. Stand firm with me and hold me up. Please do not turn me loose or drop me. Protect me and mine from me until me is replaced with you. I love and need and count on you and your love. John August 22, 1988 Today is my sister Maggie's birthday. She is 42 years old and has had a somewhat difficult life. I think it has been more difficult than mine because I have had my wife as a constant companion. I think it has been more difficult than mine because I have always had, albeit not perfect, but still, I have always had a relationship with my God that was personal and special. This relationship has been with me since before I was born. My first memories are of my God speaking to me. My first early memories are of my God speaking in a gentle and deeply personal way to me. I did not listen or appreciate this relationship for the longest time in my life. I do now! I hope Maggie, my sister will somehow have a special relationship with God too. I know my God loves her and I just know Maggie and I are not so very different. The last tine I visited her, I was struck by the incredible difference in the way we seem to view, seem to take part in life. I felt superior because I knew God. What a terrible way to feel. I treasure my relationship with my God and I treasure my growth. I also know I have just begun to grow and I pray my God will not let me stop growing ever. I am ashamed because I felt superior. I am ashamed for thinking my sister did not share the same knowledge I had. If her life had been different I know she would have so much more knowledge than I could ever have. In her way I just know she loves the same God I love and know. I love my sister so very much I guess I just wanted her to share the same knowledge I am privileged to have. When she did not see God as I saw God, I immediately felt she really did not know God. I was wrong. I love you God but I do not have an exclusive hold on relationships with you. Please forgive me for my ignorance. I guess Lord that today on Maggie's birthday, you have given me the present. Please give her a present also. Thanks Lord, John
August 23, 1988 Nikki Marie married Andy Raichlin in Utica, New York today around 2 pm in a civil ceremony. She just called. Linda and I told them we loved and supported them. We are sending them $150 for a wedding gift. We welcome Andy into our family and told them they would have no problem with us. O God, were you there when this happened? Are you a part of their life? You know God, people do not understand when I tell them conventional religion ideas don't work. They just do not. We need your strength Lord. More and more I just want to be left alone. I want a small home, enough money to support ourselves, and simply to live a life of writing and reading and loving you. Give us our health and give us a chance to get out of the trap we find ourselves in. Lift us up and hold us tight, Lord. Do not let us go. Give us strength. Just please love us this night. August 24, 1988 The music minister at St. Mary broke off the end of his key in the rectory door tonight. I called a locksmith and within reason took care of the problem. Nobody hurts. I have lots of little aches and pain. The hollowness and prickly pins in my left side bother me. I should see a doctor but I don't feel great about any of the doctors I have met here. I probably just worry too much I stay so tense trying to keep my guard up. I have been so worried about Nikki, Linda, Jamie, Gigi, and keeping my job, having some money saved. Go posh Lord, I am worrying myself crazy. No wonder I ache and hurt. No wonder I am just a little depressed. Jesus heal me. Jesus heal my body and heal my mind. Jesus I give it all up to you. I cannot take care of all I am trying to or all I am worrying about. My Jesus how I love you, and how you love me. So there it is or rather here it is.
John
August 27, 1988 Praise you O Lord for you are indeed the Lord God of all! My soul cries loud with exultation at the thought of so great a God. I am filled with the knowledge that you O God, are the only God. My mouth from which so often garbage flows shouts out Only the absolute truthfulness of all truths There is one God and this God is mighty and wonderful. There is one God and this one God is perfect love. There is never a balance to this one God For there is no balance now or ever to perfect love. Perfect love is unlimited and unlimiting and unconditional. There is nothing to compare to you O God O Perfect Love. John
In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, son of man, brother of the Spirit, wisdom of God, this is in whose name I begin this day and now write. God who is love created all that is, was, and will be, out of unconditional love. We, you and I exist only because of unconditional love. Unconditional love is all powerful. It is not a just or fair love for unconditional love has no justness of fairness. Just and fair are things that man has created for man's sake. If all things were of perfect love, unconditional love, there would be no need for man to have a need for justness or fairness for in love there is wholeness. Man is not perfect. Man is flawed by the spirit of the Evil One who is not God but a certain power of appeal to man who is human. It is this Evil one that has come and dwells within man that most of the time has control of man's spirit. Within each and every man is the real spirit. Within all humanity is the core, the central part, of all life. The core or center of all life is God and God is love and that love is all powerful and has no equal. It is up to each man to reach into his being and call on the love that is God that dwells within. But man must beware of calling God out for when God hears man's call, God answers. God answers with unlimited and unlimiting love which the Evil One who also resides within man cannot understand, handle, or tolerate. There must be conflict. This conflict is painful almost beyond man's ability to understand or handle. The key is almost for there is nothing that is almost in love. In love all is! The love that is God that dwells within each of us is unlimited and unlimiting, and all everything and God. In this love is the origin of humanity. Through this love is the eternal nature of man. Man has become comfortable with just and fair. Man has become comfortable with the pleasures of the evil that is also residing in man. Man with thought has chosen evil over love. Love is now a difficultly for man. Humanity is more at home with law and order and balance and what is right and what is wrong, than with love. Love is too simple! Love is too easy! Love is too demanding! Humanity must find love once again. At some point each human must come to an understanding of God and evil. God is love, evil is an easier choice. There is only one hope for humanity and that hope is the knowledge that love is eternal and unending and that love is unconditional so no matter the choices that humanity makes, the Lord God renames within all humanity. God is there now and always patiently waiting for that time when humanity calls God forth. I warn you O humanity, when you with all your heart and soul call this God forth, beware, God will come and you will be changed. Even if after God has come you have chosen to reject God. You will not be the same for then you will have to live with the knowledge that once in your life you knew your God. You knew love. I warn you even more that if you call your God, that God will come. And if, you accept your God, if you accept love, you will become an outcast among the living for the living has not come where you will find yourself. Am I warning you not to call upon your God then? No indeed! I have called and I know of his presence. I also know of the incredible joy that comes with wisdom. The incredible unity of being one with God, the unspeakable joy of being one in love in God, and, the feeling of deep failure and rejection which is almost beyond comprehension when you see and others do not. For me I have made my choice and there is no, nor can there ever be any, other choice. I know my god loves me and so if man rejects me for what I am striving now to be which is Christ-like, so be it. I joyfully encourage and seek you to join me on this journey. Stand firm with me Lord and hold me tight. Do not, O Lord, turn me loose as I will surely fall if you do. John
August 29, 1988 My manuscript was rejected one more time. I feel as though I may never be published and yet I know that I have written things God wanted me to. So why does God want me to write. I may never know the answer, yet, I know God wants me to write, and so I do. Tell them about me. This is what I heard God say to me. Tell them about my heart, I heard my Lord say. I have nothing new to write and yet what I have written is real and complete. God's heart and soul is love. God's being is love and God is love and man has rejected love for law. I think some men are now beginning to try to live in love. Man does not yet understand what love is and yet man is now seeking the knowledge of love. The physical pleasures of the body have been mistaken for love by man. The wholeness of a man's mentality is not love. Love is God. God resides in man and is there for man to discover. Man has not really searched for God. Now is the time for man to look for God. If man really looks for God, God will find man. That is the way it has to be for man cannot find God. Man has not the wisdom necessary to find God. If man will look hard and long enough for God, God will find man. Grant us O Lord the will to look for you. Stand firm with us and lift us up. August 30, 1988 When I think about what have not done, I am frustrated. When I think about what I have done, I am exhilarated. When I think about the prospect of doing nothing, I pray most fervently my Lord will never let it be.
It will not be pleasing to the one I am trying to please. Then it becomes a real question who is it I want to please. The answer quite often is not who I imagined it to be. Then I wonder why I am so disappointed in their reaction. Sometimes if I please myself I feel I did it right. Yet, if I please myself, something is missing. There is more to life than pleasing only one's self. There is more to life than pleasing someone else. It only works when the one you're pleasing is your creator.
I think the maker would say yes indeed it is possible. I wonder what the one who was made would say. Would you say it was possible or would you say you're not perfect? Maybe the pleasing lies only in the trying to please and, not so often in the actual accomplishment of the deed. There are other thoughts on this matter. Some are better than mine I'm sure. One final thought is this, I will share if it is done in love with love and by a loving being. You can rest completely assured that it will be pleasing.
then only if what is done is of the nature of God. If what is done is of man's nature it is of evil. If it is of God's nature, it is of love. There is a part of man that is God which is love. When this part of man is the energy then it is of God. God is always present, love is always present. Man does not always acknowledge the part of man that is God. That is why when it is of man it is always evil. When it is of the part of man that is God, it is not of man, then it is the Godly part of man, therefore it is of God. When it is of God, it is always of love. September 1, 1988 The first day of a new month. I have written faithfully for eight months now without fail. There is the realistic knowledge that what I have written may in fact never be read by anyone except me. Somehow I know that why I am writing, have written, is special, important and I know a strange way it would be so, will be so, even if 1 am the only one who reads or understands what I am writing. I am very concerned about my mouth and the real possibility of serious periodontal disease. I ask my God to heal me, to repair me and to stand with me. I am somewhat afraid yet I know God is with me and this is just one more thing I must be trusting of my God about. God will take care of me. I know it. Help me O Lord to do your will. Stand firm with me and do not turn me loose. September 2, 1988 Columbus, Ohio We are in a motel determined to relax this Labor Day weekend. Lots of things happening in the parish this weekend. St. Francis finishing up, carpet cleaning, our porch being fixed, and still we need to get away and relax. Lord God, take care of my daughter and their new husbands. Look after Jamie, Linda, and me. Stand firm with us and hold us up. Protect us and keep us healthy. Amen – John September 3, 1988 Well it rained all day and night and once again we drove, and drove, and drove and came very late back home. 11:45 PM. We did see Ohio. We walked some at the Hocking Hills, drove Route 7 on the Ohio River, and were much impressed by the Amish country on Route 39. Love you God, stand firm with us, and keep us healthy. John September 4, 1988 Sunday We went to 11:30 mass. Father called us around 1:15: to find a key at the rectory. Good thing we were back. All in all it has been a nice day. We had nice telephone talks with both Gigi and Nikki and Tim and Andy. My vision in all but one thing is not real clear and I would guess that the one vision that is clear will become more clouded as I get older. I expect something enormously great and wonderful to happen momentarily. What I know not yet I question not that it will happen. This is the beginning of the fulfillment of me doing wonderful and important things for God. I just know this is what I am expecting. Something great, glorious, and super good. A great magnificent gift to me from God is about to happen. This gift will affect many more people than I can think of. I love you my God and I await your gift. John . September 5, 1988 Today was supposed to be a day free from labor. A day of rest and relaxation. To an extent it has been such a day. Jamie and Linda have been restless and at each other a good portion of the day. Possibly because I did not take control of the day and demand we do certain things. Like go to the zoo and the ball game in Detroit. I added to their anger. I did not mean to! I simply thought they really wanted to stay home and have a nice day here. We are not accustomed to that kind of a day right now. We did so much of that in the recent past that now that we have a little money, we want, have a need, to get out and do. We have been so poor we forgot what it is to be normal, whatever normal is. Even though we tell people about how we lived, they truly can not fathom it. The world of Defiance, Ohio is for the most part a rich, affluent society. At least the parish of St. Mary in Defiance is so rich it can not understand nor does it want to understand real poverty. For me, I would rather be poor and really caring than rich and unable to feel or understand. It is not that the rich cannot understand, or fell. It is more that they choose not to really want to. Even if they really want to I question if their place in society will allow them to. I don't see how we can work out here and yet I so want to do good and honorable job. Stand with us Lord, hold firmly to us and lift us up so that this day might yet be a good and Godly day. We love and depend on O mighty God. September 6, 1988 It's the little things that get you. I sing with all my being all my heart and usually, it is then the God is most clearly seen in me. Today I practiced to lead the music at the 8AM mass next Sunday and afterward I felt I was inadequate to lead anybody's music anywhere. I was told I had no sense of timing and it is true. I just am not used to being told about it so often and so firmly. I sing as I feel and normally that is more than ok, yet I know the young man who was rehearsing me was doing his job and doing it well. Boy it was tough on me. I was fasting and Linda went to get makings for tuna salad and while she was gone, my frustration took over and I had a bowl and a half of left over stew. She would not have minded me having it, yet I deliberately waited until she went to the store and then fixed me a bowl so nobody would know. Hey, it's the little things. So Lord stand firm with me anyway and hold me up. I love and need your support. Father had a tough day also today. Maybe I held him up just a very little. I hope so. He had a funeral and a home visit that was even tougher. Stand with all of your children Lord. We need and love you. Thank you for loving us. September 7, 1988 I am feeling tense, uneasy, maybe scared, maybe just tired. I still expect something wonderful and great to happen almost immediately, but what? I am sleepy, yet I feel the need for something. O Lord, lift me up and keep me safe. Maybe I want something great to happen. Probably I do. Maybe it is just I need something good and outstandingly wonderful to happen. Probably that's it. Perhaps it is just for whatever reason I sense something wonderful is about to take place. Something that will change my life forever and it will be good. I believe that as long as what happens is what my God wants to happen everything is fine. I also believe that man allows things to happen to man that maybe God would not have chosen to happen. I do not believe in predestination. I believe in choice. Somewhere in my life now I chose to be a believer of my God. I chose to accept my God's love. Was I predestined to make such a choice? No I don not thing so. Yes, I was chosen by God before I was born as is everyone. The difference is I am now freely choosing to accept that God has chosen me. Yüklə 1,1 Mb. Dostları ilə paylaş:
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