Corporate America

Now the most difficult will be to appear professional, not to be sulking in my corner, and yet avoid all their conversations and jokes about me that appear to be coming my way every hour. And yet you don’t see me complain. From their standard, if I had kept a record of everything they said to me in the last four months, I would have enough to claim harassment on the basis of my sexual orientation and sue their ass off. And that is without what I heard today, that I had to stop talking about my sexuality at work, when to be honest, I barely talk about it, they are obsessed with it and talk about it all the time. Something that I will have to make understand that is no longer acceptable. It is going to be difficult to make them understand that I cannot be part of any of their little jokes anymore and can no longer just chat with them for the heck of it. Many people complained about me, I think this is justification enough. And somehow I will need to make them understand to leave me alone without being direct. Because what I feel like telling the Valley Girl when she is coming to me all nice, is: you fucking bitch, don’t pretend to be nice and be my friend, when I know very well that you are a fucking big backstabber and tried to get me sacked. Well bitch, it did not work, and I am not about to give you anymore arguments to continue your little dangerous game. So just leave me alone, pretend I don’t exist, and everything might be fine.
And what I feel like telling the Fucking Spanish guy, next time he attacks me jokingly in the office, would go like this: I am deeply insulted by what you just said, let me go to the bosses to make an official complaint. Hopefully after three complaints, you will disappear from my life forever. Don’t try to be cool and everything, it just does not suit you. Because what you did the other day to me, pretending that you were all fragile to the bosses and that I hurt your little feelings when this is what you do all day to all of us, just does not qualify as cool. You’re an idiot who cannot understand anything about life, and now you will the consequences, because I am certainly not going to talk to you ever again. And you will feel that this is heavy. I cannot forgive you, and I will not forget.
Funny, my bosses spent a long time chanting my praises in the office before dropping the bomb. They said that they were highly satisfied with my performance, they know now that I am capable, they want to give me more responsibility, they have big plans for me, and they asked me if I was ready for it. I said yes, of course.
I don’t have the slightest idea what they were talking about, what these big plans for me actually means, but if I ever become the boss of the little morons around me who see me now as the little assistant with no power whatsoever, they will have a hard time, because I know them all too well. Nothing will work with me, and I will never take them seriously. If I can, I’ll get them all sacked, since obviously this is what they have been trying to do to me recently. I can play that game too, you’ll see. Bastards.
No more Mr. Nice. Because this is all I have ever been. Nice to all of them, joke with them, help them when they needed it, save them when they were in trouble, never complained about anything, pretending that everything is perfect, like I did again today in the office of my bosses. I am happy, everything is fine, we’re working hard and it is producing results.
I even praised the Senior Manager, when they put him down in front of me today in the office. They kind of suggested that he was babbling a lot, talking a lot, wasting a lot of time. And now I understand why his speech impediment went from bad to worse in the last few days.
He seemed to be talking fine four months ago, but now he is no longer. He can’t speak anymore, he is searching for his words, he repeats them all the time, he is even unable to look at me in the eyes. It is weird, I was wondering what was going on with him.
Perhaps it is guilt because he too might have complained against me. However it is unlikely, there is no way my bosses would be praising me right now if he had destroyed me in their eyes. He has trouble of his own, maybe he is facing the sack himself. What my bosses told me about him today, which I thought was completely unjustified, tells me a lot about the trouble he is in. And I don’t even care to find out who has backstabbed him, the whole office no doubt, starting with the director.
I may be also indirectly responsible for his downfall. My conference is the only Energy conference to have reached over $20,000 in sponsorship, and that is without the consideration that I confirmed five supporting organizations, which means a great deal in terms of marketing. None of his conference ever had one sponsor or one supporting organization, and it is clear that he must have told them that in the Energy area, that was not exactly popular. And now they must know he was bullshitting.
I am truly sorry if I have caused this. I heard the Valley Girl say about him that none of his conference had any sponsor, that his events were all crap. So at the root of his troubles, must again be the Valley Girl. I wish I could just go back in this office and tell my bosses: get rid of her. Or she will bring you down to your knees, she will destroy everything in her path until none of us can stand each other. She is a rotten apple causing trouble just for the heck of it. Can’t you see it? How can you be so blind?
And I hear her say again at the conference in San Francisco that the bosses had not even a clue about the events she is working on. That they felt it should not take six months to do them because all events were the same in their eyes. You bet that I don’t understand how you can spend six months recruiting 75 companies to say at the event: we want money! I reckon it would take me two months at most, without the two assistants she had on top of it to make these events come true. Which just shows that she is wasting her time. And she is, she is never at her desk working, she spends the day talking to everyone in the office or in the kitchen. And then she works some overtime later on to actually do her job she is not doing during the day, and it looks so good in the eyes of the bosses. And she certainly never fail to tell everyone that she worked until 7 the day before… it is such a sad story, I think she is sinking lower than anyone I had ever known. And I appear to be the only one to have found her out. Though the customer service girl did say to me in the car, while going at Burbank Airport, that all these people who have been sacked who were under her, looks very bad for her. Unfortunately, I doubt she is telling anyone else at work about that fact, and therefore the Valley Girl walks in there every morning as the Queen Bee of the office. I thought she would destroy herself in the process eventually, I’m not so sure anymore. She will still be there in ten years, a Director no less, and it will be chaos. And as the Director, she will always be right. How can they be so blind? Is probably because they choose to. Like me today, they should have sacked me, but I have proven to them that I was capable, that I had potential, and now they are ignoring all the complaints against me. Poor souls that I am working with, I had no idea I was corrupting them with my sexuality. Well perhaps it is because I have one, and they obviously have none. Let’s see what I can do to spare them this hell. From now on, I will be the most silent employee they have ever seen. And when I will announce to them that I am leaving in less than a month, I will blame it all on the Valley Girl. I won’t, but I wish I would.
I will not resist however doing a little speech next time they unanimously attack me, especially on the fact that I am gay. I will have to say that many of you complained about me to the bosses and that I was surprised I had not been sacked. That I now need to be professional, and I can no longer get involved in their discussions. So please ignore me, leave me alone, I have work to do. It will shut them up, it will be embarrassing to them, however I fear it will not in the slightest make them feel guilty. If anything they will spend the rest of the day talking about me in my back. Because so is their nature. I guess I can only blame myself for having got involved in their little jokes, that now they are blaming on me, as if I was the instigator of all that crap, when I never was. What a bunch of hypocrites.
I thought I had seen it all, in my years working in conferences, but I was deeply mistaken. They are masters of childish mind games and behaviors, the least professional people I have ever worked with in my career. Why should I be surprised? We’re in America. What everyone else is everywhere else, Americans are always more extreme in everything they think and do. They may ultimately be more successful, but the price to pay is very high. No wonder they invented the term clinical depression and burn out, it has nothing to do with the job at hand, it is the nightmare of suffering co-workers totally out of control.
Oh well, one more argument to justify my soon to happen disappearance. I still have no idea what these big plans my bosses have for me really means, but I doubt now that I will find out before I tell them that it is game over. I have to say, for the first time today they truly made an effort to tell me they appreciated me, which is a first. Unfortunately it comes too late. And all I was able to say, stupid as I am, is that I understood that if they were not talking to me, it meant that everything was fine. What they understood by that, and I did not mean to suggest it, was that every time they called me in the office was to tell me how dissatisfied they were with me, and to threaten me somehow. And even today was not exactly wonderful. I had to go walk outside to take in what I just heard. The injustice of what the Spanish guy dropped on me. If anything, everyone in the office could have made an official complaint against him for much worse that his own complaint against me. And I did not fail to mention it to my bosses. I don’t think it sank in though, despite the liberties that the Spanish guy takes, he is still very much appreciated in that office. I would have loved to hear his complaint against me, since it seems so out of character for him. It is like if the biggest bastard ever, that everyone knew was the biggest bastard ever, came into the bosses’ office one day to complain that the little Chinese girl who never says anything in her little corner, who is so sweet, is the biggest bastard of all.
I will appear to them as a destroyed man in the next few days. They have no idea how strong I am, as an observer of the corporate world, denouncing them back here. They have no idea how much shit I’ve gone through in my career and how I never cared enough for any job to let all these mind games get to me. If anything, I feel stronger now. They have confirmed everything I thought about them, that I predicted would happen.
You might think that I am asking for all of this, that my own behavior must be inviting these complaints. I assure you, I am nothing but nice and helpful at work. I work very hard and never cause any problem when there is no need to. I do not deserve any of what just happened, and as a proof I am not the only one who suffers. They are all facing the sack themselves because they are all backstabbing each other on a regular basis everyday. You only have my side of the story, I’m sure however that I am in much less trouble than everyone else working there. They have all destroyed each other, and I wonder what my bosses feel like when they go back home and think about it at night. They must be laughing real hard, at how stupid we all are, fighting to prove that we are better than the next one and deserve some sort of promotion and more money, while everyone else should be sacked. I hope so anyway, because if they are losing sleep over this, it would mean than no one on this planet will ever find peace or happiness.
10 March 2006
For me March has always been terrible month, and I always thought, especially in Canada, that it was linked to the weather. The spring coming, but not quite, the winter that just will never end, and people in schools, colleges and university getting ready for exams or whatever, an explosive mix which makes everyone very tired and prompt to cause more problems than usual.
I would have thought that in L.A., with the permanent summer, this would not be the case. However this week has been frantic, everyone was out of control, for a while I thought a few people would get sacked, because they went too far, me included.
After I learnt about the complaints against me yesterday, today I have not said one word in the office, except when it was about business, and I kept it to a minimum. The backstabber Spanish guy has not looked at me once, and did not talk to me. So he knows what happened. Even the Valley Girl did not talk too much to me, but she is quite the bitch, she hurts in your back, indirectly, so she cannot be blamed, and then she goes back to you and she wants to hear how fed up you are and how much you suffer.
Good thing she did not speak to me, I could have exploded in her face, and tell her: don’t be hypocrite, you know very well that all that is happening right now is your fault, that you complained against me too, don’t pretend to be nice and to be my friend.
The Spanish guy might feel guilt now, I don’t know. He was getting ready for his conference for next week, he won’t be there until Wednesday or Thursday. Thank god. So he was under a lot of stress, he had a lot to do, and he was in a bad mood. Could have been the conference, could also have been the fact that the Chinese girl was not there today, one day before going to her own event. So it left the Spanish guy in the shit.
The real disappointment was for Isabella, as speaking Spanish too, she loves the Spanish guy, and she really likes me too. That he could have done that to me, is beyond comprehension to both of us, as it is certainly out of character, especially for someone who has crossed the line on a regular basis with everyone in the office. I could myself have complained against him so many times, of course I would never. I would first speak to him, before denouncing him officially and get him into trouble. That is more like a murder, a simple elimination of people you don’t like at work. You do that when you want to get rid of them. That’s why it was so surprising coming from him. If it had been that easy to get rid of me, he would definitely have been next, since anyone right now could complain against him, and I’m surprised nobody did, yet.
And now, if you thought these were real problems, wait until I tell you about the ones of Stephen in England. He too was under a new Manager who has sacked over 10 employees since he started. He tried very hard to get Stephen out, but it did not work because the big big boss likes Stephen, since he works so hard. So the Manager patiently waited until Stephen made a mistake, and of course he did.
He brought his new dog in a cage in a car he was delivering, he needed to go to the vet and it was well after working hours, and the customer complained. Stephen has now been suspended pending an investigation and a disciplinary meeting. So basically he has lost his job. The ten others have all been sacked on technicalities, and for much worse than having his dog in the car of a customer.
And then, even if he had not lost his job on that one, he was caught going too fast by a policewoman the very same day. He already has 12 points on his license, he barely escaped losing his driving license six months ago for speed again. So he will anyway lose his driving license now, and therefore would have had to quit his job as a driver. So now, there is no money getting in. He is in deep trouble, and of course, that means I am also in deep trouble. It all happened on the same day, yesterday. The stars must have been badly placed for sure.
Crisis situations demand radical decisions. Now my conference business has become a necessity, and I need to start it as soon as possible. Which means I need to go back to London as early as I can, and we need to make money real quick. If everything go as planned, I might be back in London before the end of the month. However it is tricky. Though I have no doubt I can leave work at any time, I cannot leave this apartment until the end of April. They might let me go without all the penalties, hopefully, if not, well, I will have the time to get ready on my conferences from Los Angeles. Ready to sell as soon as I land in London.
None of us know exactly how we will pay our £1,500 a month we need to pay our bills, it would have been nice to have saved a bit for the rainy days ahead, but in this kind of society we’re living in, this is just not possible. I could also resume my old job back in London, however doing so is a certainty that the conference business will never be started, and then Stephen would have to find a job somewhere else, and the dream of independence would be over.
This is an opportunity, we need to seize it. The only obstacle is no money whatsoever to start a new business, and none to be expected, and of course, his parents. They will have a heart attack, and they will not let Stephen borrow on his mortgage. Even a little bit so we can survive three months, so we can start this business and make money.
The other problem of course is my financial situation, the company controlling my life right now, this so-called bankruptcy. It will be difficult to let them know that I left my job and that I intend to start a new business, not even in my name, but in the name of Stephen, so in effect I would only be an employee, a badly paid one at that. Not sure how they will react to that, I really don’t know what to expect.
And the worst thing now is the wait. To find out if Stephen has really lost his job, but never mind, he will anyway lose his driver license. So it is un fait accompli, and yet, we need to wait before making rash decisions or moving too fast. He has not told his mom yet… and instead of helping him with the new business, she said in the past that she would actually disinherit him. So it should be a lot of fun.
All of this might lead to a greater good, but at this time, it is very hard to conceptualize. These are difficult times and I am not sure how we will get out of it. For now I should just try to decompress from this week of hell. I have two days to get back on my feet before another week of hell. And I even have to work on my conference this weekend. I have been given two days to finish it, when it would take another two weeks. Great! Wonderful! Especially when I could instead be working on my own business.
13 March 2006
I found it hard today at work. Continuing my silence policy, concentrating on my job, and not going anywhere fast with this conference. I worked all night yesterday on it, on a Sunday, and today I am reaping the reward as I confirmed many more people. However I still have only one sponsor that I did not find, and only two supporting organizations (though this is the fault of my Senior Manager who does not want to give 15% discount to the whole planet, so he kinds of tell me to not invite them, and I think it is crazy).
This morning the Valley Girl dared ask me how my weekend was, after the week from hell I had last week, most likely of her. I said: fine. And then she left. So I went to Isabella, and said very low that she was such a hypocrite. And then I think the Chinese Girl heard me, and she immediately left, and they talked somewhere outside the office for over 20 minutes before coming back in. I have no doubt now that this is war and that I am not likely to win it, since I cannot just go and gossip to my bosses against them, when it is obviously their favorite past time.
I don’t feel like going back there, I am much more productive working from home, in that kind of state of mind I am in. I doubt my bosses would let me work from home though. I can’t stand anyone at the moment at work, hearing their voices is simply making me lose my hard on for anything. I walk like a ghost without energy, ready to explode if anyone even dare speaking to me. I don’t know where this is leading, I don’t want to find out!
I have now returned from work. Gosh, this was another hard day, not because I had to suffer any bullshit, in fact the Valley Girl did not speak to me for the rest of the day, but because I am working so hard on this conference, and thankfully today I have achieved a miracle. I confirmed over 12 more panelists and the Senior Manager was impressed. If I had not worked last night from home, God only knows that today I would have been called in the office so they could have told me how incompetent I am. Conferences, as I always said, is just a string of miracles. This is what is required to succeed in the allocated time.
I have been thinking about my forum a lot recently, the one on one of my French websites. After that agency wanted to sue me, and after my forum went offline for god knows how long, I went back to read a bit what all those people are saying in there. After all, if I am responsible for everything they write, that I will be the one being sued and pay the price, I might as well keep an eye on what they are saying. I just understood that my whole website could go offline instantly overnight if one innocent person, without thinking, states something like: that company is stealing from its customers. It could be quite true, and yet, I would have to prove it myself in a court of law once they decide to sue me for defamation. Something I don’t particularly wish to spend time and money in. So I censored my forum, I got rid of the supposed defamation, and now I am not certain if I feel better.
What made me feel better however is to understand how popular that forum is. Thousands of people are on there on my website every day writing about literature, science fiction, etc. I also discovered that it was packed with writers, published ones, and many teachers and professors. I have an army there waiting to be exploited, I should have taken advantage of them a long time ago, instead of just letting them causing trouble and discussing between them without interfering or even participating. I hate forums, you see, even my own.
When I was about to leave for work at lunch time, I was full of energy, I was ready to write a new novel, my first one in English. I could have worked on it all afternoon, and then, after it is started, I always finish it. But now, I am so dead, the thought of even starting it is far from my mind. And therefore, it will probably take me another year before I feel like beginning again. Perhaps never.
Sometimes you get a moment of clarity, and if you do not act upon it immediately, it is gone forever. However, in this case, it might not disappear so quickly from my mind. Because the story is already pretty much all written already, the synopsis at the very least.
After reading all the books by Dan Brown, I was thinking that it was time I started to write a sci-fi novel in English. My first tentative for a novel in English was not that great, and I have never finished it. My English in those days was terrible, and I never really planned to make it good.
I’m not sure if my English is good enough today, I even considered writing this book in French. However, it is so unlikely to be published, and even if it was, I would sell so little copies and make so little money, that writing in French would be a big waste of time.
So I was wondering what great story I could come up with for my novel. I was thinking about Dan Brown and Arthur C. Clarke, and how much research they had to do to write their books, flying somewhere to make sure they described something the way it really is, etc. And then I realized that I have no time to read on any subject to come up with the perfect novel and idea. Thankfully I have already gone everywhere in Europe and in America, so perhaps I don’t need to fly somewhere just so I can describe something the way it is. I will have to talk from memory, and just invent the rest.