Ephesians

The Cure for Conflict

In Ephesians 5:21, the apostle Paul takes up the issue of Christian relationships. In a single sentence, he spells out the solution to all the conflicts that ever take place among Christians. That sentence is this: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

This statement is the summary statement, of everything he will say from this point through Ephesians 6:9. He will apply this theme to situation after situation in the church and in the Christian family. It is the remedy for all the conflicts we encounter as Christians.

Mutual submission is not the way the world solves social issues and conflicts. The world’s way of solving problems is to assert power. We engage in political conspiracies, or we stage a protest or a riot, or we call out the National Guard, or we call a press conference to get public opinion on our side, or we picket and boycott and strike. I’m not condemning these approaches. I’m just saying they are the approaches of the world, the application of force or pressure or persuasion.

Paul says, in effect, “As a Christian, you are not to use the world’s approach to solving problems. You are not to seek power and leverage over one another. Instead of creating a power bloc, start on an individual level. Instead of trying to win the war, submit. Instead of seeking power, seek to give way.

This is always the way God says to solve problems. As you read through the New Testament, you notice that God never calls for corporate action in solving the basic problems of society. His solution is always addressed to individuals. Start where you are by doing one simple thing: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

In applying this, Paul will discuss the relationship of husbands to wives, which brings in the whole realm of marriage and the problems that arise there. Then he will take up the matter of children and parents, which brings in the whole issue of juvenile delinquency—its causes and what can be done about it. Then he will take up the issue of management and labor, masters and servants, employers and employees. In each case, the remedy is always the same: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

If we are going to understand the world in which we live and the reasons for the strife, conflict, and violence in the world, we have to go back to the basic cause of all human strife. It always begins at the level of the individual.

Every individual seeks fulfillment. God has placed the drive for fulfillment within each of us. It is not wrong to want happiness and satisfaction in life. The problem comes when two people, both in search of fulfillment and satisfaction in life, both set on the same goal, come together on a collision course. Perhaps it is two people who want the same promotion or position in a company. Or two church leaders who feel their approach to ministry should be adopted by the church (a story as old as Paul and Barnabas). Or two siblings who contend for the love and attention of a parent (as Jacob and Esau did in the Old Testament).

People who were once friends become enemies, unable to find any common ground for compromise, because the emotions and personal relationships have become poisoned with bitterness. It’s a tragic pattern that is played out again and again, day after day. But the apostle Paul introduces two radical and powerful factors that drastically alter the equation of conflict:

First, Paul reminds us that the path to true fulfillment doesn’t lie in pursuing our own wants and needs, but in seeking the fulfillment and happiness of others: “Submit to one another…”

Second, Paul reminds us of the presence of a third party who is present in all our relationships: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Let’s examine each of these factors in Paul’s equation for conflict resolution.

Submit to One Another…

The great paradox of the Christian life is that the more we focus on fulfilling ourselves, the emptier we become. That is a fundamental (but widely ignored!) law of life. That is why so many people in our society are asking the wrong question: “How can I get what I want so I can be fulfilled?” People who get what they want usually find that it doesn’t fulfill as they thought it would. It is only when we forget ourselves and devote ourselves to the fulfillment of others that we find our own hearts brimming with grace, peace, and satisfaction.

A billionaire was once asked how much money it takes to be happy. His answer: “Just a little bit more.” That’s the deception of self-fulfillment—even more than enough is never enough. We cannot fulfill ourselves by seeking our own happiness. We only attain happiness by giving happiness away to others. Our Lord put it this way: “For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it” (Matthew 16:25). And, “But seek first his [the heavenly Father’s] kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Matthew 6:33).

It becomes, then, a question of priority. What is the right way to find fulfillment? If we are Christians, we must face honestly and thoughtfully this pronouncement of our Lord that life is so constructed that if we try to find it we will never do so. You cannot have your rights by insisting upon them. You can have them only when you seek to give another person his rights. The person who loves and does not think of himself finds himself. The one who is constantly seeking is always cheated.

Do we dare to test the truth of our Lord’s paradoxical pronouncement? Do we dare to test the validity of this radical, revolutionary principle right where we live?

The problem is not that we have not known it, but that we do not act on it. We acknowledge it as true. We nod our heads when we hear these words of Christ. But when it comes to a specific situation where someone is cutting across our pathway and we find ourselves in the direct, head-on collision—our wants, our needs, our ego, our goals, our rights—we revert to the old basis by which the world lives: “I demand my rights!” The result is bitterness and division.

But Paul gives us the solution: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Do we dare to try it? Do we dare to apply this solution in the laboratory of life?

A true story: A Christian couple moved into their dream house. They had not been in their house more than a day when the new homeowner was confronted by his next-door neighbor in the yard. The neighbor screamed and threatened him because of some minor inconvenience. He threatened to take the Christian family to court if he was ever inconvenienced again.

Too shocked and disheartened to make any response, the Christian man trudged back inside and told his wife what all the yelling was about. “It seems our dream house came with one little drawback,” she glumly reflected, “a very cantankerous neighbor.”

“Honey, what are we going to do?” asked the man. “We wanted to live here the rest of our lives, but how can we live next to a man like that?”

His first (and completely natural) response was to want nothing to do with the cantankerous neighbor. Don’t antagonize him, don’t even speak to him—just cut him off. “Well,” said his wife, “why don’t we pray about it?” So they prayed.

A day or so later, the wife was baking a pie, and it occurred to her to make an extra pie for her neighbor. She baked it and, at lunch time, she took it over to the neighbor’s house. She rang the doorbell with fear and trembling. The door opened, and it was the wife of the cantankerous neighbor—and she looked even less friendly than her husband! Her face was set in hard, unyielding lines, and she said, “What do you want?”

The Christian woman tried to put a perky, joyful note in her voice as she said, “I was baking pies today, and I thought of you so I baked you this pie.” The neighbor lady took it, mumbled a thank-you, and went back inside.

About an hour later the phone rang. It was the wife of the cantankerous neighbor. Her voice sounded animated and pleased. “How did you know that was my husband’s favorite pie? He loves lemon meringue!”

And the Christian lady had an inspiration. “Well, that’s wonderful!” she said. “Why don’t you both come over to dinner tomorrow night?”

The neighbor lady seemed shocked. “Well—I’ll ask my husband.” She soon called back and said, “Yes, we’d love to come over.”

Over the next few weeks, these two couples became good friends and the once-cantankerous neighbor and his wife began coming to church with the Christian couple. That is what God wants to do with our conflicts. That is what He can do when we submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

…Out of Reverence for Christ

That brings us to our motivation for mutual submission in our relationships. As Christians, we must never forget that, in every relationship of life, another Person is present. Our conflicts are never just a matter of husband versus wife, parent versus child, boss versus employee, pastor versus parishioner, church member versus church member, neighbor versus neighbor. There is always a third Person present: the Lord Jesus Christ. To a worldling who does not recognize the universal presence of Christ, the primary concern is, “What I want versus what you want.” To the Christian, the primary concern is the lordship of Jesus Christ.

So here is the second half of the solution. The great issue for the Christian must never be, “What I want versus what you want,” but “What does Christ want me to do?”

Notice that, in the verses that follow Ephesians 5:21, Paul will place Christ at the center of every relationship and every conflict, again and again:

Ephesians 5:22: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.”

Ephesians 5:25: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

Ephesians 6:1: Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”

Ephesians 6:4: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

Ephesians 6:5: “Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ.”

Ephesians 6:9: “And masters, treat your slaves in the same way. Do not threaten them, since you know that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and there is no favoritism with him.”

In each of these relationships, the apostle reminds us that we do not face those relationships alone. Christ is in the midst of all our relationships—and all our conflicts. If we do not recognize His presence, then we cannot submit ourselves to one another. If we do not see Christ alongside us in our conflicts, we see only the adversarial relationship, me versus you. Pride immediately gets in the way, blocking communication and compromise, stiffening our stubborn determination to win at all costs.

“Let him back down first!” demands one. “Let her apologize first!” insists the other. When neither side moves off-center, the stage is set for war.

But when we see Christ, the One who gave His life to end the conflict between humanity and God, the One who reconciled us to God when we were sinners, then we realize that we owe everything to Him—including our submission and humility. Then we can step aside, we can back down—if not for the sake of the other person, then at least for the sake of Jesus, in response to the love and forgiveness He has given us.

When we insist on satisfying the urges within ourselves for self-justification or vindication, then those urges become our god. We have idolized the self. But if we obey Christ, we prove that He is our God. So our responsibility is to obey Him—our Lord and our God. We become willing to mutually submit ourselves because, as Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 5:14, “Christ’s love compels us.”

The World is Watching

If the world could see Christians living by the truth of Ephesians 5:21, I believe our nation would be radically changed. Our political institutions would change. Our race relations would change. Our neighborhoods would change. Family relationships would change. The world settles conflicts by force and manipulation because it has never had a better example to go by. We in the church have never set a better example, because all too often we have operated by the rules of the world instead of the guidelines of the Lord.

Paul tells us that the key to resolving conflict in the body of Jesus Christ is to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” The world is watching and waiting to see a demonstration of this key truth. Worldlings cannot grasp the reality of this principle until they see it in action among Christians.

We have the answer to conflict in our grasp. It is simple yet powerful. The only question is: Will we put it to use?

Study Questions

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Before you begin your study this week:

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  Pray and ask God to speak to you through His Holy Spirit.
  
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  Use only the Bible for your answers.
  
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  Write down your answers and the verses you used.
  
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  Answer the “Challenge” questions if you have the time and want to do them.
  
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  Share your answers to the “Personal” questions with the class only if you want to share them.
  

First Day: Read the commentary on Ephesians 5:15-21.

1. What meaningful or new thought did you find in the commentary on Ephesians 5:15-21 or from your teacher’s lecture? What personal application did you choose to apply to your life?

2. Look for a verse in the lesson to memorize this week. Write it down and post it in a prominent place. Make a real effort to learn the verse and its “address” (reference of where it is found in the Bible).

Second Day: Read Ephesians 5:22—6:9, concentrating on 5:22-24.

1. a. Ephesians 5:18 exhorts us to be filled and empowered by God’s Spirit. That is followed by a series of commands that we are enabled to do by the power of the Holy Spirit: speak, sing, make music, submit.¹⁰ Paul now helps us understand the various ways in which we submit to each other according to the position we hold in a particular relationship. In Ephesians 5:22-33 Paul addresses the marriage relationship. He speaks first to wives. What is the wife to do and in what manner, according to Ephesians 5:22,24?

b. Challenge: Read Genesis 2:18,22-24. What do you learn about man and woman and their relationship?

2. a. Remember, submission is mutual (see Ephesians 5:21). However, because the roles of husband and wife are different, there are different ways they submit to each other within a marriage. Submission doesn’t have anything to do with inferiority and superiority, but rather has to do with headship, which is authority and leadership. What do you learn about this within the marriage relationship from Ephesians 5:23?

b. What is the order of headship, as explained in 1 Corinthians 11:3?

3. a. As we search the Scriptures that describe the Lord Jesus in relationship to His Father, we will discover the elements that make up the headship of the Father, which will help us understand the headship of a husband. The first element deals with identity. What does John 10:30 say about Jesus Christ and the Father?

b. How does this compare to the husband and wife relationship from Matthew 19:4-6?

4. The next element deals with mutual cooperation. What do you learn about this from the relationship of Jesus to His Father in John 5:17 and 19, and how can you apply these principles to the marriage relationship?

5. The third element is shared honor. What does Jesus say in John 8:49 and 54 regarding His relationship with the Father? How might this apply in a marriage relationship?

6. In words full of mystery, Jesus suggests that even though He and the Father are identified with each other, cooperate with each other and honor each other, there is a difference of authority, the final element of the Father’s headship. What do John 8:29 and 14:28 say about this?

7. Personal: The wife’s primary duty is to Christ, even before her husband, although submitting to Christ includes submission to her husband. She is to submit to Christ first, and if submission to her husband ever comes in conflict with submission to Christ, then obedience to Christ takes precedence. Barring such extreme situations, the wife is to allow the husband to make final decisions, and she is to respect those decisions. Have today’s Scriptures changed your view on this matter, or helped you understand the wife’s position? If so, how?

Third Day: Review Ephesians 5:22—6:9, concentrating on 5:25-33.

1. a. Paul now addresses husbands. What are husbands commanded to do in Ephesians 5:25a?

b. Although the word love is misused and misunderstood in the English language, Paul explains exactly what he means. How is a husband to love his wife, according to Ephesians 5:25b? How might this be expressed in the marriage relationship?

2. a. The husband is not to be the slave-master, the cruel demeaning overlord of the wife, but rather is to be a self-sacrificing servant. To what end did Christ give Himself up for the church? (Ephesians 5:26-27)

b. Personal: Have you ever considered the implications of this? If you are a husband, what are you doing to help your wife become the woman God wants her to be? How might this become a blessing to you?

3. a. Christ is the model for husbands. From Ephesians 5:28-29a and Colossians 3:19, how should a husband behave toward his wife?

b. How does the relationship of Christ and the church show what the relationship of husband and wife should be? (Ephesians 5:29b-30)

4. a. How does the marriage relationship take precedence over other relationships? (Ephesians 5:31, quoting from Genesis)

b. Challenge: As we learned in the Lesson 2 Study Questions, in the Bible a mystery is a secret God understands, but which people cannot understand unless God discloses its meaning. What is the mystery that has just been disclosed to us in Ephesians 5:23-32?

5. What Paul has been describing once again is mutual submission according to the role of each individual within the relationship. How does he sum it up in Ephesians 5:33?

6. Personal: These subjects are delicate and often touchy, especially in today’s self-exalting society. Have you been convicted or encouraged in any areas? If so, how? Are there changes in actions or attitudes that you need to make? Why not pray about this now?

Fourth Day: Review Ephesians 5:22—6:9, concentrating on 6:1-4.

1. Paul now addresses the relationship of parents and children. From Ephesians 6:1, what are children to do and why?

2. What does Paul quote to back up his statement? (Ephesians 6:2)

3. a. We must remember, the child’s primary duty is to Christ. The child is to obey the Lord first, and if obedience to the parent ever comes in conflict with obedience to Christ, then obedience to Christ and His moral leadership takes precedence. Barring such extreme situations, the child is to obey the parent. What specific benefits of this obedience are listed in Ephesians 6:3?

b. Challenge: How do you think having an attitude of obedience might benefit the child throughout his or her life?

4. a. The word translated “fathers” in Ephesians 6:4 could also be translated “parents,” but generally refers to a male¹¹. From Ephesians 6:4a and Colossians 3:21, what are fathers or parents instructed not to do and why?

b. Challenge: Can you think of some ways parents might exasperate or embitter their children?

5. a. What are fathers or parents instructed to do? (Ephesians 6:4b)

b. From the following passages, make a list of things a parent might do to bring their child up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Deuteronomy 6:5-7

Proverbs 29:17

6. Personal: So we see children are to submit in obedience to the authority of the parent, and parents are to submit to their children by avoiding actions and attitudes that cause a child to rebel (not momentary anger over discipline, but the type of actions that, over time, tend to produce an overwhelmingly exasperated, frustrated, sullen, rebellious nature in a child). What has been most meaningful to you in today’s study?

Fifth Day: Review Ephesians 5:22—6:9, concentrating on 6:5-9.

1. a. In Ephesians 6:5-9 Paul sets forth principles that apply not only to slave and slave-master, but could also apply to the relationship between employee and employer. In addressing the slave (or employee) what does Paul say they should do? (Ephesians 6:5a)

b. The term “obey” is a military term that means “to follow orders.” What should our attitude be as we “follow orders”? (Ephesians 6:5b)

c. From Ephesians 6:6-8, why should we work with the same intensity and care whether we are being observed or not?

2. Challenge: Paul is not addressing the subject of slavery; he is addressing the attitudes of those who lived in a time when slavery was prevalent. Read 1 Timothy 1:9-11. With what group of people are slave-traders listed?

3. God doesn’t promise that your conditions of employment will change, or that your employer is going to be nice to you, but He does promise to reward you for all that you go through in obedience to Him. Perhaps you feel that you’re unable to deal with your particular situation. What do you learn 2 Corinthians 12:9?

4. Personal: God has promised to work all things together for our good (see Romans 8:28-29), and to be there to help us in everything. Whatever situation you are facing, God’s grace is there for you. How has today’s lesson helped you?

Sixth Day: Review Ephesians 5:22—6:9, concentrating on 6:5-9.

1. In Ephesians 6:9 Paul again carries out his theme of “submitting to one another.” He has told employees (slaves) to submit to their employers (slave-masters). What does he now command employers (slave-masters) to do? (Ephesians 6:9a)

2. Challenge: Paul says masters (employers) are to treat their slaves (employees) “in the same way.” Look back at Ephesians 6:5-8. How do you think this could be applied to employers?

3. From Colossians 4:1, what should masters (employers) provide for their slaves (employees)?

4. From the following passages, why should masters (employers) do all these things?

Ephesians 6:9b

Galatians 3:28

5. Personal: In all our relationships, we must remember that the ground is level at the foot of the cross. What has God been speaking to you about as you have worked through this week’s lesson? What are you going to do about it?

Ephesians Lesson 19

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Ephesians 5:22—6:9 — Mutual Submission

We have just seen that the key to resolving conflict between Christians is to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). Now Paul applies this key principle to the specific relationships between husbands and wives, between parents and children, and between employers and employees.

Counsel to Wives

There is probably no relationship in life that carries a greater potential for conflict than the marriage relationship. Paul begins with counsel for wives in Ephesians 5:22-24. It is important to remember that this is an application of the general principle in Ephesians 5:21. Submission is mutual. The husband is to subject himself to the wife as much as the wife is to the husband. There are different ways we subject ourselves to each other in marriage, because the roles of husband and wife are different. The apostle will now go on to spell out for us what this means for husbands and wives in specific terms.

Addressing wives, Paul uses the same word he used in Ephesians 5:21: Submit. This is a word that raises the hackles of many, especially in this era of feminist politics. It sounds to the modern ear as if Paul is telling women, “Stay in your subservient place. Accept your inferiority. You must be resolved to a role as slave to your master-husband.” That is not at all the thought that Paul has in mind. A more accurate sense of the word submit would be “voluntarily place yourself under the authority of’ or “willingly adapt and adjust yourself to the authority of.” The apostle is saying to the wife, in effect, “Adapt yourself to your own husband; adjust to him.”

This is the fulfillment of the initial word of the Creator to the woman when He said that she was to be “a helper suitable for [the man]” (Genesis 2:18). The wife is not to be her husband’s rival or his slave. She is to be his partner, equal but loyal, and they are to work together. The husband has a leadership role, but that in no way diminishes the worth of the wife. He is incomplete without her, and it is in this partnership role with the husband that she finds fulfillment and completion.

The apostle Paul immediately links his practical command for submission to a biblical rationale for that command: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior” (Ephesians 5:22-23). The key phrase here is “as to the Lord.” The wife is subject to her husband not because her husband is such a wonderful human being, but because she has a prior and primary relationship to her Lord. The phrase “as to the Lord” does not mean that the wife is to worship her husband as though he were the Lord. It means she is to yield to her husband in order to please her Lord, Jesus Christ.

A Christian woman once asked me, “Does Ephesians 5:22-23 mean that my submission to my husband is a gauge of the degree to which I am submitted to Christ?” Yes, I told her, it is exactly that. The submission of a wife to her husband in the proper areas of his authority is precisely the gauge of her submission to Christ.

“Well, then,” she replied, “I can’t say to my husband, ‘I’ve submitted myself to you, now you have to do such-and-such for me.’ Nor can I say to God, ‘I’ve submitted myself to my husband, so You have to produce certain results.’ No, if I submit to my husband as unto the Lord, I shouldn’t care what the results are—that’s up to God.”

She got it! That’s the full intent of Paul’s word to wives in this section of Ephesians. He wants wives to understand that a woman is never more free to be herself than when she is joyfully, willingly submissive to her husband’s authority. It is all a matter of headship, and headship means authority and leadership. Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 11:3, “Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.”