"Let’s Fix The Kids!" A parenting Resource Manual by

Remember: It is important to review all the new rules and policies, because once they are voted on, and passed in Family Council, they become the law of the family and everyone is on their honor to comply with them.

NOTE #2 - Family Council Items List

Items: For next Family Council

NOTE #3 - Problem Solving During Family Council

Read the minutes of the previous Family Council and follow up on assignments and unfinished business. Place great emphasis on honoring contracts and keeping one’s word.

Discern between “content” and “process”. When the family becomes stuck or bogged down over some issue, look below the surface and you will probably discover a power struggle, a special interest or a hidden agenda. Attack the problem and not each other. It is essential to maintain a very positive atmosphere. Do not focus on the personalities! Focus on the problems. Then focus on the solution to the problem and not who is at fault or to blame.

Example: Suzy says she doesn’t want to play a certain game with the family (content). The fact is that she really likes the game but wants to be the one who gets to choose the game for tonight’s family activity. A little power struggle and need for some attention is the real issue (process).

It is essential to brainstorm for ideas and possible solutions to the problem. List as many possible solutions as are suggested, even the “silly” ones. Never allow any criticism of suggested solutions; it will curtail creativity and discount the person’s contribution. Cooperation is often compromise.

Try the principle of Reframing: Reframing is stating the problem in a positive way. Bad example: "Wow! Look at this list of complaints and offences! We'll never get through this nightmare!" Good Example: “Okay, as a family let’s see how many problems we can solve tonight.” The goal is communication and agreement. Give tons of credit for each individual cooperative effort that helps solve a problem. “Hey, we sure did solve a lot of problems tonight. What about treating ourselves to pizza and a movie?”

Teach the difference between competition and cooperation. Competition can cause contention and selfishness and can bring a bad spirit into the home! Also, the more mature and healthy a person gets, the more kind, understanding, respectful and cooperative he becomes; and the less egocentric and selfish he is.

INDIVIDUAL TIME: Children should also have special, individual time with father and mother and a personal interview periodically. Moms and dads of split (divorced) families should still coordinate with each other on raising kids. The “Family Executive Council” is mom and dad, if both are available. The purpose of the Family Executive Council is to insure that the presiding heads of the home can get on the “same page” and agree on how they will work together and achieve consistency in their parenting of the children. (Also, see Chapter 3 on Communication.)

NOTE #4 - Rules are Essential, but:

Don't have too many of them!

There are two kinds of rules (laws or policies): negotiable and nonnegotiable. The Executive Council (parental authority) will have a few nonnegotiable rules that are not subject to change. These include rules that involve safety, drugs, abuse, etc. Other rules can be discussed and changed; they are negotiable.

The process of negotiable rule creation and adoption

1. General discussion of problems and possible solutions. Everyone has reasonable and respectful input. Everyone participates in the brain storming. There are no negative comments allowed regarding any proposed solutions!

2. Suggested rules (for solutions) are listed and consequences considered.

3. The rule is presented to the Family Council and a vote is taken. If a rule is passed, it is automatically placed in the hands of the “Executive Council” (the parental authority in the home) to determine if there are conflicts with nonnegotiable issues.

4. Parents approve/veto the proposed rule (immediately or after consideration).

5. When a rule or policy is approved, it comes again to the Council for final discussions. Adjustments and compromises may be presented in the Family Council and then a final vote taken.

6. Parents approve or disapprove.

7. After approval by parents, the council (all family members) are asked to sustain the parents and the Council’s rules and to be obedient to them.

8. Rules and their effects are reviewed as needed from time to time.

NOTE #5 - Religion and Faith in Parenting

A faith of some denomination promotes the study of God’s word as found in holy writings. Acceptance of some religious faith unites the family and encourages adherence to high moral standards. God-fearing people who are sincerely striving to live their religion produce a very different society than one without internal, personal religious and moral restraints. Religion tends to build and strengthen these inner resolves and virtues, reducing the need for much external enforcement.

Family government needs to be patterned after and based upon God’s laws. As our Founding Fathers instituted our government upon a set of correct and virtuous principles, so should we establish our homes upon the principles of virtue and truth. We have not been left alone nor in darkness about the principles upon which to build our lives, our homes and our relationships. Why debate among ourselves what the correct principles are? We find the answers in our scriptures.

NOTE #6 - Authoritarian Parenting

The attitude is, “We are right because we are the parents. We’re in charge: this is our home, we will decide how you dress, who you may have as friends, and what kind of music you will listen to. You see things our way, worship at our church and hold these values and prejudices. We are big and smart and you are little and dumb. You don’t have the right to decide; we’ll decide for you!” (Hopefully none of this sounds familiar!) The underlying assumption is that kids are not “good” and therefore will not do what is right when given the choice. This is really an insulting presumption! Children raised in these homes do not feel good about themselves.

Authoritarian parents often coddle their children because they see them as incompetent. Therefore, these children do not gain the necessary experience of making their own decisions in life. In fact, they often feel inadequate and guilty about making decisions. They do not feel trusted or valued. Discipline in these homes is often harsh, arbitrary and controlling. Authoritarian parents often “control” by being disapproving, angry and withholding love. Their children are not free to grow as they should, and therefore often have problems trusting others, making decisions and developing a healthy self-esteem.

NOTE #7 - Permissive Parenting

These parents allow children to make decisions before their experience and maturity justify it. The children do whatever they like and often neglect those activities that would give them the skills and discipline they will need later in life (work, etc.). These children are often arrogant, unruly, over confident; and they make many unwise choices.

NOTE #8 - Democratic Parenting

There are several fine attributes to the democratic parenting style. In it the children are treated respectfully. The children are also allowed to help run the family. Their rights are respected and they are allowed a say and a vote. The children help make the rules and often even have a say about rewards and punishments (consequences for their actions). A democratic system of government is designed to be used by equals and it does not work well when applied to a society of unequals, such as we have in a family. Almost all parenting programs advocate that parents adopt a democratic parenting style in their home. We do not! We have found the Loving Trust Family style to be superior in every way!

Very closely associated with the concept of democracy is the concept of free enterprise, which (in the home) often promotes competition rather than cooperation. In this competitive environment personal value is usually linked to personal production: being the fastest, strongest, most popular, prettiest or best in whatever we do. Our value to others and our own self-esteem can come to depend on how much money we make, how many things we can accumulate, how good we are in sports, or how much we can......etc., etc.. Personal value is related to performance and production; you are worth what you can produce. Therefore, people come to believe that love is conditional and based on performance. “I love you if...! I accept you as long as...!” This is not the proper way to determine personal value or to express love.

NOTE #9 - Neglectful Parenting

These parents do not provide emotionally for their children and sometimes do not even care for their physical needs. This exposes the children to harm from society’s predators. Being neglected does not go unnoticed by these children, who conclude for themselves, that they must not be worth much if they are so unimportant to their parents. They feel unloved, undervalued and potentially even unwanted, as though they were a burden or a nuisance.

These parents give the message, “I’ve got my own life, and I’m certainly not going to let you mess it up with all your needs and kid stuff. You are a burden, a pest, a nuisance and a big pain. The sooner you grow up and leave, the better. In the meantime, don’t cause me any embarrassment, expense or trouble.”

We spend our time, our money and our energy on what is really important to us. Our children need us, and our time and focus on a personal basis. They need to have a warm parental relationship. They are neglected if they do not get it, regardless of how we rationalize about work or projects, or whatever “more important” things call us away. Children are not stupid; they know when they do not rate very high with us.

Neglectful parents do not usually get away with not feeding or clothing their children. It’s too obvious, and society would come down on them, but:

? they emotionally neglect their children through little positive communication,

? they psychologically neglect their children through no intimacy,

? they spiritually neglect their children through no model of moral value.

Are we neglectful in any of these areas? We must answer for ourselves!

NOTE #10 - The Loving Trust Family

The emphasis of this parenting style is building healthy personal relationships between family members. At the same time we want to build an environment that will require the children to work, experience, and develop the highest qualities of character and virtue.

Children are seen as capable and as sacred trusts. The parental responsibility to nurture and raise other human beings is recognized as the most important privilege and duty we can have on this earth. There is nothing in the world that is more important or difficult to do correctly than to be a good husband or wife and to be a good and effective parent. If we become distracted by other interests in the world and do a poor job with our families, we will be failures in life and feel unfulfilled. No worldly success will compensate for failure in our homes. All worldly honors or personal pleasures will be of little value if one day we realize that the price we paid to obtain them was our personal relationships with our spouse and children.

What brings true happiness to us in life is to have personal, intimate and warm relationships with our loved ones. To have the capacity to love deeply and to be loved and treasured by those we love and to be able to express and receive this love is what brings us joy. Only the family can provide the setting and opportunity for such enduring, deep and loving relationships. (But, boy, it takes a lot of work!) It does not happen by accident; you need a great master plan of correct principles. No one ever said it would be easy...only that it would be worth it. Parenting: Do it right the first time because it is the only chance you get! It is also the only chance they get.

In the Loving Trust Family the type of love involved is absolutely unconditional. Parents need to do more than “love” each other and their children; they must treasure and cherish them! This love includes a mutual and deep respect and honor for each other as human beings. It is not based on performance (how much one provides or how well one does in the world). The valuing, respecting, cherishing, treasuring and treating each other with gentleness and kindness is constant and unconditional. Children, seeing this model and feeling this value for themselves, will almost invariably respond to their parents in kind.

The “Trust” in the “Loving Trust” family refers to the “trust” of both the parent and the child. First, the parents feel “entrusted” by their higher power with an awesome and sacred responsibility, namely the lives of their children. They need to protect, provide for, teach and train these little ones to live in the world. Let it here be said again that nowhere is there a more awesome and difficult responsibility, or one that compares in any way to the importance of raising a child. Therefore, parents are entrusted with the most sacred of responsibilities.

The parents themselves also believe and “trust” that children are inherently endowed and able to develop the capacity of managing their own lives. Therefore, step by step, parents require children to make, and to be accountable for, their own decisions in life. Basically, the parents believe that when their children reach an age when they are free to choose whether or not they will follow the values taught by their parents, they will have been so well instructed that they will now be morally prepared to make their own choices. Parents trust that their children will gradually develop the capacity to correctly choose for themselves, and that they have the right to live their own lives and make their own choices.

“Trust,” as far as the children are concerned, has to do with them recognizing the genuine love and concern their parents have for them and for their greater life’s experiences. The children are taught to sustain the parents in their parental roles as heads of the home. The children trust in, or rely on, the love and experience of the parents. They voluntarily agree to acknowledge, recognize, honor and sustain the parents as the final law givers and as those who preside in the home. The children are taught to rely on, and have faith in parental counsel. This “Loving Trust” family is based on mutual love, and trust; not on power and control. Parents recognize that their children have the power to choose to obey them or not. Therefore, the parents acknowledge this (to the children) and simply ask their children for their love and support and for their VOLUNTARY obedience!

The children are taught that because of their limited life’s experiences there will be times when they will be directed by their parents and warned about things that they cannot understand. On those occasions they are asked to listen to the counsel of their parents and then to voluntarily decide to follow that counsel in faith and love. Parents will not always be right, but their decisions are usually better than those of their inexperienced children.

The Loving Trust family operates upon love, trust and correct principles. Some of those principles are as follows:

1. It is the parental responsibility and right to preside in the home.

2. Life is precious (sacred) and it is always worthy of respect and honor.

3. We are individuals, each unique and of inestimable value.

4. We have the ability and right to make choices in our lives.

5. We are accountable for the consequences of the choices we make.

6. We are to earn what we get, both in money and privileges.

7. The principles of growth, development, self-respect, and character are connected with the principles of working and earning.

8. To learn to be responsible one must struggle with responsibility.

9. Contracts help us learn to honor our commitments.

10. Actions and decisions have consequences for which we are responsible.

11. Government or law is necessary among us and exists in the universe.

12. Order and peace are founded upon the voluntary obedience to law in human society.

13. There is a basic human need for unconditional love and acceptance, without regard for how pretty, smart or strong we are.

14. People (children) are basically good and have a natural tendency to reach upward, to grow and love.

15. Everyone is imperfect. We all make mistakes and that is okay. Mistakes provide great opportunities to learn.

16. Pain is often a natural and necessary factor in the learning experience.

17. Punishment is sometimes necessary.

18. Everyone has the right to be heard in the family.

19. It is the responsibility of parents to teach and protect children from harm.

20. Parental role modeling is extremely influential upon children; therefore the responsibility of setting a good example is great.

21. Regardless of the particular denominational preferences, faith in God is an important factor in setting standards and family morals. Study of the scriptures and family prayer serve to unite the family and give purpose and meaning to life.

22. We are encouraged to feel, believe and behave according to our own consciences.

23. There is such a thing as right and wrong, good and evil and we know the difference.

A Note to Mom and Dad on Marriage and Parenting:

Mom and dad must work out their own problems first. It is very difficult if one parent gets deeply involved in correct parenting and the spouse is nonsupportive, or worse, undermines the program. This is frustrating and unfair to the family. Do not tolerate a “Santa Claus” who forces you to do all the organizing and disciplining alone, and then undermines you openly or behind your back by not following the program.

To have a strong family mom and dad, you need to concentrate on improving your marriage and relationship with each other. You are to model for your children a strong, healthy and loving marriage. You are teaching them “how to be married” and they will be strongly inclined to follow your example. A strong marriage models virtue and integrity to the children. They feel secure and loved when they see the demonstrations of your love for each other.

Chapter 5
Behavior

Modification

What is behavior?

Behavior is anything that a person says or does. It is something which is observable and measurable such as blinking, speaking, smiling and running. A person might have a bad attitude and therefore frown, make a face, hit, or run away, all four of which are observable, measurable behaviors. Feelings, thoughts, and attitudes are not behaviors.

What is behavior modification?

Behavior modification entails changing behavior by applying the principles of social learning. It involves affecting a change in an individual’s behavior by using proven procedures and techniques which rearrange that individual’s environment. Through behavior modification socially desirable behavior becomes profitable and socially undesirable behavior becomes unprofitable, or even painful. This is done by changing the environment by rewarding socially desirable behavior and by punishing and/or removing the rewards for socially undesirable behavior.

Which behavior can I modify?

? Undesirable behavior that we want to eliminate (Johnny swears).

? Desirable behavior that we want to increase or that is not happening at all (Johnny won’t do his homework or make his bed).

Behavior modification can be introduced when undesirable behavior is present (because it has been rewarded), or desirable behavior is absent (because it has not been rewarded). The procedure for eliminating undesirable behavior and replacing it with desirable behavior is simple; the rewarding procedure is reversed. Desirable behavior is rewarded and undesirable behavior is not rewarded.

What motivates behavior?

All behavior has as a goal, either:

To Avoid Pain; or

To Have Pleasure.

All behavior is to avoid pain, to obtain pleasure, or both. The teen who should be studying for exams tomorrow sneaks over to this girlfriend’s house. He thus avoids the pain of studying while at the same time enjoying his girlfriend’s kiss. Every behavior has a payoff! No behavior is meaningless or without purpose. If we didn’t hope or desire, we wouldn’t try! We seek happiness, but we avoid pain. (Also, see Chapter 2 on Correct Principles.)

Why do my children do what they do?

They are doing that which is rewarding to them and avoiding that which is painful to them. Remember, kids are very adaptive. They are survivors and they can adapt very quickly to their environment. Children are functional. Anything they do that works for them is “functional” and they will repeat it! What is paying off at home? What behaviors are you rewarding?

If it pays off in their environment to: whine, argue, sneak treats, and be disobedient, they will do those things. If it pays off in their environment to be cooperative, to work hard and be responsible, they will do those things. If those things don’t pay off, they will stop doing them. Whether the behavior is good or bad, if it doesn’t “pay off” the behavior will cease.

How can I change child behavior?

In order to change a child’s behavior you must change your rewards and punishment system! If you want to change someone’s behavior you must first change their environment. After some resistance your children will adapt. Don’t work on the kids; work on the environment. Implement the use of rewards and punishers.

What is a reward?

Anything that sustains or increases a behavior is a reward. There are two types of rewards for desirable behavior:

1. Positive reinforcement - to give something desirable.

Example: “Thanks for helping, here’s $5.00.” Positive is to give or to add something.

2. Negative reinforcement - to take away something undesirable.

Example: “Thanks for helping. I’ll do the dishes for you tonight.” Negative is to take away or remove.

? Double strength - both positive and negative reinforcement. “Thanks for helping, here’s $5.00 for the movie tonight. Don’t worry about your dishes, I’ll do them for you. Have a good time!”