"Let’s Fix The Kids!" A parenting Resource Manual by

Most monopolizers repeat themselves often and are experts at subtly shifting the group focus off of others and onto themselves again. This must be pointed out so that the group will spot this trick and (usually without comment) refocus on the original person and problem under discussion.

When and how do I shift group focus?

Some groups have developed a little device to keep the group focused. A FOCUS HAT can be worn by the person being focused on by the group at that time. Or, you might simply employ a vase or a little flag mounted in a block of wood that sets on the floor in front of the person whose turn it is to enjoy group attention. When the group decides to shift focus, the flag shifts, too.

If we are focusing on Mary and how she is handling a potential runaway daughter, group focus must be maintained on Mary and her issue. The teacher/leader (TL) assures this until the focus legitimately moves to another person and his problems. Typically, the group first hears from Mary, who states the problem as well as what her fears and possible actions might be. The group then asks questions, makes suggestions and offers support. Next the TL asks three or four important questions. “Mary, what have you heard? What are your options?”

At this point Mary sums up what she thinks the group has said. “Good, now what are you going to do this week?” Mary states what actions she intends to take, or that she must do some more evaluating to decide. Finally, other group members give support and invite her to telephone during the week if she needs to talk. “Mary, are you satisfied?” Only when Mary is finished will the focus shift to another person. This procedure allows “closure” for her and doesn’t leave her or the group with a confused or an “unfinished” feeling.

What is double parking?

When we are participating in the group process, whether giving suggestions, hugs, or just listening, we are learning and growing ourselves. We are internalizing the principles. When we hear the problems of other people and witness their struggles, victories and failures, we soon gain greater insight into our own problems. It is usually easier for us to think objectively and gain insight into the problems of others than it is to sort out our own issues to which we are so emotionally attached.

This term “double parking” describes the advantages of gaining understanding of Correct Principles through observing and helping others with their issues and “transferring” what we have learned to our own problems at home. Truly, we get out of the program only what we put into it! This is why starting and continuing a group is so vital. The single most important indicator of persons who will achieve the greatest and most enduring success in the program is whether or not they participate in a study group.

What about the silent one?

Although you encourage participation some people are still shy, embarrassed, frightened, or just don’t talk much. Usually after a few meetings when they get over their fears, you will find that they have some very important observations. Specifically ask them during the meeting if they would like to comment or add anything to what has been said. Ask them privately beforehand if that is okay to do. Others are intimidated by assertive or vocal personalities in the group. Handle this carefully but encourage everyone’s participation.

The expert...The know it all

Please allow the program to be the expert and source of information. No one is to assume the role of Dr. Sigmund Freud. Ask the questions, “What principles are involved in this issue? What does the program suggest?” If someone wants to be an expert, let them be expert in regards to this program...what it is and how to apply it. There is so much to learn. Certainly we are humbled at the tremendous challenge before each of us (as parents) when we see how little we really understand about parenting. Even the most learned and skilled among us can never be looked upon as an “expert”.

Denial

Most of us are in denial at some level. Denial can be unconscious or conscious. If we are unaware of a problem we are said to be in denial. Likewise, if we are aware of a problem but refuse to acknowledge it, we are also said to be in denial. Denial is an intellectual defense that allows us to live with our pain in an unhealthy environment. If we don’t “see” the problem (or if we choose not to “see” the problem) we don’t have to take responsibility for it, or deal with it. If I refuse to admit that my son or wife has a chemical addiction (so that I won’t be held responsible for not taking action) I deceive myself indeed. I just stick my head in the sand and lie to myself and others.

In your parenting groups people must come out of denial to progress and to change. This is frightening because it requires that we take personal responsibility and exercise the courage to act! It means that everything is not okay! When we are willing to come out of denial and face the truth we are empowered; we now have a choice. Before we did not have any choices because we did not acknowledge the problem. Therefore, whereas we were ignorantly impotent before, coming out of denial has the potential to empower us!

Losers and doubters

Winners always find a way to work the program and win. Losers and doubters always find an excuse why it won’t work for them. Millionaires and paupers all have a brain, two eyes, two ears, etc. We all really can make it if we are willing to pay the price. We all have similar challenges, pain, problems and disappointments. Do not tolerate negative, dark, depressive attitudes in your group; they are the spirit of failure and defeat. Insist on positive, bright, and cheery attitudes that have the courage to keep truth and reality in focus. Fill your group with believing, optimistic, honest people.

Why no "Psychologists"?

Unless they are professionally trained, never allow anyone to “act” as the group “psychologist”. Acknowledging the limits of group responsibility and capability is essential. If any person or family in the group is having problems that anyone suspects might require professional help, make sure they go and get it. Never allow people to attend your group if you think they might need professional help! Your group is only for study and educational support; never for therapy or treatment! If you start “counseling” someone, you might create a liability problem.

Maintain clear focus,

Stay in the room!

Some groups never get down to business because they are not dealing with the “here and now” issues in their groups. Some members speculate and deal in hypothetical cases, “What if this? What if that?” This is called, “not staying in the room”. Do not deal in matters not directly connected to family problems and issues in the “here and now”. “Hey, let’s get back in the room!” is heard when the group is discussing things that are not relevant to the problems and issues at hand for those in attendance. Discussing things “not in the room” is a way to avoid the real issues and escape the responsibility of doing something about our real problems. It is a waste of time and cheats everyone of valuable work and experience. Stay in the room! Keep focus! Get to work!

Bottom lines, commitments,

reporting back

At the end of each session, each person should write down what their “bottom line” is for the week. This is what they are specifically going to do (or not do!) this week. Example: “My bottom line this week is that I’m not going to rescue Sammy any more on his homework or his room. Also, I’m going to start using the star chart to reduce the bickering between the two youngest children.” The bottom line is: 1) written down by the parent, 2) announced to the group, 3) performed during the week, and then 4) verbally reported on (in full) at the next meeting of the group.

Many parents have confessed that knowing they will be reporting (at the next meeting) on how well they followed through on their bottom lines that week provided them with the needed incentive to act on their commitments (sometimes just at the very moment they were tempted to “wimp out”). It is recommended that you cheer and applaud each parent who faithfully performs their “bottom line” commitments during the week. Applaud and recognize all good efforts and sincerely praise integrity and courage. Remember how powerfully rewarding positive reinforcement is? You understand the principle; skillfully use it!

What about "Special" attendees?

Some people try to get special treatment by being “special”. They act out their chosen “role” and then expect the group to treat them “special”. This can be done to gain power or to control the group. For instance: the message is given, “I am very sensitive, and hurt easily.” The inference is that we must treat them differently and give them special considerations. They are able to control because they cry easily, have a bad temper, are not strong or capable, are frightened, weak, shy, smarter, etc. These are all games and facades to give them power and advantage so that we won’t push them or expect them to perform like the rest of us. These games must be given up. It’s about integrity and courage. All progress flows from knowledge, integrity and hard work!

In Conclusion:

Emphasize promptness in starting and ending on time. People who wish, can stay and chat for awhile, but others must be free to leave on time and get home.

Note: This is a study group for parents who wish to learn superior parenting principles and skills. Its purpose is to raise the level of parental awareness and is a “parents helping parents” program. It is based upon truth, love, and the assumption that we sincerely are striving to be better parents. We believe we have the desire and capacity to satisfy our hunger for deep and meaningful personal relationships. True commitment to the program is manifested by an aggressive, intelligent service to others and a total dedication to truth and integrity!

Sample Parenting Group Agenda

1. WELCOME:

By person conducting the meeting (host, or teacher/leader).

2. ANNOUNCEMENTS:

Order of business

Assignments, refreshments, etc.

3. INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT:

Parenting concept or an inspirational experience, thought, poem, etc., relative to parenting, family, children, love, etc. (60 seconds or less.)

4. LESSON:

(15-30 minutes) Instruction from resource information and/or tape.

5. CHECK IN:

Bottom line reports; less than 60 seconds each...cheers/applause when appropriate.

6. DISCUSSION OF PARENTING ISSUES:

(60 minutes plus)

7. CLOSURE/ BOTTOM LINES:

(10 minutes)

8. CLOSE:

Favorite group saying, Serenity Prayer, definition of a parenting term/concept, etc.