"Let’s Fix The Kids!" A parenting Resource Manual by
What part does anxiety play?
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What part does anxiety play? Anxiety is proportional to the degree of failure to differentiate from others or the family ego mass. Anxiety is a generalized feeling of apprehension or dread without awareness or recognition of a specific danger. Intrapersonally, anxiety is proportional to the degree that one is unable to differentiate between one’s own emotional and intellectual processes. Interpersonally, anxiety is created when one has difficulty separating personal values and feelings from those of other persons of significance. The more hooked-in we are, the more we are confused and anxious. The more differentiated we are, the more free and happy we are. Fused people are not themselves; they are “con-fused” or “fused-with” other people’s emotions and intellectual processes. They will only become their true selves when they differentiate. What is an unstable system? Bowen considered a two-person relationship relatively unstable, much like a two-legged stool. He noted that a two-person relationship, in which both persons were primarily invested in each other, was very rare. Most two-person relationships are the calm side of an already functioning triangle in which calmness is maintained at the expense of a negative relationship with the third corner of the triangle. What is a triangle? When anxiety increases between two people, the emotional flow between them intensifies and the relationship can become very uncomfortable or even threatened. When the intensity reaches intolerable levels, one of the individuals will predictably and automatically involve a vulnerable third party in the emotional issue. A triangle can be made up of two people with the third party (outsider) being people, things, institutions, activities or whatever. Some men and women in conflict can triangulate another interest such as sports, television, work, or church. The third party (outsider) to the triangle can be anyone or anything that leads one of the conflicting parties to vent their emotions in a “safe” place which reduces the stress level between the two persons to tolerable levels again. (Also, see NOTE #11, page 328.) What is "Detriangulating"? Also known as unhooking, detriangulating often involves telling people you are fused with, that you cannot solve their problems; that they cannot cry on your shoulder any more. Insist that people handle their own problems. If you want to be a counselor go to school and get a degree in psychology. Then obtain a license to practice therapy and charge them $100 per hour! You will feel a lot better about it. Many people are triangulated by one party in an unhappy relationship. Some of these triangulated relationships go on for years, but please note, that after listening to all their problems and giving them counsel for years they never take your advice and they never improve. You are being used! You are their emotional dump! These relationships continue to survive in their conflicted, never ending condition because you are willing to help relieve the tension. You are part of the problem as the third party in the triangle. I was triangulated for 50 years in my family; I spent half a century playing games and it did absolutely NO GOOD. Nothing, and nobody ever changed. I had wasted my life like a fool in a trap; always trying, listening, encouraging and hoping, but nothing, absolutely NOTHING, ever changed. When I detriangulated and gave everyone back their problems the insane game ended for me. I was free! (Also, see NOTE #12, page 329.)
There is a difference between the processes of detriangulation and emotional cutoff. Cutoff is fleeing from unresolved emotional ties to one’s family. Some people handle their unresolved emotional attachments to their parents by isolation of self, by geographic separation, or by a combination of both emotional and physical distancing. A cutoff is a total breach in relations that can occur when intolerable levels of anxiety are reached. Often family members who emotionally cut off do not speak to, or see each other for years and possibly never again. Cutoffs solve no problems, but often freeze people where they are in their dysfunctional emotional states. Cutting off can become a pattern of behavior; it can be a way of running without solving the problems or facing the issues. NOTE: One must totally withdraw physically and emotionally from abusive relationships. In such cases of victimization and abuse the individual often needs professional help to resolve personal issues. Here we note the difference: In one case the person cuts off from an emotional situation that should be worked out; in the other, a person leaves because of threatened or actual abuse, but works with trained people to resolve the personal conflicts arising from the abuse (this being done out of harm’s way, safe from danger). What are the three symptoms of a dysfunctional family system? The symptoms of a dysfunctional system can be expressed through: 1. Dysfunctional spouse 2. Marital conflict 3. Projection (Also, see NOTE #2, page 323.) Are you a dysfunctional spouse? In a marriage, each pseudo self is trying to be the way the partner wants “self” to be, and each in turn makes demands on the other to be different. This is pretending and trading in pseudo self. In a marriage, two pseudo selves fuse into a “we-ness” in which one becomes the dominant decision maker or the most active in taking initiative for the “we-ness.” The dominant one gains “self” at the expense of the other who loses “self”. This avoids conflict and permits more closeness. The dominant one is often unaware of the problems of the adaptive one who is thereby a candidate for dysfunction. After a time the adaptive spouse becomes so “de-selfed” that he or she is no longer able to make decisions, and finally collapses into a selfless dysfunction and manifests such symptoms as chronic illness, social dysfunction or other irresponsible behavior. Dysfunction routinely occurs in one spouse while the other spouse gains emotional strength in the exchange. Dysfunction in a spouse (the “symptom” bearer) can absorb large quantities of the undifferentiation (anxiety) in the marriage and family so that “symptoms” of dysfunction do not appear elsewhere. This process is very subtle and is therefore difficult to reverse.
An outsider is a third party who is brought into a two-party relationship to stabilize it through the process of forming a triangle. The outsider is often told a story by one of the two persons, about the other. In times of calm, when the “two” are functioning well, the triangle lies dormant and the third party is the “outsider”. Can you keep a secret? Secrets can be tales, gossip, or terrible facts (e.g. incest) about the family or a person in the family that are kept from others. These secrets are a way to keep the “game” going and are characterized by high levels of anxiety and low levels of responsible communication. A highly undifferentiated family will have many secrets, and whoever is holding on to the secret is also holding on to more anxiety than the others in the system. Each member in the family has a right to a piece of the secret. Telling secrets is one way to detriangulate! Do you have any one-to-one relationships? This is a relationship in which two people can communicate freely about the full range of personal issues between them and be at ease. There is no feeling of anxiety, no need to talk about a third person, nor any desire to allow the conversation to become impersonal by talking about things (triangulation). A highly individuated (differentiated) or healthy person can establish a one-to-one relationship with each family member without being fused into the family’s emotional system or being triangulated. Should I have boundaries? Boundaries are a feeling or sense that we have about ourselves regarding where we “stop” and other people “begin”. We should have a strong sense of boundary for our personal protection, and we should also honor the boundaries of others. Boundaries help us establish what we feel is appropriate behavior towards us. A sense of boundary is necessary to avoid fusion or enmeshment with other persons or with the family ego mass. The inalienable right to boundaries means that boundaries are God-given or innate. Boundaries are not granted by governments, parents or spouses, and these rights cannot be separated from the individual. They include physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual boundaries. Boundaries are clear limits where our inalienable rights begin and over which no one may cross without permission. Unwelcome and unauthorized crossing of a boundary is abuse and violence upon that person. In a healthy individual, a boundary violation triggers an immediate sense of indignation, or even outrage, depending upon the degree of trespass. Without boundaries we become easy victims. You need clear boundaries and you need to model them for your children so they will also have strong boundaries. Remember: Intrusion over the sacred boundaries of others is abuse and violence! Some “well meaning” parents or spouses attempt to control the lives of others they feel are obviously not capable of making their own decisions. They excuse themselves by saying, “I love you! I’m just doing this for your own good, sweetheart!” Here we have abuse and violence masquerading as love! (Also, see NOTE #13, page 329.) Abuse and violence masquerading as love! Do I need physical boundaries? Are you afraid to say “Stop!” because you’ll offend someone? We sometimes feel uncomfortable when someone gets too close to our face and talks to us. We can have the feeling of being encroached upon or that they are “invading our space”. This is natural and good. When we feel this discomfort we have a right and obligation to say, “Stop, you’re encroaching on my boundaries. Please step back; you are too close to me.” When we have a poor sense of physical boundary this is very hard to say because we feel we have no right to say it! If you do a good job teaching boundaries to your daughter, when she is out on a date she will not hesitate to resist a boy if he attempts to kiss or sexually touch her. Without the slightest worry that she would offend him she says, “No, Johnny! I like you, but I don’t feel comfortable kissing you or having you touch me. This is my body and no one has a right to touch it without my permission. If you have a problem with that you can take me home.”
A spiritual boundary is that line which separates our religious and spiritual beliefs from those of others. We are all entitled to religious freedom, and the right to worship and feel about Deity any way we please. These rights and freedoms should not be infringed upon by another person. It is a violation of spiritual boundaries. My Grandma was a good woman but she was also a tyrant. She had some kind of a religious experience as a young girl wherein she claimed to come to know God. She was a member of a small fundamentalist church and she loved the spirited preachers and revivals. They were wonderful people, and grandma meant well, but she trampled all over my spiritual boundaries. To me, even as a young boy, the question of God was a very personal and sacred thing that I could hardly talk about. I never discussed God with anyone and no one understood or knew what my beliefs were; even I didn’t know what my beliefs were. I can remember going to services and getting exposed to that “old-time religion”. The fiery preachers and the exuberant meetings left no small impression. The more they preached about hell and fire, the more ashamed and terrified I became. (Also, see NOTE #16, page 332.) Do you have weak boundaries? Pay attention to how you feel. Certain relationships are not happy or pleasant for us, yet we stay in them. There are many cases of adults who cannot separate themselves from an abusing relationship. These sad people constantly return to their abuser who discounts them, insults them, and always makes them feel “little”. They come away from visits with these people usually feeling terrible, shamed, angry and upset. They seem to have a compulsion to return again and again. These people hope to get nurturing from these relationships but they always come away empty, disappointed and hurt! Isn't "Denial" a river in Egypt? NO! Denial is an intellectual defense that allows us to live with our pain in an unhealthy environment; it is intellectual dishonesty. If we deny that our spouse is an alcoholic, we don’t have to do anything about it. We can avoid the pain of confrontation by just keeping our heads in the sand and hoping the lion will walk away without eating us. Denial allows us to continue the “act” that everything is okay! In dysfunctional homes it is very important to keep up appearances; they become more important than reality. Children who grow up in homes like this feel that everything they do is being watched, that somehow they are always on a stage saying what they “ought” to say and doing what they “should” be doing. Their whole life becomes a performance before some unseen audience. These people become human “doings” instead of human “beings”. We need to “get real” and stop pretending. Are you codependent? Codependent persons are more concerned about what other people think and feel than they are about what they themselves think and feel. A codependent has lost sight of his own person, his own self. In homes where the parents are dysfunctional, critical, perfectionistic or have unrealistic expectations for their children, the children can become confused about boundaries. The children try to gain acceptance by doing what the parent wants, and thereby lose sight of what they want. Boundary confusion is one of the foundation blocks upon which a dysfunctional, codependent personality is developed. For example, if a father or mother is alcoholic and they are constantly fighting, they can become 100% absorbed in their personal battles for control. The parents’ problems, thoughts, feelings, and behavior then become central and paramount in the home environment and in the child’s life. Such inordinate emphasis is given to the parental dysfunction that the child’s focus becomes external from himself. He loses track of his “inner” self and becomes enmeshed in trying to solve the marital problems. (Also, see NOTE #17, page 333.) Is codependency an addiction? YES! Codependency is in itself a form of addiction, with the “addict” rescuing others for a “fix”. When codependents rescue other people or play the martyr, they feel validated and that their life is important. Since they don’t have a “life of their own” they must be totally involved in somebody else’s life. Codependency is perhaps best understood as a dysfunctional pattern of living characterized by confusion about one’s identity and an over-attentiveness to the problems, needs, feelings, and opinions of others. The identity, self-esteem and behavior of the codependent becomes overly dependent on what other people do, say or think. In recent years, with the help of the therapeutic community, many people have begun to identify the codependency issues in their lives. Codependency may very well be one of the most pervasive mental health issues facing our society today. (Also, see NOTE #18, page 334.) Are you an adult child of a dysfunctional home? There are those of us who are survivors of seriously dysfunctional families (every family is dysfunctional at some level). There are no perfect homes, no ideal families, no perfect parents. We are all children of a dysfunctional family; we are all victims to some degree. No one ever got enough mothering or enough fathering; no one had the perfect childhood. All of us are damaged in some way, but there are several characteristics that we find that we all have in common if we come from significantly dysfunctional homes. Typically, we come to feel isolated and are often uneasy with other people, especially authority figures. Many of us become pleasers and lose our own identities in the process. We live in critical homes, often become alcoholics, marry alcoholics, or both, while others find different compulsive personalities to marry such as workaholics, rageaholics, or churchaholics. In this way we unconsciously seek to fulfill our sick need for abandonment (yes, some of us have a “need” to be abandoned). Our script, our role in life has been to be the victim. (Also, see NOTE #19, page 337.)
First you need to come out of denial. You need to recognize what has happened, why you are in pain, not able to be intimate, and not in touch with your feelings. Many therapists feel that we can and should “re-parent” ourselves. Adult Children of Alcoholics is a group for people who are survivors of obsessive/compulsive dysfunctional homes. Persons who relate and identify with the problems that we have been describing would be wise to consult a therapist or a twelve-step program such as those for people addicted to alcohol. (Also, see NOTE #20, page 337.) Will some people never come out of denial? Those who haven’t the personal integrity and courage, or are never exposed to the truth, are doomed to remain in pain and ignorance right where they are. A person who says, “I am an alcoholic, but I’m able to handle this problem myself!” is contradicting himself and is in denial. The very definition of “alcoholic” includes the reality that the person has lost control of himself where alcohol is concerned, and is therefore not able to overcome it by himself. To be addicted is to be out of control, not able to stop, and to be impotent regarding usage and recovery. Many people are just not ready to move forward, to risk and to heal. Denial is probably the largest single factor that determines why some individuals never move out of their dysfunction. They may not be ready to admit the effect of a dysfunctional home, or that their home was dysfunctional at all. They may not be ready to stay in an atmosphere of tremendous honesty, the likes of which they have never experienced before. Because many people are fearful of change, they are just too fearful to move out of their old destructive, dysfunctional patterns. What are the 12 steps of codependents anonymous? 12 steps of Codependents Anonymous We admitted we were powerless over others, that our lives had become unmanageable. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. We admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. We are entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. We humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings. We made a list of persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we try to carry this method to other codependents and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Some of the material in this section was obtained by the author at regular meetings he attended of AA, CODA and other twelve step group meetings. How do children from dysfunctional homes feel? Children from dysfunctional homes learned many rules, among them: don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel. Many of us lived in homes where no one ever listened to us. We got the message that our feelings were wrong or crazy and we were required (or trained) to take care of other people instead of taking care of ourselves. Many of us went to our parents to have our needs met and our parents were so needy themselves that they could not understand or meet our needs. They were so engrossed in their marital problems, their obsessions, alcohol, work, rage, or church that we came away empty time after time after time. Rather than continue being hurt, we shut down our feelings; rather than continue being disappointed we stopped asking our parents for love and validation. Many of us remember the point in our lives when we actually said, “I’m not going anymore. I’m not going back. Who needs them?” (Also, see NOTE #21, page 339.) Yüklə 2,18 Mb. Dostları ilə paylaş:
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