"Let’s Fix The Kids!" A parenting Resource Manual by
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How are alcoholism and codependency related? Following is a five-step summary of how alcoholism and codependency parallel in their development. It is noted that codependents develop dependency right along with the alcoholics they’re associated with. Although both players in this scenario are already predisposed and conditioned, the relationship generally parallels these steps: Increased tolerance As the tolerance to the drug increases in the dependent person, the tolerance of the unacceptable behavior increases in the codependent. They go through a long process of adaptive impoverishment; they just adapt to receiving nothing out of the relationship. In the beginning they will be blamed, ridiculed, mocked and will put up with it. As the disease progresses, they will assume full responsibility for more violent and dangerous behavior, and even get into the car with a drunk driver. (Thirty thousand people are killed every year on our highways because someone was drunk. Two and a half million people are maimed. If you get into a car with someone who is drunk, you do not like yourself.) The tolerance increases and the codependent may even allow that dependent person to beat him or her. To allow someone to beat you physically or to abuse you verbally is very unhealthy. Blackouts Blackouts and memory losses are common for alcoholics. The codependent also starts to have problems remembering. If the codependent is preoccupied with the mood and problems of the alcoholic, they cannot concentrate on what they themselves are doing. Urgency The codependent always has that urgent racing feeling in his or her stomach. They are always in a hurry. This can be a big problem in recovery. Once they realize they are sick, codependents want to get well immediately, yesterday! False hope The alcoholic tells the codependent that he or she will quit drinking and they believe it! Crazy!! There is no reality to this; the “alcoholic” is powerless and can’t stop the drinking. After promising, the alcoholic drinks again, then makes more promises which the codependent again believes; and again the alcoholic returns to drink! Through this whole cycle the codependent (enabler) believes that someday the alcoholic (addict) will realize how much they love their family, their home, their job, etc. and will quit drinking. This is absolute fantasy! It is the denial of bold faced reality. We know that alcoholism is a progressive, terminal disease and that the alcoholic will continue to drink until it kills him! (See the definition below) ALCOHOLISM: means that a person is addicted and cannot stop drinking! PROGRESSIVE: means that it never gets better; it just gets worse and worse! TERMINAL DISEASE: means that it kills you! Therefore: An alcoholic is a person who is helplessly addicted to a chemical that will eventually kill him! His only hope is to come out of denial and get help from those who understand the recovery process! He cannot recover without help! The very definition of “addiction” is that one is “hooked” and powerless to stop! This definition of addiction applies to all true addictions whether alcohol or some other chemical (drug). (Codependents are also referred to as coaddicts.) Grandiose The codependent starts showing some grandiose behavior. If the alcoholic can’t stop, then the codependent will “help” him or her. The codependent becomes the “superspouse”, the “superparent”, the “superemployee”, the “supervolunteer” and so on. When the “superperson” codependents are not getting enough emotional mileage out of their “saintly” role or personal relationship with the dependent, they triangulate; often with very showy behavior such as becoming a churchaholic or losing themselves at work (workaholic). Appendix to Chapter 8 NOTE #1 - Family Ego Mass Common acceptance of (and belief in) the family ego mass “truth” regiments each family member into a common view of the world, giving him a sense of security and belonging. The family members judge the world through the prejudicial glasses of their family ego mass; it is what makes us “right” and others “different”. In the same way that a child is taught his native language, parents are communicating the values and teachings of the family ego mass. These messages are powerful and are implanted from the earliest days of life. It is the intense pressure placed upon each child to conform that prevents him from developing a personal sense of self. Children learn what to think, feel, believe, value and even how to speak and act as family ego mass values and perceptions are absorbed into their hearts and minds. NOTE #2 - Projection As used in this context: The projection process is the mechanism by which parental conflicts, immaturity and lack of differentiation are transmitted onto the children. The most common pattern is one that operates through the mother and allows her to be less anxious by projecting onto one particular child. The selected child becomes the most emotionally attached to the parents and the one with the lowest level of differentiation (independence from the family ego mass). Projection is a defense mechanism which operates unconsciously and whereby the unwanted aspects of self are attributed to another person who is unconsciously induced to behave in accordance with these projected attitudes and feelings. The children who are the least fused are the best differentiated and the most functional. Each generation has a tendency to produce a child who is at a lower level of differentiation than the family, and is therefore much less functional. This less differentiated child then marries a spouse at the same differentiated level (as is often the case), and they produce a child who is even less differentiated than themselves. Bowen suggests that schizophrenia is one of the results of producing lower and lower levels of differentiation through children of greatest fusion.
Children introject; they record it ALL without censoring anything! Our children’s minds are like computers and they accept from their parents what is consciously (10%) and unconsciously (90%) “downloaded” into them. In the computer world there is the acronym GIGO which stands for “Garbage In...Garbage Out”. If parents give their children “garbage” concepts, children will work with those concepts and the results will be “garbage”. In the sense that the computer cannot outperform its program, so children are greatly handicapped if their mental, emotional, psychological, physical or spiritual “input” has been inadequate or even poisonous. If your child is asleep 8 1/2 hours per day, that gives him about 108 waking hours per week. A simple formula based on statistics shows that our children are spending approximately 30% of those hours (4 1/2) in front of the television every day. They are spending 30% of their conscious life introjecting, recording and learning about life from TV! What kind of instruction are they getting from TV? What “values” are they learning? What truth, what reality and what “view of the world” are they constructing? Has the TV become more influential than parents, school, or church combined? YES!! In some homes, absolutely, YES!! Morality and decency hide their faces in shame as the American people gorge themselves on the sewer filth spewing forth in the name of “entertainment”. Our appetite for the violent and perverted seems insatiable. It is insanity! We actually even pay to bring this destruction into our homes and thereby not only allow it, but encourage its entrance. By this mindless example we encourage our own beloved children to watch this filth and poison several hours a day. However we may “excuse” ourselves, this is grossly irresponsible parenting. Are we naive enough to believe that we can teach values in competition with 4 1/2 hours a day of murder, rape, violence and blatant sexual perversion of every kind? If you cannot control it, we recommend that you get rid of it! In the history of the world millions of healthy children have been raised without the benefit of 4.5 hours of junk TV per day! NOTE #4 - Family Rituals Rituals are rigid and approved of patterns of prescribed, formal behavior and are connected with some event or situation. They also communicate social value and can help us bond with others. We can become very invested in these rituals whether they are positive or negative. When rituals are not followed there can be resentment and hostility because someone is not doing what they are “supposed” to do. Rituals fulfill an important homeostatic function in maintaining and recovering the family system; they feel familiar, safe and right. The way we do vacations, Christmas, birthdays and other holidays become rituals. If we don’t do Christmas in the old familiar way, people can get very upset because they expect Christmas to be done in their special way, or it “just isn’t Christmas”. This can include how and when presents are opened; and when, and how, and what is served at Christmas dinner. NOTE #5 - Family Rules Rules may be implicit (unconscious, covert, inferred, unwritten) or explicit (conscious, overt, verbalized, written). Because the individual is aware of explicit rules, he has a choice, and can reject them. Implicit rules, on the other hand, are often not recognized by the conscious mind and are therefore accepted without choice or censorship. The possibility of the poor programming and controlling influence that maladaptive rule systems could have in the family are obvious. “Eat everything on your plate!” is an example of an explicit rule which carries much meaning. “It’s a sin to waste!” or “We are poor and cannot afford to waste!” are two possible emotional messages conveyed by that rule. Check out the rules in your home; they all have meaning. Do they convey the messages that you want? Is it okay in your home for the girls to cry, but not the boys because boys are not “sissies”? Is it okay for the boys to hug Mom, but only shake hands with Dad? Rules themselves belong to “rule systems” of greater or lesser magnitude, with each one standing on a more basic rule system until you reach the largest and most basic rules (the system of values). Consistency between each level of rule system is essential to produce a harmonious and consistent application of rules founded upon the basic philosophical values of the family. If this is not the case, a situation of disharmony, incongruency and confusion will be the result. This inconsistency will deny the family the peace and security which is so vital to healthy child development. NOTE #6 - Family Myths When I was a small boy I can remember the family gatherings when one particular myth, among so many, was told again and again. It was one of the most stirring for me. It told of a widowed mother and her little boys. The father had been killed in the civil war, the South was still in ashes and the mother and her little children were starving. She worked for some carpetbaggers and at the end of each week they were given some potlicke, a few greens and a pan or two of cornbread. The children were forced to hunt for missed vegetables in the fields. Two brothers, ages 6 and 4, would sneak over to the neighbors at night and nurse directly off their cow. Finally the mother moved to Texas and found work. Many messages, emotions and values are passed down in this story. As we begin to look at the rituals, rules and myths in our families, we start to unravel some of the reasons for our dysfunctions. By understanding our family as a system, we can see why we are locked into dysfunctional thinking and behavior patterns. Understanding is the first step in recovery; we must know what is going on. What are you projecting, and what messages are being passed on by the myths and rituals in your family?
We want to pass on the good and virtuous aspects of ourselves and society to future generations. We also want to be able to identify and eliminate all those things which are not healthy. When we are not aware of our family dysfunctions, or won’t acknowledge them, we are said to be in DENIAL. While in denial, we do not work on resolving our problems, so we unknowingly pass them on to future generations. Codependency, workaholism, alcoholism, child abuse, rageaholism, and all the other “isms” are passed right on through to our children in some form. Remember that parents teach the message, “This is how to survive; watch how I do it and do the same. This is what works.” Children naturally follow this example, with no ability to identify or censor out the dysfunctional aspects of the parental behavior. Your children will spend approximately 25,000 hours learning from you how to act, be married, be a parent, and how to survive! In some dysfunctional homes this is learned through fighting, raging, avoiding responsibility, becoming an alcoholic, or any number of other abnormal behaviors. In short, many of us spent childhoods learning how to be dysfunctional and even goofy!
In the true or basic self, each belief and life principle is consistent with all the others, and the self will take action consistent with those principles, even in situations of high anxiety and duress. Notwithstanding its strength, the basic self is not fixed and rigid; it is alive and flexible and may be changed within itself on the basis of new knowledge and experience. In the process of differentiating (separating) from the family ego mass, a person identifies and develops his basic or true self, choosing for himself who he is and who he wants to be. He decides what he values and believes and unhooks from the values and influences of the family ego system if they are inconsistent with his own thoughts and feelings. Once unhooked the true (basic) self can build healthy personal relationships with members of the family and others without becoming entangled or overcome again in the family ego mass. The basic self does not play games! NOTE #10 - The Pseudo Self The pseudo self is a chameleon, an actor of many parts, self-negotiating, and neither genuine nor stable. It is the pseudo self that is compromising and involved in fusing, without personal morals, and willing to say, do, believe, feel, be or give whatever is required to feel safe and accepted. The pseudo self has no true individual integrity, but is a mass of mixed facts, beliefs and principles acquired through osmosis from the emotionally charged relationship system in which it is presently immersed. These acquisitions include facts learned and beliefs borrowed from others in order to enhance one’s position in relationship to others. The pseudo self is a gutless jellyfish that succumbs to pressure, abandons truth and principle for convenience, and sells virtue for the price of acceptance. Basic selves do not fuse with others; pseudo selves do. Basic selves are stable but can grow and change dynamically. Pseudo selves are unstable and constantly changing upon environmental demand with no other purpose than to gain acceptance.
When tension levels build to intolerable levels between two people (dyad) threatening the relationship, one of the parties will predictably dump stress energy onto a third party (triangulate) forming a triad. This saves the dyad because when stress is reduced in the dyad, frustration levels fall to tolerable levels again. Once the tension rises back to intolerable levels, the triangle will again be formed by calling the third party back into the relationship. Parents in marital difficulties can triangulate in many ways. Listed below are some possibilities for the third party: ? Scapegoating a child; emotionally dump on a child who is acting out. ? Marriage counselor. ? Gossiping or confiding in a friend. ? Surrogating a child as a surrogate spouse; confiding in a child and getting emotional support (BAD!). ? Drugs, alcohol, or other “things”. NOTE #12 - Detriangulating You must stop being the toilet to which your “friend” comes whenever the need arises to have an “emotional bowel movement!” No more dumping! UNHOOK and tell people to solve their own problems! Only they are capable of solving their problems; you can’t do it for them, and you are just being used. Unhook from your dysfunctional relationships; they are harmful to you and to the person who is dumping, because they are not resolving their own conflictual relationships. If someone is mourning the death of a loved one, of course you are correct in being there for them to lend deserved strength and sympathy. It is justified for a reasonable time. But when you realize you are being taken advantage of, detriangulate and get back to managing your own life. In my own experience, after I realized that I had been triangulated for years with my parents’ conflictual marriage, I decided to detriangulate. An opportunity came when dad called and complained to me for about an hour; he did some real dumping. When he finished and hung up, I waited a while and then called mom and told her everything he had been complaining and gossiping about! After mom had nailed him good he called me back madder than a hornet. He let me have a good piece of his mind and told me that he would never call me again and tell me his problems and that I could count on it. That is exactly what I wanted! ALL RIGHT!! SUCCESS!! I had started my detriangulation process. This is a detriangulating technique that might be called “giving up the secret”. I gave up his secrets and gave them back to the conflictual marital relationship. What could I possibly do with all the garbage complaints my dad had about his marriage? I had put out my “NO DUMPING” sign which I now required all to honor. NOTE #13 - Boundaries Healthy boundaries are not impermeable walls of defense that allow no one in or out. They are flexible, changing, growing, semi-permeable, and allow people in and out at our discretion. We must have protective boundaries to maintain our integrity, our “selfness”, our own genuine personality, and our basic true self. Boundaries keep us from becoming “fused” or “con-fused” with others. Boundaries separate us from others, and clearly distinguish our thoughts, feelings, values and beliefs from those of every other person or institution in the world. Boundaries are founded upon our rights to be free and to choose for ourselves. Inherent with this claim to boundaries and right to choose comes personal accountability and responsibility for one’s choices.
Boundaries include the right to agree or disagree (own our thoughts), to be happy or angry (own our feelings), and to accept or reject our parents’ beliefs (own our values), in short, the right to defend and stand up for ourselves. People without boundaries cannot tell the difference between their own feelings and the feelings and thoughts of others. Boundaries allow us to own our physical and internal selves. NOTE: Children must be taught, and allowed to have, boundaries. Even the two-year-old inherently tries to maintain his boundaries with his “NO!” and “MINE!” and “ME do it!” Unaware and ignorant parents can destroy a child’s boundaries. Parents need to teach children by example how to have and maintain healthy boundaries. NOTE #14 - Emotional Boundaries People have emotional needs; they need to be accepted and loved unconditionally. Children especially need the validation from parents that their sadness, fear, pain, happiness and joy are normal. Sometimes children go to parents to be validated when unsure, to be comforted when sad, to be protected when frightened, or to share a happy success. Sometimes however, a parent can be so involved in his own problems that he does not validate the child’s feelings at all! He is emotionally absent for his child. If a child has attempted many times to be emotionally validated by his parents and found the well dry time after time, most often he will finally say, in great pain and disappointment, “Who needs you (parents)? I don’t need your approval, acceptance or love. I don’t need anything from you!” When needs go unmet, pain results. So, to avoid the pain, the child finally “stuffs” the feelings, even going emotionally numb, because not feeling at all is better than being in pain. These people often stop crying, stop feeling, stop being; this is tragic. Another result of not having emotional boundaries occurs when a child goes to a parent for emotional nurturing and instead of the parent meeting this need, the parent discounts the child’s needs by sharing his or her own problems. In this way the child feels that his problems are not important by comparison to the number and magnitude of the parent’s problems. Thus the child becomes the parent to the parent. This “parentalizes” the child and allows the parent to play a child’s role so that the parent is able to satisfy his/her unmet childhood needs. This is known as “role reversal” and is emotional incest on the vulnerable child. Children are to be cared for; they are not to care for their parents in this manner. We have a right to feel sad when we are sad, and to feel angry when someone hurts us. Our emotions (fears, anger, etc.) protect us. We need to trust our feelings and acknowledge them; they are there for our good. We are supposed to have feelings and emotional boundaries.
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